Day 88 to 92 – March 29th to April 2nd, 2019

Hello! So that was a crazy couple of days I went through last week. Lots of revelations, lots of things that had to be done as a result. I know what I have to do to move forward, but my main priority is pursuing the introspective route and figuring out how to end the “cycle” to the best of my ability. My appointment with my family doctor is scheduled for next Monday, which is good.

I just started reading this book by Dr. Gabor Mate, “Scattered Minds”. It’s about ADD in children and adults, from diagnosis to healing. He himself also has ADD, so it’s been so interesting to read about ADD from the perspective of a doctor who has it too. In fact, so much of what I’ve already read so far has resonated with me on a very deep level. I had to stop reading because, I don’t think I’m ready per se. I’m also scared – I can relate to so much of what he says and so much of what he describes as ADD/ADHD. But what if I got through the assessment and I’m told I don’t have it? Which I suppose would be a good thing, but then what do I have left to explain why my academic life has been the way that it has been for most of my life? It’s all very… I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable but I know that’s a good thing and it’s also a given once you start searching for answers. And answers are exactly what I need now.

On a more positive note – my parents have officially left to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks! Wow. I love them so much, I really do, but three whole weeks of pure unadulterated (no pun intended) freedom!?! I barely even know what to do with myself, LMAO. So far, so good though. I just have to make sure Bea and Olivia are okay and fed and what not, and obviously take care of myself which shouldn’t be too difficult to do.

Also, after this week I start my new position! I was feeling kind of anxious about it because it is a whole new role that’s been created basically specifically for me, so I made some notes as to what I can do to be proactive in my new role without having to wait to be told what to do. I want to step into this as confidently as I can because I’ve earned this, and I’d like to be treated as such as well.

I have a lot of things I have to do. And slowly but surely, I’m going to get around to doing them. But for now, I’m just going to relax and enjoy this momentary peace and quiet because Lord knows it’s going to fly by.

I guess that’s about it? I’m looking forward to all the new challenges this month will bring about. April is always a good month.

Oh yeah wait! So it’s been almost a week since I’ve deleted Instagram and Netflix off of my phone, and guess which one I’ve been struggling with the most. Netflix!!! Isn’t that nuts? I never realized how easy it is to sink into binge-watching and turn off my brain. It’s almost unnerving now, the amount of free time I have now that I’ve deleted the app off of my phone and I no longer have anything to watch or the means to watch it. But this is so good though. This is teaching me moderation, instead of the mindless binging and autopilot scrolling. Even the Instagram purge is going well. Sometimes I miss it and I’ll redownload it for two seconds in an attempt to perhaps deactivate my account completely, but then I just delete it again.

I don’t know if I want to deactivate it completely, it’s so weird to think of completely cutting off my access to that platform. I know it was such a waste of time and I was definitely borderline addicted to it. I no longer check my phone first thing in the morning or spend like ten minutes in bed just mindlessly scrolling before I begin my day, so deleting it off my phone really has made such a difference. But I do enjoy collecting my travels on it. Maybe I can just keep my account but keep the app off of my phone, redownload it to check it once a week, and use it only while I travel. I’d say that’s a pretty good compromise! But for now, cold turkey. At least for as long as I can muster before I start reintroducing it in small doses again. Or something.

Anyways, that’s about it!

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with Adrian (he’s making dinner for us), and Olivia’s going to be home so Bea’s not all alone, which I hope is okay. I lowkey feel a little guilty about leaving but I swear it’s the only time I will. But Olivia’s home, so that’s good. But she’ll be working. But yeah.

Okay, that’s all for today! I’ll write to myself more frequently this month I feel, because I have a lot more time and this is actually a productive way to spend my time as opposed to Netflix/Instagram.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 73 to Day 87 – March 14th to March 28th

So it’s currently 1:45 AM and I’m slowly coming down off of a very lengthy Adderall… experience? I’m not sure if I want to call it a trip per se, because I’m not tripping. It’s definitely a journey though, that’s for sure. There’s so many things I would like to address, so many thoughts (good thoughts, thoughts of value and substance) that I would love to catch and write down but I have to be okay with the fact that thoughts (in their truest nature) are like sand slipping through your fingers, or fluffy clouds – they look solid from the outside but really you could fall right through if you tried to land on one.

