Day 219 to 227 – August 7th to 15th, 2018

Hello!! So I haven’t written in over a week, and it’s been a relatively busy week yes but I also know I’ve been putting off writing. I finally have some time off from work though since I finished early, and now I can finally catch up!

Not too much has happened over the course of the past week though, I must admit. We went to the cottage, and it was absolutely lovely – I’m so glad that Krystal and Chad came too, we all vibed really well together and it ended up being a fantastic time. And oh, how beautiful the stars were at night… we actually saw brilliantly dazzling shooting stars, multiple times! And seeing a part of the Milky Way was absolutely breath-taking too.

The cottage was exactly what I needed – I was able to enjoy the peace, quiet and stillness, I was able to swim as much as I wanted to my hearts’ content, and even smoke as much as I wanted to since my parents are finally actually okay with the idea of weed. Thank goodness it’s getting legalized! They may or may not have tried some themselves… I can’t say for sure, heh.

We even did a chakra cleansing meditation right on the dock! It’s so nice that I’ve attracted people into my life who think and feel about life and the Universe the way that I do, I couldn’t be happier about that!

I’ve also re-enrolled for school and picked out some courses, which actually surprised me LOL! I was shocked that I was able to do so with such ease. But, I did put it out there into the Universe that I wanted to get back into it, full steam ahead, so I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised.

I need to get back into the mode of motivation and get cracking on my book! I feel like one day, I’m just going to sit down and bang it all out and just like that, it’s going to be done. So I’m also kind of waiting for that day. I don’t want to be distracted in any way, shape, or form when I’m in the thicket of it all. I have the skeleton done, I know exactly how I want to organize it as though it came to me in a dream. But the heart of it all… that’s the important part and I want to do it right.

I’ve done everything I said I would though, which is actually a pretty impressive feat for me. I used to be someone who would say I would do something and either start it and never finish or never begin at all. I’ve come far from that person.

Adrian’s dad is leaving to Italy tomorrow for six whole weeks! Which means… well actually, I don’t really know what this means LOL! I’m looking forward to finding out though. I’m sure we’ll be spending some more time together now that he pretty much has the entire place to himself for the next month and a half. More growth to be had, more getting to know one another! I can’t wait.

Well, that’s about all for catching up. I’ve had some realizations myself lately – like for one thing, I need to cultivate gratitude into everything I do and say. In the morning when I wake up, I’m starting to cultivate the habit of thinking of all the things I’m grateful for, big or small, before I even step out of my bed. That’s been helping to start my day off amazingly well, so I’m grateful for that (haha).

I’ve finished reading The Secret, AND I also watched the documentary on it which was INCREDIBLE! It’s absolutely changed everything for me, I now believe all that I believe that much more. And because of that belief, synchronicities have been popping up in my life in a fast and furious rate. I’m beginning to see more and more how easy it is to listen to my intuition when I’m truly in tune with myself, and I’ve been practising the Law of Attraction in small ways in order to learn how to attract the bigger things I want for myself.

For example – I read this excerpt in The Secret about the power of visualization. In the excerpt, this person visualized a very specific feather, right down to the markings and colours. I think a couple weeks later, as he was walking in the streets of wherever he was, he happened to look down – and there was the exact feather he’d visualized!!!

So today, while I was at work, I was thinking about how excited I am for our upcoming trip to England and how I really want a certain chic-looking Fall-ish look while I’m there. And I imagined myself wearing a very specific kind of hat that I’ve always wanted – bowler style, black, with a short upward-curved brim, super hipster looking almost. I visualized that hat and promised myself I’d buy it if I could find it somewhere.

As I was walking back to work, all of a sudden I stopped and decided to head to a store, just out of curiosity to look around. I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for per se, but I never let myself shop on my break so I thought, “eh, why not”.

When I walked in, I was delighted to see that some fall clothing was kind of intermingling with some summer stuff. As I continued to walk through the store, I looked around and poked at some cute sweaters, but nothing really caught my attention. All of a sudden, my attention was directed to a rack of shirts, somewhere close to a corner. And there, perched on the top of the rack as though it were lying in wait for me, WAS THE EXACT HAT THAT I HAD PICTURED IN MY HEAD, RIGHT DOWN TO THE LITTLE DETAILS!

I couldn’t believe it!!!! Smiling in half-incredulity and half-amazement (and most likely looking like a full-on maniac) I walked over to the rack, picked up the hat, and tried it on my head in front of the mirror that was nearby. It was THE HAT! So, I bought it (along with some other cute pieces that fit the whole aesthetic that I’m going for, for this trip and Fall in general).

Anyways, it was such an incredible moment. But it also means that my visualization and thoughts are manifesting a lot quicker than they used to, which means I absolutely must be careful about the things I think about and where I direct my energies in terms of my thoughts. I’m not afraid though! In fact, I’m amazed and I’m grateful that I continuously get to experience this level of magic, now more than ever. I can’t wait to see what else I can bring about for myself – the possibilities are truly infinite!

That’s about it for today! Oh wait – so I have another book idea. But, I need to finish this one first. But that second idea… it’s going to be amazing. And the way that it hit me too… I’ll write about it in my next log, perhaps.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 216, 217, 218 – August 4th, 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello there!

It’s been a fantastic couple of days – Olivia’s in merry olde England, I’ve come to terms with my prior embarrassment from before, spent some time with Adrian, and today was a fantastically productive day!! I got my mark back finally, now that the strike has ended, and it looks like I’ll be able to continue on with my degree after all – I got a B!!! In the one course I needed above all (with the minimum C grade requirement), I ended up acing the very last midterm I did before the strike occurred, and ended up finishing with a B. I’m so thankful and so happy!

Well, I’m fighting to be thankful and happy – there’s such a big part of me that’s so unsure about it all still that it’s a little hard to come to terms with what this means. It means I can actually go on with my degree – something I’ve put on the back-burner for the past 6-7 years of my life.

I want to do this though, I really do. I want to walk across that stage and shake whoever the hell’s hand I’ll be shaking once I finally fucking graduate. I really want this. I have to do this, for me. For me.

And so I will.

I started my book today! Or at least, I’ve begun its skeleton – I mind-mapped and did flow charts until I figured out how I’d like it to be organized, and I’m so excited!!! The process has officially begun. I’m visualizing it in my hands, the finished product. I’m visualizing Heather from “Heather’s Picks” in Indigo shaking my hand and telling me that it’s nice to meet me. I’m visualizing how it’ll feel to see copies of my book all along the featured shelves of the self-help section, and in the main part of the store. And it feels good.

It’s been a good day off. I took some time to read The Secret as well and boy, is it ever inspiring me. It’s helping me to see that the possibilities are quite literally infinite and limitless when it comes to how I want my life to look – I have absolutely no reason to settle for anything less than what I want because it’s all in my power to manifest it all into reality. Life is so incredibly beautiful and I want it to be nothing less than that in every single way possible.

I’m so inspired! I want more vision boards, I want to expand the things I see for myself and visualize them in such vivid detail until I feel every single part of my body reverberating in pure gratitude for what’s sure to come. I believe it with every single cell I am composed of.

I can see it all. I can see my life as I want it to be exactly. I have no idea why I ever thought I’d never be able to achieve what I want for myself. Quite literally, the only thing that’s been stopping me is ME! Well, no more of that. I’m going to be conspiring with the Universe now to bring about everything I want for myself because I’ve seen it happen time and time again and too frequently to know that it’s not possible. I’ve witnessed the magic of this life, the powers that be.

Every single one of my dreams are going to come true! How exciting is that!

Anyways, onto what I’ve missed these past couple days; so Olivia is currently in England living out HER dream that she manifested for herself, and I couldn’t be happier for her. In two weeks as of tomorrow, my mom and I will be joining her in England ourselves, just as I knew we would be! And better yet, we’ll be travelling to Paris for a weekend too! Ah, c’est la belle vie.

I spent this weekend with Adrian, and it was absolutely lovely. I told him something I realized myself shortly before seeing him – I’m no longer embarrassed. How could I be!?! Being embarrassed over what happened would mean that I’m embarrassed about how deeply I care about him – and the truth is, I’m not. This is how I care. This is how deeply I love. I will not make apologies for it, nor will I pretend to be any less than what I am.

He was happy though, and he understood. This past weekend… while we were lying together and he was just gazing at me, he told me that it seems as though my eyes draw in all the light, warmth and positivity from wherever we are and reflect it all back at him. I legit melted, I quite literally said, “oh, my heart.”

He was telling me all the things he liked about me both externally and internally, from the artful display of tattoos across my back to the way that I think and my outlook on life. I could barely make out the words but I honestly couldn’t help but wonder aloud how on earth I’ve gotten so lucky as to meet someone like him.

