Day 73 + 74 – March 13th & 14th, 2020

Wow. I honestly can’t believe how this escalated. Like, I knew it would at some point, I had a feeling it could, but it actually did. My store has cut down their hours so we’re only open for six hours a day, but my hours have thankfully not been cut. The world is changing fast in an attempt to adapt to the on-going pandemic. I just can’t believe that this is our reality now. It seems to have all happened so fast. 

I don’t even really know what to write anymore, LOL. It’s just, sometimes I sit and think about 2 months ago and how everything was so normal and life was going on as per usual. I know this will pass, like all things in life, but it’s just so crazy how everything can change so completely in the blink of an eye. 

On the bright side though, despite this barrage and infux of information, my anxiety hasn’t flared up too badly. I do miss my ADHD medication though. I have to make a point on buying it when I get paid on Friday. There’s so much happening at once that it feels like my head is spinning sometimes, and it feels like everything gets blurry and it’s hard to focus on one thing at a time. 

It’s all okay though. Like there’s quite alot of good to this. Because hours have been modified, I now finish at 3 everyday, which means I have plenty of free time to write, paint, read, anything I want to do. Having the world go into a standstill gives me more time to go into myself, introspect, learn more about me and the world around me, and so much more. I’m going to make use of this time to the best of my ability. So, this pause, however sudden, is a welcome one at best. 

Well, it looks like I’ll be writing more consistently too since I have all this time, LOL! And, I’ll have more time to work on my book, which is great.

What a life man. You honestly never know. I’ve never been more grateful for my health, and my body. I’m so thankful for it, and I love myself all the more now for keeping me as healthy and safe as possible. I promise to protect it with all that I can do, too. 

I guess that’s it for now! The party was actually a lot of fun even though a lot of people didn’t show up. It’s nice that we can all still get together amidst all this fear, and have a good time. I think it’s important that we retain some semblance of normalcy, to whatever degree possible, especially during these times. 

Well, off I go to enjoy my time of relaxing and doing nothing! 

Sending love, light and strength to all those who may need it, 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 71 + 72 – March 11th & 12th, 2020

Hello. Today, today was a little bit tougher. In the past 24 hours, all major sports leagues have shut down, schools are closed for 3 weeks, everyone is panic-buying groceries just like I predicted they would, and our Prime Minister’s wife has just tested positive for the virus, which means it’s highly like that he has it himself. Oh and, my mom got laid off from her main job indefinitely as a result of lack of business, so there’s that. 

I don’t know. It kind of got real today which had me a little shook, I guess. I’m definitely going to make a point of meditating more these days and doing self-checks. I know I read a lot about what’s going on but I want to make sure I’m doing my due diligence to take care of my mental health and well-being and that I’m not giving into fear/worry/anxiety. 

It’s so important for me to keep my vibe elevated so that I can elevate the vibe of those around me too. I want everyone to be informed yes, but all of this has made me realize that it’s doubly important for me to make sure everyone’s doing okay, feeling okay and handling this as well as they can. We’re all in this together.

I just can’t believe it, you know? Today I let myself just, marvel at how quickly things have changed in the course of 2 months. That’s all it took. 

Now, it’s all I see anywhere. On the news, on social media, in my conversations wherever I go, with whomever, strangers and friends alike. It’s so important to find the rays of sunshine here and there, the little moments of hope. Find moments to laugh, to be light-hearted, to live life fearlessly where and when you can. We can’t forget all the wonderful things that make us human in the face of all this dread and panic. 

Anyways, that’s all for today. Short brief log! I know tomorrow is the party, but honestly we probably won’t stay for too long. I know that sucks, but better safe than sorry at this point. Until the next time I write!

Love and light always, 

Me.

Day 70 – March 10th, 2020

Hello! Mercury retrograde is coming to an end today and the moon is moving into Libra so I am THRIVING and in my element. It’s a good day! The weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, life is good. I’m happy! 

I just went out today after working and got a whole bunch of canvas, so I am looking forward to beginning a new piece. I think I’d like my first art work to be a painting of the chakras, somehow. I want to capture the light and energy of our innermost selves, the colourful rainbows that we are. And then, I’ll move onto something more detail oriented, like a landscape of some kind. 

Now that I’m actively trying to be more productive, I feel like I’m having so much more fun organizing my time. When I’m not working, I’m trying to get in my writing, I’m adding painting into my time, but one thing that I would like to get into most is writing my book. I know I will when I’m meant to though. I see cafes with patios and warm summer sun beaming down at my back as inspiration flows through my fingertips and into this bb laptop. 