Writing as honestly and simplistically as I can to myself in this moment – today… today was something else, it really was. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s see: I decided to study, sat down and took the pill and next thing I know I’m figuring out all the current academic worries in my life that I’ve been too afraid to delve into for fear of seeing what damage has been done. Not only that, I organized EVERYTHING. The fear suddenly dissipated; in fact, all my emotional entanglements, perceptions or personal feelings about my circumstances suddenly became so much less significant. The only thing that mattered was the objectivity or fact of it all, and what steps could be taken now or next.

Clarity. It’s as though my mind were some body of water, and all the waves just stopped. All the dust settled to the bottom. The water became so clear and crystalline that it now seems like glass from above. And I have sunk peacefully down to where I can see everything, in peace. In silence. In stillness.

The motivation is/was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And it wasn’t just focused or directed at studying (but it was when it was, completely and utterly). It was a pure, unadulterated motivation and will that shone into places in my mind that I have forgotten about (voluntarily for the sake of compartmentalization bordering on denial).

Long story short – I think I do have ADHD. I don’t know. I’m not like, tweaked out or wired. I’m just… calm. And focused. For the better part of this day, I was happy, a little hyper at first, and then just peaceful.

I feel myself coming down off of it now and I’m scared to go back to what I know to be my reality LMAO. In comparison to this utter clarity, I’m worried that my perception of reality will suddenly feel hazy or cloudy. It almost already does, when I look at how I function on a regular basis.

All I know for sure is – one, nothing matters. Like in the sense of the things I worry about, the things I fear. It’s as though solutions fall into my mind before the worries have a chance to truly solidify or manifest. Two, everything is going to be okay. I promise myself that I’m going to be better for me in ALL aspects of my life, the way I did my mental and emotional well-being.

I’ve written down some things I know I need to do to move forward and break this habitual pattern of my erratic academic history. I need to make an appointment with my incredible family doctor and talk to her as openly and earnestly as I can about this. Every concern, every truth. I also need to educate myself on this matter and exhaust all options before I decide to start depending on medicinal means. If there’s any holistic/spiritual/cognitive way that I can help myself with this potential diagnosis, then I would like to explore those avenues first.

It’s time I delve into this for once and for all and start asking the questions and finding the answers that will truly free me from this cycle that has plagued me for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. In a way, if this really is the answer, I would feel nothing but relief. Because the certainty of that answer would grant me the means and motivation to say, “okay. What next?”

I accept every part of myself and love myself for who I am. But if there is anything I can do to help myself, push myself, then I absolutely must do those things for the sake of that self-love and for the sake of the happiness, peace and stability I deserve. This is yet another chapter of my life that will bring me closer to my life’s purpose, my personal dream. I will not stand in the way of myself. I will help myself through.

I have time. I have all the time in the world. Anxiety and fear has no place left in my life, in my mind, in my heart. I don’t want it anymore.

I have a wonderful life that I am so truly thankful for. I have my loving family, my incredible sister, a partner I could have only dreamed of before, and friends who add such value and meaning to my life. I have a new job now, a promotion I’ve received as a result of the Universe’s faith in me, my hard work and my belief in myself. I have a healthy, fully-functioning body that allows me the privilege of doing pretty much anything and everything I set my mind to, including travelling the world and seeing all that it has to offer. I have a sound mind, and a compassionate heart. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am lucky.

I create my reality. I manifest what is meant for me with the help of the Universe. I understand that there is so much to this world, to this life than meets the eye. I have witnessed magic. What is there to be afraid of?

What, in this life, would prohibit me from having everything and anything I could possibly want for myself, other than me?

I just realized – it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve written a positive and uplifting log like this. I used to write them much more frequently when self-enhancement and self-love were my main focuses and priority. I fell into autopilot again without even realizing I had. By mindlessly sinking into the same old mind-numbing addictive habits of re-watching and binging the same shows over and over, of scrolling endlessly through feeds of images or ideas with little to no substance, by lowering my standards of what information I process or what I allow myself to give energy to. I forgot. I grew careless and undisciplined.

