Day 310 – November 6th, 2019

Hello! Nice quick short log before I head to bed.

I did what I had to do today – I picked up my course performance summaries and I talked to the OSAP office! Unfortunately, I can’t defer my payments, but I can ask for an interest-free plan, or something? I’m going to have to look into it, hopefully tomorrow morning.

I’m getting closer and closer to getting this over with, and it feels good! Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Day 261 + 262 – September 18th & 19th, 2019

Hello! Okay so I didn’t get a chance to come home and write last log, but for good reason – I went to the gym pretty late and by the time I got back, I was pretty exhausted. But on the bright side, at least I’m keeping up with that habit as much as I can. I genuinely do feel the difference and I am getting to a point where if I don’t go for a while, I can feel my body begging me to work out, which is great.

I honestly can’t believe how busy this month has been. But, I did find a chance to escape for a little bit yesterday when I went to Niagara with the girls. It was honestly such a nice trip; my first time at a proper spa, where we were able to use their pool, sauna and other amenities after receiving our various treatments. I got a sugar-honey body polish scrub, and lord was it ever luxurious. My body felt like silk for hours afterwards with the argan oil that remained in my skin.

I’m home now, and it feels so nice to have what feels like the first proper day off that I’ve had in a very long time. Which is strange, because I do get days off, but I think I always end up having plans that involve leaving my house, which is why it never actually feels like a day off. I can’t remember the last time I spent a full 24 hours in my household, LOL.

Day 163 to 174 – June 12th to 23rd, 2019

Hello, hello! I haven’t had the chance to write in a little while, but man this past week has been so hectic and so much has happened that I feel like I absolutely need to write about it in order to remember and kind of just discuss things with myself. June has been a crazy month!

Let’s see… I’ll start with last Monday, which by tomorrow will be a week ago.

So, the Raptor’s won the Championship (let’s gooooo!) and honestly it was so much fun to celebrate with the city the night that they won. And then on the Monday, there was a celebratory parade and rally set to be held at Nathan Phillip’s Square. My mom, my sister and I got to Nathan Phillip’s around 6 in the morning in order to acquire some good viewing spots, and we actually did! It was really exciting, the prospect of being able to see the players and everyone so close up.

But oh man. The day wore on, the brisk coolness of the early morning turned into a blazing heat by midday. And the parade got delayed, meaning that instead of being about 2 hours, it turned into about 4. By around 3-4 pm (which was about 7-8 hours of being stuck in the same spot in a crowd of about a million people) Olivia and I were getting extremely restless. We decided to head towards the back to visit our cousins, and I really wanted to be able to say hi to Adrian because he was also in the crowd towards the back.

We ventured out through the crowd, telling everyone jovially that we’d be back and to save our spots. But as we left the “oasis” of the front and made our way further back, people became less and less kind. “Yeah okay, nice try – you lost your spots now, don’t bother coming back”, or “you’re definitely not making it back to where you were” became the common theme of comments we heard as we navigated towards where our cousins were. And honestly, it wasn’t too difficult to make our way through that sea of people – but towards the back.

Eventually, we found our cousins and got to say hi, which was so nice and a refreshing change from being stuck in the crowd in one spot for 8 hours. I was going to go say hi to Adrian afterwards, but the crowd was so dense where he was that I figured I’d find him afterwards. So Olivia and I decided to try and make our way back towards our mom in the front.

Except, people weren’t budging, not even in the slightest. Not physically, not in any way. “Sureeee, your mom’s in the front… yeah my cousin’s up there too”, “hell nah you’re not passing us”, you name the mean comment, we heard it. Olivia was ready to fight someone practically, they were so rude. Eventually, we made it about a quarter of the way there when we got completely stuck in a crowd of people who were very tall, very big, and extremely unkind. They weren’t allowing us to pass, and all our feeble attempts of “excuse me, sorry, please we just want to get to our mom” were falling on deaf ears.

The anxiety and the claustrophobic atmosphere was unbearable and I was honestly at a loss. At this point in the day, after being trapped in that crowd for 8 hours and experiencing that amount of resentment, bitterness and terrible people, I no longer had the energy to fight anyone or push my way through any further. We stopped, looked at each other and Olivia began to cry, her anxiety and frustration finally overtaking her.

I tried so hard to keep my composure but honestly, I was losing it too. We realized we weren’t going to be able to get back to our mom (who was also extremely upset and calling us relentlessly to get back to her) so we decided to head to the back and decide what we’d do. Once we managed to make our way out of the crowd once more, I finally allowed myself to react to my extreme anxiety and had a minor breakdown as well. It was all just too much. Olivia decided to go home, and I decided to go find Adrian so that I could be with him for the duration of the event.

He was up against a wall of the skate rental building, so I had to go all the way around and try to edge my way through yet another crowd of people who were angry, frustrated, and not moving. Luckily though, there was someone standing on the ledge of the rental window who was high enough to see into the crowd. I asked him if there was a guy with a blue jays hat, and he was able to spot Adrian just a couple people down the wall. He called out to him to let him know I was close, which was so nice.

I managed to make it about half way before I basically hit a wall – a wall of two extremely tall guys who were pretending not to hear me when I explained to their backs that my boyfriend was just up ahead of them. Thankfully, Adrian was with his (tall) best friend Liam, and Liam reached up and over to gesture towards me, so the tall guys reluctantly let me through after realizing that I was telling the truth.

