Day 155 – June 4th, 2018

Short quick log for tonight!

Today was a good day – I finally had a me-day, after a very long time. I slept in, I stayed in bed to read my new book on spiritual materialism, and once Olivia got back from summer school, she and I went to the gym for about an hour in order to work out, and it felt amazing to get back into it! I did my running like I said I would, and then we worked out further which made me extra happy. All in all, it was a productive start to my little break from work.

Tomorrow, I’m seeing the lady from Milton who does the Turkish coffee readings, the woman who’s able to tell you about your past, present or future depending on what shapes form after you drink this coffee and put the cup back down onto the saucer.

I was waiting for a confirmation today about this appointment that I wasn’t sure would come, because I wasn’t quite sure what the universe had in store for me regarding this, you know? I don’t even know what answers I’m looking for because I’m quite happy with the way things are in my life right now. I think it’s more so curiosity that’s drawing me towards this. I know that the future is written already and I’m well on my way towards it, so I’m not too concerned about how it’s all going to unfold because ultimately, I know I will be happy. Well, it’s happening tomorrow so we’ll see what’s said! I’m excited, a little nervous but mostly excited.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! So far, June has been off to a fantastic start and I’m so glad that I’ve been keeping to my word about writing every day, being more active and healthy, and getting back to my growing spiritualism and meditation. It’s sad, but I only wrote a total of eight times last month… I just counted, and realized that out of the thirty-one days of the month of May, I only sat down eight times to write to myself. I know time flies when you’re having fun, but I don’t want to let my growth slip through my fingers undocumented, you know? And even though I’m so happy to be spending more time being present in my present, I want some memories to look back on too.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll find a chance to compose my summer bucket list! Either way, I definitely have to write about my reading. So, wish me luck! (Though I’m sure I don’t need it since the universe is eternally with me, as I am of it.)

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 154 – June 3rd, 2018

It feels nice to not have to count how many days I’ve missed or look up what day of the year it is LOL! I’m glad I’m sticking with writing every day, even if it is on my phone.

Yet another day is winding down, and I am here lying in bed, adrift in thought.

How have I been? Where am I, on my journey? When is the last time I’ve written about me?

I mean, I no longer try to serve my ego-self and I’m still trying to discern what that entails. But I guess there’s no harm in a little reflection and introspection.

I’ve been… better than good, I’ve been amazing! Funny enough, with school involuntarily taken off my plate, I’ve had plenty of time to focus on my friendships, a budding relationship, my family, my work, and me, intermittently.

I’ve been advising the people in my life so much lately that I’ve started to wonder where this unshakeable sense of faith is stemming from. But honestly, it’s because I’ve been so blessed and so grateful to witness the universe in action. I’ve experienced the synchronicities, I’ve seen the signs and omens, I am currently living in this state of “perfect timing” where everything just works out exactly as it’s meant to, “inexplicably”. It’s wondrous and beautiful and awe-inspiring. How can I not believe in what I believe, when I’ve seen as much as I have? When I’ve come as far as I have?

I only wish the same for those around me and those closest to me. But, I trust everyone’s process and deeply as I’ve learnt to trust in my own. The people in my life will find their peace as they’re meant to, when they are meant to. And I will help or guide or assist as much as I myself am meant to, no more or less.

I feel like this month will allow me to shift my energies back towards myself, or at least towards my spiritual self. I’ve recently discovered a gem of a bookstore that carries all the books I’ve read this past year and a half, and so much more – books on spirituality and mindfulness, books on psychology of every kind and self-help, self-care, you name it. I do believe it’s a sign that it’s time to get back to furthering my quest inwards, whatever that may entail.

So I’m getting back to meditation this month, making sure I’m envisioning my brilliant shield of golden energy around me when I feel I need protecting, and I’m getting back into my reading. I’m practicing mindful reactions, questioning the nature of my emotions and thoughts without attaching weight to them, and watching my “self” and my interactions, without judgement. I am trying to make sure I am present in every one of the moments I encounter, and strive to leave my train of thought whenever it hooks me back on.

There’s so much more to learn!!! I still have such ways to go, and I’m so excited for it all. I love that I’m only human. I love that there are going to be days where it feels like it’s all falling apart. I love that everything I’m learning and have learnt will be put to the test in some way, because that’s exactly what this life entails. I look forward to it all. There is no “good” or “bad”. There is only life, and what it is, in its simplicity.

All in all, life is beautiful, for exactly what it is in this current moment.

Even for the fears!! For example, my relationship with Adrian. He makes me happy. Like… this big, warm, peaceful, content kind of happiness that I can feel right down to the tips of my fingers and toes. And it’s scary. It’s scary because I’ve spent this past year and a half of my life being completely and utterly happy just being on my own.

When you’re happy on your own, it’s a happiness that relies on no one but yourself. But when someone else makes you happy, that cause for happiness can dissipate or leave (as it goes in life). I’m not saying I won’t be happy without him, I’m no longer in that place in my life anymore. But you know, it’s sad when people leave, or when things change. I guess the fear is stemming from uncertainty. HOWEVER. I’m learning to embrace uncertainty, in order to displace the fear. And it’s getting better! I’m not as scared as I would have been, you know? I trust this and I trust in this process so much more than I ever thought I could have.

Anyways, while I’m here let me catch up on these past couple days.

So Friday night, I went over to Adrian’s after he finished work and it was the perfect evening. We tried some of my new weed, and then spent the night in his bed just talking (and other things, heh). But the talking was some of the best parts. We played a lot of would you rather, like “would you rather travel to the past or to the future” and the explained our reasonings behind our choices.

And ah man, how he makes me laugh. He was saying that I’m as beautiful as a Renaissance painting, and I was wearing his Cookie Monster pyjama pants so I joked that I wondered how the Cookie Monster would look in an actual renaissance painting. And he joked that back then, it probably would have been called “The Biscuit Gremlin”. And legit, I laughed for like 10 minutes, like I fell over laughing. I LOVE THAT HIS HUMOUR IS EXACTLY LIKE MINE. We’re so lame.

Anyways, the next morning we got to sleep in, so we spent the morning in bed, alternating between super affectionate cuddles, talking, and falling asleep. I can’t even begin to explain how happy it makes me that he enjoys pulling me towards him as close as possible and holding me that way for however long. And god, that smile he gets on his face. I asked him what it’s for, and he simply replied that he was happy. That I make him happy.

He says I get this look on my face that looks like I’m on “all the drugs” LMAO. But it makes total sense because with him, it DOES feel like I’m on all the drugs, in the best ways possible.