Anyways, since I completed such a doozy of a log yesterday, I don’t have much to write about today! And it’s early, so what I’d like to do is maybe find some chakra inspiration pictures, I’d like to maybe start reading a new chapter from Seat of the Soul, and then I definitely want to unwind and game a little. Yeah, that sounds like the perfect evening. 

Ou, before I go! I just heard some news about Dylan. Luna called me into her house today, and she told me that Sera told her that Dylan has been having problems with his girlfriend. Apparently, she’s a heavy drinker (until the point that she passes out), and recently she went on a trip to Miami with her girls (which Dylan encouraged her to do), but before she left he did something he admitted to his mom that he shouldnt have done: he went through her instagram DM’s, and found a DM from a guy that said “hey honey am I going to get to see you before you leave?” 

Apparently, he didn’t confront her about it (as he did betray her trust by going through her phone), but spent the last few weeks agonizing over it, heart-broken. I feel really bad, because he’s told me he’s been cheated on before and I myself personally know how much that feeling hurts. It seems like he keeps falling into a pattern of picking a specific kind of girl, and I’m wondering if that pattern is revealing itself to him now. Whatever the case may be, I hope that he does find the right person for him, in time. It’s relationships like these that reveal very important lessons to you about who you are and what your needs might actually be when it comes to relationships. 

Maybe they can work things out! Who knows? I certainly don’t, seeing as we haven’t really spoken in depth since last April. It’s almost been a year since we hung out and properly caught up. Nevertheless, I do hope that he knows that he can reach out to me and I’ll always be there for him as a friend. 

On a more personal note – I did see him recently and honestly? Not even a pinch of feelings left, just a friendly warmth. I really am glad he came into my life when he did and taught me that good guys exist, but it clearly just wasn’t meant to be and I couldn’t be happier about that fact because it ultimately led me to finding the person for me. My soup snake, the love of my life, my wonderful, perfect person. 

Ou and speaking of my wonderful person: he’s looking into adopting another kitty baby!!!!!!! I’m helping him search for the perfect companion for his current furbaby, but oh my goodness is this ever fun. I’m so happy he loves animals as much as I do. It kind of lowkey feels like we’re parents, LOL. But clearly, he’d be a great dad in general. A little protective, but in all the best ways. He loves his kitty to death, and it’s quite literally the absolute most adorable thing in the world. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I’m going to listen to a podcast now and then start looking for inspo. 

Adios and love always! 

Me.

Day 67, 68, 69 – March 7th to 9th, 2020

Hello! It was a busy weekend indeed, but now here I am at home and I’m off from work. I intend to make this day as productive as I can be! So I’m going to write a proper log (one that I actually finish, heh), work on the newest chapter of my book, and then start getting ready to head over to Adrian. He’s going to be driving with me today (in the sense that he’ll be teaching me how to drive) because now that the weather is getting better, I aim to schedule my G2 test for either the end of April or the beginning of May. It’s about time I get that out of the way! I’d say I’m fairly comfortable with driving now; I just need more practice, that’s all. 

Light catch-up on this weekend: Chad’s birthday was soooooo much fun! It was so nice to get together with everyone that way and basically have one giant sesh, LOL. It was such good vibes, everyone who came was super chill and easy-going. 

How has everything been with MEEEEEE?!!?!? Let’s do a lengthy, in-depth, no holds barred catch up.

Let’s do it the ways we always have by breaking it down: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically anddddd then general/miscellaneous. Okay, go!

Mentally, how have you been? Well good sir, mentally I’ve been in a pretty good place! I don’t have any “lows” as much anymore – perhaps my consistent take of vitamin D has helped to regulate my moods? Could be! Speaking about my ADHD and anxiety – I haven’t actually been getting anxious about much lately. I do lightly feel the pressure of handing in my petition to York, but I have a feeling it’ll be in by the end of this month. I’m handing in my last CPS to York tomorrow before I go to work, and then once it’s back to me, that’s it. I literally have EVERYTHING I need to hand it in. All I have to do is tweak my petition letter a little maybe. But that’s it. After that, it’s in God’s hands and whatever is meant to be will be. 