Lord almighty what an ordeal. The minute I managed to make it into Adrian’s arms, I immediately started crying out of pure frustration, anxiety and relief that I had finally managed to make it to him.

He managed to calm me down, pressing kisses to the side of my head and murmuring reassuring things into my ear while I tried to get my breathing under control. I think that was the first time he’s ever seen me in a panic attack, and honestly he was such a rock. Eventually I managed to calm down enough to stop crying, and settled into once again waiting for the team to make it to the rally.

Here’s where it got scary: first, a fight broke out and the sheer force of the backlash had people toppling over and pushing through the crowd to the point that we got pressed pretty heavily against the wall. Adrian literally had to put his arms out to push people back so that we wouldn’t get squashed, and at this point it wasn’t just me who was crying – people were having panic attacks left, right and center. People weren’t able to breathe, people were getting suffocated by the sheer force of the crowd.

It got worse. Eventually, the fight settled. But then all of a sudden, things got deathly quiet. I felt it before I heard it really – this sudden boom of sheer kinetic energy that washed through the crowd like an ominous wave. Before we knew it, the crowd was getting pushed towards us at a speed and power that rivalled even the most powerful of tsunamis. Adrian managed to get his arms around me to protect me with his body just in time, but we were immediately thrown against the wall, crushed and pinned there by the stampede that had begun – screams and yells of pure terror peppered the air as people began to run for their lives.

People were getting trampled, shoes were lost, children were getting separated from their parents, and people were running with their elbows up with no fucks to be given as to whom they were hitting. Everyone began fighting for their lives, their safety. Honestly, at this point I was just in shock. At first, we all tried to follow the crowd that was leaving because we weren’t sure what had happened. But we managed to calm down enough to realize that the celebrations were still on-going and the crowd seemed to be settling down, so we decided to stay and see the rest of the event through.

It was only after everything ended that we learnt that four people had been shot in the area we had been in, hence why we got caught in the stampede of people. And not too far from that, three people were stabbed close to the Eaton Center.

We managed to make it home safely and had dinner altogether, thanking our lucky stars that we made it out okay and uninjured for the most part – Adrian’s back was done in due to the rush of the crowd and my shoulder got tweaked by being caught against the wall. But at the end of the day, what was most important was that we made it out at all. But man. That anxiety stays with you. That fear… it clings to you like a second skin. The fear that if you leave your house, if you try to enjoy yourself in this city, you are imminently putting your life in jeopardy no matter how safe you may think you are.

The next day, through a series of circumstances, Radha ended up at my house the next morning because she just wanted to see me for a bit before my work shift, and she even offered to take me to work on her way back home.

But then, Olivia came downstairs and her eye was so swollen it looked like someone had punched her lights out. Not only that, it wasn’t just her eyelids that were swollen – it was her literal eyeball. The whites of her eyes were getting so puffy and stiff that it looked like her pupil was sinking beneath the whites. I immediately began panicking and decided that we had to go to the emergency room at the hospital because I’d never seen anything like that before and you don’t mess around when it comes to your sight or your eyes. It was definitely some kind of allergic reaction, so I made her take some allergy medication.

Radha immediately offered to take us to emerg, so I got someone to cover for my shift and we headed to the hospital.

But once we got there and as we were walking through, I started to realize that maybe… I’d overreacted and gave into my fear response. This was more of a walk-in clinic kind of situation, and Radha kindly explained to me that if we went through with this, we may be taking away an opportunity for someone with a real emergency-level situation to be seen right away. Olivia agreed that it wasn’t that serious and she was feeling a bit better too, so we left the hospital.

Once we got back to the car, Radha spontaneously offered to take us to this beautiful lake where her co-worker owned some property, a road trip to Innisfil to clear our heads and get some sun. At first, I was kind of hesitant – honestly, all I wanted to do at that point was go home, take a hot bath, stay in bed and be a quiet house cat. Especially with what had happened the day before.

But even Olivia was surprised. They both agreed that I’m normally more adventurous and spontaneous than that, and that I couldn’t lose that side of me. I took my discomfort as a sign that this was something we had to do. So, I agreed, and off we went.

As we were on our way there, while we were on the highway Radha was blasting some really amazing feel-good music by Tash Sultana, and she had rolled down all the windows so that the wind was blasting through the car. But there I was, sitting with my eyes closed and fists clenched, still wound up. For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to loosen up and get into the spontaneity of things.

Radha noticed, and she immediately told me open my eyes, let down my hair, stick my head out the window and just… scream. Scream at the top of my lungs.

I looked at her, and then decided she was right. I needed to scream. I slowly gripped the sides of the car door, lifted my head up through the window so that the wind was whipping through my hair, and started screaming as loud as I could.

And man… it was AMAZING. It was EXACTLY what I needed. It was freeing, and so full of pure feeling that I couldn’t even begin to express. Once I’d had my fill, I sat back down and promptly burst into tears of raw emotion. I realized that I’d bottled up all this rage and fear from the day before that I was holding onto it in my body, in my heart. I needed to let it go. I was safe now. I needed to know and believe that I was safe. I’ve never been one to live in fear, and I couldn’t be me, truly, if I ever decided to.