Later on, it turned out that his friends were heading towards Yorkdale and asked him to come hang out there. So it worked out perfectly for us – we grabbed some pho for lunch at one of his favourite spots, and then he drove me over to work so that he could go meet up with his friends in the mall.

We walked through my workplace, so he inevitably ended up meeting a couple people as we walked through quickly. But he did come back later to visit, and met everyone properly. He met Maria first, which made me super happy since she’s legit my work mama. And then he met Marilyn, and I even introduced him to Luna because she was watching us expectantly and I felt kinda bad to just pass her by.

He met Sharon properly this time, and they spoke French fluently (I won’t even start on what hearing him speak French did to my poor little heart, LOL). All in all, it was lovely. I admit I was a little bit nervous at first because I was afraid my coworkers would ask awkward questions about if he was my boyfriend or not. But, it went perfectly; everyone was so polite and friendly, and he was his charming and easy-going self as per usual.

I like this stage right now. We haven’t had the whole “I’m exclusively dating you and only you” talk or the whole “what are we” discussion but I don’t want it, is that weird? I’m like, perfectly happy with just this right now. Because, he makes it clear how he feels for me without that further clarification – when we’re walking through the mall, he makes a point of holding my hand or kissing my forehead, no holds barred. He even made sure it was okay for him to kiss me at work, even if it was just a tender peck on the lips. He’s comfortable with me, with what the idea of “us” entails right now, and in turn I am equally as comfortable.

Whatever is meant for us will come as it does, no matter what it entails. Right now, my main priority is being present, effortlessly present, in every moment I am given to spend with him. I want to bask in the way his hands feel on my skin. I want to appreciate the way he smiles at me, to witness it unfurl on his face when he’s gazing at me in the way that he does. I’m so grateful for every single bit of this journey thus far, and I want him to know it. No matter what the outcome is, I want to know I can look back on these moments in my life and know that I experienced this kind of effervescent happiness that I only ever dreamed was possible.

I’m so happy I’ve met him. In these two quick months he’s already come to mean so much to me. For every smile, every laugh, every introspective discussion or light-hearted conversation, for every single genuine compliment he’s paid me, for all the ways he’s made me feel like a goddess on earth.

So, thank you Universe. Thank you for bringing this amazing, kind-hearted, genuine, passionate, bright, intelligent, positive, sexy as hell, funny, cheesy, affectionate and all-around great person into my life. I can’t wait to see what else you have in store for us, whatever that may entail.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! This week, I’ve got four consecutive days off in a row (YAY!) and I intend to make the most of it. Me-time, friend-time, family-time, boy-time, you name it. I want to make the most of this summer, especially since I’ve been given a beautiful opportunity to do so without the thought of school looming over my head. I’ll be writing that summer bucket list soon, but in the meantime – here’s to what’s looking to be a beautiful, transformative and absolutely incredible summer.

Love always,

Me.

Day 153 – June 2nd, 2018

I said I would write every day and even though I am currently tucked into bed and sleepy as heck, I meant it. I’m going to do this. I just finished meditating and by this week, I’ll be getting back into my running. I meant what I said about this month!

Anyways, I do want to get to bed but before I do. I am… so insanely ridiculously happy, I can’t even begin to express it. And I am grateful, so grateful.

Also… I think I might be falling for Adrian a lot harder than I realized.

Which is scary to acknowledge, but liberating too I suppose.

No one has ever looked at me the way he has. No one has ever made me feel as beautiful. When I’m with him, my heart sings. I’m content, I’m at peace. It’s a stillness that I can’t describe.

And when I want him, nothing can stop me. The passion we have for one another… it’s unlike anything I’ve experienced. I can feel every nerve-ending in my body, especially when he’s kissing every inch of me. It’s… palpable. It’s magnetic. I can’t ever get enough, and he feels the same way.

And in those quiet moments where he’s holding me close, I can feel the smile on his face without even having to look at him.

I’ve got to write about last night and today in detail for sure (mental notes: the jokes that made me die of laughter, “the biscuit gremlin”, the amazing connecting conversations, how he came to visit me at work today and met everyone one by one!)

But for now, I just wanted to express that. As scary as it is to be falling for someone this deeply, I don’t want to forget how beautiful this experience has been so far. I trust this process. No matter the outcome, I have nothing to fear. I deserve this. I deserve to be cared for like this, to be seen the way he sees me. I deserve the endless kisses, the laughter, the amazing conversations, and the simple happiness of being held by someone.

Anyways, I’ll be off for the entire week after tomorrow so I’m sure I’ll definitely have a moment to write more in depth! For now, this shall suffice.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

Day 145 to 152 – May 25th to June 1st, 2018

NINE DAYS. I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN NINE DAYS.

I actually didn’t think it had been that long, honestly! I kept telling myself each and every day, “it’s fine, you’ll write when you get a chance.” But holy shit, nine days!!!

And, it’s the beginning of a new month now too! We are officially pretty much in the halfway point of 2018, in the sixth month of this year.

Okay, this month, I’m going to make a point of writing every day. “Yeah, yeah, okay, Steph”, you’re saying. “We’ve all heard that one before.” But for reals! June is going to be a good month. I can already feel it.

I’m going to be running around my neighbourhood at least 4-5 times a week, for however long I can. And, I’m going to work a little less (after Father’s Day weekend of course) so that I can get started on my summer plans. I have big ones in store. Which reminds me! I need to write down my summer bucket list! I suppose it’s fitting now that it’s the 1st of June.

Before I begin on the present though – is there anything I’ve missed in the past week that I direly need to write about? Let’s see…

Well, I’ve been super busy, in regards to my social life; I’ve been making plans with absolutely everyone I know in an effort to keep my relationships balanced with everyone. I hadn’t realized how many people are in my life that I make efforts towards until this past week, LMAO. It’s been great though – I’ve tried some amazing new food places, had some great conversations, discovered amazing patios, and I feel like I’ve been making the most of the summer as a result. I have to, seeing as I don’t have school on my plate, you know?

Which reminds me – sometime soon, I’m going to have to take a day to sit down and figure out what September and onwards is going to look like for me. Even though my school is still on strike, there will come a day when it’s not on strike any longer and operations will resume as per usual. So I may as well be prepared for that.

Anyways, back to catching up – Leila and I hung out after she came back from vacation and it was so, so good. We had a bit of a talk while she was away; she was honest with me about how she wished she could see me more often, and we promised to make it work despite our busy schedules. Honestly, I’m so glad that we can be so open and honest with each other about how we feel and what we want from our friendship. It’s so healthy and it’s so conducive to our relationship with one another, and it bolsters my faith in the fact that we’re going to be in each other’s lives for a very long time to come.

