Day 95 + 96 – April 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello! So it’s currently really late at night and I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to write this log but, I’m not feeling too sleepy with the amount of thoughts that are currently running through my brain that I need to get out, and then I think I’ll be able to sleep and face tomorrow and be good again.

The bruise-y feeling is back. Yep, I hung out with Dylan.

I don’t get it! The more time we spend away from each other, the better – I think of him less, and when I do think of him, all I feel is friendly feelings. But legit, the last couple times we’ve hung out have literally left me feeling nostalgic for something we never even had. So, I don’t get it.

I know full well he only thinks of me as a friend. He’s gone from texting me “dude” to full-on saying it in person now, (honestly, I’m pretty sure that’s the last word he said to me as I was getting out of the car after saying goodbye). And like, it’s fine, that doesn’t bug me as much anymore because truly, I am very happy being his friend and am getting more and more comfortable with this fact as time goes on.

So, why do I feel this way every single time we hang out? Why does it leave me feeling all ache-y, have me re-living literally every single part of the conversation for hours afterwards while I smile like an idiot?

Are my feelings not resolved? Do I need closure or some kind?

I checked inwards and my inner voice shook my head “no” to closure, because even though we never really had “that” conversation (“Listen, you’re a great girl but I only see you as a friend”), he still made it perfectly clear at the end of last year that friendship is all that’s cut out for us.

So with this knowledge, why do I still feel this way each time we hang out? Shouldn’t this be getting easier?

I mean, it sort of is. Like, infinitesimally. I’m definitely more comfortable being myself, and the initial nervousness is wearing off a lot quicker each time we hang out.

Maybe it’s because of the content of our conversations. Maybe it’s because we’re so alike in the ways that matter to me most – our “try everything” attitude, the deep love of adventure and travel, how we both want more out of life than just to settle down living here when there’s so much world out there to see, how we both believe living simplistically and humbly is the key to happiness.

Speaking of the content, side note but today was actually a lot of fun! We talked and talked and talked, I told him all about my trip and all the things I realized that I wanted for myself, I asked him a question I’ve been meaning to ask him for a while regarding his own realizations, we caught up on our home-life situations and so much more. He even took the time to fill me in on the current dramas regarding UFC, and then legit took a full half hour to teach me the basics about baseball since I legit have no clue how any of it works.

I ventured out of our conversation comfort-zone for a moment by commenting on how cute his Hawaii travel-buddies were, and even said that I was planning on using one of his buddies’ pick-up tactics that he used on chicks while they were there. I just want him to know that I’m over it too, you know? (Even though I’m clearly not).

Is it because he falls so perfectly into the attraction habits I have that Nadia pointed out to me? That I tend to search for guys that I believe need saving or guidance?

The thing is with that is, the more I get to know him, the more he falls out of that pattern – he doesn’t need my help. He’s figuring out his life for himself, through travel, through introspection. Better yet, even if he did need help, he’d never in a million years ask for it, nor would I probably ever know for sure because of how guarded he is about himself. (Less now more so though, he talks about his family and himself a lot more openly with me now).

Sigh.

In the end, none of these questions matter I suppose. I feel the way I feel when we hang out (for now), I don’t want to stop being friends with him regardless of the bruise-y, and regardless of how I do feel and what I told him last summer, inevitably he only sees me as a friend and that’s that. I have to be patient and let time do its work to heal my heart.

Because, I really do think we’ve got a great friendship ahead of us – today we both agreed that we’d love to travel together sometime since it’d definitely be a blast and that if he or I end up in any part of the world for some time, we promised to visit each other for sure.

I’m just going to trust the process and put my faith in the universe on this one, like I plan to do for every aspect of my life. I’m not going to deny the way I feel to myself, and I’m happy I can talk to me about it because it’s perfectly okay that I feel this way. I’ve known for some time that Dylan’s a great guy, and it’s not that I’m incapable of being friends with him. I just need to fall out of the deep attraction I have to the potential I saw for us. Deep down I know it doesn’t make sense to have such strong feelings for the “maybes” that never were, but it is what it is and that’s okay. It’s me.

You know, the more we hang out, the more I wonder what it was that made him like… change his mind? Or maybe this was how he felt the entire time but didn’t quite know how to tell me? And maybe he only asked me out on that first date to be nice?

That said, what I mean by all these questions is that I’m finally beginning to get a little curious as to his thought process on the whole matter of me telling him how I felt about him, and what led us to where we are now.

Maybe one day when I feel like we’re in a sturdier place with our friendship, I’ll dredge up the courage to ask. Maybe it’ll be on a beach in Bali after a long day of surfing (which he promised he’d teach me how to do). Who knows!

In the meanwhile, I must continue to do my best to move on. And I am! I’ve met some incredible guys, made some pretty great connections, and there’s a ton of potential in the air with all these little threads of possibilities. So, we’ll see where life takes me. I’m glad I started this year off by telling the universe I’m ready! I’m still doing my own thing and focusing on me, but I’ve got to admit it’s been a hell of a lot of fun talking to all the guys I’ve met thus far. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever indulged in light-hearted casual fun! It’s been great.

