Day 296 – October 23rd, 2018

Hello! It’s been a while since I typed one singular date for one of my logs, and it’s been a while since I wrote a log that wasn’t for the purpose of catching up. But today, I found some time to myself and I though eh, why not?

Today was a good day! I took a nice long hot bath, I did some watercolour painting and had a glass of white wine while I watched Gilmore Girls (yes, I’ve started Gilmore Girls – I need some light-hearted clever comedy with a touch of drama in my life in some way, shape or form. Honestly though, I’m enjoying it thus far!)

So overall, today has been swell.

How have I been lately? It’s been a while since I sat down and really asked myself that question, now that I think about it.

I’ve been generally pretty happy for the the most part – I feel grateful for all the good that I have in my life, I’m at peace, and it feels like everything has settled nicely. I’ve started trying to meditate again before I sleep and my dreams are already getting much more vivid, I’m making more of an effort to do more things for me, and I’m doing well to keep up with all the important priorities in my life, I believe.

I think I’d like to get back into my reading though – last year, I spent so much time reading all these different books and collecting so much enlightening knowledge, it was such a good feeling. And this year, I’ve started so many that I haven’t been able to finish. Other than The Secret, nothing’s really been resonating with me as of late. I need a new fresh boost of inspiration, somewhere and somehow.

Speaking of books – my book. I don’t know, I feel like… once I uttered that intention out into the Universe with all of my might, I genuinely felt things shift in my favour. I felt the change in the tides, I felt the Universe conspiring with me to make it happen, opening up doors for me to walk through. But admittedly, I’ve faltered. Why?

I keep thinking, “I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts, I don’t know how to format this or how I want it to flow.” So I keep putting it off, further and further away as I go about my days doing anything but.

Here’s the thing though – if I don’t start, it’ll never get done!!! It’ll always be this vague, far off distant dream of mine that gets lost in oblivion, and I really don’t want that.

So what if I don’t know how to start, or where to start? I have to start somewhere, don’t I? I keep saying “I’ll know when the right time is”, but there’s no time like the Now. I don’t want this to be yet another idea I have that I never bring to life. I have so much I have to say, so many things I want to teach. So many people I’d like to reach out to and help.

I have to believe in myself when it comes to this. I hadn’t realized that those questions were forms of self-doubt but I can see it now. I was afraid. I wanted things to be perfect, to be successful.

But if I don’t have faith and trust the process and trust in ME, those things will never manifest.

It’s in me, this book. The whole entire goddamn thing from start to finish. It’s all there. It’s wired in my DNA, it’s written in my stars, a part of my soul. I have to bring this to life, one way or another.

I just need… I need a flash of light, some kind of big bang, an epiphany, a major “AHA!” moment, I feel. What exactly am I waiting for and how do I bring it about? I’ll keep meditating on it. I’ll know it when it comes.

Anyways, I promise to continue to have faith and trust the process. My faith will carry me through.

Today, I was going through some of my old stuff, and I saw some old forms from 2016. Turns out, I had my very first therapy appointment on October 25th, 2016, almost exactly two years ago. Two years ago, I took a massive step forwards into loving myself. It was one of the hardest, scariest things I’ve ever done for myself but I’m so, so glad I did. It changed everything for me. For once in my life it made me stop running and and made me face myself. And in doing so, I was able to embrace myself for the first time in a very long time, quite possibly the first time in my entire life.

Man, I’m pretty sure I cried through every single one of my first couple sessions. When I look back now, it’s almost unbelievable how much baggage I was carrying with me on my shoulders. Guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, the fear of not being enough, the idea that I was a failure, fear of the future, even hate. I think I even hated myself. I hated me for how much I failed in university, hated myself for disappointing my parents, hated myself for having no direction in life. Everything I was lacking in faith and belief, I channelled into hate.

It makes me so sad when I think about it now. I mean, I’ve done a complete 360 since then and I’m so thankful for that. It’s just sad that once upon a time, I didn’t see me this way. I didn’t love me in the way I love me now. I can’t imagine living my life in any other way but this now though. I can’t imagine not enjoying my own company, not loving myself, not encouraging myself and offering myself compassion.

Does that mean I changed? Can people change? Or do we do we inherently remain the same, in the sense of our “traits”? Are those inherent traits (that may be partially biologically fixed or environmentally affected) unable to be subjected to change? Can we change based on our environments if there is an extreme difference in what we’re exposed to?

I think my overall nature has remained the same – I’ve always been a pretty happy person, I’d like to believe. Maybe that particular trait had less depth to it when I was living my life on autopilot. I feel like my happiness has much more depth to it now. I feel like before, I was a shell of myself, a shell of who I really am. A shadow person. I wonder how I maintained any of my connections to people in that state. I suppose I really didn’t though; there wasn’t much genuine connection to anyone when I was that far gone.

I’m very thoughtful tonight, LMAO. I wonder if it’s the wine.

Today was actually an interesting day – I received two unexpected calls, one from Felicity and one from Avery.

Felicity called to ask me for some advice and told me the first person she’d thought to ask was me, and Avery called to ask me how I was doing. We ended up catching up for about an hour or so on the phone though, which was so nice. I told him about how the cottage was, and he told me about how his past weekend was with his new girl. I’m glad that we can talk like that and I hope it’ll always remain this way no matter what. I’m also really happy that the people in my life know that they can call me at any moment or time of the day and know that I’ll be there for them if they need me. I can’t express how happy that makes me.