I haven’t had very many people in my life who have fought to stay, you know? None of my high school friends did, the people I stopped talking to throughout university didn’t try to make it work either. I know those chapters came to a close as they were meant to because I learnt everything I could, but in this case with Leila, it’s different. I want us to grow old together, LMAO. I want us to stay in each other’s lives, I want us to grow and learn together. And I really believe that we can, which makes my soul happy.

Work has been the same, but it was nice to be away from it for a while – I had another three days off from it again this week, and that’s where all my plans were made. I hung out with my coworkers, with Radha, and even with Bianca and Bethany and Olivia for a moment before heading off to Scarbs to spend the evening with Leila! It’s been a great week.

Ah, regarding my plans from last week – so Radha, Krish, Adrian and I were supposed to go out to Drake hotel last Friday right? But, we didn’t end up going because last minute, Krish bailed, which led to Radha and Krish having a conversation about the nature of their relationship, and consequently ending it.

So we ended up just chilling at Adrian’s that night, and Joey (Adrian’s other best friend), ended up joining us. It was so much fun – we smoked a bit, talked, got into a discussion about food and music, and Joey told Radha and I about this one time that Adrian and him got really, really high and Adrian passed out, LOL. It was cool to talk to someone who knew so much about Adrian and watched him grow the way he has. And I was so happy that I got to hang out with them like that too, so that Joey could get to know me as well.

I got to spend the night again and Sharon and I ended up going into work together since she and I had the same shift and she happens to live literally right around the corner! It worked out perfectly.

Anyways, that was the gist of this past week!

I’ve got to start wrapping this up because I’m going to start getting ready soon to leave to Adrian’s, but before I go; during the week, I kept wanting to ask Adrian to hang out but my gut also told me to wait a little bit. And I’m glad I did, because he ended up messaging me to tell me that he missed spending time with me and asked to see me soon.

So today, he came over and it ended up working out perfectly that I had the whole house to myself all morning and afternoon. We didn’t really have plans per se and we were kind of winging it, but we ended up staying in (in bed, hehehe) and I ended up making him my famous chocolate chip pancakes afterwards, which he loved.

I was just thinking earlier this week that I wanted more opportunities to really connect with him – while I love how deeply we connect physically, I wanted that same connection emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. And today was the perfect balance of that.

Yes, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other within the two seconds he’d entered my house. But after, we just laid in my bed and talked, which I loved. We talked about such random stuff – about how he used to keep grapes in his mouth before he went to sleep when he was a baby, and would wake up with them in his mouth! It got to a point where his parents had to check his mouth before he went to sleep, LMAO. I have no idea why I find this fact so ridiculously endearing, but I do.

We caught up about our lives – I told him all about what happened between Leila and I and how we’re in a better place now, about how I’d been spending a lot of time with my coworkers and trying new food, and he caught me up about how Mark and Joey are doing, and what he’s been up to lately.

We also talked about Olivia and Trevor (who are in a bit of a tough spot right now), and his insights regarding the nature of relationships blew me away. We were quite on par in regards to our perspectives on relationships, about how important it is to build that foundation first, how important it is to be yourself right from the start. He also agreed that I should trust in Olivia’s process whilst doing my best to be there for her.

I’m so glad I was patient in regards to how much I’ve wanted to spend time with him – today, he made a list of all these amazing summer plans he wants to do with me and it made me so, so happy. He wants to do a beach day, do a cottage weekend, and sometime soon he wants to take me out to a nice dinner in downtown somewhere where there’s a beautiful patio, so that we can dress up a little and enjoy each other’s company (this was cute – he was like, “would you like to go on a date with me?” and I joked and I was like “I don’t know… maybe”, but when I said yes he jokingly said back, “okay phew, I was totally nervous about asking you”).

Funny enough (a synchronicity that showed me how in tune we really are) he randomly started looking up show times for a drive-in movie theatre for next week, which is what we’re planning for and I’m SO EXCITED. The coincidence is that, literally the day before, I was doing the exact same thing randomly – looking at drive-in movie theatres and timing, because I had remembered he’d suggested that a while ago on our movie-dinner-park date night. I can’t wait! I’ve never gone into a drive-in movie theatre before, and I’m glad that we’re making more of an effort to spend time with each other.

Another cute coincidence – I knew we only had a couple hours together this morning because he had to leave to work early, but I was so hoping he’d ask me to come over and spend the night after he finished work. But, I didn’t want to be too forward and ask in case the couple hours we spent today was enough for him. He went outside for a moment, and to myself I was like, “please, Universe, please.” Much to my delight however, when he found out I didn’t have plans for later tonight, he asked me if I’d like to come over and immediately I was like yes please, LMAO. We both laughed after, because it was a funny moment where we both kind of paused and looked at each other before he asked me.

I’m honestly so happy. He makes me so happy. And he told me that I make him happy too, today. I love how he makes me laugh, I love what we talk about, I love how he looks at me and how he makes me feel. Even now, two months since we’ve met, he still looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time ever.

He confessed to me today that for the first month of us seeing one another, his friends didn’t know my name. And when I asked why, it was because when Radha had first shown him pictures of me, the first thing he said was “this girl is an eleven out of ten.” So when he would talk to his friends about me, he would describe me as an “eleven out of ten”, and at first they were kind of like, “yeah, right.” But once they met me, they agreed too LOL. And so back then, whenever they’d asked what he was up to and he was spending time with me, he’d say “I’m hanging out with eleven out of ten tonight.” And that’s why they didn’t know my name – my moniker had become “eleven out of ten.”

I thought it was so cute! I love how highly he speaks of me, not just to me but to his friends.

~

Day 144 – May 24th, 2018

Hi, hi!

So this week has flown by, Thursday’s dwindling to a close now and Friday is looming around the corner already! I’ve got a weekend of work coming up, but also tomorrow night, Adrian, Radha, Krish and I are going out to Drake Hotel, so it looks like it’s going to be a fun night!

But for now, it is time to talk about everything I’ve missed in the past week or so. I’m dreading it because it seems like there’s so much, but there really isn’t. And I’m also kind of dreading it because it’s in the past now and time’s gone on, so I almost feel like… there’s no point? But that’s not the point of these logs. These logs aren’t just here for me to record what happens to me on a daily basis. These logs serve to capture my life lessons, my realizations, and to document my growth.

Okay, I feel better about it now. Especially because that last point there ^ is what I’ve been dwelling on for the last couple days. There’s an idea that’s been with me for some time now, inklings and musings in the back of my mind. But I’ll touch on that later.

So… where do I begin?

I guess I’ll pick up where I left off last.