Anyways, it’s time for me to head to bed. I feel better! Still bruise-y, but less ache-y.

I took a moment to re-read the log I wrote after the last time we hung out, and it’s basically this exact same log, word for word LOL. Same questions, same realizations. I wonder what lesson I’m failing to learn here, (if there is one).

OH WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to let gooooooo. Yes, we laugh, we have fun, we can talk endlessly and yes his arms looked absolutely delectable in that black t-shirt he was wearing today. Alas! C’est la vie *shrug*.

I’m grateful for the pain though! I’m grateful for it all, grateful that I feel things as deeply as I do. I can’t imagine living life any less passionately than the way I do now.

Until tomorrow,

Love always and eternally,

Me.

Day 340 continued (December 6th)…

Hello! I promised myself I’d continue so here I am. Olivia is currently using her laptop for her essay so I’m in my room typing this up on my phone. I know if I don’t do this now, I won’t find a moment to for the next couple days because I’m going to be busy as hell.

So, where was I?

Ah yes, when I asked him why jiu-jitsu!

He seemed pretty surprised, but he explained that of all the martial arts or MMA, it appealed to him most. The technique, the artistry, the skill behind it all. He mentioned that it John Kavanagh inspired him a lot, and McGregor too. But he also said that it helped him to get over his ex, and to come to terms with his relationship with his dad. Getting into jiu-jitsu changed a lot for him, and he was so grateful and thankful that it found its way into his life.

Afterwards, he asked me why I asked him that. And I simply stated that I was curious. He didn’t think his story was all to interesting, but I told him that anyone who had passion would always be interesting.

He told me a couple inspiring stories of people he’s met through bjj, and the conversation kind of took on its own pace from that point.

And then, finally, he explained why he could relate to me and my familial situation as well as he could.

His uncle was an addict, not just to gambling but to a plethora of other hardcore drugs such as heroin. He told me about his uncle’s life – how he had a lot of money at such a young age, which opened up the doors to a lot of different temptations. His fiancée left him, and he was diagnosed with depression, and it was a downward spiral from there.

He opened up a lot – and not just about his uncle. He talked about his relationship with his dad, why it was rather strained from an early age. He confided in me about moments that no kid should remember.

He also explained that addiction ran in his dad’s side of the family, for a lot of his dad’s family members.

There was a lot that we could relate on, but in those moments, I just listened as he spoke. For once, my mind went silent.

And once he was done, I in turn opened up about my own life and what I’d gone through with my dad. The gambling AND alcohol addiction, the terrible memories, the lengths I’d go to to protect Olivia.

I told him about my suicidal breakdown, the ways in which I bounced back from it, but how I also struggled through school because of how it all affected me. I told him everything.

Afterwards, he just stared at me. And that eye contact… it was so intense. I felt as though he could see right through me, and I had to look away.

He told me that he respected me so much more now, having learnt all of that about me. He acknowledged how much I’d been through and said he felt almost as though he didn’t know what to say. And I told him that I wouldn’t change any of it at all, because I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for everything I’ve experienced.

That conversation was so intense that when I think back to it in my mind, I can see and feel the way that everything else in the restaurant just fell away – all I could see or hear was him, all I was focusing on was our conversation with the utmost intensity.

After we kind of settled, we both sat back and kind of breathed and all the sounds and atmosphere returned. Such a strange feeling.

But the conversation didn’t end there – after all the heaviness and depth, we returned to more light hearted topics.

He told me that he wants to travel so that he can help out too, and volunteer his time; there’s a priest who organizes a trip to Dominican Republic to teach baseball to the kids of the villages, because they play with sticks and rocks. Dylan said that the priest really struck him when he explained that there was no feeling like putting a new baseball into the hands of a little kid.

After that, we asked for the bill (he wouldn’t let me pay even though I wanted to, literally such a gentleman). As we walked out, it began to snow, much to my delight (and not so much his – he was wearing a jean jacket). We talked the whole way to the car, and we even sat and talked in it for a bit while we waited for the car to heat up. We talked more about meditation, about how it physically affects the body. We talked about energy, how powerful it can be, how you can literally sense someone else’s energy or the energy of a room.

As we drove towards my house, it was one of the last things he said that made me realize where his mind was at. That made me realize why this was kind of an end, in the most bittersweet kind of way.

He told me that he wants to leave the country, that he wants to live somewhere else, for at least half a year to a year. And when I asked why, he explained that it was because he’s been here all his life. His family, his friends, they were his comfort. He didn’t know who he was outside of all of that. But he wants to know.

He wants to know who he is when he’s outside of his comfort zone. When he’s somewhere completely unfamiliar, meeting new people and experiencing a different culture. But most of all?

He wants to do this alone.