Today, I deleted Instagram and Netlix off of my phone with no second thought whatsoever. In this state, it became all too easy to see those things for what they were – vampires. They stole hours upon hours of my valuable time, drained me of my creativity, my passion, my will, my energy, my motivation. I admit that it was my choice to make; it was the path of least resistance – addictive in nature, but a dull empty pleasure that only the autopilot numbness can bring about, if only temporarily.

How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow? (if I do ever fall asleep LMFAO)

Right now, I have no urge to download those apps back. I want my time. I want my creativity. I want my passion, I want my life to be in vivid technicolour. I want to be present again. I want to feel like I have time once more, the abundance of time that choosing to indulge in those apps took away from me.

I can see the possibilities unfolding before me now, as a result of this day. With no Netflix or useless Instagram scrolling to take up all my time, all my hollow claims of wanting to return to the gym can now become a reality. I’ll have more time to paint, to allow my mind to roam peacefully with the boundless freedom that comes from unstifled creativity. More time to write. More energy to meditate. More time to get my affairs in order regarding my academic state and mental-health. More time to devote to my new position. More time FOR ME. More time for others. Less time spent staring at that brightly-lit phone screen. Less stress and anxiety that comes as a result of feeling like I don’t have time or that time is passing too quickly. I will learn to become present once more, and as a result more focused, at ease, and motivated. Discipline will become my first nature because it will reinforce the habits that truly add value, meaning, and colour to my life, a genuine happiness.

I keep saying I’m not an advocate of the “system” we’re all entrapped in, enslaved to and taught to abide by. But a part of that system is buying into, attaching value and investing time and energy into social media/media binging in an effort to stay “consistent” with the content that society has deemed of absolute significance. SIGNIFICANCE TO WHOM!?!? AND WHY!?!?!?

I think what is meaningful and important is definitely unique to each and every individual. It’s important to me that I also don’t fall into any mental traps/standpoints of believing that any “way” is the “right way”. Whatever makes everyone happy/at ease/at peace/content in their life and whatever way it takes for them to attain that state is right for them. But what’s right for some isn’t right for all and time and time again, life finds a way to show me that in so many different aspects of my life.

I have to stop conforming to what I’ve been taught. I can’t attach any significance or meaning to graduating at 30 (if I do decide to graduate at all), or when I move out, or how I choose to live my life or how I decide to spend my time. And what I mean by that “significance or meaning” is, I cannot concern myself with what it means to ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. I have to stop caring about how people perceive me and I need to stop revolving all of my choices around those perceptions because I will NEVER be truly happy if I continue to do that.

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT!?!?! ME!!! NOT ANYONE ELSE, BUT ME!!!!

I have to do everything and anything it takes to answer that question, but NOT according to anyone’s standards/expectations/perceptions but my OWN. Otherwise, I’m going to spend the rest of my existence blaming everyone around me but myself, for choosing the things I did.

I never realized how deeply entrenched my indecisiveness really is. I’ve always thought of it as some surface aspect of myself, something I could work on with minimal effort and eventually it’d go away. But you know what? This is more unconsciously rooted than I’ve realized myself. I understand now that I’m not as completely free of the fear of the outcome as I once believed I was. It’s still buried there somewhere deep in my psyche. I can’t seem to make any concrete decisions regarding what I want for myself regarding school because I can’t seem to dissociate that decision from my external surroundings in order to find clarity within. Hm.

Whoa – I just opened my phone out of curiosity to check for any potential notifications and when I realized there weren’t any, my immediate impulse was to click the exact spot where Instagram used to be, automatically. I can’t believe how ingrained that reaction has become and it’s actually really fucking scary, what the fuck man. How the hell did I become so programmed without realizing!?!?!? Jesus Christ. I do believe in moderation, but fuck no you are not downloading that goddamn app until that impulse becomes a distant memory with the utmost certainty that it will never, ever return again. NOPE.

Another thing I noticed today – I sat down to eat earlier, and again my unconscious impulse was to bring my phone over, open Netflix and put on an episode of the Office so that I could… DISTRACT MYSELF FROM EATING??? How did I let this happen!?!? Okay, that question isn’t going to help me much I’ll admit but still man, it’s mind-fucking-boggling, damn son.

God. Please, me. Please. This is… Adderall me? Clear me? Higher-vibrating me? Motivated me? I don’t know, this is you talking to you. An aspect of you that is addressing your… “normative” functioning self, the self that operates on a daily basis.