Anyways! I think I’ve rambled on enough for one day. It’s been nice talking to myself though, for no other reason than just wanting to write.

Well, I suppose that’s all for today! I’ve got class tomorrow night (my favourite one), my ultrasound appointment on Thursday and I ended up getting scheduled to work, and then Adrian’s invited me to his friend’s Halloween party on Saturday which I’m very much looking forward to (I’m going as Storm and I cannot WAIT to put that costume together!!! Thank goodness another year will be passing by that I’ll still be celebrating my favourite holiday somehow, hehe).

I’m sure I’ll find time to write about all of that soon. October has been incredible thus far, and I’m sure it’ll continue to be!

Love always,

Me.

 

Day 291 to 295 – October 18th to 22nd, 2018

I usually always write a little something on my birthday, but honestly the past couple days have been so incredible that I’ve wanted nothing more than to just live in the moments that were given to me. So, I’ve got to backtrack now, which I’m more than happy to do because that means I get to relive those moments briefly.

Let’s seee… so my birthday day! I was at Denny’s with Olivia at midnight, and then during the day I spent some time with my family before going to treat myself to a little manicure for some me-time. After I got back home, I started getting ready for my dinner date with Adrian, which I was super excited for.

And I was so right to be – it was magic, from start to finish. I dressed up a little extra for the occasion, and it absolutely paid off. The look he had on his face when I was walking towards him in the car was… priceless. It was everything. And he had a gift waiting for me when I got there; he wrote me a lovely note by hand with all sorts of clever puns, wishing me a Happy Birthday and more. And inside the gift was all my favourite things – wine, my favourite kind of chocolate, bath bombs, even a nicely rolled joint LMAO. It was so incredibly sweet and so thoughtful.

And dinner was out-of-this-world good. I’ve never had Brazilian before, but holy crap. I felt like I’d had this amazingly delicious steak dinner, yet I got to try all sorts of different steaks and so much more what with the all-you-can-eat side stations. It was incredible – the food was mouth-wateringly good.

He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole night. He even apologized for staring at one point, hehe. But I honestly didn’t mind. I love that he looks at me in that way, even if I’m wearing old pajamas and no makeup.

He took care of the whole dinner, which was so kind and generous of him. He made my birthday day that much more special, and I’m so glad we got to spend time together on the actual day of. But oh man, the weekend that followed…

Where do I even begin? It’s got to be the cottage. The cottage is this magical place outside of time, outside of obligations, and quite literally outside of the city and all it entails. I’m so blessed and grateful that I got to spend my birthday weekend here; it truly is one of my favourite places on this earth.

Let’s see… well, we got there a little late Friday night, and we all seemed to arrive at the same time so we were all able to settle in at once. It was a little rainy so there wasn’t any chances to go out and about outside of the cottage, but oh man the shenanigans that took place within.

We got some cards against humanity going, and honestly I can’t remember the details all too much due to my state of mind but holy crap I do remember that my face actually ached from all the laughter that ended up happening that night LOL. It was such a good time. I even accomplished one of my goals and finally smoked with my parents!!! Now that, that was a cool birthday wish that came true.

The next day, we spent the day just milling about and being lazy really, playing indoor games and bonding. My soul was so happy; all I really wanted was just a nice quiet weekend with the people I care about the most. I wanted the warm cozy fire and the chill in the air with the brilliant backdrop of hundreds of multi-coloured leaves. And that’s exactly what I got.

And on top of it all? Adrian got along so well with my parents. In fact, they loved him. They could both see how happy he makes me – he was always giving me affectionate hugs or pecks, regardless of who was around. Which I love love love about him, I love how affectionate he is and how easy it is for him to pull me over and give me a warm bear hug with his arms wrapped basically around my head and shoulders since he’s a good foot taller than me, LOL.

He was his considerate helpful self the whole way through – he helped to clean, to wash dishes, even to cook dinner one night! My mom was super impressed and took to him immediately as a result. And vice versa – at first, I think he seemed a little off-put with how… unorthodox my family was. We’re definitely not your typical brown family, I’ll give you that. But after an evening with them, he told me he found them hilarious and that he liked them too.

And he got along so well with each and every one of my friends, and all of us as a group too. It felt like he fit right in seamlessly.

It was so nice to spend pretty much four days in a row with him. I honestly usually tend to need my own space after spending a lot of time with anyone for days straight, but with him? Not even a little.

I can’t begin to explain how amazing it felt to wake up beside him with the sun rising over the trees, flooding golden light through the massive windows into our room. How it felt to know that I was sharing that amazing place with him, especially with it meaning so much to me. There was a moment I took him down to the dock in the last night to see the stars, and the moon was so bright that it illuminated everything else.

And it was magical. I looked at him in the moonlight, under all those stars, and I just… knew.

I’m so completely head-over-heels for this guy. I don’t care who knows it, I want to scream it from the top of my lungs on the tips of the tallest mountains possible, I want to run around and shake people, I want to do a little dance and make a little love (LMAO). But really? I just want to tell him. I want to look him in those beautiful hazel-green eyes of his and tell him that I’ve fallen harder and deeper for him than I have anyone else, ever. That I’ve never, ever felt this way before – this adored and cared for, this respected and revered. This appreciated. And that the reason I tell him over and over again how much I appreciate him and everything he does is because I’ve never had anything like this before. I’ve never had anyone treat me like this before, with the freedom to be who I am and the genuine appreciation for all that that entails.