But it wasn’t completely luck (if that at all!) I asked for this. I manifested this into my life by settling for nothing less than this!

Alycia was recently reading through my logs and asked me some really insightful questions that made me think, regarding Adrian. And I’m going to take note of the answers here because the things I realized through her questions are actually quite important and things I’d like to make note of.

Alycia: “I’m at the part where you are saying how one day, you want to tell him about everything that’s been on your mind, but when is one day? What if that’s too late? What happened to that whole “tell people how you feel because you don’t know what will happen tomorrow”? (Not saying you should tell him, just wondering what your take is on that).”

Me: “I’m wrestling with that on a constant basis! I want so badly just to say it all and not expect anything in return, I want so badly for him to hear it even if I do feel he knows it, BUT – I also think the reason that I’m holding back is because I myself am not truly ready either. It was so easy for me to tell Dylan how I felt about him because the day I knew I wanted to, there were no holds barred. I think I’m waiting for that day. I don’t want any reservations of any kind. I’m going with my gut and I’m waiting for it to give me the green light. I truly believe I’ll know when the moment is and I’m not trying to plan it out (even though sometimes my brain tries to make a timeline).”

Alycia: “I’m reading your second most latest log, and you talk about work and how you realized you put people on a pedestal – do you ever think that you put Adrian on a pedestal? I also understand that you’re really taken aback by you guys’ connection too.”

Me: “That’s a really good question! I definitely see the best in him and it’s so easy to because he’s such a great person. But I also try to see the reality of who he is too – he’s definitely not perfect and I don’t want to “pedestalize” him. And there’s still so much I want to know about him, and what his past entails. So I guess it’s safe to say that I love what I know of him thus far and I’ve fallen so deeply because of all of that good. The challenge will be to love him in spite of the reality of who he is, as I get to know him further.

I’ve always fallen quick and I have no problem with that – I think love is beautiful in every way and no matter the outcome, is never a waste of time. But I do understand there is plenty I need to know in order to fall deeper and build a more solid and lasting kind of love. I’m hoping I’ll get the chance to.

I guess those two questions kind of tie in with each other – I want to tell him how I feel once we’ve had our first fight or once we’ve gone through a real hardship, once we get into some kind of conflict or endure something that changes us both. Because it’s easy to love someone when the sun is shining and your “love hormones” are pumping – if you can love someone when those hormones are replaced by stress and through those tough times, then that’s when you know it’s real. And I want it to be real before I say it out loud to him.”

So there. Man, I fall in love quite easily and hell I know I do. But I also know there’s different types of love, different degrees to love, and I want this to grow. I want to see if it can, past all the beautiful potential I can see in it, in him. I’ve already fallen once on potential alone – I can’t go and base everything on it once again. There has to be more and I’m very much aware of that.

Doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying every single minute and moment I’m given though. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to be holding back or trying to “protect myself” in any way, shape or form. I’m all in! Life’s too short to dip a toe in the water anyways.

Anyways, that’s about all for today.

Oh man, guess what!! This upcoming weekend, I’m going to be going toooooooo.. THE COTTAGE! My all-time favourite place and safe haven. I cannot WAIT! I need the quiet stillness of the lake, the soft cool breeze that rustles gently through the trees and the scent of the purest and freshest air you can possibly imagine.

Just two shifts away! I work the next two days and that’s it, I’m off!

Wow. Who would have thought that August would be such an incredible month eh!? Here’s to living in the moment and making it the best it can possibly be.

Here’s to a life lived in fulfillment of every single shining, beautiful and infinite possibility. I’m about to Law of Attraction the shit out of my life and I hope you do the same for yourself.

Love always and in every single way there is possible,

Me.

Day 209 to 215 – July 28th to August 3rd, 2018

Okaaaaaay so… this “writing once a week” thing is definitely not going to cut it. Want to know the irony that just occurred that pertains to my log before the last one? I ended up having that “break down” that I mused that most people end up having when they don’t take the time to check-in with themselves, LOLLLLL.

I mean, it’s okay and I’m sort of glad that it happened honestly. I had no idea I had so much pent-up energy I was holding within, goodness knows it was about quite a lot more than what it was on the surface.

Ah, but that surface thing. I literally cannot stop cringing at myself. Like I know better, if this happened to someone outside of myself, I’d be telling them to let go and not to beat themselves up over it because it’s a beautiful thing to care as much as they do. You know?

I’m not making any sense. But back to that. It’s amazing how easy it is for me to offer compassion to others, encourage them to offer compassion to themselves. I had no idea that there was still a part of me that had trouble doing that, for myself. Like there’s actual physical pain in my lower stomach right now, like I’m permanently missing a step as I go down the stairs. You know that feeling? It’s usually pretty fleeting and quick until your foot hits the next stair down and you know you’re safe again.

It won’t go away, that swoop-y feeling. The “cringe”. I keep telling myself it’s okay, but every time I open my phone or think about it, it comes right back again. It’ll go away I guess, (I hope), as I go about my day.

It’s really not as bad as I’m making it out to be, I know that. You probably know that too. Nothing is as ever bad as we make it out to be. Our minds… our minds are very, very powerful.

I can’t help how I feel – or at least, I’m making a conscious choice to stew in how I’m feeling right now because I know it denotes to something a little more deeper than just this, a deeper fear that I’ll address afterwards.

But let me explain what’s happened.

Alright so I spent the past two days with Adrian, like we had a really nice time together actually – there was plenty of incredible conversation to be had, and he even watched my favourite rom-com with me which was so, so nice.

Yesterday morning while we were talking outside, we were discussing sky-diving and bungee-jumping and I was telling him about the times I’ve gone bungee-jumping at Wonderland. He was saying how he’d never do anything like that, and I was laughing about how crazy it felt to have to “pull the cord” in order to drop and send myself flying, it was a nerve-wracking feeling but so exhilarating.

And he mentioned how he doesn’t like anything to do with the term “pull the cord”. I was so in the midst of laughing at his reaction to my love of being an adrenaline-junkie, that I hadn’t realized the possible inflection or double meaning behind his words at that time.

But then it hit me.

I didn’t know the details of how exactly his mom passed away, only that she had cancer. In fact, I don’t even know what kind of cancer it was. We don’t talk about it, and I’m too scared to ask for fear of being invasive. As curious as I am and as much as I’d love for him to talk to me about it, I’d rather he do it at his own pace and comfort. I’m in no rush, after all.

But oh my goodness. I felt awful. Like downright nauseous, stomach-churning kind of awful, to think that maybe I’d been insensitive or inconsiderate towards him, even if it was unintentional. I didn’t know what to say. The conversation progressed normally for the rest of the time we spent together and I tried my best to put it out of my mind.

Once I got to work however, it was all I could think about. I kept mentally kicking myself, wondering if he thought the worst of me. By the end of my shift, I had to talk to someone about it and ended up mentioning it to one of my coworkers (whose mom also happened to pass away from cancer).

She immediately gave me a hug and told me to stop beating myself up over it, that we’re only human and these things happen. She advised me to give him a call or talk to him about it the next time I saw him since it was clearly bothering me so much.

So after my shift, I went to sit down outside and I was thoroughly overwhelmed. I felt so bad. I can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to lose a parent, especially at such a young age. I ended up having a full-blown panic attack, hyperventilating and all, right in front of my work place LOL.

Once I calmed down a little after talking to Olivia a little (she magically happened to call at the exact moment I needed), I texted Adrian, asking him if he was free. And he immediately called, such a sweetheart.

I tried my hardest to explain (despite how choked up and sniffly I was) and he kind of went quiet at first. But when he understood what I was saying, he slowly explained that when he’d mentioned that, it was in an offhand way and not at all in the way I’d been thinking.

I assumed, yet again. You’d think with the amount of times I’ve made an ass of myself, I’d have stopped assuming (and reacting accordingly), by now. But nope. Still wearing my ass as a hat, because I keep putting my head up my butt.

(Hahhahahah okay I’ve got to admit, I cracked a smile at that last part ^)

Anyways, his friends ended up coming over in that exact moment and once I heard them in the background, I hastily assured him I was all good and he asked me to message him when I was home from work.

OH THE CRINGE.

I immediately called Olivia and told her to shoot me. Also that I was planning on walking into oncoming traffic, and that when I came back as a ghost, I’d bury myself in a hole so deep that I’d end up on the other side of world, where I could change my identity and wander the world as a mysterious ghost. Yeah, I had it all planned out. I’m still considering it to be honest, it’s a good solid plan.

I messaged him once I got home, and then put my phone in “Do Not Disturb” mode and went straight to bed, hoping a good night’s sleep would help assuage my level of cringe.