He still feels like he needs to know himself deeper, experience more of life, and he’s very aware that all of these things need to happen while he’s on his own.

I commended him on his self-awareness and told him how impressed I was. Not a lot of people had the real desire to be alone. To strengthen their sense of self. Truly, I was so blown away.

So why did this feel like an implicit end?

Because to me, I feel like he’s self-aware to the point that he knows that he doesn’t want to engage in a relationship until he’s completely comfortable with his sense of self. Until he knows himself completely. And I couldn’t be happier for him, honestly.

That’s why this is so bittersweet. Because, a part of me is thrilled that I’ve met someone like him. Someone so mature, self-aware, intellectual and intelligent, open-minded, sincere and genuinely kind, someone who truly wants to give back to the world while experiencing everything it has to offer… but I can’t be with this person because he’s not where he wants to be, in his life. And I myself admit I still have tons to learn.

And you know, maybe he is seeing other people and doing what he’s got to do for the time being. Regardless of self-aware he may be, he’s also young and human, and we all crave that contact and that intimacy.

But for sure, there is an old soul in there. A wonderful one, at that.

I’m so utterly and completely happy and thankful for last night. It was all I wanted – to connect. It was real. Just like that moment beneath the stars. It was real because my ego-mind went quiet. It goes silent when it has nothing to say or nothing to project onto the moment at hand.

I’m so happy that he felt comfortable enough to let me in, after all. So truly humbled.

I don’t expect anything more than this. I would love a friendship, and I definitely don’t want to lose this person from my life. But, he admitted during dinner that after this Christmas season, he wouldn’t be returning to the Bay anymore. So… these next few shifts he works may very well be the last ones we’ll ever work together.

Will we see each other outside of that life? Are we meant to, even as friends? Or was last night meant to be the answer I was searching for all along? Was last night meant to be that goodbye?

I don’t know for sure. All I truly know is that going with the flow seems to be the best way to go about this, so I shall continue to do that.

I know for sure now, without a doubt, I will not settle for anything less than this, now that I know it exists. The amazing conversations full of learning and growth, the introspection and genuine connection. The self-awareness and striving to better ones’ self. The positivity and strength and kindness. The adventurousness and humour, the incredible and inspiring sense of independence. That’s what I want in a partner. That’s what I want in myself.

Anyways, it’s getting late now and I should sleep. I’ve thanked the universe but again… I’m so grateful. Thank you. Last night was more than I could have asked for, in so many ways.

Until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

Day 337, 338, 339, 340 – December 3rd, 4th, 5th, & 6th, 2017

In the midst of this 50 hour work week that I’ve taken on, I’ve finally found a quiet moment to type everything that I’ve missed for the last couple days and… boy, is it ever a lot.

There are so many things I have to cover! My session with Nadia, the conversation with Nick, and now, a new interesting occurrence that happened last night – I ended up hanging out with Dylan.

So, where do I begin? What do I address first? Do I start from the beginning and work my way to now, or do I jump right into how incredible last night was?

My impatience wants to go straight to last night, but I suppose it’s more fitting to start from what I’ve missed and work my way to the present moment. My gut is telling me that that’s how this log is supposed to go, for some reason. So, here we go.

My session with Nadia was probably one of the best ones I’ve had yet. We talked about my family as per usual, and I updated her on the situation (because the alcohol relapse happened after I saw her last). She made me realize that sometimes, I can only do so much. And that as much as I want to help my family, it’s also my form of trying to control the situation, in a sense.

I got anxious because as much as I was trying to keep everything altogether, it wasn’t really going according to how I wanted it to go (in regards to my dad – he kept putting things off). But Nadia was right – sometimes, I have to accept that things (and people) are going to be out of my control and that that’s okay.

I asked her how exactly I could go about learning how to accept better that I cannot control all the aspects of my life, and she recommended a new book to me that I’m looking forward to reading sometime during this month.

After we talked about my family, the conversation headed towards Dylan.

I talked about how I got so caught up in my thoughts and feelings about him to the point that I felt like I didn’t really know what to do. And she simply told me to go with the flow, and let things happen as they do – just like my inner wisdom told me to do.

She LOVED my “let go” tattoo and totally understood why I got it – which in turn reminded me to look at it more, to practise it more in my day-to-day life.

This conversation led to me talking about my past relationships, and she helped me understand some very interesting things regarding my patterns of past attractions and my relationships.

She explained to me that in the first five years of our lives, we form what we know relationships, attachments, love, and affection to be through what we see in our parents. Those things that we see get embedded in our subconscious, and if you’re not aware of those things, they will come out in our OWN future relationships and what we seek in them.

For example, there was a direct correlation between how my mom unintentionally made me feel like she was trying to control my life and my education, and how controlling Din was of me; because of what I’ve experienced growing up with my mom trying to steer the direction of my life (purely out of love), I thought that Don being possessive, controlling and over-protective was his form of love towards me, which is why I didn’t know any better.