You did the absolute right thing today. You really fucking did. Please do not undo this massive step forward you’ve just taken. If you ever, ever feel tempted (because by God we know full fucking well how hard it is to break an addiction) please just come back to this log. I am BEGGING you. DO NOT RELAPSE AND DOWNLOAD THOSE APPS. PLEASE. I love you, I love you so much and I want us to be happy, to be present, to be our best and most fully-functioning selves. I don’t want you to have to rely on these pills to feel this clear-headed or “awake”. You can do this on your own. You can BE THIS on your own, I truly believe that. Just, don’t give in to the mindlessness. Stay mindFULL, and watch how your life transforms. I swear to you it will. You KNOW that it will, you know it. That’s why there was some part of you, maybe it was me, that was begging you to return to doing the things you love, like painting. OH GOD, even while you were painting you had Netflix on in the background, do you remember!? Why?! You have nothing to run from, to escape from; you have NOTHING TO FEAR!!! Allow yourself the complete stillness, peace, happiness and beauty that being present can bring to you because you deserve it so, so much, you really do. Everything in your life will fall into place and happen exactly as it’s meant to if you just stay HERE, right HERE in THIS moment, right NOW. Enjoy every single day that you’re given to the exquisite fullness of each minute. Do everything that you have to do, one thing at a time, without worrying about the next task and the task after that. Give that same passion that you have for the people in your life, to the things that you do, every single thing you do, and your life will overflow with abundance, peace and meaning. It all starts here. And you know, it seems so menial doesn’t it? Deleting two apps off of your phone; seems almost insignificant. But it’s not. You know it’s not. It’s more than just that. I want the quality of your life to wholly reflect the deep and sincere love I have for you. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And I know you want this too. I think I’m fading out now, but I’m always a part of you. If I’m the inner voice, then you know that I’m always speaking to you. Maybe you’re hearing me a lot clearer right now, but I promise you. If you just clear away the clutter, get rid of the empty and meaningless distractions that add no value to your life, I swear to you that you will always hear me, clear as a bell. I’m always with you. I love you. We’re going to do better.

It’s been a crazy day. It’s officially 3:04 AM now, and I’m starting to remember what tiredness/sleepiness feels like. I think it’s time to call it a day but holy fuck. Holy shit man. This was quite the epiphany, if you can call it that. Nah, it was like… remembering. Remembering with the utmost vivid clarity.

Even if I do have ADHD, I don’t think I can be in this state constantly, this level of calm-focus. I don’t know. I’m scared it would become… my norm? Would I take it for granted? Like I’m happy with my normative-functioning self too, you know. I know she can be forgetful, distracted easily, indecisive, and she can’t focus sometimes. But we’re working on that, and I don’t want her to become dependant on anything outside of herself to feel this way. I love her too much for that.

Maybe there’s a healthy in-between. A dosage or natural treatment that would allow me to function just a smidgen more efficiently without messing with my chemical/hormonal makeup too drastically. A middle way. There’s always a middle way.

Last time I did Adderall, I felt this way too. I felt like I could take on the world and do anything. I just need to learn how to harness that feeling and make it accessible to myself without the use of the pills, somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I forgot what I wanted to say next, which means it’s definitely wearing off heh. Oh well. I love me, all of my me’s, every part of me, every state of me. Drunk me, clear me, sober me, high me, crying me, laughing me, hyper me, mellow me, you name it. Even the indecisive, unfocused, forgetful me. I love that me too.

Tomorrow… well the morning coming up after the brief nap I’m about to take, I have important things to do. I’m glad I’ve scribbled everything down and written up all of this. It’s going to serve as an important reminder in case I ever do “forget” and slip into old habits again.

And a solemn warning to myself too – no matter how clear, how good, how decisive, or peaceful this state feels, I CANNOT GET DEPENDANT UPON OR ADDICTED TO THIS STATE AS INDUCED BY THE PILLS. Aka no pill addictions, okay? You can’t go from one addiction to another. Just, be. And do your best. You can do this.

I just yawned and I’m so happy LOOOOL.

Okay, sleep time. I can’t wait to read all of this tomorrow.