But when I woke up this morning, I woke up to texts of him asking me if I was okay. I said I was and apologized for all of it, and changed the subject hoping we’d leave it at that. But him being his incredible self, he didn’t. He texted me:

“I didn’t really get a chance to respond adequately – I’m sorry if my attentions were divided over the phone. I think it’s incredibly sweet that I mean that much to you, that you would be moved to that level. If I at all had problems with anything we talked about, I’d like to think that I’d be able to bring it up and let you know at that moment. It was just a throwaway line – but I’m in awe at your level of interpersonal awareness. I want to thank you deeply for your concern, support and empathy.”

He’s so kind. He even apologized further for possibly sounding brash over the phone, explaining that phone calls like that make him rather nervous and he wasn’t quite sure how to react. He said that hearing the level of passion and respect I had towards him over the phone made him melt a little, and he commended my level of compassion. He also mentioned that moving forward, I shouldn’t shed any tears over him and that 99.9% of the time, it’s never really that serious.

I’m doing my awkward cringe-smile right now as I type all of this, LOL.

I apologized for it all again, and then told him that if I could cringe any harder than I currently was, I’d probably turn inside out.

He’s told me not to be embarrassed, especially when it comes to taking other people’s feelings into consideration the way I did. And I know he’s right. But I can’t bring myself to open up our conversation at this moment, not for now.

I’ve said time and time again that I’m proud and accepting of how deeply I care about people. That I make no apologies for how hard I love the people I love, the depth to which I feel things.

But I’m terrified.

This whole thing made me realize how deeply I do care for him. If it wasn’t evident before, he sure as hell knows now. And that scares me.

I feel like all that old wiring I put to rest is flaring up again, I had no idea it was still there or that it was so deeply routed. The old wiring that’s telling me that I’m going to get hurt if there’s even a slight imbalance to how much I care, if there’s no mutuality or reciprocity to how I feel.

I know better, I really do – I know that pain is nowhere near as bad as we make it out to be in our head, and that fear is so much worse. I know this because I’ve lived it – my deepest fears were brought to life when Nick cheated on me. But in the end, the fear of it was so much worse than the actual thing itself. So I know better. I know better than to fear pain, or to entertain fear at all.

And that was a thing in itself, a whole unique situation with two completely different people – and I say “two completely different people” because I am no longer who I once was when I was in that particular situation.

I tell myself over and over not to live my life through the lens of my past. I can’t define my present moments by the knowledge and experience of my past ones.

So, no – this whole thing really isn’t as bad as I made it out to be. But the fear that it triggered as a result, I’m glad for. I had no idea. But I do now. And now I can fight against it with all of my new wiring. Consequently, I’m grateful for all of this, I really am.

Adrian is… unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Yesterday morning before we got out of bed, he asked to meditate with me, and we focused on our breathing together for a while before we began our day. He’s smart, so smart, and so eager to learn and explore and adventure, both inwards and outwards. And god, the way he looks at me… no one has ever looked at me like that before. I’m scared no one ever will again, if I lose this. If I lose him.

But I have to remember – if I do lose it, then it was never mine to keep. It was never meant to stay. Because everything that’s meant for me, will be for me.

I’m so grateful. I’m so incredibly thankful I got to experience something like this with someone like him, in the short time that I’ve been alive. I’ve never felt more free, or more cared for.

So yeah, it can be hard to care for someone this deeply. It can be scary as fuck. But it can also be beautiful. Full of light, full of laughter, full of freedom. It’s one of the more lovely extents of our human capacity, to care so deeply. If more people did, then maybe the world would be a better place, you know?

I can cringe at myself all I want. But at the end of the day, I’m going to pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off – and then laugh at myself, with myself. Because I can, because I’m lucky to be able to. Because no matter what, I love myself. I love myself as deeply as I can love others, and I’m so blessed to be able to. I love that I love deeply. I love how passionate I really am. I love that I try to come off as someone who has it altogether, when in truth I’m still trying to figure it out as I go along, just like anyone else.

And I guess, in the end, that’s what it really means to be at home in yourself. Even if you feel like you break a plate or two (subjectively, most of the time). You’ve got to be okay with those moments too, because they’re definitely going to happen.

It’s going to be interesting, fighting against the old wiring prompts. “Run”, they’re whispering to me. But I won’t. I couldn’t. I’d never do that to myself. So whisper all you want, Fear. I’m not listening to you.

I’m listening to Love. I’m listening to Me.

Well, all’s well that ends well!

It was a good week. Cory’s birthday was so, so much fun, and Rib Fest was everything I’d hoped for. Work’s been okay, and I had three amazing days off from it to rest and recuperate.

In this past week, I realized something.

It’s time.

It’s time to start compiling my book, time to start putting everything together. It’s time to share what I’ve learnt with the world. And even if it only reaches one person, in the end all that matters is that it reached someone. I haven’t learnt much but… if I can at least help one person to see things differently, then I’ll be happy.

I’ll know when to start, what it’ll entail, how it’ll turn out and what I’ll “end” it off with, as these months progress. But before this year ends, I’m going to have it done. You mark my words.

So here’s to life – messy, beautiful, full of emotion and love and laughter and tears, and everything in between.

And here’s to love. Love without fear, love full of light.

Love always,

Me.

Day 208 – July 27th, 2018

Hi, hi! I actually ended up having some time before work to bang out a quick log (hopefully). I really want to catch up on everything I missed from the last log as soon as I can because I really, REALLY want to address the occurrences of last night because last night was… wonderful.

Okay so, where was I last?

Ah yes, I talked about the Lauryn Hill concert already and briefly talked about how I’ll be travelling again with my mom and Olivia! You know what’s crazy? That psychic I went to see who did the coffee reading for me told me I would be taking a trip with two other “beautiful” women; that it would be rather last minute (yep, me and my mom quite literally JUST booked the ticket) and some time in August but that it would be safe and full of fun. Man is that lady ever good.

So, onto my night out with Radha! It was pretty spontaneous – we drove around downtown for a while before ending up at the Drake, and another place called “Death and Taxes” (which is actually a like from Waking Life!!! No such thing as coincidence). I actually loved the latter – there was a piano in the basement and I was playing “Someone Like You” and the main theme from Beauty and the Beast and everyone who came into the basement (because the washrooms also happened to be located there) would stop and bond with me a little bit over the piano music, which was lovely.

And when I myself went to go use to washroom, someone sat down and started playing “Your Song” by Elton John, which immediately had me shook because I had just downloaded it maybe the day before and had been listening to it recently. And then right after that song, that same person started playing “Let It Be”, and I was even more shook LOL. I knew I was in the right place at the right time, in every way. It was a beautiful moment. I immediately thought of Adrian and his mom, of the beautiful lyrics of that song that he has tattooed over his heart. Truly, there is no such thing as coincidence. I quietly thanked the Universe and went along on my merry way.

It was such a good night! I was so nice to see Radha let loose and have fun; we danced up a storm at the Drake later on in the night, and then ended the night off with – of course – King Slice pizza, mmmm. We met some incredible people and ended up in some seriously thought-provoking conversations and it’s amazing how we attracted the people we did, almost like moths to a flame. And nearly everyone commented on how great our combined energy seemed too!

It was a lot of fun. The next day, Radha commented on how I handled myself with grace in every situation we came across and admired the way I still knew how to have fun and be open to meeting new people despite being with Adrian, and it was nice to be seen through someone else’s eyes that way, you know? But really though, I do think it’s imperative that regardless of your relationship status or whom you’re with, that you know how to have fun and do your own thing and enjoy your own company, no matter where you may be or what you may be doing and I try to embody that in everything I do.

Okay, that’s about it regarding that! Next: hanging out with Bethany and Bianca and getting caught smoking by my mom, LMAO.

So the night started off so great – it was so good to see B&B again; we went grocery shopping altogether to get ingredients to make fresh pizza. We each made our own, and then we went outside onto my patio and engaged in some deep and connecting conversations about life and whatever else. And somewhere along the way, my mom happened to come back downstairs, RIGHT WHEN I WAS LIGHTING UP MY PIPE LMFAO.

So of course, I panicked and the first thing I thought to do was throw the pipe to the side of the patio. But alas, I did not throw it far enough and the smoke hadn’t completely cleared, so not only did she smell it but she also saw the pipe lying off to the side and immediately asked if we had been smoking.

We denied it of course, but I knew she’d seen me throw the pipe so for sure she knew that I had been, if not anyone else.

I managed to put off that conversation for a day or two, and in my head I was preparing for an all-out war. I kept telling myself “I’m not going to let her perspective of me define me anymore”, and “I’m not afraid of her, I’m an adult now and I can make my own conscious decisions”, stuff along those defensive lines. I was ready to go down fighting no matter what it took.