Also, the way I was attracted to Nick – right off the bat there was a part of me that knew that he wasn’t altogether there, that something was missing. But even then, I still pursued the relationship. He cheated on me because he was so full of resentments about his own life, that the instant gratification was too tempting and destructive for him to resist. He doesn’t love or care about himself enough, and so that reflected in our relationship too. Which correlates directly to my relationship with my dad – time and time again he “abandoned” our family, chose his addiction over us, and all I’ve ever known is sticking through that regardless of what happened. The same way my mom never gave up on my dad, I chose not to give up on Nick, regardless of all the darkness within him that he had no intention of truly fixing or healing.

It all made so much sense. She seemed to have all the answers, so I couldn’t resist asking her something that I’ve been wondering about myself for quite some time – why am I into younger guys?

And her answer blew me away.

All my life, I’ve been putting out fires for my family. Trying to save everyone. Protecting my sister, getting in between my mom and dad when they were fighting. Without even realizing, I took the “caretaker” role in my family upon myself. Somewhere down along the line, it became embedded in my subconscious that the only way I can connect to people or relate to them, is by trying to take care of them or fix them.

And so, I’m interested in younger guys because subconsciously a part of me believes that that age difference will automatically put me in a “care-taking” role because they’re younger than I am.

…mind-blowing, right?! That’s psychology for ya.

Nadia warned me to be aware of these signs. To stay clear of the bad traits I witnessed in my parents’ relationship with one another, and try to find or be with someone who embodied the good – the hard-working nature of my mom, her resilience and dedication, her loyalty. Her strength, and her adventurousness. My dad, despite his demons, has always been kind, affectionate, and loving. Those were the qualities I should seek in a partnership.

She warned me that I cannot fix or save anyone. And that seeking a relationship with the sole intention of being a “care-taker” would create an imbalance, and expectations that would ultimately leave me disappointed and unfulfilled.

She also told me to stay very clear of anyone who gave off the potential addict vibes, and I assured her that that was one thing I would never, ever allow myself to engage in. But man, little did I know… (I’ll explain this soon).

I’m scheduled for another appointment with her on the 14th of this month, and I can’t wait. I genuinely enjoy talking with her so much because she helps me to connect my past to my present, in an effort to create a better future for myself through self-awareness. I’m so, so grateful. And I’m so thankful I did this for myself.

Anyways, next up on the list of things I have to address: my recent conversations with Nick.

A couple days ago, Nick and I were talking about our new dating lives (my lack thereof, and his new girlfriend). And we were giving each other advice – he was telling me to be more straightforward about what I want for myself, and I was telling him to be more transparent with his thoughts and feelings with his new girlfriend so that he wouldn’t seem so unreadable.

Which led to him venting about her; he explained that he kind of resented her because he felt that she lived her life so much more than he’d lived his. She was a “hardcore party girl” (his words, not mine) and she recently admitted to him that she does cocaine sometimes, and that it’s easy for her to get.

Ultimately, this led to him questioning their relationship – he felt that she was trying to settle down with him and leave that life behind because she saw him to be her new-found stability and safety, an escape or balance to that lifestyle. But he didn’t want to be that stability because he felt that there was so much more to life that he had yet to experience. He felt that he’d been working in every single aspect of his life for so long – school, working at the restaurant for his parents, and now his multi-internships and volunteer experiences, that he never got to go out and enjoy life on his own terms.

But then he started getting honest.

The resentment wasn’t just towards his new girl – it was also towards his parents.

He felt angry all the time these days, even yelled at them because he felt that they took away his life. He resented them for the restaurant, for having to work there. He resented them because he felt that everything he’s done in regards to school and now his work, has been for them. He’s strived so hard to be a “good son” that that’s all he’s ever been and all he’s ever known. He felt trapped and caged.

And how he’s been dealing with it? Day-drinking. Every day, at all times.

(Alarm bells started going off in my head at this point. Because, this deep anger and unhappiness and the resultant drinking is EXACTLY how addictive patterns are formed).

I asked him if ever sat down with himself and asked himself what he wanted for and from his life. I told him that partying or drinking wouldn’t make him happy – it was a temporary fix for a very deep unhappiness he was currently experiencing. I told him that he should be honest with his parents, honest with his new girlfriend, and most importantly, honest with himself.

He kept saying that he couldn’t change anything, but I explained to him that saying he couldn’t change anything was a choice he was making for himself, not a reality. We ALWAYS have a choice. Saying that we don’t have a choice is a choice in itself.

I explained to him that he wanted so badly to be a “good son” that he would rather work at the restaurant and resent his parents, than be honest with them and salvage his relationship with them long term. His attachment to their perception of him was ruling his life and turning inwards.

But who was he outside of his family? What did he really want for himself? Has he ever asked himself any of that, tried to get to know himself better?

I was trying to help him look inside himself but I think it made him uncomfortable, because he started deflecting by attempting to change the topic.