By the end of last week, I hadn’t quite realized it but the eighty hours of work I’d done in the course of the last two weeks was beginning to take its toll. Even though I wasn’t exhausted physically, I was drained emotionally and mentally with the amount of stuff that was going on at home with my family. Even though things kind of settled a bit, I don’t think I took the time to properly express or internalize what had happened the previous weekend with my mom over Mother’s Day, or how she nearly died on the highway, or her depressive episode.

It was an accumulation of stuff that inevitably led to me having a full on break-down in the middle of my shift on Saturday afternoon, something that hasn’t happened to me in a very, very long time.

Part of that accumulation though, was my friendship (or my perception of it) with Leila.

It all started from the previous weekend – I’d texted her about her hair, and she didn’t reply to a question I’d asked but of course, that was fine because we get busy or forget to text back and I myself am guilty of that too. And throughout the week, we hadn’t talked much and when we did, I kept getting the impression that something was off (and I attributed it to not being able to get her lotion to her, which I felt guilty for). But I let that be too, and chalked it up to the fact that we were probably just really busy throughout the week and that happens sometimes.

But then at the end of the week, I saw some tweets she’d either retweeted or tweeted herself that set some alarm bells off in my head. She retweeted: “don’t ever beg for a friendship or relationship with anyone. If you don’t receive the same efforts you give out… lose that contact b”, at first. And then a day later tweeted herself: “smh at people who don’t make the same effort anymore once they have new people in their life.”

That last one, I happened to be hanging out with Radha when I’d seen it. And I immediately felt my heart sink to somewhere near my feet. Was I neglecting old friendships? Was I not prioritizing Leila now that Radha and Adrian were in my life? Was that really how she felt? And why wouldn’t she just tell me this if that were the case? Hadn’t we always been honest with each other? Did I really hurt her to the point she was tweeting these things about me?

Those were all the questions that ran through my head. And then I immediately messaged her that night, telling her I hoped she had a ton of fun at the wedding she was attending the next day, as well as telling her I knew she was going to look amazing.

No reply. My guilt intensified. The alarm bells were ringing a little bit louder now.

The next day was the day of the wedding (and the day of my break-down). When I’d seen that she’d posted a snap (whilst I was hoping to receive some myself of her outfit and stuff), I replied to her story saying that she looked great. Once again, she opened it but there was no reply.

I spent the rest of my shift in a state of worry, brow furrowed as I paced through the department, my energy obviously off, barely smiling as much as I normally do. When I saw more snaps posted and still no reply, that’s when it hit me like a brick wall: Leila must have thought I was a bad friend. She obviously wouldn’t be acting like this if I hadn’t of done something wrong.

But by now, my guilt was also turning into defensiveness. I still couldn’t understand why she hadn’t just messaged me directly the way she always did when there was something she wanted to discuss with me. I know I could have just messaged her myself and asked her what was up and what was going on. But I was scared to ask. Those tweets hurt a lot more than I thought they would. I couldn’t comprehend why I was feeling as much as I was over a couple tweets and a lack of replies to my texts.

Why was I so afraid to ask her directly?

Because the root of my defensiveness, the root of my guilt, was the fear of the possibility that… she was right. Maybe I had been neglecting her. Maybe I wasn’t putting in the effort she deserved in our friendship. And that thought scared me more than anything.

Because, I pride myself on being a good friend. A solid friend. Some of my worst fears entail me finding out that I was selfish in any ways when it comes to my friendships or relationships with other people. That I could hurt someone. That’s the last thing I want.

I know I’m not perfect. But when it comes to the people I care about, I strive to be the best I can be for the people who rely on me. What if, in this case, I’d failed?

It was all so overwhelming. And right there, in the middle of the department while all these feelings were coming at me faster than I could handle, I broke down.

Lucky for me, I work with a bunch of amazing women who immediately were at my side to console me and offer me support without needing to know why or how. Marilyn and Sera took me over to the side and listened to what was going on with my family, my fears regarding my friendship with Leila, how tired I’d become from working as much as I had. They understood that it was hard for me to be strong all the time without letting everything out, once in a while.

They both suggested that I talk to her, but I was worried – she was leaving on vacation within days, and I wasn’t sure what that conversation would entail, and I didn’t want to be the reason that she didn’t enjoy this amazing trip she had ahead of her. So I decided I’d just go with my gut and let things happen as they did. I planned to let things settle for a bit, and hopefully have the conversation with her once she got back from her vacay.

But of course, the universe had other plans in store for me (thankfully).

It turns out, she wasn’t leaving the day after the wedding. I found this out because she did end up texting me back, and texting about the wedding. The only thing was, I didn’t quite know what to say without denoting the state I was in, so I let it be. While I was working though, when I’d checked my phone after coming off the floor, I’d noticed she’d called twice.

She usually doesn’t call, so I texted asking if everything was okay. And she said it was, but that she wanted to just talk before she left. So I told her I’d call her after I finished work.

I came home after a while (me and my dad had to pick up my mom and my sister from the station after they finished work too) and then I sat at my kitchen table wondering how exactly I was going to say what I needed to say. I told myself I was just going to go with my gut, picked up my phone, and called.

I’m so glad I did.

She started off by saying we hadn’t talked in a while and she wanted to know how I was doing with everything, with my family and whatnot. And I struggled a bit at first, but eventually I got to the point where I told her I’d recently had a breakdown and all the reasons why it’d happened, including the tweets I thought had been about me and the lack of reply.

She immediately assured me that those tweets had nothing to do with me – in fact, she launched into explanations for each tweet, as well as whom they were actually meant for.

As for the lack of replies, she hadn’t realized I’d asked a question in the texts from the weekend before, and as for the most recent ones, she’d been caught up in prepping for the wedding and whatnot that she hadn’t really had a moment to reply. She also explained she’d been feeling kind of “blah” throughout the week, which is why she hadn’t been texting much. Bottom line was, none of it had anything to do with me.

She apologized profusely for making me feel the way I did, and I admitted that I should have just asked her as soon as I saw the tweets, and addressed the situation right off the bat without jumping to my own conclusions. We both agreed that honesty and communication is always best when it comes to situations like these, and she assured me that there was no way she’d ever say anything like that about me without addressing it with me first.

It turned into a good conversation, and after we hung up she messaged right after to apologize once more. In the moments of the phone call and afterwards, I had some realizations that I relayed to her and that I’m going to write here now:

The reason I reacted as strongly as I did to what seems like nothing is because, when it comes down to it, I care deeply about Leila. I care very deeply about our friendship. In fact, the whole situation became very humbling to me, very eye-opening.