Finally, the day of the conversation arrived and we all decided (Olivia included) to meet at a park after one of my work shifts in order to have the talk. (I personally figured she’d be less likely to yell at me if we were in a public setting, hehe).

I settled down near a tree to read a book (The Secret) while I waited for them. And then I realized.

I couldn’t go into this defensively. I couldn’t go into this ready to fight. If I wanted my mom to understand me, then I had to be willing to understand her. I had to go into this with compassion, with light, with calm and in a non-reactive manner, or else I would be throwing fuel into fire and it wouldn’t end well.

I saw them walking towards me after a while, and I just looked at her. My tiny mom, just a little over five foot, a fierce little lioness with battle scars from all these years of fighting to simply survive. A woman who’d caught her daughter smoking a “drug” that she’d spent a majority of her life believing to be harmful. A mother who, despite being angry, was probably mostly just scared and concerned.

So, we sat down in a patch of grass and I did my utmost best to fight against my own wiring and preconceived notions of her, and calmly apologized for her catching me that way and how it made her feel. I slowly explained that it’s not as bad as she thinks – that weed actually helps with pain, that cancer patients use it, that it’s being legalized in October, and that that wouldn’t be happening if it were truly as bad as everyone thought it was.

Slowly but surely, as I explained everything with patience and compassion without reacting to her initial defensiveness, she slowly began to unwind herself and see the truth in what I was saying. And boy, was I ever surprised.

And that’s the thing – I get so caught up in the way that I perceive people, that I don’t allow them any room to grow!!!! How is that fair?! My inner dialogue or narrative regarding how I categorize people is not factual, not concrete – people are constantly changing, and if you truly give them a chance, they may actually be able to show you that they too are capable of growth. No matter how old or how far into life they may be. No one stops learning, not truly.

It turned into a lovely evening. I’m sure somewhere deep down, my mom is still coming to terms with what she saw and how it relates to her. But now, she understands that it’s not something I need to do or even something I do often, and that it’s not really as bad as she’d originally thought. All because she was actually willing to listen. All she ended up telling me was to not keep it as a habit, and that’s a fair request. I really don’t intend to anyways. I’m sure I’ll look back on my twenties and fondly recall how much of a pothead I used to be. Heck, if I can smoke a joint or two with my kids one day in the future, I’ll be happy. But that’s about the extent of it.

And that’s all I had to catch up on! It’s now Friday and my work weekend has begun, but thankfully it won’t be as bad as the past two weekends of full-time shifts because I was able to take tomorrow off (which I really technically shouldn’t have done but oh well! I got in a little trouble for it but what’s done is done. They even asked me if I could still work tomorrow somehow and I put my foot down and said no, that I have plans all day and I wouldn’t be available. You got to do what you got to do! *shrug*).

Okay so, yesterday.

I’m still a little bit mad at myself but also trying to offer myself compassion because it’s really not as bad as I think, and I know that. And in fact, I’m actually thankful for last night because it showed me truly how much incessant thinking and getting caught up in your head can be such a disease.

BUT, despite that stuff ^ last night really was wonderful.

So Adrian and I ended up hanging out, and we had plans to go for a drink but it was still kind of early so we ended up smoking a little and then swinging in a park for a while.

Before I go on – I keep forgetting that for some reason, I CANNOT hit bongs. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too much at once and that smoking a joint or from a pipe allows me more of a gradual increase that’s more so within my control, but for some reason hitting a bong just… does not bode well with me. I end up focusing so hard on trying to act “normal” and hold it altogether, that I end up getting so in my head and so distant from the present moment. It almost felt like I was so lost inside myself that I was on autopilot and struggling to get back to the pilots chair, where I usually reside. I hated that feeling so much, LOL.

But I think I held myself well for the most part… I hope. We ended up in some seriously deep conversations about the law of attraction and the nature of free will, which I loved loved loved. He’s so open to discussion, so open to learning new things but also so open to explaining his own perspectives to me. He believes in almost a “law of adaptation” along with the law of attraction – that your surroundings inevitably shape who you are or become and that’s where like attracts like. We had differing perspectives, but I liked that we made it a point to appreciate and understand where the other was coming from with their own viewpoints.

I ended up telling him about my thoughts on free will (or lack thereof) – my whole theory that everything is pre-determined and written in the stars, and that the reason that we suffer so much is because we refuse to believe that our destinies are already made for us. We don’t want to give up our “power”, our idea of control, because it’s almost as though it’s the only thing we’ve got going for us, this idea of “free will”. The power to make a choice and shape our own destinies. But, my theory is that our destinies are luminous, powerful, incredible, exactly as they are meant to be. My theory is that we are made of stars and stardust ourselves – and the minute that we choose to surrender our idea of control and give into the idea that we are exactly where we are meant to be at all times and that there’s no such thing as a “right or wrong” decision, only choices that leads us where we’re meant to go, that we can find so much more peace than constantly struggling to make the “right” choices for ourselves. We only have this one life to live – why not give in to the idea that everything will end up exactly as its meant to, one way or another, and live your life in peace knowing that you are exactly where you’re meant to be in your life at all times? Listen to your SELF, the part of you that is of the Universe and from the Universe, your “intuition” if you will – and that calling, that inner voice, will guide you to that destiny that was meant for you. When we struggle, when we try to enforce the idea that we are the sole masters of our destinies, then we forsake the Universe and the beauty of what could be. We have to conspire alongside it, work together with it (because WE ARE IT) in order to be at peace and ultimately fulfill our Personal Legend.

…something like that, anyways LOL.

I love that he’s willing to listen to my little diatribes about the Universe. And more than that, he says I have a beautiful mind and he enjoys what I share with him. He recalled something I talked about from our very first coffee date, when I talked about the middle way and flowing down the middle of “the stream” without hitting either side of the river banks (attachments) in perfect detail, and I was so touched and impressed. He remembered!!! Ahhhhh.

After the park, we ended up going for Malaysian food because he knew I hadn’t tried it before, and oh… ma… goodness. It was fucking AH-MAZING. Like so fucking good. Their roti is better than ours, no word of a lie. It was buttery and soft with a slight bit of warm sweetness that deliciously offset the light and frothy saltiness of the coconut curry and fried rice. Mmm.

And after dinner, we went to a bar to grab some drinks and some of his friends ended up meeting us there so it turned into a really fun night! Only, this was the point that I feel I was in my head the most and struggling as hard as humanly possible to come off as “normal” and not super fucking stoned, LMAO. So I feel like I was a lot quieter than I normally am, and that I wasn’t altogether there. I’m not sure if I ended up coming off that way because I really was trying hard to be myself, but really I was struggling so much heh. Still, I hope I made an okay impression.

When his friends went off to go smoke, he all of a sudden looked at me kind of nervously and was like, “So… New Orleans.”

And I was like, “Yeah?”

And he was like, “That’s happening right? Like… you don’t mind if I come along with you?”

SO CUTE. I immediately was like, “of course! Like I said, I would love the company!” and I asked him if he’d be okay with early October, and he was like he’d be happy with leaving tomorrow if we could. Awwwww. I’m SO EXCITED! I can’t wait to start planning that out him, I’m so glad that he wants to come along with me and experience that with me! He’s already making cute little plans, like how we’ll find little jazz bars to go dance at and amazing places to go eat. Sigh.

Here’s the part that I got mad at myself for though. (I’m getting better though! It’s okay self, it’s okay.)

When we were on our way home from the bar, we were talking about food and new experiences and I was telling him how I much I enjoyed sharing the things I like with the people I like.

And he was like, “well I’m glad that you like me”, and I was happily like, “I doooooo”.

AND THEN. He was like, “Actually, I like you a lot. And I’m not afraid to admit that.”

EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD SHUT DOWN. Like, literally everything. I actually froze. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I couldn’t even look at him!! I literally just stared out the window and timidly whispered that I like him a lot too.

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?

That’s literally exactly what I’ve been hoping to hear, exactly the kind of moment I was waiting for so that I could tell him how deeply I feel for him too!!! So why did I shut down like that!? Why was I so in my head!?!? I feel like I couldn’t react the way I wanted to – I was so far away inside my own head, trying to run back to the control panel that I was literally just mechanically reacting, but that’s not what I wanted!!!

I wanted to be able to look at him, like really look at him and connect with him and tell him how much I like him too, which is so much!!!! That these past couple months have been some of the funnest and best in my life and that he’s a huge part of that. That I’ve been so at peace and so content and so simply happy, more than I could have ever possibly imagined. But instead, I squeaked out his own words back at him.