But I will. One day, I’m going to get the chance to. And that’ll be the day that these words matter the most… because he’ll finally be able to hear them for himself.

All in all, it was the perfect weekend. My friends gave me the incredible gift of their company by coming up to the cottage, as well as some other sweet little trinkets and things that are so me. I couldn’t be happier with the circle of people who are around me now – it’s a lot less than it was five years ago when I last came up for my birthday, but the quality is impeccable. And I much prefer quality over quantity.

Anyways, I’m still in cottage-mode and feeling super lazy, but slowly and surely I’m re-adjusting to reality. Speaking of reality…

So the day after my birthday and the morning before we left to the cottage while I was sitting in my kitchen having my tea, my neck felt kind of stiff so I started to press at it, wondering if I had slept funny and developed a knot of some kind. But, the more I began to press at my neck, the more I realized that what I was feeling wasn’t a knot – it was two very clear discernible lumps, just beneath my skin. I began to press on the other side and other places, but there was nothing except for a smaller lump on the same side.

I immediately called and made an appointment with my family doctor in downtown, and this morning I had my appointment.

My doctor did a very thorough examination, and explained to me that it appears as though my lymph nodes seem to be swollen, isolated to one side of my neck. With some further investigation, she confirmed that none of my other lymph nodes in my body were swollen, which was a good sign. She explained that it could be a sign of possible infection or oncoming infection (which is why they may be swollen, in an attempt to fend off said infection). She then checked my blood pressure and my temperature, and everything came back normal, which is kind of strange – if it is infection, I don’t have a fever or any of the other accompanying symptoms. In fact, save for the swelling and slight ache in my right side, I feel completely normal. I guess that’s a good thing though!

She made me do blood work immediately in order to see if there were any irregularities in my blood (more blood cell count than others, deficiencies, etc.) She said she’d let me know immediately when/if she found anything. She also made sure that I received priority in regards to booking an ultrasound with St. Michael’s hospital (which is so great that my clinic is linked to that institution because it’s arguably the best hospital in the city). So I have an appointment this Thursday for some further testing in order to figure out what the cause might be.

I honestly have no idea what it could be, and I know I keep telling everyone I’m not worried and that I’m sure everything’s all good. Honestly, a part of me really is sure that everything’s fine which is why I don’t dwell on it very much. But being completely honest with myself here?

Sure, I’m a little worried. It’s just weird, you know? I know the human body does all sorts of weird things that usually mean nothing. But you never know. And I’m not going to know for sure for a couple days time. I’m obviously going to go about my days as per usual and what not and not think about it. I’m about as positive as anyone else you’ll meet, really.

I have way too much to do with my life to even let my mind go in any other direction but positivity, honestly. I just met an incredible human being who makes me so happy, I have a book to write and people to help, I’m back in school and happier than ever… I don’t know. I’m rambling. I know everything’s fine. I also know that these concerns of mine are perfectly valid as well though, which is why I’m expressing them to myself here.

I’m just a little extra emotional and hormonal because I also happened to get my period today, that’s all. Hehe.

I promise that as this week goes on and once I find out what’s going on, I’ll write about it. In the meanwhile, I’ve got a Halloween costume to come up with, some classes to focus on and some work shifts to channel my energy into.

Anyways! Life is beautiful. Today I stopped and looked at this breath-taking tree with leaves that were smack-dab in the midst of changing colours from their regular vivacious green to a vibrant red-orange and I couldn’t help but appreciate how truly beautiful life can be in the smallest and biggest of ways. I’m so grateful. I really am. For everything.

So, here I am. This is twenty-six. I can’t wait for all the beauty, magic, love, challenges, hardships, victories, lessons, laughter, light, books, people, moments and everything else that this year of my life is bound to hold in store for me.

I’m so thankful I’ve made it this far. For everything my life has entailed, it’s been wonderful, it really has.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 288 to 290 – October 15th to 17th

Well hello there! I’m currently sitting on a train, barrelling towards downtown in order to partake in what’s sure to become a cherished tradition – my free birthday Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast, at midnight! I’m sitting here and reminiscing on how incredible 25 has been to me, and also according to tradition, I usually write a little summarization or reflection on all the things this year of life brought me.

And what a year it’s been indeed.

I travelled to four different countries, and one of those times was on my own for the first time ever in life. I lost friendships, made a whole bunch of new ones and strengthened the ones I already have. I finally read The Secret and learnt about its power. I realized what I wanted to do with everything I’ve learnt in the past two years of my life. I went through a school strike and made the most of that pause in my life. I got stronger, grew more, learnt more. I met someone, someone I feel like I’ve been waiting all along to meet.

I was re-reading some of my old logs from the past year of my life and… I don’t know man. I’m just, so grateful. Sometimes I can believe how drastically my life has changed in the span of these past 2 years. How much happier I’ve become. How much more at peace and content. All the amazing blessings I’ve manifested for myself, how deeply I have faith in both the universe and in me.

I’m so thankful – not just to the universe, but to me, too. Had I not made this choice to do differently for myself, where would I be right now? What would my life look like?

Fortunately, I’ll never have the answers to those questions. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to. I regret none of the decisions I’ve made, in fact I’m proud of every single moment it took for me to get here, including the hardships.