I advocate for communication and honesty so much, to everyone around me in regards to every one of their relationships. But in my own, I clearly still have ways to go.

Even if those tweets weren’t about me, and even if the lack of replies wasn’t intentional, the universe made its message very clear – don’t take people for granted. This whole misunderstanding revealed to me just how much I loved Leila, and maybe I haven’t been showing it as much as I should have as of late. I wouldn’t have reacted as defensively or guiltily as I had if I had felt 100% sure that I wasn’t taking her for granted.

I’m glad this happened. It showed me that we can grow together, and we’re in this for the long haul. It ultimately served to grow our relationship with one another too, and we’re in a good place. She’s currently having an amazing time on her vacation, and I can’t wait to see her once she gets back.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in that lower-vibrational frequency. But this also showed me that I can’t neglect myself and assume I’ll stay in a good headspace.

This past week has been so much better. I’ve had three days off in a row for the first time in a while, I’ve spent time with my friends and my family, and yesterday on my last day off I actually had the whole day to myself to just relax and unwind on my own. I started a new book on spiritualism, I ate good food, played some guitar hero, smoked some good weed and just vibed, which was exactly what I needed.

And today as a result, I got through a nine-hour shift and it felt like a nine-minute shift.

Well! I’m basically all caught up. I’m constantly learning that I am constantly learning. I’ll never stop. The moment I think I know everything, the universe will find a way to show me that I don’t by teaching me something new.

Which reminds me of one last thing I wanted to address before I go.

Now, this part is kind of hard for me because I myself don’t want to acknowledge this. To me, it feels like… a step back almost. A quick flashback of who I used to be. But now, I see it for what it is. I see that I still have ways to go, despite how far I’ve come.

Okay so… this past week, Adrian has been texting me a lot less than he used to when we first started talking at the beginning. He replies to snaps about a half day later, literally usually a full twelve hours, and much less frequently too.

And old-me insecurities and thoughts started popping up in my head as a result: “whoa… he’s not texting as much as he did before. Maybe he’s freaking out about how quickly this all started and now he’s pulling back. And why is he taking forever to respond now? Is he really that busy or is it because we’re running out of things to talk about? What if he sees I’ve snapped him but he’s purposely not opening it for hours at a time so that he doesn’t have to reply? But back to the texting thing… I have no idea how his week is going, and before we kept up with one another in that way. What’s changed? Am I being too invasive? Am I being too forward? Should I pull back? Maybe I should pull back. But wait, I promised myself I wouldn’t play games this time around. I told myself that this felt different, that I could be myself without having to come off a certain way in order to make this work or to “get him”. Why do I feel different all of a sudden? How do I stop myself from feeling like this? Why am I feeling like this!?!?”

I can’t even begin to tell you how hard I’m cringing right now. But if I can’t be honest with myself about my insecurities here, where can I be, you know? I have to be honest with myself, always.

So, I talked about it with myself, I thought about it. And this is the conclusion I’ve arrived at in regards to that: this “sudden change” in our texting habits seemed like “inconsistency” to me. I kept thinking “well if it was so good in the start and now it’s already like this, what’s it going to be like 6 months from now!?”

But here’s the thing.

When people first start out in relationships, each party is doing their best to convey how much they are attracted to the other. Each person is being fueled by a lethal and heady cocktail of nearly-addictive neurochemicals that make us want to go above and beyond to secure what we define our “connection” is to this other person. But when the “honeymoon phase” ends? That’s when the consistency really begins. That’s when you start to settle into who you really are, aside from the crazy lustful neurochemicals that make you feel like you can scale a skyscraper.

I’m not saying that Adrian and I are suddenly leaving a “honeymoon phase” – hell, we haven’t even technically really entered it, seeing as we’ve only just begun seeing each other and we’re still in the midst of doing so. What I’m saying is that I became so attached to the habits we established starting out, that they actually became expectations without me even realizing. But when it comes down to it, those expectations are unrealistic because they’re based on those fleeting neurochemicals.

A relationship is like a house. It starts off as an idea – you end up in a time in your life where you feel like you can build something with someone that you seem to genuinely like, and/or are hella attracted to. So you go “hey, this piece of land right here? This looks like good land. It looks like a place where we can build something together. You wanna do this with me?” And they go, “hell yeah! Let’s do this.” (Usually… hopefully.)

So you start to build. But, what do you start with? Should you get right into building that house? Nah. You start with a foundation. You start laying in the groundwork. So in this phase, here is where you’re getting to know this person. Here is where you build the lasting aspect of the relationship, and to me, that’s the friendship.

Sometimes you get caught up in the house (non-metaphorically speaking, the romantic relationship) aspect of it all because you want it so badly. Or because it’s so exciting. Or maybe because that’s simply how it just, happened to start off – you started building the house first. Sometimes the foundation gets put on the backburner.

But inevitably, I think in all working relationships, you end up coming back to work on the foundation after all. Even after the house is built. No one wants a hollow house. A shaky house that can get blown apart once the winds of time and adversity begin to blow.

What I mean by this super flowery metaphorical analogy in regards to my own personal situation, is this: I think I started getting caught up in building the house when initially, I was totally okay with just focusing on the foundation. I started getting attached to the mechanics or expectations of what our romantic relationship entailed, and worse yet – I based it all on our electronic communications, which ultimately hold little to no meaning.

I can’t believe how attached to our phones we are in this day in age. We use it as a measuring device to denote how connected or close we are to the people in our lives – the quicker the reply, the closer you are, and the more effort you entail. But that’s. not. true.

And that’s what I need to remember. I gauge so much regarding the state of my relationships through my phone, when I really, really, really, really, really shouldn’t. I had no idea I had such an attachment to these things until I started reacting the way I did, first in that situation with Leila and again in my thoughts regarding Adrian.

You can’t hear someone’s voice through text no matter how much you fool yourself into believing you can. You can’t decide that someone cares less about you if they’re replying a lot later than they normally would, if you have no idea what they’re doing or what their lives entail in those exact moments where they’re not on their phone. You can’t assume that someone is purposely avoiding you or expending less energy to you if the way they do text you changes from time to time.

But you know what you can know for certain?

The way someone’s smile forms when they see you, in person. The way they look at you when they haven’t seen you for some time and you can genuinely feel the excitement radiating off of them as they approach you. How it feels to be in their arms, to have them kiss your forehead gently in the way that makes you feel exactly how they feel, in that moment.

And when those things aren’t there in person, that’s how you really know and then you can act or decide accordingly.

But no. My phone is not an effective device for measuring how deeply someone feels about me or how they feel towards me at all. And that, my friends, is my lesson of the week.