Afterwards, I just looked at Radha in pure amazement. I couldn’t believe how she’d known that that was exactly what I needed to do. I was so thankful, so completely grateful that she allowed me a space to release all this pent-up energy that I needed to let go of, so appreciative that she knew me so well and challenged me to leave what could have become a dangerous comfort zone under the guise of fear. She made me uncomfortable so that I could come back to myself. And I love that so much. That’s all I want from my friendships – people who help me to grow, challenge me when I need to be challenged, teach me things that I never even knew I had to learn.

Anyways, it’s getting pretty late now and I still have so much to write about – my full blown panic attack at work the following day, my double doctor’s appointments that has me closer and closer to a diagnosis and how I may be potentially starting on medication soon, and the light at the end of the tunnel that was this week in the form of the wonderful wedding I went to with Adrian where I finally met his entire family.

What I will say though, was that it was even better than I imagined. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, and I could see how important it was to Adrian that I was meeting his entire immediate family. I honestly felt so honoured that he deemed me worthy enough to “bring home” – I know it was no easy feat to decide to introduce me like that, at a family event to that scale. But more on that later. I don’t want to forget how lovely it felt to have everyone tell me how beautiful I was, how they loved my dress, even that I was “wife material”, LOL. Hehe. Not to mention, I kept up with the drinking; I took shots with his aunts a couple times!!!! His family was honestly a blast.

Yesterday was the perfect end to a very, very draining week. I feel rested, recharged, and back to myself. And tomorrow, I’m off to Niagara for a girls trip with my coworkers, and I’m so excited! Finally, it’s beginning to feel like summer. Next weekend is long weekend and Adrian and I are planning a road trip to Wasaga Beach, where we’re planning on spending the weekend there so that we can make it the most of it. Here’s to summer 2019!!

I’ll continue to write when I have to a chance to some time this week.

Love always,

Me.

Day 148 + 149 – May 28th & 29th, 2019

It’s been a while since I could just write two days in a log title!!! It’s almost a foreign feeling to me now.

Anyways, I’m happy to report that for the past couple days, I’ve been doing quite well! I managed to get more than one day off this week (I was off yesterday, and now I’m off for the next two days), and I’ve returned to meditating nightly (started on Monday night), and I’ve started reading my book again today (instead of the useless scrolling), and I already feel the difference.

My mood is happier, I had a little less anxiety today, and two nights of meditating have already made a world of a difference in regards to my mindset. Let’s keep this momentum going!!!

I think I’m going to use this log to catch up with myself, because it’s honestly been so so long.

So, let’s see… how have I been?

Let me break it into parts so that I can do some due diligence to every aspect I want to cover. Alright so: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually (all on a personal, me-based level). After that, I’ll do: relationship, friendships, work, school, and whatever else may be on my mind.

Alright here we go!

Mentally: what a roller-coaster it’s been this past year so far. The lowness, the anxiety making a come-back. The days I could barely muster up the energy to get out of bed. I know it’s mostly a result of getting complacent in my writing, my meditation, but still. It’s been a little tough. I’m glad that I travelled when I did, to the Bahamas. It was a much-needed trip and a much-needed act of self-love to remind me to wake up, and take my life back into my hands.

I’ve made some good movements towards my mental health – I’ve had a couple appointments with my doctor (who’s amazing), and she’s recommended that I start seeing the clinic social worker before they refer me to an ADHD clinic. I’ve already filled out my preliminary assessments for the ADHD clinic, and now I’m just waiting to hear back on what my doctor will say about them.

I know everything will work out for the best, I just have to make sure that I’m doing my best for myself as well, you know? I can’t leave it all up to positivity and the Universe – I have to do my part too, and never stop working towards it.

Emotionally: my emotions have been pretty closely tied to my mental state as of late. Like on the days I felt low, my emotions matched the lowness. I felt sad, lethargic, restless. But since I’ve come back from my trip, I’ve literally been feeling so much better. My moods are back to being consistent, I haven’t woken up feeling low in a while, and my reactivity is a lot better now too.

I did have a bit of a breakdown the last time I saw my doctor, right before my trip; I got emotional while I was explaining a bit about my past to her, and my current predicament regarding my school situation (more on that later). I broke down because I became overwhelmed, and I told her that I was so tired of living this way and that I needed answers. She was super sympathetic though, and she promised me we’d find a way to change things.

So as of late, I have been doing a lot better. My moods are better, I’m happier, and I love that travelling has the power to shift my mental and my emotional state so drastically. Only, I can’t depend on that solely. I have to remember that I need more than just that, or else travel will simply become an escape that I depend on, and I don’t want that. I don’t ever want my love for travel to become an attachment-based need.

Physically: oh boy, this one’s a doozy. I guess it goes to show that the minute you start neglecting what’s going on on the inside, it’ll truly start reflecting on the outside. Before I went off to the Bahamas, I battled a “flu” unlike any that I’ve had in a very, very long time. I was feverish for four days straight, and my fever got so bad at one point that I was delirious and so, so weak. Thank goodness my family was there to take care of me, because honestly at that point we were considering taking me to the hospital.

Since then, I’ve been trying to get over a lasting cough and sniffles. Whatever I had, it hit my system very hard. And I know my body – when I start to neglect my mental health, my physical health goes right out the window with it. It’s like a blaring siren, warning me to take better care of myself.