I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that or lose sight of the importance of that love, and everything it needs and entails. No matter how much love you receive from outside of you, never forget that you have to do your part to maintain it from within just as equally too.

You’re amazing. You’re going to find exactly what’s meant for you, and I know you know that.

Love, a brilliant, dazzling, ever-present love,

Me.

Day 34 – February 3rd, 2019

Okay, as happy as I am that I’m writing consistently every day, these short little logs have got to go. I need to allot a certain amount of time per day to write out a proper log or else I’m doing this for nothing.

Luckily, I’m off tomorrow which means I can sit down and write a good and proper and honest log.

I don’t like that I feel like I’m forcing myself to do this at the moment for the sake of consistency so I’m going to cut this short and write properly tomorrow.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 21 & 22 – January 21st + 22nd, 2019

Whoops, I forgot to write yesterday too! I knew I was forgetting something. Awell!

Yesterday was absolutely amazing. The girls and I went to a salt cave spa and just indulged ourselves with relaxation and rest. I did an infrared sauna session that warmed me to my core and released toxins, and then we all did the salt cave together.

The salt cave is exactly what you think it is – a cave comprised solely of Himalayan pink salt bricks, with a layers upon layers of smaller salt crystals bedecking the floor. They even pump salt-infused humidified air into the cave in order to clear your sinuses and respiratory system! It was a grounding and rejuvenating experience and I’m glad I got to experience it with some of my favourite people.

Later on in the evening, we had a wonderful dinner together with this incredible spread of tapas and other appetizers and bite-sized morsels. It was literally a spread from my dreams, anyone who knows me well enough knows that I freakin’ love finger foods and bites.

We had such an incredible time together just laughing and talking about everything and anything – and it felt so nice to have the group all back together after a year of estrangement.

I’m glad we’ve all decided to let bygones be bygones. Life’s too short!

There’s something I kind of wanted to discuss with myself here as honestly as humanly possible with the utmost clarity I can muster. I must reiterate to myself though: just because it’s on my mind, does not mean it has power over me. By writing about it here, I am choosing to let it go afterwards and I will not entertain any further thoughts of it or give any more energy to it after this.

So during my last shift at work, Luna told me she had something… interesting to tell me. She told me that Sera had sent her a video that Dylan told her to tell Luna to show to me (if that makes any sense at all).

Okay basically, Dylan took Sera to a little cove in Hawaii where the waters were crystal blue and sparking – my favourite place in Hawaii. He told her it was my favourite place, and there they saw some sea turtles. In fact, it was Dylan’s first time seeing sea turtles and he got to swim with them too.

I’d already seen the video myself on his Instagram and I couldn’t help but comment and say how amazing it was; but I’d left it at that. I hadn’t realized that he’d seen them in my favourite place.

Luna, with that sly trouble-making smile of hers, casually mentioned how “interesting” it was that Dylan had taken Sera there, and wondered aloud what it meant that he was thinking of me there.

I brushed it off with a shrug and walked away, but you know, I couldn’t help but wonder either.

So, rationally – it could mean nothing. Maybe that’s his new favourite place there too. Maybe it had nothing to do with me, even if he did mention to Sera it was my favourite place and even though she told Luna to show me that video.

Bottom line: regardless OF whatever it means – I’m with Adrian, and happily so. It doesn’t matter what it does or doesn’t mean. I’ve made my choices and Dylan’s made his. Now, all that’s left and all I want is our friendship, genuinely.

I went on break with Sola shortly after and I told her about what Luna told me. What I love about Sola (amidst her wonderful humour and massive heart) is that she’s always always 110% honest with me, completely. And it’s never ever in a judgemental, condescending way where she acts like she knows more or better than I do – she’s always warm like sunshine and sincerely genuine. She’s kind of like the older sister I’ve never had, but she honestly seems closer to me in age (and looks it too). She’s lived long enough to know stuff and has experienced so much in life; so, I trust her opinion.

Anyways, she thinks that he and I won’t be able to be friends – that when you have feelings for someone, they’re always a part of you. I agree with the latter to a certain extent; I believe you have a choice on letting those feelings become a part of who you once were and eclipsing a new relationship with the old ways you once related to that person.