I know that everything happens for a reason and happens exactly as it’s meant to, and that this was no exception. For some inexplicable reason that I’m obviously having trouble understanding, I was meant to shut down and respond the way I did. I have no idea why, but I also can’t change the past now that it’s happened the way it has. 

All I can do is do my best to commit as hard as I can to being present in the next moments I’m given with him. I HAVE TO BE PRESENT! I don’t ever, ever want to be as in my head as I was in that beautiful moment, oh how beautiful and lovely it was. I felt so far away from it when all I wanted was to be in it.

I bolded that paragraph above because that’s the truth in the matter and I have no reason to be attached to what’s past or what’s to come. But oh man. I swear, the next moment I’m given or if I can take a moment to myself, I promise to not hold back. I don’t want to when it comes to this, I promised myself from the start that I wouldn’t because it feels so right and it still does, more so than ever.

Also, no more hitting bongs LMAO. I’m just going to stick to my simple little pipe or rolling a j.

I don’t get stuck in my head. These things happen, but then I let go on move on, always moving forward.

Well, that’s about it! I’ll be seeing him tomorrow for Ribfest (RIBFESSTTTTT AHHHHHH!) for a couple hours before I head off to Cory’s birthday in downtown (CAN’T WAIT! Everyone’s coming so it’s going to be a good night). Maybe tomorrow I’ll get a chance to tell him that I really like him a lot too, and that I didn’t just say it because he said it first.

Okay, until next time!!!

Love always,

Me.

Day 199 to 207 – July 18th to 26th, 2018

Hello there! So it’s been a week since I’ve written last and while I feel like not a lot has happened in the past week due to how quickly it’s flown by, now that I think about it quite a bit has happened that I’ve got to write about! Not to mention, the fact that I haven’t written in a week was slowly starting to give me pangs of anxiety since I didn’t really have an outlet to express and connect with myself about the things I’ve been experiencing.

I feel like in order not to forget about all the things I’d like to touch upon in this sure-to-be long-ass log, I’m going to list them briefly first so that I can go back as I please. Okay, let’s see… the Lauryn Hill concert with Adrian, the fact that my mom and I are going to be visiting Olivia in England and then going with her to Paris (HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS), the wild night out with Radha after work, chilling with Bethany and Bianca after five consecutive full-time shifts and then getting caught smoking weed by my mother (yup, that happened). Am I missing anything? Probably. But I’m sure it’ll come to me as I touch upon all these things. Ah yes, I would like to do a self check-in as well to see how I’m doing and how things are going. That should probably come first, now that I think about it. Always start from within after all, right?

So, how have I been?

Hm. Well, I can’t believe how quickly this summer has been flying by really. But I mean, everything has been so much fun and I truly believe that I’m making the most of it, so I’m not complaining. Time is time and it does what it does.

Strangely enough, what’s been kind of worrying me or stressing me out the most is work, lately. I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with the company I work for – I’m so thankful for the hours and grateful for the fact that I have indeed grown as a person since I’ve begun working as an ambassador. In fact, in regards to a recent event we just held, I sold the most and I’m truly thankful for the opportunity to have done so; it felt good to prove myself.

But. These hours. I just feel like I had so much more time to myself last summer, you know? Not that these hours are really taking away from my summer as much as I’m implying they are – like I said, I really do feel like I’m making the most of it and I’m not quite sure what I’d be doing with my time if I had more of it, per se.

It’s just that, I had more time to my self, last summer. More time to build, to grow, to introspect and do whatever I felt I needed to do in order to progress. I don’t think I’m feeling stagnant again, no. But I also don’t feel like I’m making those great leaps and bounds I was making last year, either.

I suppose, in that vein, that growth doesn’t necessarily need to occur in “great leaps and bounds”.

Anyways, I tried to put my foot down and request as much time off as possible for next month in order to really have more time to myself as summer comes to a close, but even that was challenged. Since Sharon and I are the two main ambassadors that Maria can rely on, she’s reluctant to give anyone else more hours unless either of us are there to make sure we’re driving sales, which isn’t particularly fair to either of us. If Sharon takes time off, I’m “not allowed” to. If I take time off, then Sharon gets shafted and has to work the days that I’m not there.

I get that it’s a very numbers-driven company, very successful in its work ethic. I’m happy with the job, and I enjoy what I do. But I also know that there are more important things in life than just “numbers”. I’m also only twenty-five, and as good and reliable as I can be at that job, I didn’t sign up for full-time hours.

That being said, I think my conflict with this mentality arises from the fact that I also somewhat feel obligated to Maria because she got me this job and because of how much I know she relies on me. It’s almost as though I don’t want to disappoint her or have her see me differently, or make her feel as though I’m asking for too much.

^ As soon as I typed those words, I saw the problem with each thing I said.

One – I’m doing that thing again that I always do; I’m “pedestalizing” Maria. I put people in my life on pedestals and somehow work into my mind that I need to either impress or do my best for these people when really, they’re all just… people. As much as I respect her, she’s got to respect me too. She may be my “boss” but she’s also only human. I don’t deserve any less than what I do.

Two – I can’t control how other people see me, what they think of me, or how they react to me. I can only control my own inner state and my own reactions. So if I do anything that she perceives as “disappointing” even when it really wasn’t, that’s not on me. As long as I’m doing everything I can with the best of my intentions (which I usually am) that’s all that really matters.

Three – asking for some time off for myself in the deadest part of the season is not “asking for too much”. I’m a loyal, hard-working person, I do my best when I’m there, and when she needs me, I always do my best to be there for her no matter what. I drive sales just as much as anybody else, I’m punctual for the most part and especially where it counts, and I genuinely care about what I do. So asking for a weekend off and a week to go travel with my family out of a whole month, that’s not asking for too much. So, no more guilt on that part.

Okay, I feel a whole lot better about that. I don’t owe anyone anything the same way they don’t owe me anything as well. If I want something, I have to ask for it. And if they need something from me, they also have to ask and not just expect it from me. And just as I have every right to say no if I want to, I suppose they do too. It’s just a matter of how I choose to react accordingly (and vice versa) that determines the rest of it.

And one last point to drive the whole thing home and put this whole thing to rest – this entire summer has been working out for the most amazing best that it can, regardless of how much work I’ve been doing! I’m not overly exhausted, I have money to spend where I need, and sure I’d like more time to myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t have time to spend at all, you know? I always say that life is matter of what you choose to focus on, so what am I focusing on here? I’d rather be grateful for what I’ve got and ask for what I can, rather than focus on what I don’t have.

Nothing is ever really as bad as it seems, and I need to remember that. Everything always works out for the best, no matter what that entails. I have to trust the process and have faith in every single aspect that my life incorporates. Whatever is meant to be, will be, so there’s no point in attaching expectation to outcome. Just, let it be.

Phew. Man that was really bothering me LMAO. At least I was willing to admit it though. I’m constantly learning and re-learning and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Plus, I was clearly in dire need of some venting in that regard, and who better than me to me, right?

Anyways, other than that! How have I been doing as a whole, mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, psychologically and, just for the heck of it, a weird fact I’ve recently learnt?

As a whole – fan-fucking-tastic! Forever smiling everywhere I go, happy as always, and for the most part just at peace. Learning to be present as much as I humanly can, and it’s been working. I’m much more aware of my thoughts than I ever have been, which is a great start.

Mentally – was a little worried about the whole work thing (evidently), slightly worried about the school thing (another thing for me to touch on later in this log). But overall, I’ve been pretty good mentally! I’m making it a point to be as aware of my thoughts and the things I think as much as I can because I’ve recently began reading “The Secret” and I’m understanding more than ever the power that our thoughts have and how important it is to cultivate a steady stream of positive thinking.

Spiritually – I guess I’m just trying to practice what I preach in this sense in everything I do, you know? It’s tough sometimes because I get so caught up in the mundane surface aspects of reality (since that’s where we currently reside). But I really do try to keep up with my meditation, the moments of stillness, conscious breathing, focusing on gratitude and humility at all times. I also think a new challenge for me regarding this aspect is allowing people to surprise me – I never realized how attached I was to my viewpoints of the people in my life and how limiting and unfair it is to maintain those viewpoints so rigidly. If I was able to grow and transform as I have in the past year and a half of my life, why shouldn’t others be able to do the same?

Physically – well, I’ve been eating a bit more conscientiously and I really have done so well with cutting out excessive amounts of sugar and eradicating white sugar as whole from my diet, so I’m fairly happy about that! I’ve felt a lot better over the course of this month, but I think I’d like to start incorporating more of a healthy-active lifestyle as well, not just eating-wise. I genuinely miss working out and the endorphin rush that followed after a good exercise session! I think this is a part of where missing time to my self is stemming from as well. But really, if anything this just goes to show that I could improve on my time management skills – it’s not like I don’t have the time, I just don’t budget my time wisely. Hm.