That and, “don’t assume, or you will make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”

…legit.

I have ways to go. I didn’t even realize I still have insecurities that I still have to battle. Old ghosts that reappeared without me even realizing they could. But that’s okay. I’m not consumed by them. I just, see them for what they are now.

So tomorrow, I’m going to have fun. I’m going to be myself, and I’m going to tell Adrian how much I’ve missed him, no holds barred. I can’t control what happens outside of me, and that includes how he may or may not feel about me. But I damn well control how I choose to react to it all, and how I choose to internalize it. Or, not internalize it.

This was a good log! Very good. I’m happy.

Tomorrow’s going to be great, I can feel it. But for now, off to bed I go.

I’m so glad I’ve gotten back to my writing again. It feels good, like coming home.

I have big plans for all of this. I mentioned before, I’ve been thinking about all of these lessons I’ve accumulated throughout this past year and a half.

I think… I think I want to write a book.

I can see it in my head – it would be comprised of “lessons”, of the realizations I’ve gathered throughout the time I realized I wanted to do better for myself… from the moment I decided to love myself.

And I’m going to call it, “love, me.”

We’ll see. I don’t know when or how this idea came to me, only that it has, now in multiple ways and forms. And I can’t very well ignore the universe, now can I?

Until next time!!!

Love, love, love,

Stephanie.

Day 136 to 143 – May 16th – 23rd, 2018

Okay soooo… I haven’t written in over a week, which makes this the longest I’ve gone without writing since this year has begun. And throughout the week, I’d catch myself getting a little overwhelmed with my overthinking here and there at work and I kept telling myself “I need to write, I need to write” – not only to document everything that’s happened, but also as an outlet for all of my pent-up thoughts and emotions from the last week or so.

Again, this week has passed by in a blur of work shifts (which actually ended up taking their toll on the past Saturday), but these past three days I’ve been off and spending time with friends and family so that’s helped quite a bit to help me get centered once more.

I’m so lazy to type this, it’s late at night and I have a work shift tomorrow. But that shift is like, an all-day thing and I know I’m going to be tired when I get back from work, ugh.

I have such long stories that I need to catch up on (okay, maybe just two, but there’s a lot of context to them in order for them to make sense).

My gut says… I should just sleep for now, and finish this off (or start it all, really) tomorrow after work. After all, I actually do finish earlier than I normally do and I suppose I won’t be as tired as I think. I’d rather write that log with a fresh mind and no laziness whatsoever as to not leave out important details.

Okay, until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.

Day 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135 – May 10th to 15th, 2018

Yikes, that’s a long time to not write! It’s almost been a week since I wrote last, but honestly I simply haven’t been able to find a moment amidst all the hectic that’s been going on lately.

I’ve been working a total of about 80 hours between last week and this week, believe it or not! I’m legit thriving though – because my school is still on strike with no end in sight, I’ve taken on as many hours as I humanly can in order to keep busy and make a little mint along the way. May as well, right? And work’s been both busy and easy breezy what with Mother’s Day passing; I killed it in sales, and I also got to have days where I did absolutely nothing and relax so it was a perfect balance. I’m beginning to wonder where all of this energy is stemming from!

Not to mention, I’ve been taking on more driving lessons and my instructor says I can book test soon, he believes I’m ready!!! Within a month even, and he promised we’d practice up until then. I can’t wait!!! I feel so much more confident about my driving now, more than ever. It’s almost easy, and I feel comfortable and I’m starting to enjoy it so much more. And when I have a car!?!? Ah, imagine the freedom.

I’ve got a lot to catch up on, but I’m just going to touch upon the important parts as to not overwhelm myself with a long-ass log. Most of last week and this week has been a blur of waking up, going to work, coming home to sleep and doing it all again – that’s how long my shifts have been. I’ve honestly been living at Yorkdale, but I’m truly not complaining; in fact, I’m grateful for the hours because I have a plan which I will touch upon later in this log.

Ah but this past weekend… both lovely and crazy in two completely different ways. I’ll start with the good first!

Friday morning before work, I went to hunt down some tulips because Sera’s birthday was on Saturday and I was off so I wanted to grab her a little thoughtful gift in honour of both her birthday and Mother’s Day weekend, and tulips are her favourite flowers. And rather than grabbing a cut bouquet, I wanted to make sure she could plant them so that they would grow over and over as the years passed as well, a recurring gift.

So I went to Walmart and found these beautiful tulips of every colour, but I didn’t know if she had a colour preference. Dylan and I had already been talking previously (about the new Arctic Monkey’s album) so I asked him if she had a preference. Ou speaking of him – I actually ran into him the day before on the Thursday coincidentally! He was visiting Sera at work for a moment and I was talking to her, and he creeped up behind me and scared me, true to form. It was nice to see him for a brief moment, but I didn’t feel anything more than that. In fact I almost completely forgot I’d run into him at all up until now! Moving on is a good feeling.

He didn’t end up responding quickly enough though, so I went with my gut and got these brilliant red-coloured tulips. (Later though, he confirmed she had no colour preference but that I was the “sweetest”). However, beside the tulips were bright yellow sunny daffodils… the same kind of flower that Adrian wanted to get as a tattoo in remembrance of his mom, seeing as she passed away from cancer. I immediately thought to get some for him too – as a gesture, as a way of saying that I was here for him, no matter what he needed. Earlier on in the week, I’d been thinking about the fact that this weekend was Mother’s Day and I was wondering about how it made him feel and what I could do to show my support without coming off as too overbearing. And those flowers… they just, struck me. They were beautiful.

So, I immediately called Radha and asked for her opinion, and she thought it was a lovely idea and spoke of my character, which she knows well. It’s just something she and I would do, so she understood. She told me she’d even asked him if he was okay for that weekend, and he’d told her it was just like any other day for him. But even still, I wanted to do something small for him, and for her. So, I took her advice, went with my gut, and bought some daffodils as well since I was planning on seeing him later that night anyways.

All day I was super nervous, even though deep down I knew I had no reason to be. I was just worried – what if I was overstepping? Loss through death is something I cannot comprehend or fathom to that extent, seeing as I’ve never quite directly experienced it myself. But everyone at work assured me it was a small sweet gesture that he’d appreciate, and this coming from moms who adore me, (some even teared up), made me feel a lot better about it.

Sera loved her tulips by the way!!! Funny enough, Chuck planted a whole bunch of tulip seeds for her sometime last September and they had no idea what colour they’d grow to be, and turns out they were all white! So my red tulips for her (which she also intended to plant) would stand out brilliantly amongst the white, which makes me happy.