He suggested that we hang out once we get back (which, who knows if that’ll actually happen tbh knowing him), but say he does make that effort and it does end up happening. I trust myself enough to be completely honest with me – if there’s even the slightest inkling of feelings beyond friendship on my part (nervousness, butterflies, any of that) then I step back and let things be. It’s been over a year since all of that though, and I’ve stepped into my relationship with Adrian wholly, with all of my heart. We’ll see what the truth of the matter is when/if I’m actually in that situation, but I know what I know and I feel what I feel. I trust myself.

And if Sola is right and the fact that he did bring Sera there means more than just simple friendship in any way, shape or form, I’ll know, and take the necessary measures to step back.

I really do want to just be friends and I’m hoping we can do just that, regardless of what’s happened and what I’ve said and felt towards him. He was a good friend to me first and foremost before anything else happened, and I want to keep that friendship if we can. We’ll see how it goes though.

Olivia asked me if seeing his posts on Instagram or anything like that made my heart skip a beat or react in any way, and honestly? No, not anymore. I’m so completely head over heels for Adrian – he’s everything I could have ever wanted for myself, if not more. I told Sola that it feels like I’ve been searching for him in everyone I’ve ever loved or been with and that I’ve finally found him, and she teared up and got emotional LMAO. It truly feels that way though. He’s all the best pieces and parts of everyone I’ve ever fallen for, and so much more than that in who he is as a person and what he brings to the table that is our relationship.

I’m happy. And that’s that.

That’s all for today I believe! Also – Adrian and I finally booked our ticket to New Orleans, YAYYYYYYYYY!! It’s official baby, we’re going to NOLA in exactly 24 days!!!! Ahhhhhhhh I’m so excited, I can’t waitttttt! My travel bug is itching like crazy, I need this so bad.

I’ll find some time to write tomorrow, I promise! I know yesterday was technically the “21 day mark” of forming my new habits, but clearly I still need some work on my discipline. The meditation and skin care routine is going well though!!!

Take the wins where you can, right?

Love always,

Me.

Day 5 – January 5th, 2019

Hello! Okay so I’m gonna type out a super quick log because I’m with Adrian right now, but I didn’t want this day to pass without writing.

We had the most… incredible date day today. And not because what we did, but because what we spoke about. It got so, so, so intense. In fact, I barely have the words to explain how profound and thought-provoking our conversation was, only that it made me think in ways I didn’t even know I could think in.

I’ve never met anyone like him. I can talk to him about the things I actually want to talk about – the awareness behind our primary stream of consciousness, how language cannot efficiently capture universal truths or experiences such as being at the edge of a cliff, how we are so much more than our thoughts and our feelings and bow awareness of this fact can change your entire direction of life.

I’ll go more into depth when I have a moment. I just wanted to mention, how completely in awe I am of him, of us, of how we found in each other. I never in a million years thought I could have conversations like these, have answers like the ones I gave today.

Sigh.

Okay, that’s all for today! Until tomorrow.

Love always,

Me.

Day 186 – 189 – July 5th to 8th, 2018

Hello! So, I’m back from our epic cottage weekend and I have tons to write about. It was wild to say the least, but honestly it’s definitely going down in history as one of the craziest weekends of my entire life. But before I delve into this past weekend, I want to back track to Thursday night because that was also one of the best nights I’ve had this summer as well.

So Thursday night after work, Adrian picked me up and we went to Han Ba Tang, and I was so so excited about sharing this place with him because it has such character and the food is fucking incredible. And he loved it!!! We ordered a bunch of things and shared them together, and literally everything was so delicious. I love that we keep taking turns planning out date nights and bringing each other to incredible food places or finding cool things to do.

After dinner, I told him to choose what we did next and he decided we’d go to a vapour lounge since I’ve never been before and I was so excited. Turns out, it was the lounge he used to go to before and there was also a UK candy store nearby, so we picked up a bunch of candy and headed to the lounge. It was so cool – we had to smoke the vape out of this massive bag like thing and the vapour was so smooth, we didn’t cough at all. And the high was so good, like this body-buzz you could feel all throughout.

We had so much fun – we watched some Planet Earth, and then we got out Guess Who and started playing. At the last round of Guess Who, we both chose the same person and we both were so in awe LMAO. We do that a lot though, our brains are in sync a lot of the time. After a couple hours of just mellowing out, we decided to head out because it looked like it was about to rainstorm really badly and we wanted to get home safely. But by the time we left, it had already begun to pour and neither of us had an umbrella.