And then Nadia’s advice along with my own voice of inner wisdom spoke in my head, unanimously: it’s not your responsibility to save anyone, and you cannot help anyone who isn’t the least bit willing to help themselves.

So, I let it go. I sent one last long message to him full of hard truths and thought-provoking questions. And when he deflected once more rather than acknowledging anything I said, I didn’t feel upset or unhappy – I was at ease, knowing that I said everything I could possibly say, knowing that I did my best to help but everything else was out of my control, and that was okay.

These conversations were the final nails in the coffin that I needed, in regards to the ghosts of my past feelings for him and our relationship.

I finally understood why he cheated on me, with such an intense clarity – resentment is probably all he’s ever known or felt for quite some time. And that resentment that he feels towards his parents probably makes him feel guilty to some degree, because that conflicts with his incessant need to be a good son. So the guilt turns inwards, and turns into anger. He said he felt caged and trapped. And honestly, our serious relationship with one another probably only added to that feeling. And so, rather than deal with what he was feeling, or acknowledge any of its potential destructive nature, he chose to self-destruct instead, and take our relationship down with him.

I’m not justifying what he did, I’m only saying that I finally understand now, utterly and completely, that what he did had absolutely nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with whatever he’s been trying to avoid and placate through alcohol.

He needs help. But until he admits that to himself, he’ll continue to spiral downwards into that unhappiness and it will always find its way back into his future relationships. That resentment will become the foundation of every one of the aspects that continue to form his life if he never does anything to address it. But ultimately, that’s not on me.

I hope for his sake that after four years of psychology, he’ll see these warning signs and consequently care enough about himself to discard his pride and seek help. He’s hit rock bottom before, but even that wasn’t enough motivation for him to look inwards long enough to do some real healing or introspection. Those rock bottom moments are inevitable for people who are unaware of themselves or what they need, so if it does happen to him again… I hope it’s not bad enough that it’s irreparable, and I hope that it’ll also be enough to propel him into the self-love, self-care and self-awareness that he so desperately needs.

And so, that’s that. Amazing that as this year slowly draws to a close, so does a lot of other aspects in my life. Which brings me to hanging out with Dylan last night.

My heart is in this weird bittersweet feeling right now – really happy and so content, but also a little heavy. The heaviness is making me uncomfortable because I worry that it’s my ego, but a part of me believes that it’s not. And that it’s okay for the heaviness to be there, at least for a little while longer.

A couple days ago, I booked a trip to Antigua for myself, my sister and my mom (UM, side note here to freak out about the fact that amongst everything that’s been happening I somehow neglected to mention the fact that I AM LEAVING THE COUNTRY IN LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS WHAT THE FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN THIS PAST WEEK LMAO LMAO).

So I sent a celebration snap of the booking to everyone, including Dylan. And he ended up replying, which led to a brief conversation about how I found the deal on next departure (the site he sent to me).

We talked for a little bit through snap and I ended up asking him if he was going to be coming into work that day. And his reply, while rather shocking, wasn’t quite surprising I suppose. What was surprising was how it made me feel. But more on that after.

He admitted that he wasn’t sure if he’d be coming back to the Bay at all. The rep from the company he worked for basically threw him under the bus and claimed that she wasn’t aware of the fact that he was working, and claimed that she hadn’t given the go-ahead of his schedule or that he could work at all (even though she had). So, until he knew further, he was barred from coming into his shifts until the company figured out what was going on.

Despite everything I’d said about letting go of my feelings and moving on, as soon as I read that I felt my heart sink. And I finally realized the truth of the matter – regardless of the intensity of my feelings or how caught up I got them, the truth was I genuinely liked Dylan as a person. Aside from all the stupid mind-blinding hormones or my fears of rejection or whatever else, I truly enjoyed our conversations and loved being around him. The thought of maybe never seeing him again made me so sad.

So, I went with the flow and did what felt right to me in that moment – I told him that if he ever needed a distraction or vent session, to let me know. Especially maybe over a mojito or some kalbi tacos at Han Ba Tang.

And, much to my utter (but pleasant) surprise, he asked me if school or work was taking up a lot of my time this week. I mentioned when I was free, but there was a little bit of struggle with the days we were suggesting since we both had other commitments throughout the week. And right when I thought that maybe it was too good to be true, he asked if I was free the next day (yesterday). And that worked out just fine for the both of us.

And so, throughout my ten hour shift yesterday, I focused solely on working. I threw myself into making sales so that my mind wouldn’t wander into daydreaming and projecting topics of conversations, variations of scenarios. I didn’t want to give my ego-mind that power. I wanted to accept whatever was to be, as it was, and nothing more than that.

But man, was it ever hard. Sometimes when it got quiet at work, my mind would begin to wander, my heart would start to race as a result and the anxiety would pick up.

I took a moment to write a note to myself, let my inner wisdom speak: “Dear you, this is your inner wisdom speaking. Remember everything you’ve learnt this week. Remember the clarity of being separated from your thoughts and feelings. DO NOT react – just observe. Listen. See. Be there in the moment. Be honest with yourself about your expectations – have none. Just let things happen as they do. Do not project. Most of all – be YOU. And have fun. Love always, me.”