Twenty-five. A quarter of a century. When I look back on this year of my life, I can say that this was the year that I finally and truly came into my own. The year I destroyed my comfort zones. The year that I settled into my body and my bones, like a weary soul who had been searching for the warmth of a home for years. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. The most content. Truly accepting (and happy) with where I am in life, knowing with the utmost certainty that with this intuition and soul of mine, I will end up exactly where I am meant to, when I am meant to.

And now… I feel like I’m onto a new chapter of my life. Twenty-six. You know, I haven’t really allowed myself to sit with this new number. Twenty-six. Closer to my thirties and further adulthood than I was to my teenage years and early twenties.

Am I afraid?

No. I’m ready. I’m excited.

What am I going to do with this new chapter of my life, this new year? Where will I go? Who will I meet? What will I manifest? What do I want for myself?

Twenty-six. Six has always been my favourite number, and I think that means something. Maybe this year will be one of the very best of my life. I definitely intend to make it so, that’s for sure.

I’m ready to let go of twenty-five. I thank this year for being so kind to me. For showing me the powers of my mind, that I can manifest my intentions if I continue to be the master of my thoughts and emotions. I thank this year for teaching me to be more honest, to strengthen my communication. I thank this year for making me stronger and more confident in myself. For teaching me how to strengthen my inner voice and intuition. I thank this year for showing me some of the most incredible beauty in this world. For introducing me to people who taught me things I will never, ever forget. And I thank this year for bringing me someone who looks at me like no one ever has. Someone who I was meant to meet, someone I deserve.

Thank you, twenty-five.

Twenty-six, I’m ready for you.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 283 to 287 – October 10th to 14th, 2018

Hello, hello!!

Continuing on in the whole “October is going to be a great month theme”, these past couple days have been FANTASTIC. This past week was my reading week, and I finally got some time to myself to be at home and just recuperate from how busy the previous week was.

However – this past Wednesday, I finally hung out with Avery properly after so long. And I was right – something was wrong, I know him well man. When things get difficult to the point that he doesn’t quite know how to talk about it with others, he disappears for a little while because he gets the impression that in that state, he’s going to be a burden to the people he cares about. He admitted that this particular time he was feeling pretty low, (enough to be on the depression spectrum), and things got pretty bad.

But, the Universe definitely heard him out and threw him a massive bone this time in the form of something he least expected – he met someone. Or rather, he re-met someone, after years and years of coincidental “almost’s”. The story is long and beautiful and spans across years and I honestly couldn’t be happier for him. I know exactly how he feels. It’s almost unbelievable, and yet… it’s real. He acknowledged the magic of it all, but is intending to take it slow. I’m so excited for him! He’s about to start a brand new chapter of his life with someone new.

I’m glad things are back to normal with us. I completely understand why he did what he did, but I also made it clear that we’re in our mid-twenties now and there’s no such thing as “being a burden” when you’ve known someone for this long. If we can’t turn to each other now, then what? He understood where I was coming from too, and said he would try to make more use of our friendship when he needed to, which made me happy.

Anyways, later on in the week (the Friday), Adrian and I decided to have a Halloween movie marathon – he told me to pick the movies and that he’d take care of the rest. And he meant it; he picked up some pumpkin spice cookie dough with cream cheese frosting chips (*drool*), and we ended up ordering in some pizza that we ate after smoking up bit. It was such a perfect cozy night in for such a chilly October night.

In between the movies and cuddling, we were talking about the moments we first met and started getting to know one another. And I couldn’t help it, I was so curious – I asked him if he felt like he has, gotten to know me I mean. After the time we’ve spent together.

He hesitated for a moment, and was like “well I mean, I still feel like there’s still more to get to know about one another. But there’s plenty of time for that.”

Honestly, that night I was kind of asking the Universe for an answer because lately I’ve been heavily considering being straight-forward and just telling him how I feel, right to the depth of it all. But after he said that, it made me think. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

Actually, “getting ahead of myself” is the wrong way to phrase things. I’m so happy, so incredibly happy. And I’m also very certain of how I feel, I’ve known from what feels like the start. But, I also agree with him too. There’s still more to get to know about one another, and there really is no rush. I don’t think he’s ready for anything more than what we are right now, but I also know that I definitely make him as happy as he makes me, too. I can see it in his smile when he’s looking at me.

And you know what? I’m not really “holding back” when I think about it – I do tell him how much he means to me, in little ways. I make it clear that I think he’s amazing, I tell him as much as I can how much I appreciate him and that I think he’s the best. In fact, he mentioned that that’s also one of the reasons he likes me so much; because I never let him feel like anything less than special. So it’s not like I’m repressing my feelings or holding back, per se.

And he does the same with me. We’re constantly finding ways to express ourselves to one another.

I have to remember this. Because it’s so easy to fall back into the idea of a “timeline”, or the that things are supposed to happen a certain way at a certain time. It’s not. That’s society’s trap, and I don’t want it. I’m happy. I don’t need anything more than this right now. He gives me all the reassurance I need in everything he says, and more important through everything he does.

Everything is going to happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to. I won’t stop saying it, to remind myself to have faith.

Anyways, the next day (yesterday) was Leila’s birthday get-together at Dave ‘N’ Busters, and it was sooooo much fun! I was so excited to give her her gifts, and once I finally did she seemed so touched and so happy, which made me happy.

Adrian tried to meet up with us, but accidentally went to the wrong hotel (omg, the poor guy LMAO). He still met up with us just as we were leaving in order to prove himself and also to give Leila her gift (he got her low-sugar white wine, so thoughtful).