I know I have to make an effort to eat healthier. I’ve lost about ten pounds because I’ve been eating less, but that also means I haven’t been consuming proper nutrients and vitamins that may be necessary to my physical health and the support of my immune system. Not to mention, I’ve stopped working out completely and that’s something I need to bring back on too. But, one thing at a time. For now, I’m just focusing on reinstating my meditation and my writing. The other things will follow suit in due time, I’m sure.

Spiritually: this section is a good section. I haven’t thought about where I stand spiritually for a very long time. I feel like I kind of came to this place last year, and I haven’t really thought about it since. I haven’t found the proper tools (or books) to feed my knowledge or curiosity about, but maybe that’s also because I haven’t been curious about it for a while either.

I think I kind of lost sight of my relationship with the Universe in this year. (By year, I mean within 2019). I lost touch with my faith, my trust in the process. I got lost in the surface aspects of life and I forgot how important it was to feed that faith and make sure I was still conspiring with the Universe.

I went to a metaphysical spiritual convention with Krystal and Chad, and that was the first time this year I genuinely felt at home in myself. I need to go back to those roots, figure out how to inspire myself once more. Recapture that feeling that reading “The Alchemist” for the first time gave me. I haven’t felt that inspired since that year of wonderful reads. My last good read was probably “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and even that was mediocre, at best.

So, I’m announcing to the Universe: I’m ready to get back in touch with you!!!! Hellooooooooo, it’s meeeeeeeeeee again! Send all the books my way, the people, the moments that make me stop and realize there’s so much more to this life. I miss the magic, the synchronicities, the signs, all of it! I want it back.

I’m hoping that as I continue to meditate, my connection to the Universe will strengthen once more. I’ve already seen the power that meditation can have in life because I’ve experienced it directly myself.

I can’t go back – I can only move forward. And even though these past couple months have felt like a giant “step back”, it was merely a low dip the series of hills that my life journey is. It’s time to make my way back up.

Alright! So that concludes my personal catch up. Now, onto my current outer circumstances.

My relationship.

I’m literally sitting here, smiling like a goof LOOL. But honestly, I don’t even know where to start, (in a good way).

Things have been better than amazing between Adrian and I. It’s just so easy, always. Nothing has ever felt more right than this; none of my past relationships have ever been this good, I’ve never experienced love like this before.

It’s funny – you always think that your first love teaches you real love. And it definitely does, to a certain extent. But you realize, as you grow older, that your capacity for love is so much greater than you ever knew possible.

I can’t even begin to express the gratitude that I have that Adrian found his way into my life, that we found each other. I know we’re both growing individually as people, but together we compliment each other in ways I never even knew could be possible.

I’ve always loved hard. So, so hard. My love is big and passionate and at times in the past, all-consuming. But here, in the house we’ve built with one another, my love is safe; it is received and returned ten-fold. It’s constantly reflected back at me, in his eyes and in the words he says to me. In the way he holds me, the way we’re entwined when we fall asleep together.

A distant old part of me fears having it this good. But when we’re together, when I’m with him, I’m completely present. There’s only him, only us. Only that moment, right there and then.

Once upon a time, I never believed I could have it all so I settled for so much less. I thought that I may as well get what I could because I’d never have more than that. I settled in ways that were big, and in ways that were quiet. I tried to focus on the good and I boxed away all my needs for the sake of making things work.

I can’t express how tightly interwoven my gratitude is with my love for him. There is no one without the other. Even after over a year of seeing one another, I still can’t believe how lucky I am sometimes. And I try to tell his as often as I can. I appreciate him so much, for everything he is and everything he does, and I hope he never, ever has to question that.

So yeah. Things have been good. Hehe.

Love letter aside – he was so wonderful about me travelling by myself the way I did. I asked him point blank if he doesn’t mind that I was going by myself, and he told me he would never want to hold me back from something I loved. And I asked him how he was so okay with it (when generally, most guys wouldn’t be) but he reiterated that he trusted me and trusted in us.

And recently, we had a conversation regarding our perspectives on marriage and weddings (generally, not in regards to our relationship – way too soon for that), and we both agreed that weddings are a social scam created to satiate the needs of everyone involved as opposed to a special moment that is about the couple themselves. We both agreed that the stress weddings bring about prior to the event itself definitely wasn’t worth it, nor the money that goes into making it all happen. Of course, to each their own, and weddings truly can be beautiful and fun sometimes. But that’s just an opinion that he and I happen to share – it’s just not our cup of tea.

(So… shotgun wedding to Vegas is a definite maybe? LOL JK. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Heh).

Speaking of weddings – the one he invited me to with all of his family is coming up this month, on June 22nd! I still have to buy a dress but I’m excited to go dress shopping soon! I hope I find exactly what I’m looking for – I want something lavender/pastel purple, something floaty and airy yet classy and a little sexy (since it’s a June wedding). We’ll see! I’m sure that dress is out there somewhere waiting for me too.

I know I don’t have to be, but I feel like I’m going to be so a little nervous about meeting the rest of his entire family at this shindig. Luckily it’s a big ass wedding so I won’t be put on the spot, and luckily he’s not in the wedding party so hopefully he won’t have to leave my side much. Not that I can’t hold my own, but you know. It’s a big thing, and a lot of people – he’s got a massive family, and I think about 300 people are attending this wedding.

But, I’m also really excited because I can’t wait to dance with him or take shots with him or look at him all adoringly when cute wedding moments happen, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him in his suit because I know I’m going to have a hard time not passing out, LOL.