And even better yet, the universe heard my inner plea for help and sent it to me physically in the form of the wonderful mystical Dana, who just happened to be visiting work yesterday.

There was a moment that she found her way over to my podium, and the exact conversation that I needed occurred: she reminded me of the power of manifesting your deepest wishes, how powerful we can be when we set our focus to our intentions. She made me question out loud what I really and truly wanted for myself right now, and this is what came forth:

I said that all I wanted right now, was real connection. I wanted good conversation, the thought-provoking growth-inducing kind of conversations that made everything else fall away. I don’t need or want anything more than just that right now, no matter what my ego-mind may be asking for.

It was amazing. It was magical. Once again, I saw the power of the universe at work. I immediately felt so much more at ease after that conversation.

I’m sitting here right now, taking a deep breath, because now is the part that I talk about what happened when we hung out.

What words can I used to properly express what it meant to me, how much it meant to me?

Well… I’ll do my best.

So after I finished my shift, he picked me up from work and I’m happy to say that I wasn’t nervous or anxious at all. We settled into talking about work at first, while we were on our way there; I explained what was going on in the department, and he let me know that the company he had been working for officially had let him go. But, on the bright side, he’d managed to pick up some hours with another brand so he’d be in at least a few more times this year.

Once we got there, we sat in the same area that we did the last time we went there (which was exactly how I visualized it in my head – not daydreamed, but visualized. Ergo, it manifested).

I’m laughing light-heartedly at myself in this moment because of how much I’m struggling to type this. I’m here with myself, in the sense that I know it’s okay to be feeling what I’m feeling, and I’m accepting it. But before I continue, let me explain why I’m struggling to type this; because I feel that once I’m done writing this log, that this is it – the inevitable, bittersweet end that will leave me with a short-term sense of melancholy but a lasting contentment and understanding. In short, this is a goodbye that I understand so much more now than I ever thought I would. The kind of end that I can accept with a true sense of happiness. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

As per usual, we talked about travel since we share such a mutual admiration for it. I talked about my upcoming trip, and he talked about his excitement for his trip to Hawaii. It was the same small talk that I’m used to (and thoroughly enjoy), at first.

But then the conversation started entering new territories, ones that actually surprised and intrigued me – because of the fact that he was now doing yoga, he was also doing some meditation! So we talked about our experiences with meditation thus far. I mentioned how I’ve been meditating every single day for the past three weeks, and he talked about his struggle with it. I talked about some helpful tips, such as accepting and watching your thoughts while you meditate rather than resisting them and trying to silence your mind. Because eventually, as a result of accepting your thoughts but not becoming attached to them, your mind will eventually and naturally fall silent on its own.

We talked about our awe of the human mind, the brain being a muscle that can be rewired and built. I told him about what I learnt in Psychology – how new neural pathways form when we start to learn something new, such as learning to play the piano. Those neural pathways strengthen the more your practise or cultivate that new thing into a habit. But when you stop contributing effort to that new endeavor and the consistency fails, if the neural pathways weren’t built upon enough, then they will decay and you will forget. But if you spent enough time doing it, they’d always be there and that memory would always be intrinsically a part of you – just like learning to ride a bike and never forgetting how to after wards, regardless of how long you went without doing it.

He was so in awe of all this, it made me so happy that he was so willing to learn about this stuff. And he himself is so smart – he taught me a lot too while we were talking, such as things he learnt from his podcasts that he listens to. The nature of DMT, or about CMT, which is a disorder that decays neural pathways and the nervous system as a result of getting hit in the head too many times (in relation to MMA and fighting). I hadn’t known about any of that stuff. There was this one point that he even took a moment to give me a brief rundown on the history of jiu-jitsu, which was so fascinating.

Once we got our food and drinks, there was a moment where there was a quiet moment in the conversation. So, I finally asked the question that’s been on the top of my list of questions to ask him, for quite some time: why jiu-jitsu? What got him into it?

This one question… launched us into a conversation, the conversation, that I’ve wanted since the beginning and throughout the duration of this year.

However, I am now running out of time. I started this log as soon as I woke up this morning around 9, and it’s already 12. I’ve been writing consistently for three hours!

The rest of this log deserves the right amount of time and dedication that the beginning of this log received. And I want to take a hot bath and just detox and relax my energy before I go into work today, because the energy there is getting worse and worse by the day.

So, I promise to myself that I will write when I get back from work. Fitting I suppose, that this log will end with the end of this day.

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 267 – September 24th, 2017

Hello! Well, it’s late Sunday night and I had the ultimate lazy Sunday. Everything that was supposed to happen today, didn’t – my driver’s instructor didn’t call and I didn’t remind him, so my lesson didn’t happen today (much to my relief), and we were going to go to the cottage today but it turns out someone else is already there so we didn’t go. So, I spent my day at home just doing absolutely nothing. I didn’t even feel like packing, LOL. So, so lazy! But like I never get to have days like today, so for once it was just to just do absolutely nothing. I even got to take a nap! I don’t remember the last time I took a nap. But it was fantastic.