Emotionally – LMAO, I just paused and breathed for a second and a massive smile just unfurled on my face, I’m such a loony. Honestly, my emotional state could not be better. And yes it’s partially due to external factors, but I also think it’s in part due to the fact that I’m so much more in tune with myself and my thoughts that it’s become easier to maintain and acknowledge the things I feel without becoming attached to them. I remember the days that my thoughts used to set off wildfires of raging emotions I could neither comprehend or control, or the days when I attached so much more significance to my emotions than actually necessary. Now I know that emotion is just as fleeting (if not more so) than thought, and the only thing that really matters is… peace. Untouchable, unshakable peace; the stillness and quiet of the sea beneath the turbulence and come-and-go nature of the waves. You can’t undo a reaction or action once it’s been done, you can’t unsay something once it’s been said, and a lot of these things happen based on the importance we place upon our thoughts and feelings. If instead we took a moment to watch or sit inside our thoughts and feelings rather than letting them drag us off to where they will, we’d be able to see them for what they are, which is temporary. So why create potentially lasting damage or cause pain based on a temporary thought or fleeting emotion, right? Wow, did I ever go off in this particular section LOL. Oh well! Some food for thought I suppose.

Psychologically – funny, I haven’t really asked myself about this one in a while, or ever really. I had Nadia to kind of bounce this particular aspect off of, but now that I won’t be seeing her for a while (or possible ever again) I definitely have to make it my personal responsibility to make sure I am continuously re-wiring old thought processes or old reactionary habits when they come up as I experience whatever I do in my life as time goes on. Which I believe I have been doing – I can touch upon this in further detail once I talk about how my mom found out I smoke weed, her reaction, and my consequent reaction as a result and what I went through.

And lastly, a weird fact that I’ve recently learnt – did you know that if you add too much almond extract in baking that it creates an adverse effect that resonates bitterly on the tongue? I only know this because Olivia recently binge-watched an entire season of a baking competition show called “Sugar Rush” and she happened to mention that to me, heh. I thought it was cool. :3

I feel like people need to do this more often, like check-in with themselves. Like you know how you don’t see an old friend for a while and the first thing you do when you see them is ask how they’ve been doing in every aspect of their lives? I don’t think people ever take the time to ask themselves how they’ve been doing and then by the time they’re in the midst of a break-down wondering how that could have possibly happened, it’s already too late. Not that there’s anything wrong with breaking down, of course! Sometimes it’s actually necessary and quite therapeutic. I’m just saying, it helps to check-in with yourself from time to time the way you would someone you care about, because YOU should be someone you care about… ya dig?

Wow, I feel amazing. I honestly did not realize how badly I needed to do this or how happy I make myself by simply just asking me how I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve missed me, does that make sense!?!? Omg. I miss going to dinner with myself, or taking myself out to a movie. I can almost feel a tiny little mini-me in my head shaking a fist at me like “HELLO, WHAT ABOUT ME (AKA YOU)?!?” Seriously though, it’s been a good and long while since I did anything for myself. I think I’m going to make it a priority that on my next day off, I’m taking myself out for dinner or a nice long walk down Harbourfront or a meditation day by the water or something. I am in some dire need of me-time. Sorry me!!!! I didn’t mean to neglect you, I love you buddy!

(Tiny mini-me @ me: *shakes head begrudgingly but is also smiling* it’s okay, I love you too!)

(LOL at how the mini-me in my head reminds me of “little man”… I’m imagining her sitting on the edge of my cup. Why am I like this!?!?! LOOOOOOOOL).

ANYWAYS. This has been a great start to my log thus far. As always, I’m glad I put myself first. As they say on planes – put your oxygen mask on first before attending to anyone else.

So, back to what I’ve missed in the past week.

The Lauryn Hill concert was so, so much fun!!!! I’m so glad that as much as Adrian and I enjoy spending time with one another doing absolutely nothing, we also make a point of getting out and doing things with one another that we also both enjoy doing. And he was so incredibly sweet during the concert – he held me close in front of him with an arm wrapped around my shoulders so that I could see, and then when she sang her rendition of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”, he was singing along to the lyrics in my ear. And afterwards, he was like “you’re just too good to be true”. *swoon*. I also can’t believe I got to see Santigold (whose songs were very frequently on Gossip Girl) and Busta Rhymes (hella epic). Afterwards, he and I and his best friend and his girl (it was a double date kind of thing) went to Owl of Minerva based on my suggestion and everyone loved it, which made me happy.

I love that we’re so appreciative of each other in so many different ways, and that we express this gratitude to one another. There’s no shortage of “thank you for being you” or “I love spending time with you” when we see each other, no matter what we may be doing.

We recently hung out and I crashed at his place, and we were talking about ourselves and our pasts. I mentioned that I’m a lot more at home in myself than I ever have been, and he said he’s noticed and attributes that as to why he’s so attracted to me (oh, the butterflies I got when he said this). I then in turn asked him if he’s at home in himself, and he paused for a moment to reflect before replying that he’s working on it. Which I love – I love that he’s so open with the fact that he’s working on himself, working on his growth and so open to learning about himself and whatever else he can.

And a couple days prior, he had yet another wedding to go to (once again his ex happened to be in attendance), and he ended up asking me to accompany him to the next shin-dig, which I’d be more than happy to do! I like that our relationship (which is happily free of time-frames and labels) is progressing naturally and easily. And that’s exactly what it is… easy. It just feels right.

Anyways, I’ve got some stuff to do and this log ended up turning out to be a lot longer than expected. While I’d love to continue, there are some obligations I promised I’d fulfill… such as finding a cheap flight from London to Paris, and comparing prices on places to stay!!!

I cannot, cannot fucking believe I’m going to London and Paris. ENGLAND AND FRANCE BABY! Two more magnificent and spectacular countries to add to my growing list of places I’ve travelled to. I CAN’T WAIT! I can hardly believe it. But in less than a month, I’ll be wandering through the streets of Paris with the Eiffel Tower twinkling romantically in the background… oh what a life.

I’m thankful. Truly.

With love, always,

Me.

 

Day 190 to 198 – July 9th to 17th, 2018

Hello there! So it’s been a whirlwind of a past week, but in all the best kinds of ways for sure. I can definitely say without doubt that I am making the most of this summer and that makes me so happy.

So this past week – it was packed to the brim with full-time hours and as bad as it felt in those moments where my 8 hour shifts felt extra-drawn out, I managed to make it through. Which just goes to show that nothing is ever as bad as it seems to be, regardless of how it may seem in the moment.

And another thing – I don’t want to live my life on “fast forward”. I find that when I’m in moments I don’t want to be in, I’m constantly trying to figure out how to make time pass by as fast as possible, constantly waiting for the next moment, wondering when it’s been enough time to check what time it is. I don’t want to do this, because then when it comes to the moments I’ve been really waiting for, they feel like they’re on fast forward too, no matter how present I try to be in them.

I have to learn to accept every moment as it is, for what it is. I have to learn how to become comfortable with my discomfort.

Anyways, these past couple days have more than made up for the past five days of full time shifts. These past couple days have been… above and beyond anything I could have possibly imagined for myself. I’m so incredibly happy, so content and so luminously at peace. At the same time, I feel so much emotion – good emotion, the kind of purity that you can’t help but feel in every corner of your heart.

In the midst of all my shifts this past week, Adrian happened to message and asked me if I was free Monday and Tuesday because he finished work really early and started work late in the evening the next day, and proposed we go to a beach. By some happenstance, I happened to be off both Monday and Tuesday as well so I told him that that worked out for me quite well. In reply, he asked me if I would be down to spend the night in the area, rent out a bed and breakfast.

LOOOL me through text: “that sounds absolutely lovely”. Me in person: *runs around in happy dancing laps throughout my department, jumping the whole way*

This was our first little getaway trip, a little trial-run if you will. Yeah, I’ve spent weekends over at his and vice versa. But this would be the first time that we spent the night together somewhere other than in each others’ homes, and I was so, so incredibly excited that he asked.

A little bit of an update on my feelings before I dive into these past couple days: I am head over heels, and over again if that’s possible. Last week when we spent some time with one another after I got back from that cottage weekend with my cousins, I got a moment to ask him some questions that I’d been meaning to ask him for quite some time. And when I apologized for coming off as invasive (if I did), he was more than understanding – in fact, he insisted that I ask what ever I want, as we’re still getting to know one another. In turn, I told him he’s more than welcome to ask me whatever he’d like as well, and that I’m an open book.