I’m also really looking forward to having yet another wonderful summer with him – last summer we had so much fun together, and this is our first summer being officially together. I can’t wait for the beach dates and cottage weekends, the sunsets and the golden twilight hours. Sigh.

Being 100% honest here with myself, Adrian is end game to me. I would never, ever, ever tell him that, at least not for the next 3-4 years LOL. I feel like if I start talking with that certainty, it would scare him off. We’re good with being present and taking things one day at a time. In fact, our pace has been nothing but perfect.

But from the start, as this progressed, and even as we’re still getting to know each other… when we met, it felt like coming home. I want this to be it. I’ve never been happier than this. I know that time can change things and tomorrow is never guaranteed. You never know what the future holds, or how people can change or what they can become. But… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I just… can’t imagine myself ending up with anyone else at this point. I really do believe that we have many soulmates, no matter what lifetime you’re in. And I know that he is one of mine, but he’s the one I want to choose for the rest of this lifespan. (And if I meet him in the next one, well then I’d choose him all over again).

I know, I’m such a diehard romantic. But hey… when you know, you know, right?

Onto the next! Friendship.

I’m pretty happy with my circle of friends at the moment in all honesty. I don’t have to keep up with everyone on a constant basis in order to know we’re still good to hang out whenever, and we actually have very deep and meaningful conversations whenever we do meet up, as though no time has passed. I don’t feel like I’m expending more energy than I receive, which is a really good thing.

I haven’t really hung out with Avery in awhile. He was making effort to make plans and keep in touch with me, but it’s been me who hasn’t been reaching out as of late. I should, but it also feels natural this way too. I’m not sure. Whatever is meant to be shall be. He still feels like a good friend to me though, despite the distance.

Anyways, that’s about it on the friendship front. I’m glad I’m living my truth and being honest with myself and maintaining my boundaries.

Speaking about maintaining boundaries – onto work.

(Side note – I forgot to add family to this list, but I’ll get to that part after I talk about school.)

So April really took its toll on me. I worked so much that I didn’t even truly get to enjoy my parents being gone for the whole month. And then it took its toll on me physically, when I got super sick before I left on my trip.

It made me realize – I’m very much grateful for my promotion. But I can’t allow my boundaries with work to fall down as a result of my gratitude. I don’t owe anyone anything, I’ve worked for this. My work ethic speaks for itself, and I deserve this. Ergo, I don’t need to be working more than I agreed to. I agreed to 25 hours a week, and since I’ve begun my new position, I’ve been working upwards of 30-35, sometimes almost 40. That’s full-time hours and that’s not what I agreed to.

I know Maria needs me and depends on me. In fact, at this point, I’m the most dependable person she has on the team. But I can’t be to the capacity that she expects of me, where work becomes my life and I end up getting sick.

This week, I watched as Maria made the schedule and I made sure it was exactly what I wanted it to be, hence why I got my three days off. And what a difference it’s already made.

I have to watch and enforce my boundaries when it comes to work. I also need to remember to keep a healthy discernment between good work ethic and being consumed completely by this job. I can’t care more than I should, nor should I get involved in anything that has nothing to do with me. In, and out. Not my monkeys, not my circus. And that’s the motto.

I intend to be very conscious about this and put my foot down where need be. Hopefully the foot being put down won’t be necessary and the Universe hears my wishes and conspires alongside me on this one. I promise to do my part as well though, as much as I can.

I am happy with this job though. As long as it doesn’t come home with me, I have complete faith I can continue to do well with it and it in turn will give me what I need, financially.

Onto the next – school!

So I think I briefly touched on this one in my last log. I’ve been barred from York for two years effective this September, but I’m working on getting that decision reversed. Thing is, a part of me doesn’t even know why. Well, I know why. I mean, I want my degree. But I think this is the summer where I work through the resentments I have towards my parents regarding this degree, and figure out completely how to want it solely for myself first and foremost, whilst working through my potential ADHD issues.

I promise myself I won’t let this go unresolved. I have to do right by me, and I’m taking the necessary steps to give myself options while I figure out what it is I truly want from my life.

I think that’s about it regarding school. Last but not least, famolaaayyyyy.

My mom and I sat down and had a really good, conducive talk. Actually, she wandered into my room a couple nights ago, all quiet and morose. I know she has depressive episodes from time to time, and rather than take out her anxiety on us like she usually does, she actually sat and talked to me and we were able to understand each other. She seems to be doing better since, and it made me realize that if I don’t do my part to understand her, she’ll never be heard or understood, and she’ll always feel like she has to yell to get her point across.

My dad is my dad, still the same. He’s definitely aging rapidly, and it’s kind of strange to see.

Olivia still worries me, LOL. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson of trusting her process without fearing the consequences her lessons may come with. Her life is her own, and I can’t protect her from it without perhaps shielding her from valuable growth she may need. I guess that’s what being a parent is like, once your kids are older. It’s watching and loving from afar but being there as you’re needed, trusting that everything they’re experiencing is a part of who they are becoming and that you did your job as a parent to instill the right values.

Not that I’m her mom. Although sometimes it does feel like we had to parent each other at times. Interesting.

Anyways!!!!! Wow, this was a long ass log.