He finally met Cory, as well as Trevor, and even Shada and Adelaide! He seemed to get along well with everyone and had a great time himself. He liked my friends, and he was happy he’d come out.

There was a really cool magic show we got to watch, and me, Krystal and Adrian bonded through playing multiple games together since Chad wasn’t feeling too well and couldn’t make it. It was a lot of fun!

I have no idea how many times I had to say, “so-and-so, this is Adrian. Adrian, meet so-and-so.” But you know what I realized afterwards? It wasn’t awkward at all! Like, no one was asking “oh, is this your boyfriend?” or anything like that! I remember I used to be kind of worried about situations like that because I didn’t quite know how to introduce him, but it actually worked out really well!

Anyways, that’s about it for this weekend. Yet again, it’s been another amazing week of October. And there’s more yet to come – this week, yes I have an exam this Tuesday. But after that? That same Tuesday, the birthday shenanigans begin; I have the Florence concert right after my exam, the next day weed is getting legalized and Olivia and I will be heading to Denny’s that night for my birthday tradition of my free grand slam breakfast at midnight, the next day is my birthday and Adrian’s taking me out, and then the next day, we all leave to the cottage for the whole weekend! Holy fack. It’s going to be SUCH AN AMAZING WEEEEEK! I’m so excited!!!

Anyways, that’s all for today. I’m going to chill out for the rest of the night and possibly finish How I Met Your Mother. I’ll write when I can! I’m sure this is going to be a week I definitely don’t want to forget in the slightest. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 275 to 282 – October 2nd to 9th, 2018

Okay, I really did want to write before this weekend began but honestly this past week has been so busy with back-to-back plans and events that I’ve quite literally had no time to sit down and bang out a proper log. But, it is now my reading week AND I’m off from work until Friday, so I now have plenty of time to do a full and proper catch-up log (as well as work on my book, perhaps? We shall see!)

I’m just going to quickly list the things I want to catch-up about briefly so that I won’t forget anything as I go in-depth into my log. So, what have I missed? I wrote my exam, hung out with Adrian, went to Shada’s birthday with Leila, Cory, Krystal and Chad, and then it was Radha’s birthday, and then right after that I actually went to Adrian’s friend Mark’s birthday, then there was a birthday dinner for Olivia’s boyfriend Trevor with my family, and then finally yesterday all the cousins got together for our annual Thanksgiving lunch. Phew. It’s been a doozy of a week, but so, so much fun!

But first, of course – how have I been?

Honestly, fantastic!!! Everything has been falling into place so organically in my life that it’s almost become easy to remind myself not to worry or stress unnecessarily. I’m at peace, I’m thankful for every day that I’m given, I’m in the midst of my favourite season, and I couldn’t ask for more than what I have right now. I’m happy.

The Universe has been constantly hearing me out in the littlest and biggest of ways. I have the exact amount of hours I need from work this month, no more and no less – which means I have more free time to focus on school, and to focus on me. School has been surprisingly easy to keep up with, and I’ve actually been doing my due diligence and studying as I should be! And although I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends and going out, it’s not exhausting or draining in the slightest because somehow, it’s the perfect amount of time spent. I don’t think I’d be able to keep up with any more than that. And now, here I am in the quiet of my home, which is exactly what I need in this moment.

You shape your reality. Either you fear this fact and let life continuously “happen” to you, or you acknowledge this fact and take accountability for the power your thoughts have to shape your life.

A couple days ago, I did receive a reminder from the Universe to be a bit more cautious about how much I value my life, as well as the power of saying “no” (which I need to learn how to exercise a bit more efficiently). But more on that later.

So, to begin!! My exam.

I actually spent quite a number of days studying as hard as I could (so proud!) so when the test finally rolled around, I was more excited than I was nervous. I ended up making some friends in class (because I shared some of my test banks, much to the dismay of a couple goody-goody’s who immediately left the lecture hall once I brought them out, LMAO) and we all studied together and bonded beforehand, which was nice.

I breezed through that exam so easily that I’m pretty sure I was the first one done. And better yet, the Universe heard me out once more and made all 80 questions on the test multiple choice without any short/long answer questions (which by some “coincidence”, I didn’t bother preparing for at all). Because all the questions on my exam were basically the ones I studied from my test banks, I’m pretty sure I aced it and I walked out of that lecture hall as confidently as I walked in. All in all, it was the perfect start to my amazing weekend.

The next day, Adrian spontaneously asked me if I would like to go to breakfast with him and since I happened to be off from work, I happily agreed. He took me to this cute little breakfast place which coincidentally happened to be in the exact same plaza of a restaurant I’d mentioned to him a couple weeks ago.

We went shopping around after that, and then headed back to his place to watch a movie (which didn’t end up happening because we got… distracted, heh). While we were lying together and cuddling, there was this moment where he kind of looked at me and went “I still can’t believe you’re real.”

I couldn’t help but ask why, and oh man. All the reasons he gave (whilst cutely punctuating each reason with a kiss) honestly took my breath away. He said it was because I’m the “whole package”, because of how intelligent and funny I am, because of how sweet I could be, because (and I quote) “you have a body that looks like you sold your soul to the devil for it”, because I’m drop-dead gorgeous, because he loves the way my smile forms with its little crinkles at the corner, and because of the sound of my laugh. And he said he had fifty million reasons more if that wasn’t enough, but it was more than enough. It was everything.