About my ADHD – I’ve been off of my medication for about 2 months now maybe. I’m still getting by on a day-to-day basis without it, but the typical forgetfulness and occasional bouts of lack of motivation happen from time to time, noticeably. What I do like about my ADHD medication is that it does stimulate this drive of productivity and helps with my memory, I must admit. I am aiming to get back in it soon, because I do think it’ll help overall with me being consistent about my writing, and focusing on things I set my mind to. Not to mention, it also helped with my moods too! I think it regulated my serotonin? I may be wrong about that, but whatever it did, it helped me to feel happy everyday (like an added happiness to my baseline happiness. Perhaps it was a byproduct of feeling more motivated and organized though!). 

So, mentally as whole, things have been good. I’ve been super mindful about myself, my wants and my needs, as well as keeping an eye on my mental (and physical of course) well-being amidst all this coronavirus-frenzy. For a while, I’ve been following it very closely and informing others around me accordingly as to what’s been going on. But, I think I’m going to try and taper off from that now because I think that rather than informing people, I’m instilling fear. I personally think it’s important to remain informed because it gives you the ability to act accordingly in a timely matter if need be (I do believe it’s best to be prepared in any case rather than caught off guard), and while I myself can personally filter information in a way that doesn’t cause me fear/anxiety, I don’t think others are reacting quite the same. I’ve seen everything from fear reactions to denial (“I’m so scared for myself and my family, I’m terrified of this sickness” to “it’s not that bad, the flu kills more people every year”). 

Ultimately, by informing people on what I learn/know without giving them a chance to seek out this information or digest it on their own terms, I’m potentially doing more damage than good. It’s like how the media is bombarding people with their choice of wording (“panic”, “terror”, “fearsome”, etc.). I get that it’s their job to follow this as closely as they have been, but it’s way of sharing this news that is creating panic. (Obviously not for all media channels, there seem to be some that share information as calmly and rationally as possible). It’s everyone’s individual choice in regards to how they’d like to react to all of this, and if anyone does want to stay informed, I’m more than happy to share what I’m learning as I learn it. But by bringing it up at work or in small gatherings as a topic of conversation, it’s somewhat detrimental to the overall vibe because of the fear it immediately instills for the most part. Not everyone is going to react the same, and rather than incite more panic or fear, I’d rather chime in when I know it can be discussed rationally and calmly. 

I can only control what happens within me, not outside of me. I can be mindful of my own thoughts and emotions, but I have no say over how someone else may react and think about the things I say/do. Ergo, I have to also be mindful about how what I’m saying is being construed during this time and place. While I do think it’s super important to remain informed, it’s even more important to not spread panic/fear. 

Wow, that’s quite a tangent LOL! I guess I have a lot to say lately. Anyways, to draw this aspect to a close: mentally, I’m being very careful about my thought streams and how they influence my emotions. Now more than ever, it’s important for me to remain as positive as possible, (rationally), channel my inner ray of sunshine, and hope for the best. 

Now, onto emotionally! 

Obviously, my emotional state is tied closely to my mental state as thoughts influence feelings and vice versa. So lately, when it comes to my emotions, I’m also trying to be very emotionally aware by picking “feel-good” thoughts, or “feel-good” things I can do. Positive emotion instills a positive reality. It’s obviously very important to allow all of your emotions. But I’m choosing to focus on the good ones as a way of reinforcing them. For example, gratitude, appreciation, little positive things to focus on like how the sun is shining and it’s going to be 15 degrees today. Those are good feelings that don’t deny the existence of less-positive emotions such as fear or anxiety.  

So, emotionally I’ve been steadily happy. Because I’m doing my best to be mindful mentally, it’s directly affecting my emotional state as well. Positivity is actually such a wonderful thing. It’s choosing to see the light amidst all the dark instead of pretending that the dark doesn’t exist. I know it’s there, I see it, acknowledge it, accept and even embrace the dark if need be – but no matter what, I choose the light. I choose to feed the light, live in the light and reflect the light back out into the world as much as I can. 

And now, onto my favourite part – spiritually!!!

Spiritually, with the help of my guides (both non-visible and visible) I’m slowly but surely aligning with my higher self. I forgot how much trust it takes to really flow with that non-reactive path but I’ve seen what it can do and I believe and trust in that process for me. I know with every fiber of my being that I am always, always being guided and that I’ll always know when to act and how. I don’t need to go out of my way to make things happen because they will happen and they will happen in my favour – I just need to be patient, have faith, and know that when it is time to do something, I’ll know exactly what to do and when. I’ve experienced it before, I will experience it again. I am dedicated to myself. 