I think that’s about it. I know my short-term goals for now (consistent meditation, and writing) and I have faith that everything else that I aspire to achieve for myself will fall into place as a result, just as it has before.

Well, that’s about it for today. I have the next two days off, and I don’t have any plans with anyone for once (although I am hoping to see Adrian on Friday since I won’t be able to over the weekend). So I basically have my days to myself! I intend to paint, read, hopefully get some sun, and just relax. Maybe I can even take a second look at my book and reorganize my vision.

To quote Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, more accurately), “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock.”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Goodnight!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

Day 127 to 147 – May 7th to 27th, 2019

Hello!

It’s been exactly 20 days since I’ve written last, and going through my recent logs, I’m just realizing how much I haven’t written in this past year. I was doing pretty well in February for the most part, but then March, April and this month have all become a bit blurry.

I’ve been doing some vague thinking that I would like to make concrete. So I’m just going to get right into it.

For the past two years since the start of 2017, I did some very intensive work on myself. I cultivated new habits that led to a transformation in who I was, a transformation that changed my life. I incorporated self-love, self-compassion and acceptance into my life with a degree of discipline but also openness that changed the entire quality of my life.

2018, I reaped the rewards of my actions. I spent the entire year in a steady arc of happiness, emotional and mental stability. I met Adrian, whom I thank the Universe for as often as I can.

And this year?

I became complacent. I stopped meditating. I stopped writing. I stopped working on my book completely. I stopped doing the things I loved, for myself. I haven’t read a book that’s resonated with me since last year, I believe. I became… lost. And it showed. The same way I reaped the rewards of the changes I implemented last year, I had to accept some pretty dire consequences this year.

Once again, I’m in a place in my life where I have to pick up the pieces of my decisions (or lack of).

Here’s some hard truths I have to deal with that are currently causing my anxiety.

I’ve been debarred for two years at York. I just recently received the email, confirming my fate. I did not receive the grade point average that I was meant to in order to have the debarment warning be lifted. On top of this, my standing with OSAP has most likely been compromised as a result. I haven’t even begun to take the necessary results in order to clarify what my educational standing is, at the moment.

I can’t even think about it without becoming anxious. But, I’m doing well to cope with it by reminding myself that I’m not being completely passive.

I have an appointment with a counsellor from St. Michael’s Hospital coming up on June 4th. I went through with my prior appointments before I left on my vacation and on my last one, I had a bit of a break down regarding my concerns about potentially having ADHD. I told my doctors that I’m tired of living my life this way and that I can’t do it anymore. That I need answers. My main doctor confirmed that perhaps I had something to gain by going through with the assessment, and that if the results did come back that this is in fact something I live with, then we could move forward with a medicinal/mental health treatment plan, or a combination of the both.

So, I’m not completely sitting around and just twiddling my thumbs (or living in denial). Whenever the anxiety comes up, I always think that there’s nothing I can do about the situation right this moment, but I am trying to do my best to come up with and pursue solutions.

Depending on what happens with the ADHD assessment, I’m going to incorporate the results into my academic petition and FINALLY hand it in, after all of these years. And then we go from there. In the meanwhile, the only choice I have left at this moment is to work and take some time to reassess the direction in which my life is headed and what exactly I want from it.

Hopefully, I can do this with my new counsellor. I miss Nadia and I know I will continue to, but with my current academic status, I’m no long eligible to using the campus personal counselling services any longer. So, hopefully everything works out okay with my new counsellor, as I’m sure it will.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before.

So yeah. I was doing all this work on myself and the minute I got the results I wanted, I stopped doing all the work. And I know I’ve written and acknowledged this before some time during this year, in two or more of these past logs that I’ve written. But despite the acknowledgement – I didn’t do any differently!!! (Other than taking a brief moment to travel, which really helped to open my eyes. But more on that later).

I can’t be the person I once was in any capacity. I can’t stand for it. I love myself too much now to fall backwards into old habits or old patterns of thinking and reacting.

I need discipline more than I’ve ever needed it before in so many different ways. I need discipline like human beings need a spine – I cannot function on a base level nor can I stand straight (or at all, for that matter) without it.

There’s a part of me, the part of me that has grown and developed into being in the past two years who has become trapped and buried amidst all the bad habits I’ve accumulated in this past year alone. She’s there just smiling kindly at me, at peace, waiting for me to come back. She totally understands why this has happened and she’s not judging me for it – she just wants me to be happy again. To feel the ease that comes with doing what’s best for yourself. The unshakeable inner peace. The consistent and genuine happiness.

I vow to return to her again.

It’s time to get back to meditating consistently every night. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately, but I always wait until the very last second when sleep is about to overtake me, and then I become too lazy to get out of bed and follow through. Which means, I need to change my sleeping habits – no more of this sleeping super late and sleeping in as a result. I’m cutting away valuable time from my day as a whole by sleeping in until 10 am.

I need to start writing more frequently. If I can’t manage an everyday basis (which shouldn’t be true now that I’m cutting down my hours at work to what I want them to be), then I should at least commit to 3-4 times a week.

These are two very key things that I need in order to monitor and understand my own mental health. Everything else will follow as a result – the better quality books, working out consistently, eating healthier and maintaining proper boundaries. I know this because I’ve experienced it directly. But in the meanwhile, one small hill a time. There’s no need to incorporate all these things at once. One thing at a time with a steady discipline.