I didn’t know what to say back!!! I never know what to say in those moments, LOL. I just promised him that I’m as real as they come.

Le sigh. It feels like everything is falling into place so perfectly, and even more so because of this past weekend. But first – Shada’s birthday party!

After work, I went over to Leila’s and we got ready together after so long, and I even did her makeup which was very cute and so much fun to do. She’s probably my favourite person to do make-up on – she always appreciates what I do, gives me complete freedom to do what I want, and she’s already naturally stunning so it’s always easy to get a look going for her. Not to mention, we both love makeup so much so it’s always fun to do for her.

Once we were done getting ready, me, Leila and Cory headed over to the condo where Shada was hosting her party, and it was so nice!! Very fancy and swanky. We met Chad and Krystal there, and we all headed in together. Even though we were early, it was okay because we were all there together.

The whole night was such good vibes and so much fun!!! Hanging out with Leila, Krystal, Cory and Chad is always good times, I coincidentally ended up knowing someone else at the party through a family friend, the food was so incredibly delicious, and we were all dancing and just having a good time! Funny enough, even after all these years of knowing Shada, I had no idea she was actually half-Sinhalese – which I happened to find out after hearing her aunt speak it fluently LMAO. It was so cute, once they realized I was also Sinhalese they made me take pictures with her dad and her aunt (so typical of our culture heh). And they gave me so much food to take home, which my entire family was so appreciative of. It was such a good night.

The next day was Radha’s birthday party with her family, but earlier on Adrian had also mentioned to me that one of his best friends Mark was also extending an invitation to me to attend his birthday at Drake Hotel that same night even though Adrian had let him know that I already had a party to attend.

This was the first time that Adrian had invited me out with him to something like this with all of his friends (and their significant others too), so I definitely wanted to be able to compromise somehow and attend both. Luckily, Radha’s family party started early and Mark’s birthday thing was way later on at night, so I would be able to attend both.

Alright, to start with Radha’s birthday party: once I finished work, I went straight over to her house in order to spend as much time there as I could. Simone, Radha’s friend from work, also came through to the party and it was good to see her again because I hadn’t seen her since her own surprise birthday party from this summer.

Simone mentioned that she also had to leave early from the party as well because she had work early the next day, and she said it would be no problem for her to drive me to a nearby subway station so that I could get to downtown with ease, and initially I had happily agreed.

Radha’s birthday was a lot of fun too – she’s got this big massive family who obviously cares so much about her and they were all so nice and welcoming to Simone and I. And Radha was so appreciative about the fact that Simone and I came out to her party, so it was nice to see her that happy.

Later on in the night, I noticed that Simone was a couple glasses of wine in and I started to second-guess whether or not she should drive me (or herself) anywhere. But, she seemed fine and well put-together, so I shrugged it off. Nevertheless, right before we both left I told her that I was totally fine taking an Uber to my destination and that she didn’t need to drive me anywhere. But she was super insistent and swore to me that it was no problem whatsoever, so I conceded and got into the car with her.

At first, everything was fine. She offered to take me all the way to downtown instead since we were already so close by and it would have only taken about twenty minutes (even though I once again insisted that she didn’t have to), but she said she had some good karma to collect and said she wanted to. We were talking as she drove, and all seemed well. But once we got onto the highway… that’s when I finally realized how intoxicated she actually was.

We were on the highway, talking normally, when all of a sudden I noticed that she was starting to veer off to the right… straight towards a cement barrier. I literally stopped talking mid-sentence in complete shock, but I couldn’t even scream or utter a sound. It felt like it was happening in slow motion and yet so quickly at the same time. Right at the last second, she realized what was happening and she veered back into the highway lane.

There was so much adrenaline whisking through my body after that moment that I couldn’t regain the words to speak, let alone comprehend what had just happened. But not shortly after that when we were taking another ramp towards the DVP, she ended up swerving so closely along the metal ramp barrier that I was sure we were going to hit it.

In my head, I was praying to the Universe with all of my might and intention. I promised the powers above that I would never, ever let myself enter another situation like that ever again if Simone and I could just make it through this night alive.

Once we finally got to downtown, I quietly asked her if she’d like to park her car somewhere and come in with me for a little while (and sober up). She refused over and over though, saying she had to get home.

I don’t know her very well – in fact, this is pretty much my third time meeting her. I didn’t know how to tell her she very nearly killed us both, and put a whole bunch of other innocent people’s lives in jeopardy. If it were anyone else, I would have been yelling at the top of my lungs for that person to pull over and even though I DON’T HAVE MY OWN GODDAMN LICENSE, I would have insisted that I drive us to safety.

I honestly don’t know how to say no sometimes, and that whole incident made me realize just how important it is to be able to exercise your own voice. Regardless of how well I knew her or not, I should have said something. Not just for my own well-being but for hers as well. She ended up making it back home okay, but what if she hadn’t? What if something happened to her on the way? It would have been my fault, for not insisting that she come in with me and sober up for bit.

Once I got into the Drake Hotel, I went straight to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. That’s how scared I’d been, that’s how much shock was coursing through my body. NEVER AGAIN. Never again.

All’s well that end’s well, but this was a very important lesson to me. If I love myself and value my life just as much as I say I do, sometimes that means having the hard conversation. Sometimes that means getting uncomfortable, saying no, and standing your ground. I need to remember that.