That’s a word that Radha introduced to me recently – “dedication”. Lately I’ve been thinking about how important discipline is, because discipline is the key to consistency, right? But Radha added a connotation of self-love to discipline and came up with “dedication” instead. We want to be “dedicated” to our highest selves, not “disciplining” ourselves. Sometimes the word “discipline” can be associated with punishment, especially when it comes to our inner child. While it is important to hold yourself accountable for things, we have the ability to do so out of love and compassion for ourselves, ergo “dedication”. I like how gentle this word is, yet captures how important it is to remain consistent. 

So, spiritually, I’m practicing the art of “dedication”. I’ve been listening to hours of positive affirmations while I sleep in an attempt to subconsciously re-program the circuitry of my brain, I’m doing my best to be mindful when selecting my thoughts and emotions, my crystal collection is popping and I’m wearing different ones as they call to me each week, and soon I’m going to buy more canvas and paints as I’m convinced that painting is essential to my spiritual well-being. I’m also looking for a new book to read – right now, there’s this book I never really got into or finished called “The Seat of the Soul” that I have beside me. It’s rather dense and it’s a bit difficult to get into, so we’ll see. I know there are definitely some important lessons in there for me. 

Ou, also! I want to get an oracle deck from Happy Soul because I’d like to start communicating directly with the Universe in case there are messages I need to channel for me or people around me. I was once told by someone who drew my aura that I have empath gifts and latent clair-abilities, and I think I’d like to start honing them. Radha has me inspired, hehe. 

That’s about it for that. Spiritually, I’m tending to my soul as much as I can. Just because I can’t physically travel right now, doesn’t mean that I can’t keep spiritually travelling inwards. 

And last but not least, physically! So physically, I’ve been very healthy (thank you, thank you, thank you Universe!!). I’ve been taking my supplements as often as I can: vitamin C, D3, B6 and occasionally some ginkgo biloba or turmeric. I’m doing my best to remain consistent about the upkeep of my immune system as much as possible these days, so I’ve also been very aware about washing my hands and using sanitizer. I just want to get through this whole thing without getting sick or getting anyone else sick, you know? Aside from that though, it’s important to be aware of your health as a whole, so on a bright side, I’m glad that this whole pandemic has brought the maintenance of my health to the forefront. 

Also on the physical note – I’ve gained back a bit of weight since I’ve been off my ADHD medication and since I’ve stopped working out, but it’s okay. My boobs are back so I’m not complaining, LOL. I fell a whole cup-size down when I was in the midst of the medication! Regardless of more weight or less boobs, I love my body and I have to remember to embrace it because it’s keeping me healthy and happy. It’s doing its best to get me through my days and protect me, so I am thankful for it, no matter what it may look like. 

It would be good to start exercising again though – not to lose weight but because it does boost the immune system as well and promotes a healthy heart and cardiovascular system. Not to mention the feel-good endorphins that come about as a result. So that’s something I’d like to get on board with once again. 

That’s about it for my physical health. I really am grateful, every single day, that I have my health. Now more than ever, health is equitable to solid gold. I’m so thankful, and I hope to remain this way for as long as I can. 

And that’s about it for the aspects! All I have left now is miscellaneous and general stuff. There is something I would like to talk about though that’s been happening lately, but I’m hungry, and in my head I told myself that when I finished my self check-in, I could reward myself with food, so that’s what I’m going to do. I do promise to come back and continue though!!!!

Brbbbbb. 

And I’m back. 

Miscellaneous and general stuffs, let’s seeeeee. I guess more external stuff now, like what’s happening in my life! 

Work’s been good – since I’ve been making the schedule, I’ve made it to be exactly how I want it to be for myself, right down to amount of hours and shift placement. My life has been working out so well and my social life is thriving as a result of being able to plan my schedule accordingly. I’m obviously making time for myself too during the week, but I feel like that me-time still needs a bit of work when it comes to my boundaries. I’m getting there though! 

Also, work hasn’t been stressful at all lately because I’ve been separating myself from it for quite some time. In terms of boundaries in that regard, I’d say they’re pretty great! Anna does stress and vent from time to time because she has to (it’s in her nature), but I’m taking it on less and less these days, which I’m happy about. It’s not my life, and I know that. It’s just a means to an end.

And even though I’ve been more detached, I’m still able to do my job efficiently! I’m really glad about this because I was scared that the less I cared, the less I’d be able to do the work I have to do. But that doesn’t seem to be the case, which I’m thrilled about. 

Moving on – something that’s been happening a little more close to home that I’d like to discuss. 