He suggested that he could go run to the parking lot on his own and bring the car around so I could stay dry, but I told him it was totally okay and I didn’t mind a little rain. So we ran together in the rain and the lightning and thunder, and it was so ridiculously rom-com level cheesy but I loved it so much! He even said it himself; he pointed out how in rom-coms the female lead runs through pouring rain and magically doesn’t ruin her make-up or looked dishevelled and how he didn’t think that was real life, but somehow I was defying that and still looked amazing whilst being drenched by the rain. (He’s so incredibly sweet, I cannot).

But my favourite part? Once we got back to his car, instead of us getting in, he spontaneously pulled me close instead and kissed me in the rain. And holy hell, what a kiss it was.

After, he pulled away and asked me if that was too cliché but I was so happy that I couldn’t even speak so all I did was shake my head and smile. Once we eventually made it back into the car, I told him that I’d never been kissed in the rain before and that that had been my first time ever, so he’d knocked yet another thing off of my bucket list. I also explained that that was not too cliché because I literally live for cheesiness and I’m a walking cliché myself.

We spent some more time together after that and I’m not going to get into it in detail but I will say that after we were just sitting together for a while and we were just contemplating the nature of our chemistry. I don’t think either of us can fully comprehend it (at least I know that I definitely can’t sometimes) but we both agreed that it’s something else and neither of us can get enough of the other.

All in all, yet another perfectly amazing date night. I honestly don’t know how, but each date or every time we hang out keeps getting better than the last time. I think with him, it’s easy for me to be present – I catch myself staring at him all the time, just memorizing the little details in his smile or the way he laughs. I’m present in the moments he’s close to me, or when he’s kissing me. Maybe that’s a part of why being around him feels so good; because it demands that I remain present in those moments, in order to truly experience every magical minute of it all.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that night! Onwards to this past weekend.

Honestly, all I’m going to say about it is that each and every time we all get together, it ends up turning into some kind of crazy adventure or insane shenanigans. But, we make it through those moments together, end up bonding closer than ever, and have amazing memories to show for it afterwards. It was a wild weekend filled with all sorts of different experiences, but all in all it happened exactly the way it was meant to and that’s that.

We all definitely had an incredible time and I know for sure none of us are going to forget this past weekend for as long as we live. And I’m so happy that this is my family, you know? We all have something different to offer, but it’s always so easy to be around one another.

So, the first week of July comes to a close already. This month, I’ve been given a ton of hours because there’s only me and Sharon working for the company mostly, but I’m hoping someone else will come on the team for the summer and take some of the hours to balance things out. We’ll see what’s meant to be!

I just want to take this moment to connect with myself and say this: I’m thankful. I’m grateful that I’m surrounded by such incredible people, beautiful souls and such amazing energy. I’m loved, I am protected and I am happy. That’s all I can ask for.

It’s going to be a great month! Summer’s always a wonderful dream.

Until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

Day 136 to 143 – May 16th – 23rd, 2018

Okay soooo… I haven’t written in over a week, which makes this the longest I’ve gone without writing since this year has begun. And throughout the week, I’d catch myself getting a little overwhelmed with my overthinking here and there at work and I kept telling myself “I need to write, I need to write” – not only to document everything that’s happened, but also as an outlet for all of my pent-up thoughts and emotions from the last week or so.

Again, this week has passed by in a blur of work shifts (which actually ended up taking their toll on the past Saturday), but these past three days I’ve been off and spending time with friends and family so that’s helped quite a bit to help me get centered once more.

I’m so lazy to type this, it’s late at night and I have a work shift tomorrow. But that shift is like, an all-day thing and I know I’m going to be tired when I get back from work, ugh.

I have such long stories that I need to catch up on (okay, maybe just two, but there’s a lot of context to them in order for them to make sense).

My gut says… I should just sleep for now, and finish this off (or start it all, really) tomorrow after work. After all, I actually do finish earlier than I normally do and I suppose I won’t be as tired as I think. I’d rather write that log with a fresh mind and no laziness whatsoever as to not leave out important details.

Okay, until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.