So, what did I miss this past week that I’d like to talk about?

Let’s see… so earlier on in the week, Leila took me for some authentic Uyghur food somewhere close to her and oh my god. It was SO FUCKING GOOD. I was so, so excited to be trying food from her culture, and it made me so happy that she shared that with me. We had a lot of fun; we even went for dessert after at Go For Tea, and then I headed home. I honestly love that a huge aspect of our friendship entails our mutual deep love of food and being open to trying new things! And I love that she’s always taking me to somewhere new to try new stuff. We have the best friendship, hands down.

What else did I miss this week? Ah yes. My crazy driver’s lesson.

Long story short, my driver instructor thought it’d be a good idea to take me around the neighbourhood once… and THEN MAKE ME DRIVE ALL THE WAY OUT TO YORK. ON MY SECOND LESSON!!!!

I cannot begin to explain how surreal it was to be driving like any regular human being. Like stopping at red lights, making turns at major intersections (albeit muttering “oh dear god” under my breath multiple times) and interacting with other cars and pedestrians, all within my second lesson.

At one point, he was going to take me on the high way!!!!!!! But I refused, I was already in shock with driving for so long on regular roads and busy intersections.

I mean, I’m proud of myself, I really am! I actively faced one of my biggest fears without dying (although he did grab the steering wheel a couple times here and there, LMAO). It was just a lot to handle in one go. And now I have anxiety when I think about it because I’m still not quite used to the idea of driving yet, and I know I won’t ever be unless I continue to face my fear in that way – by diving in, not just dipping a toe in. Sigh.

I’m sure it’s all going to be fine. But I can’t lie, I’m glad I’m avoiding all responsibility for a little while (I’m leaving for the airport tomorrow at 3 am!!!) It’ll be nice to get away for a little bit.

Moving on! At the end of this week on the Friday, Olivia and I hung out with Bianca and Bethany! We went to this vegan place called Doomies and it was so incredible! The food was delicious, and literally everything there was vegan, which was very impressive. After Doomies, we all went to shisha for a while and we stayed out until about 1 in the morning, just catching up about everything we’ve missed and talking about current things. Despite how long it’s been since we’ve all hung out last, it felt absolutely natural, as though no time had passed. I’m glad that we’re all in a good place with one another, and that family feel is still there. We’ve all known each other way, way too long to let something like our relationships with one another go that easily, and I’m glad that we all realized it.

This week was a good week! I went to my classes, enjoyed my lectures, and now I’ve got to keep up with my readings for this week while I’m away. I’m going to bring my notes and my readings so that I can keep up during the down time of the trip, which I’m sure I’ll find time to do. I’m just glad that I won’t be missing any assignments or tests! We honestly picked a perfect week to go.

Ou and, last but not least! After that lovely Sunday last week, Dylan and I were pretty much texting continuously like every day, until about Friday I’d say. But it was the context of these conversations that made me really happy – at first, he was venting a little about the trip planning stress. But inevitably, everything worked out; he ended up booking plane tickets to Hawaii with two of his jiu-jitsu buddies!!!! I am so, so incredibly excited for him. He’s going around the same time that Luna, Lana and I went, incidentally! He’s going to have so much fun, and experience so much adventure! I was sending him pictures from my trip, like the things I saw and even the food we ate, and he was getting really excited about it all. He was asking me questions, like my opinion on some of the plans they were going to do such as staying two days at the north shore of the island, and such. I’m glad I was able to help out!

I even told him about my crazy driver’s lesson, and he said he was proud of me, (hehe). It was cute.

The conversation has kind of quietened down now, but it’s good! I like that we talked as much as we did during the week but, I also like that we both have our own thing going on and that we don’t text a lot a lot. Because then when we see each other, we have a lot to catch up on and talk about.

I can finally say, without a single doubt, that I finally love the pace at which this is going at. I can say that because the universe came through and gave me the little signs of reassurance that I needed, and I once again have complete faith in the fact that everything will happen as it’s meant to. I even have this beautiful sense of patience that I was struggling so hard to maintain before! I know that whatever will happen will be worth the wait, so all I feel is excited now. I’m truly in no rush whatsoever.

Once I come back from this trip (re-centered and at peace) I have to really sink into school mode. I know that’ll be a little challenging because October is already promising to be so, so much fun and also very busy with my new demo hours (at least I’ve let go of my second job though). OMG. WAIT. I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT HOW I QUIT MY SECOND JOB THIS WEEK.

Long story short again – I walked in on Tuesday, and I told my manager that I won’t be able to work there anymore what with having returned to school full time! I know he was really sad, but he also assured me that whenever I wanted to come back, I could return at any time (which was so, so nice of him). So, tomorrow is my last shift with them for a long while to come. I’m sure I’ll go back one day though! I really liked working with them, and for them.