So about two weeks ago, we surprised Bea on her birthday by having Lianna come over to dye her hair. Earlier in the month, Bea been showing me pictures of beautiful deep brown balayage styles – subtle, yet elegant – and she said she’d do it some time in the summer because going to Sri Lanka had left her a little broke. So, my mom and I decided to get it done for her as a little birthday treat to surprise her since she always goes so above and beyond for our birthdays, (and she obviously so, so deserved this! That goes without saying.)

When I walked in with Lianna, she was so excited and happy! But as soon as she told her boyfriend, she suddenly seemed a little uncertain. She beckoned me upstairs as she was changing into old clothes and asked me to speak to her boyfriend on her behalf because apparently he was caught off guard by the sudden change. So I explained to him that it was my idea to surprise Bea with getting her hair dyed, and he asked me if it was my idea to dye her hair or if she wanted to have it dyed. I explained that she had told me about it awhile ago so it was her idea, but that my family and I went through with surprising her. He seemed okay about it and on board, so Bea went through with it. (I would like to emphasize here that in no way, shape or form was I asking this dude permission to have Bea dye her hair, nor should she have ever had to have ANYONE speak to him on her behalf in order for him to be “okay” with the idea of it all). 

Anyways, SHE LOVED IT! And she looked AMAZING! True to Lianna-style, it was exactly what Bea was hoping for and what she wanted. Even Bea’s mom loved the change. (Mind you, it wasn’t THAT much of a change I must say – like I said before, it was a very subtle balayage that you could only really see well in sunlight). She loved it so much that she even wanted to go lighter some time in the summer, which I’m sure Lianna would have been more than capable of doing for her. 

But. (And it’s a big but). 

When Bea finally had a chance to video-chat with her boyfriend, he didn’t like it at all. He said she looked different, even screen-shotted various angles to send the pictures back at her with paint circles pointing out certain spots in her hair that seemed “too light”, and asked her what had she done. He said he didn’t like it, and even showed HIS mom, who also proceeded to condemn the change and say it “wasn’t a good idea”. At that point, she asked him just what exactly she could do now, and he said “I don’t care, do whatever you want.” 

Now, I’m pretty sure Bea has some anxiety/depression and when it’s triggered, she acts on impulse rooted in anger and fear. 

One day when Olivia came home, Bea flew up the stairs and left both her phone and the TV on, as if she had ran in a panic. And when Olivia went upstairs, she could immediately smell hair dye… 

This was shortly after Olivia and I had both received a message from Bea where she asked us not to tell her boyfriend that she’d dyed her hair, which we both found odd. I was hoping that maybe she didn’t go through with the worst case scenario, but the next day when I ran into her in the morning with the bright light of sun shining through her hair… I could tell it was jet black. 

I waited for her to tell me what had happened, but instead she went with the route of “something weird is happening to my hair, I’m so sad”. I’ve been dying my hair for years and I know very well that lightening your hair only makes it get lighter in time, not darker, so I knew right away that she was lying. It made me really sad and disappointed, but after talking it through with my sister and my cousins, I knew that there must have been some underlying cause or reason that this had happened. And, at the end of the day, it’s HER hair, and she can do whatever she wants with it, so I had no right to be upset. (EMPHASIS ON THAT SENTENCE!) 

The next day when we were both alone, I decided to have a talk with her to see if I could reach through to her. I told her that I knew she’d dyed her hair, as compassionately and carefully as I could, and she finally broke down and told me all about their video chat conversation and what led her to ultimately running to Shoppers, buying hair dye and furiously dying her hair back to black. 

Long story short, she was also having some trouble with her family, and it all spiralled together in a big mess that made her black out and do something really drastic. She was also beginning to have suicidal thoughts once more.

Longer story even shorter – safe to say, I officially hate her boyfriend, LOL. Or fiance? Because technically they’re engaged. (The ring came off for a brief moment but is officially back on, sigh). 

Okay, no, I mean like, he triggered memories of what I went through a long time ago with Don, and Radha also just left a very similar relationship as well. She rose like a phoenix from the ashes and reclaimed herself as a result of walking away, so one night she came over to try and talk to Bea. She explained that she was seeing alot of similar red flags in Bea’s relationship that she had in her own, and how even though leaving was hardest thing she’d ever done, it was the best possible thing she could have done for herself. 

But, I don’t think Bea is there yet. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. She’s afraid of what her family will think of her if she breaks up with him, and she hasn’t even told her mom how much he’s been making her suffer from time to time. And when I say time to time, I mean time to time – one time, he had me call him and asked me, point blank, if Bea was cheating on him and seeing someone else while pretending she was at work. I slowly explained that all she ever does is hang out at home, go to school, go to work, and come home. 