Anyways, once I calmed down enough I let Adrian know I was there and he came out to meet me. He looked so happy to see me, and despite how I got there, I was glad I made the effort to come out.

He introduced me to some of his friends that I hadn’t met yet, as well as the girlfriends of his best friends. He’s got such a great group of friends honestly – they’re so warm and welcoming, they made me feel so included and it was good vibes right off the bat.

I was a little worried at first because this was the first time that Adrian and I had ever gone out to a place like this, and not to mention with his closest friends too. I didn’t want them to feel like I was monopolizing his time since he was meant to be out with them for Mark’s birthday.

But Adrian was so sweet, and he’s so good at balancing everything out – he made sure he was always by my side, yet still spending time with his friends and connecting with them too. I bought his friends some birthday drinks (it was also Liam’s birthday that night, another one of Adrian’s best friends), and it ended up turning into one of the best nights out I’ve ever had.

Adrian mentioned to me that he couldn’t dance, but HE TOTALLY CAN! And quite well at that. I was busting out all the moves and he was easily keeping up. It was so much fun – with no fucks to be given, we were like those typical teenagers who can’t keep their hands off of each other at the club. I loved it – it’s been a while since I got to have that much fun with someone being out in downtown. And being out with him like that made me realize just how much chemistry we do have – even after half a year of seeing each other, seeing his gorgeous smile and having his body so close to mine in that way, the butterflies were endless and my stomach kept flipping.

There was this moment where he went to go buy a drink at the bar, and I ended up making friends with these two girls out of the blue. When they asked me who I was with, I pointed over to him and both girls were like “HOLY CRAP, GIRL HE’S SO GOOD LOOKING!” LMFAO, drunk girls at clubs are honestly the best. Once he came back over, one of the girls told him I was super gorgeous and that he’d better take care of me, and he acknowledged how lucky he was and promised that he would, aw.

We ended up staying out until the bar closed!!! I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that – I usually end up heading out by midnight (because I’m an old lady now). Once the place shut down, we went to the pizza place that I love that’s just down the street, King Slice.

Now, Adrian and his friends have never been there before and they were there solely because of my recommendation, right? And one of his close friends, Lucas, went to culinary school. Once we got to the pizza place, Lucas called me over and was like “so… I heard that you’ve said this is the best pizza you’ve ever had.” I laughed but I stood by my claim, and he showed me some pictures of the best pizza that he ever had (in New York – *gulp*). So basically, my aptitude for pizza was about to be put to the ultimate test.

Once everyone got their slice and sat down, we all dug in. And guess what. I passed the pizza test, LMAO! Everyone loved it. Even Lucas admitted the pizza was good, and commended the extra garlic sauce that they brushed along the crust (*droooool*).

It was so nice to hang out with all of them. I ended up striking up a conversation with Lucas’ girlfriend, made sure Mark was having enough water to drink, and Adrian seemed so happy that everyone liked the pizza (and liked me!).

I went home with Adrian to spend the night, and we ended up getting back home around 4 am. FOUR AM!!!! I don’t think I’ve stayed out that late since the early days of university, but oh man it was such a good and fun night. I was over the moon that I got along so well with all of Adrian’s friends, and that Adrian had invited me out to something as important as their birthdays. It felt like a great step forward, if that makes sense. Like if there was some kind of invisible check-list, we just checked off a box.

And now this weekend, he’s going to be coming out with me to Leila’s birthday! He’s finally going to meet Cory and Chad. I hope he has just as much fun with me and all my friend as I did with him and his friends.

The next day, he gave me a ride home so that I wouldn’t be too late to work (not that I minded in the slightest – even though we basically got like 2.5 hours of sleep, it was so incredibly amazing to wake up next to him). I like how we work well together; I felt so bad that he had to drive me all the way home from Richmond Hill (the buses weren’t running regularly because it was a Sunday). So to compromise, I asked him to let me pay for gas and got him his coffee just the way he likes it (large black coffee, half cream) so that I could compensate somehow for his generosity. We’re good with trading off, and I like that.

This was Thanksgiving Sunday, and when he dropped me off we made a point of wishing each other Happy Thanksgiving and I told him how thankful I was that I had him in my life, and he felt the same way.

Tomorrow (the 10th), will be exactly six months since our very first date, six months from the 100th day of the year when we sat down together for coffee. I know it’s not a lot, but I guess it just goes to show what can happen in the span of half a year. It took half a year for us to get to this point, half a year for me to fall head over heels, half a year for me to know with complete and utter certainty that I’d love nothing more than to see where this could go, for us. It’s been six months of the best dates I’ve ever been on, six months of laughter and amazing conversations, and six months of the most incredibly magical moments I’ve ever experienced. These six months have been better, more fulfilling, and made me so much happier than the six years of both my previous relationships combined. So you see? Time means nothing.

I’m still in no rush to slap any labels on this or “DTR”. I’m happy. I’m so completely content with our pace. It’s been as amazing as it has been because he and I are both so “go-with-the-flow” that everything has been falling into place of its own accord and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

Everything will happen as its meant to and when it’s meant to, just as it has been for the past half of this year. I have complete faith in this, and in us.

Anyways, moving onwards! After work that day, Trevor came over to have dinner with our family since his birthday was the next day. I know he and Olivia have been going through a bit of a rough patch as of late, but they finally sat down and had the conversation that they’ve needed to have all along.