This is a good lesson to me. Life isn’t all about quick fixes. Quick fixes usually don’t last too long. Life is the longest thing we’ll ever do, as short as it may be. There is no “one thing” we do in order to maintain the quality and happiness in our life. It’s a lifelong mission and journey. This isn’t a bad thing – in fact, it’s beautiful. We’ll always have the opportunity to choose to do differently for ourselves, at any point in the time we’re alive. It’s never too late, and you never stop learning. And that’s so, so beautiful to me.

Anyways, I know there’s a lot more things I need to write. I need to do an in-depth check-in with myself because I haven’t done so in a very long time, and I also need to catch up and update myself with my understanding of the outer circumstances that are currently my narrative and life situation. So maybe I can make that my goal tomorrow, since this was a pretty good first step. I managed to sit down and make it through a log without abandoning it for my hunger, or my phone (for distraction).

One thing at a time. You know you can’t live your life this way, and you know that you don’t have to. So let’s do differently. Every day that you’re given is a fresh start.

Love you always,

Me.

Day 93 to 126 – April 3rd to May 6th, 2019

I’m sitting here in front of my laptop after a long day of work. I haven’t written in over a month, not to myself, not at all. I’m almost afraid to do so now, after all this time. But I think it’s getting to a point where I really have to.

I want to say that not much has happened since my last log, but that’s not really the case. A lot has happened. It’s tough to know where to begin, or what to focus on. I would love to catch up on everything I’ve missed – I’m like genuinely sad that I might have to look back on April of 2019 and not remember too much, when it was actually such a good month for the most part.

It went by so fast. I think I did my best to enjoy it.

I’ve been adjusting to my new position. It’s a little bit more responsibility than I thought it would entail – since I’ve started, I’ve been working pretty much every day. I don’t think I’ve had more than two days off a week since the beginning of April. In fact, this last week I only had one day off.

Okay, cutting to the chase – I’ve been going through some seriously bad lows lately. Last week on my one day off, I ended up in bed after my doctor’s appointment with no motivation whatsoever to get up, or do anything. I felt miserable, and I honestly can’t explain why. Furthermore, usually I’m pretty good on a social level. Like okay, I’m terrible at replying to text messages. But making plans and following through, usually I’m good with. But last week? The social anxiety was real. I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.

And then there’ll be days when things feel better and I actually force myself to go out, or have fun. Things will be good for about 3-4 days. But then that same feeling makes its way back.

I’ve always been a pretty generally happy person. But these low days, I can’t even muster up a genuine smile. I know people are starting to notice at work, because I’m usually the happy, smiling, energetic person who’s always happy to go to work. But these days, I come in smiling and about five minutes in, I become withdrawn and I don’t talk to many people.

Is it me? I truly believe in the power of the mind and the ability to choose positivity. I really want to smile and mean it, I want to be able to listen and talk to people the way I always do without getting anxious or uncomfortable. But even with that, my tolerance seems to be waning (which is insane, because I honestly love being there for other people).

Logically, what this means is that I’m not making enough time for myself or that I’m not doing things for myself that I should be. There’s obviously some kind of self-neglect going on that’s leaking into the other aspects of my life. After all, maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself is the key to maintaining all other aspects in life, right? A healthy tree has healthy branches.

I recently went for that doctor’s appointment that I was meant to go for (the one that I previously missed because I couldn’t get myself to wake up on time – yet another thing I’ve been dealing with). I told her about my suspicions and we have a longer, more in-depth follow-up appointment this week so we can start a preliminary assessment.

This is all good stuff, I know it is. I also think the reason I’m in this funk is because after all the reading I’ve been doing about ADHD, it brought up a lot of triggers that maybe I haven’t dealt with properly.

It’s a lot. Like. A lot of the book talks about how developing ADHD is a combination of a biological predisposition, but also very heavily environmentally influenced as well. How vital and important it is to have a proper attachment with your primary caregiver. How unconditional positive regard is what fosters a healthy relationship and a healthy mindset for a child.

This is hard to write. I have the strongest impulse to stop writing this, to pick up my phone and scroll through, draw this to a close and go to bed.

First, I know it’s not her fault. I know she was dealing with so much, I know she wasn’t properly educated on what a child needs, I know she was taught to think in certain ways, and I understand she herself has had/has anxiety/depression and doesn’t know how to deal with it properly or healthily.

But man. I think I have some serious resentment issues when it comes to my mom.

It’s so evident in our conversations with one another. There’s literally no one in the world who knows how to jab at me like my mom does. No one who triggers me as badly, even if it wasn’t intentional. And lord knows she tried to do the most for us, but man the amount of counter-will it instilled in me as a result of being forced to do things that maybe, in another life, I actually would have loved to do.

I don’t know what to do. I think this may be a big part of why I can’t get through my degree. Because somewhere in my brain, I’m wired to believe I’m doing this solely for her. I don’t even know if or how badly I want it for myself. Ergo, the counter-will kicks in as a result of feeling forced, and I’m left with literally zero motivation to go through with it.

It’s so messy. I clearly need more therapy. That’s definitely something I need to work through if I do end up deciding my degree is something I want for myself. I still have a lot of rewiring to do.