Anyways, eventually my shift came to an end and I headed home to have dinner with Olivia and Trevor and his family before I headed out to Adrian. The dinner was so nice; Trevor’s family was amazing!!!! They were so genuine, and warm, and affectionate and comfortable and funny as hell. They were so charming and down to earth that it made it easy for me and my mom to be at ease around them too. We were all roaring from laughter at times (when Trevor said something in Sinhalese that Olivia taught him) or even looking at pictures of their home in Turkey from Trevor’s dad’s phone (such a cool chill dad, legit sat cross-legged comfortably while sitting on our couch). And Trevor’s mom was super sweet and had such an incredible presence (she’s a counsellor). I’m so glad we met them!

After dinner, I packed up quickly and headed out to Richmond Hill, daffodils in hand and my heart on my sleeve (LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIS). When he picked me up, I saw him glance at the bag (I had the flowers wrapped up in tulle and in a massive bag so he couldn’t quite see what it was) but he didn’t ask, which was perfect since it was dark in his car and I wanted him to see the full effect once we got to his place.

Once we picked up a pizza and headed back to his house, I settled in and finally gave them to him. I explained that I’d felt bad coming to his house empty handed the first two times (especially since the first time he came over he was bearing my new favourite moscato and my favourite chocolate), but more than that I’d also realized it was Mother’s Day weekend and I wanted him to have these flowers, especially after the conversation we’d had about the significance of daffodils to him on our first real date. They were as much for him as they were for his mom.

I was nervous and rambling, but the way he looked at the flowers, and then looked at me… it was more than words. He pulled me close and kissed me and it said everything I needed to know. He thanked me kindly and expressed how absolutely beautiful the flowers were, which made me really happy.

That night was legit the perfect night in, or at least my idea of a perfect night in – we smoked up, ate the amazing pizza, chilled, talked and vibed. We talked about travel, about life, food, you name it. And later, well… I wore some special lingerie for him under my dress as a surprise and safe to say, he highly enjoyed it. In fact, he made the point of telling me that I looked like I’d walked straight out of his fantasies, LMAO. He was so star struck and mind blown, his reaction was absolutely perfect. It was a good night, heh.

The next day, we stayed in bed until late for once (I usually have to leave early the next morning since we usually both work), but we were both off on that Saturday so we made the most of it. I honestly love falling asleep and waking up next to him, I don’t know what it is about him or whether it’s our insane chemistry but being next to him in that capacity is a comfort I can neither describe or understand. It just feels out of this world right. We fit perfectly together when we’re cuddling; I don’t quite know how or why but it’s almost like puzzle pieces snapping into place – that’s how satisfying it is. I never have the urge to move away, and he stays still right there next to me, holding me the whole while, all through the night.

Once we finally got out of bed, he made French toast for me and it was delicious. Oh and, he made it for me shirtless, so the whole experience was both a treat to my eyes and my taste buds, hehe. His body is incredible, I’ve already asked to go to the gym with him sometime (even though he thinks I don’t need to).

Here’s where it got pretty funny – so even though his dad is never home, turns out he decided to come home that day of all days to get started on his gardening work. Only… I happened to be wearing nothing but Adrian’s t-shirt and my underwear, sitting in the kitchen eating French toast when he came to the house, LMFAO!!!!! Lucky for us though, he only opened the door in the foyer to let Adrian know he was there instead of coming in. We immediately booked it upstairs to throw on some clothes and look more presentable before his dad decided to actually come inside, Adrian apologizing profusely all the while for not knowing his dad would be coming home and also giving me a heart attack, LOL. It was totally okay though! I assured him it was no biggie, and as long as it was okay with him then it was okay with me.

We eventually headed down to the basement to get some Netflix in while his dad and his dad’s girlfriend worked in the garden, and they both came down here and there and saw me and briefly interacted with us. They seemed nice! Adrian apologized for not formally introducing me but again, that was totally okay with me and I’m in no rush whatsoever in regards to that. So we cuddled and watched Netflix for a while until they left.

Originally I was supposed to go to a house-warming thing with Rose, but she ended up having to work on an essay and I didn’t want to go without her. So Adrian said I was more than welcome to stay another night, which I was totally happy to do. We smoked some more, ordered in some Thai food, and watched Netflix in bed while we ate. It was exactly the perfect kind of relaxing weekend I needed, away from everyone and everything, to just chill and unwind.

Sometime well into the night, he eventually fell asleep on me halfway through an episode (literally so cute) and I drifted off soon thereafter (we really needed to catch up on all the sleep we didn’t get the entire night AND morning before, ahem).

The next morning, we did our whole usual morning routine of me packing up my stuff and getting ready to leave while he preps downstairs, we grabbed coffee from Tims, and he dropped me off at the terminal so I could make it back home in time to get ready for work.

I keep going back and forth between being terrified of how much I like him (and how quickly too), and being calm and floaty when I think about how happy he makes me and how much I genuinely enjoy being around him.

Neither of us were looking for this – I was perfectly happy being on my own and he had just gotten out of a serious relationship, you know? I know things happen when you least expect them but… well, I guess there really isn’t a “but”. Both of us are just happy with the way things are right now, and that’s about it. Neither of us are planning on denying how we feel or running from it so… no but’s, or what if’s, or maybes. Just, taking it one day at a time and seeing where it can go, no pressure. We’re completely transparent with one another, expressive and communicative, and it makes everything so much easier for it.

Anyways, that’s the good part of my weekend. Now, onto the… chaos.

So while I was away on the weekend and Olivia was working, we’d initially had plans to go to dinner with my mom on Sunday for Mother’s Day. And throughout Sunday, we kept calling and texting my mom while we were all at work in order to coordinate with her, but neither of us got any response.

We were all supposed to finish at six, and eventually Olivia and I reached home around the same time and discussed how odd it was that our mom wasn’t responding to either of us. But little by little, we put some pieces together regarding the night before: that Saturday night, my parents went out to some musical show with a bunch of other family friends, and then after they went to one of the family’s houses just to get together for a bit. And it seemed like my dad got very, very drunk (he was in bed late into Sunday morning which is odd for him seeing as he’s usually up before all of us) and my mom had to drive them home.

We figured this out because she’d taken the car keys from my dad that Sunday so he wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere, and I’d called him earlier in the day and he told me that she hadn’t been answering any of his calls or texts, which made sense what with his actions from the night before. What didn’t make sense was why she wasn’t answering Olivia or me.

Anyways, time passed and Olivia and I sat waiting for our mom to come home, but still no word and she didn’t show, well past the time she should have been home. Olivia being Olivia, she texted my mom and asked her if she should call the police (LMAO, oh my little sister). Finally, she responded back (all she said was “no” though). And then Olivia asked if she was safe, and she said yes.