He’s obviously very, very insecure. The problem is, that insecurity magically fades away and he becomes the best boyfriend ever – when they’re together in person (and he’s able to have direct control/supervision over her). That’s when everything she does is “okay”, because he’s there to see it all happen. But long distance is bringing out a side of him she’s not used to and she really believes he can change. That he can remember the person he was when they first started dating. 

That day that everything happened, she’d called his mom out of concern because he’d stopped picking up his phone while he was out, and the next morning he broke up with her, causing her to spiral even more. He holds their relationship over her head and dangles it like a prize – if she misbehaves, he takes it away, knowing full well how much she loves him and how much that hurts her. 

It’s manipulative and abusive. I don’t care if the long-distance is causing it or bringing it to light, I don’t care if he’s a great guy when they’re together, I don’t care if he “never used to be like this” and I don’t care that I barely know the guy – no one should treat ANYONE like this. No one should EVER suffer like this. Day after day we had to see her coming out of her room after clearly crying. Day after day we had to watch her get more and more exhausted. And hearing her cry is heart-breaking. 

They’re back together now, and I’m worried she won’t tell us anything anymore after we’ve all blatantly spoke ill of her relationship with him. It won’t be hard to catch if she’s having problems with him again though, so we’ll see. 

I know it’s not my place to interfere (unless she gets suicidal impulses again or acts on them in any way – she used to cut, and if there’s any evidence of that, as her guardians here we have a moral obligation to tell her family the truth about what’s going on), so I’m just going to trust in her process. If another time like this comes, then once again we’ll do our best to get through to her about him as gently as we can. 

On the bright side, it seems a seed has been implanted. She did let him have it and told him everything she was experiencing, send him screen shots and old pictures from when they first started dating, and asked for that to be their norm again. (Granted, this is all coming from her, so I have no idea if any of this is true. I do hope it is.) 

But she also has admitted she’s felt very lost and unsure of herself and she would very much like to reclaim her sense of adventure, sense of self, and freedom. (Freedom from him and her relationship with him but she doesn’t know that yet, hehe). 

I just want her to be happy ultimately. I personally don’t think it’ll be with him, but it’s not my place to impose that on her. I trust her process, and I hope she knows we’ll always love her as unconditionally as we can, and just want what’s best for her. She deserves nothing but pure love, happiness, peace, and a secure, stable and loving relationship with HERSELF first and foremost, but then eventually someone to love her in the exact ways she wants and needs to be loved. Not begging from scraps from someone who believes that love is control and posession because they’re not self-aware enough to understand how their insecurities are bringing someone else down. 

Anyways, we’ll see how it goes. I just needed to vent about that because it can be a little triggering sometimes, but it’s not my relationship, not my monkeys, not my circus – not my business. I love her, I trust in her journey, and I know eventually what is exactly meant for her will be hers. 

Wow, that was a heck of a log! I actually had to write this over the span of three parts in this day, LOL. But, I was so determined to finish it, and I’m glad that I got to. 

This week is looking to be a good week too – plenty of work shifts to keep me busy but just enough for me to go out and do things. Adrian and I drove around today, I think I’m meeting up with my new sesh squad on Wednesday, and then this Friday is my cousin’s airbnb ting! All in all, may as well get these social shindigs out of the way before things escalate eh? May very well not be able to leave the house in a couple weeks… we shall see. 

(Kidding, but also realistically probably not kidding… but eh, whatever happens, happens! Here’s hoping for the best). 

Love always, 

Me.

Day 64, 65, 66 – March 4th – 6th, 2020

Helloooooooooo there! It’s been a pretty eventful couple days but in good productive and progressive ways. I think now that I have been being a bit more mindful as of late, it’s reflecting into my external circumstances as well. I’ve been listening to affirmations as I fall asleep to reprogram my mind unconsciously so that my unconscious mind will begin to equally reflect the wants of my conscious mind and eradicate any latent fears or thoughts of lack. So far, so good!

I was also propositioned with a situation that tested my inner-knowing in regards to what I’ve been trying to prioritize: another work shift became available for next week and I very well could have taken it. But that would have meant giving up my only day off during the week and also the one day I really have to myself to write, or work on my book, or hand in that Course Performance Summary. 

I went with my gut and decided not to do it, because I need at least one day a week to focus purely on me and me alone. If I don’t make myself a priority, no one else will. So I have to be aware of what I’m agreeing to and why. Money will come, it always does, and I always have more than enough of it. I’m always being taken care of and I know and believe this. 