That same day while we were lying together in his bed, he was telling me how he’d like to have me over for a night where he does all the cooking, and we play my favourite music, a night where I don’t lift a finger at all. And all I remember is staring at him, blinking, before snapping back to reality and telling him how lovely that sounded.

How do I tell him that I’ve never been treated this way before? That I’ve never felt this adored, or cared for? That in all my years of seriously dating, after two long-term relationships over the span of six years, that this is the first time I’ve ever felt this special even though we’re only a couple months into seeing one another?

I know I’ll find a moment to, when I’m meant to. But it’s moments like these that have me falling deeper and deeper.

And these past two days… absolute magic. The kind of magic I felt whilst sitting across from him in that coffee shop on the date that began it all. It’s been magic from start to present.

I spent the night before making tuna sandwiches for the road, and I even bought guacamole ingredients so that I could throw something together at night if we got hungry. I usually hate avocados but the guacamole that my sister and Daniella have made lately has me sold on it, to the point that I’ve been craving it myself lately.

And he was so happy about these little things! He said I’m the “most wonderful person in the world”, which warmed my heart.

On the way there, he played the whole Lumineers album because he knows it’s my favourite. And even though he doesn’t like the sound of Dallas Green’s voice of City & Colour, he still played my ultimate favourite road trip song, “Runaway”.

When we got there, both of our breaths were taken away. The view of the lake from our cozy little loft was absolutely stunning. You could easily see the contrast in the blue of the water versus the blue of the sky. And oh my goodness, our cozy little place – it was above a refurbished garage, almost like a guest house in the back of a cottage, and it was so quaint and wood-paneled and it reminded me so much of Elizabeth’s cottage.

Even the littlest of details were so me – there was a cute little comfy nook with a shelf of books for reading, my favourite tea was tucked away into one of the cabinets, there was even a sketchpad and oil pastels in a drawer right next to the window with the prettiest view. I loved it so much, the pictures definitely didn’t do this place justice.

And even though it rained, we made the most of it. Honestly, I think even if it didn’t rain, I don’t think we would have gotten very far LOL. I know we’re still kind of in that place where we can’t get enough of one another, and I’m totally okay with that. It’s enthralling and chemical and I can feel tingles right down to the tips of fingers and toes when  I think about how he makes me feel.

We really did make the most of it though – I put on music, and we cut the ingredients of the guacamole together while I danced around, and every couple moments he’d lean over to press a kiss against the side of my head or on my shoulder or cheek, just the way I pictured it’d be. We smoked up and had some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life about absolutely every thing. About life, about attachment, about being present, about being non-reactive, even what it’d be like if every single drug in the world became legalized. I like that he can make me see things in different perspectives, our little “debates”. We make each other think, which I love.

Another thing I love – he’s so like me in his appreciation for the beauty in life. There was a moment I was just puttering around the loft and he was just about to go outside for a bit, when he called me down and told me to come join him real quick. And when I did, it turns out it was because he wanted to show me how beautiful the sun looked setting over the lake. It was… stunning. Everything was lit with this beautiful iridescent rose-gold hue from the sliver of sunset that wasn’t covered by clouds.

There was this moment where we were lying together in bed, and we made eye contact and we were just smiling contentedly at each other. And all of a sudden, the moment changed. Maybe it was just me. But all of a sudden, there was this rush of emotion in my throat, and I had to look away. It felt like I had so much to say but I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel like it was time, yet.

And when we finally fell asleep, there’d be moments where I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he’d be lying there oh so comfortably against my shoulder, holding me close.

In those moments, I don’t know if he could feel it or not, but I’d kiss his cheek or forehead and all I could do was hope that he felt how deeply I’ve grown to care about him. After all, that place in between being asleep and being awake… 

The next day (today) was equally as lovely. Waking up together is definitely one of my favourite things in the world. His sleepy smile once he feels me close to him, the way he wraps his arms and legs around me so we’re perfectly entwined. How good it feels to be so close to him.

Since we had time, he made me tea and then we cuddled together in the cozy little reading nook next to the window with the beautiful view. And then I asked him if he’d like to meditate with me.

I played us a guided meditation that I’d recorded a while back, a meditation about letting go of old emotions, thoughts, judgments and much more, as well as being in the present moment.

It was incredible. At first, I was so excited to be meditating with him that all I could think about was how the words sounded to him. But then after awhile, I settled into the meditation, and soon it felt like I was so far away from where I was. There with him, but also far away. It was so peaceful, so still.

Once it ended, he slowly opened his eyes and he looked… just, illuminated. We sat and talked about it for a while, and he was so incredibly relaxed and content. We talked about the power of meditation, how it’s helped me with my anxiety, how it helps with life in general. He mentioned that he’d let himself go into it so well that he’d felt light-headed and a tingling in his arms even.

And this is what led us into our amazing conversation about the nature of being reactive, of letting go and being patient with others. He talked about his own mind frame regarding those things, and even now after these past couple months I’m still so blown away by how alike our outlooks are and how similarly we see things. He’s so positive, just like me. And he’s so into being introspective and trying to grow as a person, which is so incredibly amazing and makes me so happy to hear.

And once again, that moment happened. That moment where he was just regarding me, smiling quietly, and I had to look away once more due to the rush of emotion I felt. This time he caught it though, and all I could simply say was that I was happy. He even mentioned how it looked like I was about to cry, but I didn’t address that and changed the topic instead. Because…

I wanted to tell him how deeply I’ve fallen for him from the moment we’ve met, and every moment since. I wanted to tell him that maybe only a year ago, if anyone would have told me it was possible to be this happy, to be this revered and adored and cared for, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me that he was so open to the things that have become so important to me and my self-growth – the fact that he was willing to listen to me without judgment when I talked about chakras, or even the simple act of meditating with me. It meant more to me than I could convey.

And all the little things he did – like insisting he wash all the dishes since I’m the one who brought and prepared our food, or how he cleaned the entire loft right down to folding my clothes into a neat little pile at the foot of our bed while I was showering even though I had insisted that I wanted to help with the clean-up.

He’s amazing. And I wanted to tell him all of that. How much I appreciate him. How deeply I feel towards him. But my gut wouldn’t let me. I think that moment is coming, and I’ll know it when it does. For now, we have this. We have these unspoken moments where we look at each other and everything just clicks, and I know he feels exactly the same way that I do without either of us having to say anything to one another.

Once we checked out, he ended up driving me all the way home, and since we still had time before he had to leave to work, we got some Caribbean take-out food and ate it together at my home before he had to go. And it’s funny – despite all that time spent together, I still felt sad when he had to go, as though it wasn’t enough. I honestly love his company. Even the moments where we’re quietly doing our own thing – like when I’d be reading in my own space, and he’d be making himself coffee off in the kitchen. We vibe well together in so many different capacities.

We talked a little bit about my travels, and he casually asked me when I was planning on going to New Orleans. Once I told him the dates I was thinking in early October, he asked me if I was planning on going on my own and I said I might. And then he said that he just might “high-jack” my trip and tag along!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, ever since I’ve mentioned that flight deal to him, I’ve been hoping I’d get some kind of chance to ask him if he’d like to come with me. But of course, the universe was one step ahead of me. I lightly said that was absolutely okay with me and that I’d love the company, even though on the inside my heart was doing triumphant cartwheels all around the inside of my chest.

Once he left, he texted me later on and this conversation had me tearing up all over again (why am I so goddamn emotional these days!?!?!) He was like: “So… I lied. I told you when I started work, I’d take a second to stop thinking about the past couple days to look at Amazon stuff. I haven’t been on Amazon yet, and my mind hasn’t been on anything BUT the past couple days. So, I’m a liar. :)”

And I replied: “These past couple days… have been literally just as magical as those moments I sat next to you in St. Lawrence Market. You know, that moment when I simply told you “I’m happy” it was full of emotion because honestly, I’ve never been treated this way – the way you look at me, those little considerate things you do, how special you make me feel… that’s why I thank you for being you. You’re truly amazing, you really are.”

And here’s what got me, in his reply: “A first impression is wonderful, but consistency is key. So I’m very happy to hear that you feel the magic too. I do remember – I want to make you feel warm, like an internal hug, you know? I want you – around me – to feel like cinnamon buns and mangoes. That first sip of tea when the wind hurts your face, that first spoonful of chili in the dead of winter. While I can’t promise that all the time, I will promise that nothing makes me happier than seeing you wrapped up in a freshly dried towel, or the smile on your face when you came out of the shower to see a clean room.”

Cinnamon buns and mangoes. We’ve both talked about how nothing compares to the first bite of a fresh and juicy mango on a hot summer day, or the warm scent of cinnamon in the midst of a crisp winter. The feeling that these experiences evoke.