I knew Olivia was getting a little overwhelmed with the energy at home (amidst everything else that she’s currently dealing with) so I told her that if mom didn’t come home by a certain time, that I’d take her out to dinner instead anyways.

Right when we were about to leave though, my mom finally came in.

And as it turns out, she was in the midst of a very serious depressive episode, triggered by my dad of course. But man, it was bad. During these episodes, everything hits her at once and that “everything” usually also entails the fact that Olivia and I haven’t graduated yet. She was defensive, angry, defeated, and ready to fight everyone. Including me and Olivia. So, I practised my newfound knowledge about offering my mom compassion instead of taking everything she was saying personally – rather than reacting defensively back at her, I gave her her Mother’s Day gift (bath bombs, orchids and a card), told her to take some time to herself, take a bath, relax and unwind and have some her-time. She refused to go out and go to dinner with Olivia and I (not because she didn’t want to but because she wasn’t up for it), so I knew it was just best if we gave her some space for the time being. I gave her a hug and told her everything would be okay.

Right before we left, I heard my dad lock himself in his room to break down sobbing. So I knew it’d be best to take Olivia out of the house as soon as possible, because all of us needed a breather from the energy in our house.

We walked to the restaurant so that we could talk and enjoy the weather, which was really nice. It’d been a while since she and I had a moment to really sit down, talk, connect and catch up, so I’m glad we still went for dinner even if it was just her and I.

I talked her through everything that’d been happening, along with whatever else she’s been dealing with lately, and also taught her some ways she could protect her own energy as well.

Eventually we headed back home and everyone else was already asleep. The next day, my mom was a little bit better and was able to tell us what had happened. So apparently, he had gotten very, very drunk despite the fact that all of his family and our family friends were there. And she had to drive home, only… on the way home on the highway, when she was on the ramp, she lost control of the car for a moment and veered off and nearly hit the guardrail. If she’d hit it at the speed she was going at, she said she definitely would have died. But at the last second, she was able to regain control of the car before anything worse could happen, thankfully.

Anyways, this series of events triggered a serious bout of overwhelming sadness in her and that’s why she was the way she was on Sunday.

And Olivia was further overwhelmed yesterday because my mom told her that Olivia and I need to know the details of both her and my dad’s life insurance policy in case anything happened to either of them… apparently, my dad looks exactly the way his brother did when he passed away from alcohol poisoning at 55, the same age my dad is now. I guess I hadn’t quite realized since I don’t see my dad as much lately, but all of his family from his village were appalled when they saw him this past weekend. He’s lost a ton of weight to the point his collarbones are sticking out, his knees are constantly in pain, and he pretty much looks emaciated at this point. But even then, he won’t stop drinking.

Anyways, my mom and even our family friends are at a point where they’re starting to think it’s only a matter of time before my dad’s no longer with us, and that’s the sad truth of the matter. Sad that there are people out there who are fighting to see another day, battling cancer, and then there’s people like my dad, who simply don’t care enough about themselves or anyone else to do differently. It’s downright tragic.

I’m making sure I’m doing my best to be there for my mom and my sister in whatever way they may need. Olivia asked me how I’m doing this morning, and I answered honestly. But I think I’d like to ask myself here as well.

Well, first off, I definitely just feel sorry for my dad. I don’t hate him, I don’t resent him, I’m almost at a point of borderline indifference sometimes, which is definitely sad. But for sure, I pity him. He makes his choices, absolutely. But he didn’t choose this. He didn’t choose to be sick. Hearing his sobs the other day, it broke my heart a little for sure. I know he feels sorry too, and guilty for what he’s put all of us through.

But here’s the thing – I don’t, I can’t… I can’t feel anything about it. Because, there’s no point. Because, it is what it is, you know? Like I do feel, don’t get me wrong – I feel pity for my dad, empathy for my mom and sister. But I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m not attached to any of it anymore. A short while ago, Nadia helped me to see that for the longest time, I had this idea that the well-being of my family was inherent and necessary for my own well-being. But therein lied a hidden mutually assured destruction – if my family wasn’t okay, then I wouldn’t be either, and then I would take it upon myself to do everything I could in my power to make things okay again. It’s been that way since I was a child. Those are the neural pathways I formed in response to the crises I had to deal with when it came to my parents.

But that response usually entailed me setting myself on fire in order to keep my parents warm, basically – I sacrificed my childhood, my mental health and well-being, all to do my best to keep my parents together or to heal them or stop them from fighting. As a child, I felt like I had no choice but to do so.

It’s different now though. I can see that. I can’t salvage my parents relationship, nor do I want to any longer. I can do my best to be there for my mom and my sister, but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, like my dad.

I know my mom’s going to be okay because she’s so strong. But my dad… I don’t know. I don’t know how much longer he’s got left if he continues down this path. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I guess all I can say is that I’m glad I’ve made my peace with him this year and said everything I needed to say.

It really does seem like he’s dying. I know my mom feels guilty about that, she even told Olivia that if he dies, she’s going to feel like it’s her fault. But it’s not her fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. This is just the way the universe works. We all go when we’re meant to go.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’m not… worried. I’m just, at peace. I feel like I’m in between those parallels that Sanjeev taught me about last summer, in between the right amount of attachment and detachment. Flowing steadily down the center of the river with just the right amount of energy and effort.

Whatever is meant to be, will be, in literally every sense and aspect of this lifetime. I am actively choosing not to suffer in order to be whatever I can be for myself and for the people closest to me. I don’t see the point in it when I’ve already come to terms with the nature of my reality. In this sense, I have an abundance of energy to expend towards being there for my sister, for my mom, and still making time for myself and my other priorities. I’ve carefully cultivated which aspects, people, situations or circumstances I can expend this energy towards, no more and no less. I don’t have the time for anything else with everything going on right now because I’m not willing to sacrifice my current well-being for it. It’s a delicate balance, but so far it’s working. I’m not exhausted, overwhelmed or feeling low, and I am thankful.

Welp, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! Much needed though, I do love talking to myself.

Anyways, I’ve got yet another ten hour shift tomorrow which means I should probably be turning in and getting some shut-eye now. And the day after that, I have a really early driving lesson, but then I finally get to have my one day off this week, which I’m looking forward to. I think Olivia wants to go out dancing and I’m all for it, but we’ll see.

Until I write next! Forever grateful to the universe for every single part of my existence, good and bad. Even the bad doesn’t seem so bad though – after all, your perception shapes your reality right?

Love, love, love,

Me.