I love my mom. Somewhere amidst all the other feelings I have towards her – the anger, resentment, shame, guilt, etc., there’s love there. There’s a deep need for approval too, though, a need that’s dictated a lot of my life. I grew up believing that her love was conditional my whole life – that if I didn’t do well, her love for me and her basic happiness and well-being hinged solely upon my “failures”. Love and positive reinforcement only came when we did well, and even that was just barely.

A part of me knows that culturally, this isn’t new. I’m sure there are many people who go through this form of conditional love growing up, the idea that they HAVE to be successful and do well in school to make their parents happy. So why did this/does this affect me so much. Is it because it’s in combination with having an alcoholic/compulsive gambling dad? Is it a cocktail of environmental setbacks that may have led to my inability to focus, my lack of motivation?

Is it just me?

Hopefully, I’ll have answers soon. I can’t live like this, live my life never living up to the potential I know I have. Live my life not truly knowing what I want from it, what I want it to look like, for me.

Anyways, I probably should head to bed now. I actually feel a little bit better having returned to writing. I need to start meditating again too, and working out as well. The holy trinity of well-being, LOL.

Side note – I’m off to the Bahamas next week, one week from today incidentally! I need the beach more than I’ve ever needed anything ever, LMAO. I can’t wait! I’m going on my own, my first solo trip since Belize last year. I’m sure I’ll miss Adrian, but I’m happy to be travelling on my own once more. It was such a wonderful way to connect with myself, to enjoy my own company. I think I need to get back in touch with myself once more, and there’s no better way to do so than through travelling.

I really want to write more this month. I clearly need it. I can’t slap band-aids on these “problems” and hope they’ll go away. I need to keep doing the things I’ve implemented in my life in order to keep the quality of my life.

Until next time then (which will hopefully be soon!)

Love always,

Me.

Day 88 to 92 – March 29th to April 2nd, 2019

Hello! So that was a crazy couple of days I went through last week. Lots of revelations, lots of things that had to be done as a result. I know what I have to do to move forward, but my main priority is pursuing the introspective route and figuring out how to end the “cycle” to the best of my ability. My appointment with my family doctor is scheduled for next Monday, which is good.

I just started reading this book by Dr. Gabor Mate, “Scattered Minds”. It’s about ADD in children and adults, from diagnosis to healing. He himself also has ADD, so it’s been so interesting to read about ADD from the perspective of a doctor who has it too. In fact, so much of what I’ve already read so far has resonated with me on a very deep level. I had to stop reading because, I don’t think I’m ready per se. I’m also scared – I can relate to so much of what he says and so much of what he describes as ADD/ADHD. But what if I got through the assessment and I’m told I don’t have it? Which I suppose would be a good thing, but then what do I have left to explain why my academic life has been the way that it has been for most of my life? It’s all very… I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable but I know that’s a good thing and it’s also a given once you start searching for answers. And answers are exactly what I need now.

On a more positive note – my parents have officially left to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks! Wow. I love them so much, I really do, but three whole weeks of pure unadulterated (no pun intended) freedom!?! I barely even know what to do with myself, LMAO. So far, so good though. I just have to make sure Bea and Olivia are okay and fed and what not, and obviously take care of myself which shouldn’t be too difficult to do.

Also, after this week I start my new position! I was feeling kind of anxious about it because it is a whole new role that’s been created basically specifically for me, so I made some notes as to what I can do to be proactive in my new role without having to wait to be told what to do. I want to step into this as confidently as I can because I’ve earned this, and I’d like to be treated as such as well.

I have a lot of things I have to do. And slowly but surely, I’m going to get around to doing them. But for now, I’m just going to relax and enjoy this momentary peace and quiet because Lord knows it’s going to fly by.

I guess that’s about it? I’m looking forward to all the new challenges this month will bring about. April is always a good month.

Oh yeah wait! So it’s been almost a week since I’ve deleted Instagram and Netflix off of my phone, and guess which one I’ve been struggling with the most. Netflix!!! Isn’t that nuts? I never realized how easy it is to sink into binge-watching and turn off my brain. It’s almost unnerving now, the amount of free time I have now that I’ve deleted the app off of my phone and I no longer have anything to watch or the means to watch it. But this is so good though. This is teaching me moderation, instead of the mindless binging and autopilot scrolling. Even the Instagram purge is going well. Sometimes I miss it and I’ll redownload it for two seconds in an attempt to perhaps deactivate my account completely, but then I just delete it again.

I don’t know if I want to deactivate it completely, it’s so weird to think of completely cutting off my access to that platform. I know it was such a waste of time and I was definitely borderline addicted to it. I no longer check my phone first thing in the morning or spend like ten minutes in bed just mindlessly scrolling before I begin my day, so deleting it off my phone really has made such a difference. But I do enjoy collecting my travels on it. Maybe I can just keep my account but keep the app off of my phone, redownload it to check it once a week, and use it only while I travel. I’d say that’s a pretty good compromise! But for now, cold turkey. At least for as long as I can muster before I start reintroducing it in small doses again. Or something.

Anyways, that’s about it!

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with Adrian (he’s making dinner for us), and Olivia’s going to be home so Bea’s not all alone, which I hope is okay. I lowkey feel a little guilty about leaving but I swear it’s the only time I will. But Olivia’s home, so that’s good. But she’ll be working. But yeah.

Okay, that’s all for today! I’ll write to myself more frequently this month I feel, because I have a lot more time and this is actually a productive way to spend my time as opposed to Netflix/Instagram.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.