Anyways, how have things been! I feel like I haven’t really had much time to update me about me lately. Life’s been good – I really am striving to get back into absolute alignment with myself the way I’ve experienced it once before, and I’m getting there slowly but surely. But honestly though, life’s been wonderful. Alignment or not, I’m happy. I’m happy with myself, my self-awareness, my resiliency and the fact that my faith doesn’t quit no matter what (and neither do I). I’m beyond happy with my friendships, my relationships, and I’m even creating healthy boundaries with work! 

So, things are great. Despite everything that’s happening in the world, I wake up with hope and excitement and not fear, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that fact. I wake up looking forward to all my day has to hold instead of worrying about what it’ll look like. I’m excited for life and that hasn’t diminished in the face of everything that has been going on. I’m so glad that I had that talk with myself when this virus first started circulating because now, it’s only a matter of fact. I can keep myself informed and ready without fearing the worst. 

So much to look forward to this month! It’s Spring, and the social calendar is already popping for every weekend – tomorrow is Chad’s big birthday bash, next weekend is my cousin’s birthday house party, and the weekend after that is Adrian’s friend’s birthday as well. Finally! After a long winter, I’m ready to get out into the world and adventure around and be social again, hehe.

Day 63 – March 3rd, 2020

Hello, hello! Today has gotten off to a pretty great start so far – I’ve printed out that last CPS I need for my petition and it’s ready to go for Thursday (which is when I intend to drop it off), I edited the introduction of my book briefly, and now here I am ready to write this log. 

So, Radha and I had this really amazing conversation just now and I want to write down the parts the resonated with me first because she was channelling some really important truths that I needed to remember today. 

First – whenever I’m feeling low or sad or bad about something, the trick, the most important thing I can do in that moment, is pick another feeling. It’s just like Gabrielle Bernstein’s “choose again” method – it doesn’t matter what thought it is or what it entails, just so long as it makes you feel good. That’s how you reinforce a consistent alignment with positive feelings. It’s learning to constantly and habitually choose a happier thought which leads to a happy feeling. 

Second – it’s okay to sit with those feelings and feel them through just so long as my brain isn’t deciding to feed them into something more and a state of being that is wholly unnecessary to me. That’s where the “choose again” method is most important. I can’t keep trying to reinforce my faith and belief if somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m sad and afraid. I have to be honest with myself, and THEN choose again. 

Third – the reason that my life was AMAZING in 2017 and 2018 is because I was in complete alignment with myself through acting on my life force, but most importantly, knowing when to act. I just did this life chart test, and it revealed to me some patterns that absolutely make sense. Life made most sense to me when I was living from a place of patience and excited anticipation, not when I was trying to force things or resist. I have to surrender. I have to let go of “control” and trust that being in alignment will allow me to know exactly when and how I’m meant to act. 

Especially so I don’t engage in any kind of activity that will only deplete my energy reserves; I’m understanding that by allowing myself to wait and listen, that when I do act, it’ll be because my higher self knows it’s time and I’m acting in accordance with my purpose. I can’t stress enough to myself how important it is to allow myself to go with the flow and not force things. I truly have to surrender, in order to know when to act. 

I have to wait. I have to wait. I’ll know when I know. I trust that I’ll know when I know. 

I would now like to focus on making a list of things that make me happy, some “mood-shifters” that I can implement: 