One time when I was at his house and I had to shower, he threw a towel into the drier solely so that when I came out of the shower, I’d have a freshly warm towel to wrap myself into once I was all done.

It’s these little things that have me feeling the way that I feel.

One day, I’m going to tell him all of these things. One day, I’m going to tell him how I feel. The moment I knew I would fall harder than I ever have, the moment I knew I could, and the moment I knew I did. One day, I’m going to tell him that this is the most connected I’ve ever felt to anyone to the point that if he were to walk away from me, I would not ask him to stay. Because the depth of how I feel about him is not based on attachment, and the beauty of all the ways he’s made me feel in such a short time is more than I ever could have possibly imagined. Every moment he has given me, every moment of peace, contentment and happiness is more than enough. More than I’ve dreamed. 

Goodness, am I ever in love LOL. I think this may be the first time I’m saying it to myself. And I know, that in time and the more that we get to know each other, the depth of that love is only going to grow.

It scares me to my core to type these words. I’ve been refusing to acknowledge them, pretending they don’t exist, because I’ve been so afraid of attaching any labels to what this is. I love how beautifully it’s grown in its freedom, you know? Free of being boxed into a label, free of attachment, free of societal expectations or time frames.

But my deeper self knows it’s okay to say those words. I’m not afraid. No matter what happens. I want to fall in love with every experience I’m given in this life whole-heartedly, every person I come across that I’m meant to meet in this life. I want to operate from a vibration of Love in everything I do or say, no matter whom or what its towards.

This isn’t love from attachment, it’s love from gratitude and appreciation for who he is as a person and everything he’s shown me thus far. It’s love for the deeper wounds that I can see from afar, love for the growth he’s eager to acquire. Love for the little things, love for the freedom of it all, for the stillness and the peace I get from being around him. Love for the way he looks at me like he’s never quite seen anyone like me before. Love for how easy it is to be around him, to be with him, to laugh with him.

And that’s why I’m not really afraid. Because when it’s not love based on attachment, it doesn’t matter whether or not it comes or goes. I’m not trying to hold onto it, but I’m trying to be in it with all that I have for its beauty and nothing more than that. You don’t need to pick a flower and “keep it” in order to appreciate its beauty, after all. You can just see it for what it is, appreciate it, and allow it to grow further in its freedom to do so.

When you stop fearing pain, when you’re sound in yourself and in your own self-love, it’s easy to love everyone else in your life. You stop fearing the “what if’s”, you stop fearing all the outcomes based on attachment. And your love only grows. Rooted firmly in compassion and trust and honesty and communication. Full of light.

So, here I am. In this present moment, completely head over heels for an incredibly beautiful soul that I’m so lucky to have met. And I’m more than happy to let it be just that, exactly as it is. I don’t need to say it, because I know I display it in every thing I do, say, the way I kiss him and in the way I look at him. When the words are meant to be said, the universe will call their vibration into play. I’ll know when.

He’s perfect. For everything he is, for who he is. He’s more than I could have dreamed, and I am so, so incredibly thankful to the Universe with every fiber of my being.

I promise to be filled with light, with frivolity and happiness and fun and laughter, when it comes to this. I promise to allow every moment to be exactly as it is meant to be, no fear. I promise to be there for him in every and any way that I can be, so that we can elevate our vibrations together as we see fit. To learn as much as I can teach.

So much beauty to this life, there really is.

Anyhow, that summarizes everything I’ve experienced, everything I think and feel as of late! Tomorrow, we’re going to the Lauryn Hill concert that he asked me to go to with him sometime in early May. At that time, this day seemed so far away, but here we are.

We might potentially have found someone to take over some of my shifts and join the team temporarily!!! She’s starting tomorrow, so fingers crossed that she ends up being a good addition to the team.

I have so much faith now, more than I’ve ever had at any point in time in my life. Faith that everything is going to work out exactly as it is meant to, no matter what it may entail. It’s such a beautiful feeling. Faith is the bright and shining sword full of light that I wield against the dark shadows of my fears, lighting the way as far as its meant to be lit.

I wish this same faith for every person I love in my life. Everything is going to be more than okay. It’s going to be beautiful, for exactly what is is, and how it is. You’ll see. And if you’re already seeing it now, then don’t lose sight of it. You’re loved and you are love.

Love, love, love in all ways,

Me.

Day 186 – 189 – July 5th to 8th, 2018

Hello! So, I’m back from our epic cottage weekend and I have tons to write about. It was wild to say the least, but honestly it’s definitely going down in history as one of the craziest weekends of my entire life. But before I delve into this past weekend, I want to back track to Thursday night because that was also one of the best nights I’ve had this summer as well.

So Thursday night after work, Adrian picked me up and we went to Han Ba Tang, and I was so so excited about sharing this place with him because it has such character and the food is fucking incredible. And he loved it!!! We ordered a bunch of things and shared them together, and literally everything was so delicious. I love that we keep taking turns planning out date nights and bringing each other to incredible food places or finding cool things to do.

After dinner, I told him to choose what we did next and he decided we’d go to a vapour lounge since I’ve never been before and I was so excited. Turns out, it was the lounge he used to go to before and there was also a UK candy store nearby, so we picked up a bunch of candy and headed to the lounge. It was so cool – we had to smoke the vape out of this massive bag like thing and the vapour was so smooth, we didn’t cough at all. And the high was so good, like this body-buzz you could feel all throughout.

We had so much fun – we watched some Planet Earth, and then we got out Guess Who and started playing. At the last round of Guess Who, we both chose the same person and we both were so in awe LMAO. We do that a lot though, our brains are in sync a lot of the time. After a couple hours of just mellowing out, we decided to head out because it looked like it was about to rainstorm really badly and we wanted to get home safely. But by the time we left, it had already begun to pour and neither of us had an umbrella.

He suggested that he could go run to the parking lot on his own and bring the car around so I could stay dry, but I told him it was totally okay and I didn’t mind a little rain. So we ran together in the rain and the lightning and thunder, and it was so ridiculously rom-com level cheesy but I loved it so much! He even said it himself; he pointed out how in rom-coms the female lead runs through pouring rain and magically doesn’t ruin her make-up or looked dishevelled and how he didn’t think that was real life, but somehow I was defying that and still looked amazing whilst being drenched by the rain. (He’s so incredibly sweet, I cannot).

But my favourite part? Once we got back to his car, instead of us getting in, he spontaneously pulled me close instead and kissed me in the rain. And holy hell, what a kiss it was.

After, he pulled away and asked me if that was too cliché but I was so happy that I couldn’t even speak so all I did was shake my head and smile. Once we eventually made it back into the car, I told him that I’d never been kissed in the rain before and that that had been my first time ever, so he’d knocked yet another thing off of my bucket list. I also explained that that was not too cliché because I literally live for cheesiness and I’m a walking cliché myself.

We spent some more time together after that and I’m not going to get into it in detail but I will say that after we were just sitting together for a while and we were just contemplating the nature of our chemistry. I don’t think either of us can fully comprehend it (at least I know that I definitely can’t sometimes) but we both agreed that it’s something else and neither of us can get enough of the other.

All in all, yet another perfectly amazing date night. I honestly don’t know how, but each date or every time we hang out keeps getting better than the last time. I think with him, it’s easy for me to be present – I catch myself staring at him all the time, just memorizing the little details in his smile or the way he laughs. I’m present in the moments he’s close to me, or when he’s kissing me. Maybe that’s a part of why being around him feels so good; because it demands that I remain present in those moments, in order to truly experience every magical minute of it all.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that night! Onwards to this past weekend.

Honestly, all I’m going to say about it is that each and every time we all get together, it ends up turning into some kind of crazy adventure or insane shenanigans. But, we make it through those moments together, end up bonding closer than ever, and have amazing memories to show for it afterwards. It was a wild weekend filled with all sorts of different experiences, but all in all it happened exactly the way it was meant to and that’s that.

We all definitely had an incredible time and I know for sure none of us are going to forget this past weekend for as long as we live. And I’m so happy that this is my family, you know? We all have something different to offer, but it’s always so easy to be around one another.

So, the first week of July comes to a close already. This month, I’ve been given a ton of hours because there’s only me and Sharon working for the company mostly, but I’m hoping someone else will come on the team for the summer and take some of the hours to balance things out. We’ll see what’s meant to be!

I just want to take this moment to connect with myself and say this: I’m thankful. I’m grateful that I’m surrounded by such incredible people, beautiful souls and such amazing energy. I’m loved, I am protected and I am happy. That’s all I can ask for.

It’s going to be a great month! Summer’s always a wonderful dream.

Until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.