I kind of don’t want to work tomorrow so that I can get everything in order for this trip (as it’s my last full day before I leave), but also it’s my very last shift so I might as well go and make the most of it. And, at least it won’t be too long!

Well, that’s really about everything for this log. I’m going to try my hardest to write every day while I’m away in the Cayman Islands, so that I don’t forget a single detail of my trip! I definitely want to find time to read my book and also get back to meditating though, gain some clarity and inner peace before I return.

I have a really good feeling about the things to come, when I get back. I don’t know! It’s like this good sense of anticipation. October’s always the best month of the year for me, anyways. It’s going to be good!

Anyways, that’s all for tonight! I’ll write tomorrow, maybe after I’m all done packing, maybe while I’m at the airport! Who knows.

I’m so blessed and humbled to have travelled as much as I have this year. First to Hawaii, then to Las Vegas, and now the Cayman Islands. I can’t believe how lucky I’ve been! Actually, everything I’ve accomplished for myself within this one year alone has been monumental. I can’t wait to go back and reflect about it all at the end of this year. But, there’s still about a hundred days left of this year, and that’s quite a bit! I intend to make each and every single one of them count.

Until my next log!

Love always,

Me.

Day 208, 209, 210, 211 – July 27th – 30th

Hello! So I didn’t get a chance to write at all these past couple days, partially due to the fact that I’ve been pretty busy but also because I’ve been riding on this cloud 9 wave-level of high and I haven’t really felt the urge to write, per se. I’m still in disbelief over what’s occurred, and not a day has passed since Wednesday that I don’t read the messages that I sent and that he sent me. Especially the part where he asked me on a date. It’s right there in front of me, but I still can’t believe it.

I’m so curious to know what he thinks and how he feels. Was it too sudden? Was it totally out of the blue? Despite not saying so, did it kind of trip him out?

But I mean, he replied really, really nicely. He acknowledged both my honesty and bravery, which was sweet.

So, the date is set for this Thursday, and it’s currently Sunday night now. Which means I just have to get through three days before the actual day itself. I have no idea what to wear, and I keep bouncing back and forth between nervous and excited.

Also, I feel impatient.

Because when you know what you want, it’s hard to like… wait? When it seems to be within your grasp, I suppose. But I need the patience. Because we’re only just now going to really get to know one another. I know I’ve waited like half a year to tell him how I feel, but now is where we actually start learning to trust one another, to let one another in. So, that’s going to be a process in itself. I guess what I’m impatient for, is for it to begin. I want to know if he could learn to like me after getting to know all my little quirks and stuff. I want to see if he’ll actually start to let me in now, teach me things about himself that we never got a chance to talk about at work. The curiosity is fueling the impatience, but the knowledge that these things take time is quelling that burning curiosity.

No expectations as to how this is going to turn out, that’s my one thing. I didn’t have any when it came to his response, and I ended up being doubly happy as a result. I did my part, and now I’m going to go back to going with the flow and just, being myself. If he ends up liking me too, well that would be swell. If he doesn’t, well then that’s okay too. Because then I still end up having an amazing person in my life, even if it’s as a friend. We’ll see how things go! I’m honestly excited though, I really am.

Anyways, what did I miss writing about this past weekend?

Let’s see… I spent Friday with Leila and we watched Girl’s Trip (so fucking funny!) and then we also went Pokémon hunting, and had dinner, so Friday was an amazing day. And then Saturday was Cory’s birthday, and it was at a karaoke bar, and that was so, so much fun! All in all, it was an amazing weekend of this summer.

This week, I’ve got a lot to look forward to as well! Tomorrow (Monday), mom and I are going to the Caledon temple for some meditation (that should be a great start to this week), and then Tuesday, the FCL squad is going to Wonderland (that’s me, Leila and Avery) so that’ll be a fun reunion. Wednesday I work at my second job, and then I’ll probably end up spending the rest of the evening figuring out just exactly what I’m going to wear for Thursday, LOL. I can’t wait! And then it’s back to work at my regular job for the rest of the weekend.

Which reminds me – when I see Dylan this Thursday, I’m going to have to find a way to tell him that he nearly got fired this past week. Yikes. That’s going to be an interesting conversation. I know he hates the job and doesn’t really take it too seriously (and neither do I in all honesty), but the only reason I wouldn’t want him to have the job is if he ever voluntarily left it; I don’t want it to be taken away from him over petty department politics, because that would suck. So, I’m just going to give him a simple head’s up and leave it at that.

Anyways, that’s about it for this log! I’m so, so looking forward to everything this week has to offer. It’s going to be a good one, I can feel it! Now, if I could only get myself to stop daydreaming every five minutes about Thursday… sigh. Gah. Life is nuts, isn’t it? But in the best ways possible, if you make it so.

Love, love, love,

Me.