  • Travelling. While I may not rationally be able to jump on a plane every time I feel the urge to, perhaps what I can do is make a vision board of all my travels to look at when I need, or start putting together some dream destinations that will generate good feelings. Even looking at old pictures of the things I’ve done and feeling the feelings those experiences made me feel at the time is a good mood-shifter. 
  • Painting. All week, I kept looking at my paintings and thinking about how badly I want to have some canvases so I could paint, and now I know it’s because of how easily I get in my flow when I’m painting. It brings about this wonderful stillness and makes me happy. 
  • Movement. My body is asking me to listen to it. It wants to come out of hibernation, it wants to move and thrive and live and run. Either I start working out again, or I do zumba at home at least 3 times a week. How can I listen to my innermost self through my body if my body is sluggish and lethargic? Spring is just around the corner and it’s about time I get active again. 
  • Laughter. I need to do more things that make me laugh! Light-hearted comedy movies or going to an actual show or hanging out with my friends, I need more laughter and light in my life. 
  • Writing. My writing is my safe space, and it’s my easiest go-to method of bringing myself back into alignment. I don’t want to treat it like a chore because it really isn’t. Maybe what I can do is start writing affirmations down on my board every morning because that’s a little way to bring about a baseline of good feeling for my days. 
  • Food. This one is a little tricky because sometimes food can be abused (junk food, comfort eating etc.) but I truly do love food as an experience. Maybe I can use this particular experience to learn dedication in a good way – like little treats here and there to reaffirm good feelings rather than giving in every moment and losing appreciation for this sensation. 
  • Crystals, Incense, my spiritual stuff. I love, love my crystal collection. If I make a point to pick a different crystal every day and see what communicates with me, maybe I can make better use of the ones that I have. I know they’re in my life for a reason. 
  • Self-care. A long hot bath after a long day or a little pampering goes a long way with me. I love relaxing and taking time to myself and it’s been so long since I did those little things for me.
  • Reading!!!! Of course! How can I forget the one thing that helped me out so much throughout the year of 2017!? I need to find more feel-good reaffirming books that help me along my way. There’s nothing I love more than educating myself and learning and expanding my mind, and reading is a wonderful way to do that. 

 

There you have it. A list of things that make me truly, genuinely and wonderfully happy. And then there are things that I don’t “do” per se, but appreciate, such as: a beautiful sunset/sunrise, feeling the sand between my toes, cuddling my cat, smelling flowers or the rain in the air. Those are all wonderful mood-shifters too. 

It’s time to stop entertaining anything less than what I want and start dedicating myself to me again. I’m so determined to be the best employee I can be to Maria and the best coordinator I can be to my team – why shouldn’t I be trying to be the best me I can be for me!?!?!?! 

Dedication – not discipline. While I understand discipline is important, dedication is a much more positive word for what discipline truly is. I want to be dedicated to myself. It’s about time I get back to that. I have to take care of me, too. I think lately I’ve been having a time saying “no” to others and “yes” to myself, because I’m forgetting what I need and want. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying “no” sometimes in order to do things for me. My relationships and everything external to myself will flourish as a result of me putting in work for me

Maybe when I hang out with Adrian, I can practice “dedication” by taking a moment to myself to write if need be. Or remembering to meditate instead of falling asleep to a show. That’s how I can show dedication to myself. 

And I can show dedication to myself by prioritizing work less and make it work for me instead. Make it work according to my wants and needs and how I want my life to look. It’s no coincidence I was given complete responsibility over the schedule. I have the ability to schedule my life the way I want it to be and give myself however much time I’d like. It’s time to start consciously using this power. 

Alright! I’m feeling good. I want to be feeling good and mindful about feeling good and open and honest with myself. I know what works for me and what doesn’t. I know it’s important to truly surrender and stop resisting and stop trying to control things. 

I don’t want to focus too much on anything that brings about a lower vibe anymore. It’s time for an auric cleanse. 

That being said, I’m looking forward to this month! Plenty of opportunities for me to both be and home and work on my book, and also get out and enjoy the company of the ones I love the most. I’m looking forward to the magic of March, oh so very much. 

Do I want to talk about anything else? 

Dedication, me. Dedication. You can do this. You LOVE you! Please don’t lose sight of that or forget what that means to you! It’s time to start taking yourself out for dates again, having your luxurious bubble baths, doing your face masks, painting or drawing, enjoying your time spent with yourself, truly! It’s time. 

Love you, so, so, so much, and love always, 

Me.

Day 60, 61, 62 – February 29th, March 1st + 2nd, 2020

Happy New Month! March already feels light and more hopeful than these past two months have felt. 

I kept running out of time for my last two logs unfortunately, and I’ll probably do the same for this one as well, but I can’t let these many days go by without writing. It’s important that I do this, even if it’s a little log, in order to keep reinforcing the urge to write as a habit. 

I’m going to have tomorrow off by a stroke of fate and thanks to the Universe, and I have the whole day to myself. I’m excited, because I’ll actually have a proper chance to write and get some other things done. I’ll be up early too because I’m spending tonight with Adrian, and then I’ll be heading home early in the morning. I think I’ll make a schedule for the day as soon as I get home so I don’t end up wasting my time throughout the day. I had plenty of time to relax throughout this weekend, so no excuses. 

Anyways, I should probably head back to work now since my shift is actually ending some time soon. 

This month will be a good month. No matter what is happening outside of myself, I respect, appreciate, and have say over what happens within and how I react. 

Amen!

Love always and endlessly, 

Me.