Relationships aren’t always easy man. Especially when it’s two people who are trying to work on themselves, yet share what they know of themselves with each other. When two WIP’s (“work-in-progress” – I’m totally going to coin this term, just like “bruise-y”) get together, they have to be completely and utterly honest with both themselves and one another. If the WIP’s want to make it work, then they have to know, understand and accept that they can’t rely on the other to heal the wounds they have within themselves; those wounds have to be healed for themselves and by themselves, first and foremost.

I definitely think that two WIP’s can get together and make it work – in fact, I think all of us are WIP’s to a certain extent since we’re constantly growing and learning. I also think that sometimes baggage can get a little easier to bear when you’re carrying it alongside someone who’s encouraging you to be your best self. But it’s a whole other story when two people (who are completely unaware that they’re WIP’s with a ton of baggage and wounds) get together and start depending on one another to the extent that it becomes unhealthy. You can’t pass off all your shit onto someone else in the hopes they’ll carry it for you if they’ve got shit of themselves to deal with. And even if they don’t and they’ve dealt with their shit – it’s still not fair to expect someone to heal you.

Well, that was an interesting tangent. What I meant by all of that was – Trevor and Olivia sat down and acknowledged to one another that they’re both WIP’s. But rather than using that as a reason to not be together, they decided to each write down a list of compromises and things they could do differently to accommodate each other while they work on themselves. See? Healthy! And very transparent, and vulnerable. They re-worked their priorities to reflect maintaining school and work (and so they wouldn’t see each other as often as they were before), but also included an emphasis on communication and honesty. They’re both such great people individually and I honestly think they can make it work and be happy together – as long as they continue to be honest with themselves and one another.

So yeah, Trevor’s birthday dinner went great! (Is basically where I was going with all of that, LMAO).

And last but not least – the annual Thanksgiving dinner with all the cousins and family peeps.

We only really ever see each other during special occasions, summer and birthdays now, but each and every time we get together it’s always like nothing’s changed. We catch up, we fill each other in about what’s passed and what we’ve missed in each other’s lives, and then we end up in these incredible conversations about life and relationships and so much more. It’s always so good, and such good vibes.

We’re all in the midst of our adulthood now, in the best years of our lives. I made a little speech yesterday before lunch about how blessed and privileged we are to be able to partake in this tradition with one another, and I truly meant every word; I’m so grateful that I have my little family, and I hope that we always find our way to one another for the rest of our lives.

The food was so fucking good by the way. It was probably the best Thanksgiving meal I’ve ever had – Emily went ham (literally) and made the most amazing corn casserole, mashed potatoes, warm-out-the-oven cheese biscuits, macaroni and cheese, and so many other amazing dishes that perfectly complemented the deliciously seasoned turkey and ham.

Which, speaking of, I’m about to devour the leftovers of as soon as I finish this log hehe.

Each and every day of October thus far as been absolutely incredible, just like I knew it would be. I can’t wait to see what the rest of this month holds in store!!! I can’t believe it’s all been unfolding in the exact ways I knew it would – but how can I not believe it, when the Universe is constantly on my side?

I’m truly so thankful for each and every aspect that my life entails. I couldn’t be more blessed. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love always and in all ways,

Me.

 

Day 272 to 274 – September 29th to October 1st, 2018

IT’S OFFICIALLY OCTOBER 1ST, 2018 AND IT’S SO EXCITING TO BE ABLE TO TYPE THAT! TODAY MARKS THE START OF WHAT’S BOUND TO BE ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING, MAGICAL, FANTASTIC, AMAZING MONTHS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY AND I CAN’T EXPLAIN TO YOU WHERE THIS FEELING IS COMING FROM BUT I GUARANTEE YOU – MARK MY WORDS NOW – THIS MONTH IS GOING TO BE PHENOMENALLY INCREDIBLE!

Yes, my level of excitement required- nay, demanded- that I write the entire first paragraph in all caps as to denote a shouting tone.

It’s been a great start thus far! I spent this rainy chilly day at home, studying away in preparation for an upcoming midterm I have in the midst of this week (which I’m actually kind of excited for because it’s one of my favourite classes and I know this exam is going to be a cake-walk). [Side note – where does the phrase “cake-walk” originate from? I must remind myself to look this up afterwards].

This entire month is jam-packed with so much incredible fun stuff that I must, must, MUST remember to take time to myself to rest, reset and recuperate. I’m slowly getting better from that cold I got now and I don’t want to take my health for granted; without it, I won’t be able to fully enjoy and partake in all the things I want to this month.

Like this weekend, after my exam, I have Shada’s birthday party Friday night, Radha’s birthday party on Saturday night, and then Monday, all the cousins and families are getting together for our annual Thanksgiving dinner and shenanigans which I’m SO EXCITED FOR!

And then the weekend after this one is Leila’s birthday, and then the weekend after that is my birthday weekend (off to the cottage), and then the weekend after that is Halloween weekend, which I’m sure we’ll find something to do!!

Not to mention, during my birthday week I also have the Florence and the Machine concert to look forward to as well as the day of my birthday (Denny’s again? Who knows!) BEFORE the cottage weekend so that week is going to be nuts in itself.

…holy crap this month is literally going to fly by, isn’t it?

I promise, promise myself that I will do my best to enjoy each and every single moment I find myself in, while I’m in it. Or else I’m going to blink and end up in November, wondering where the whole month went. I also promise to write as much as possible as I can within this month because I genuinely don’t want to miss or forget about a single bit of it!

Anyways, this past weekend already got off to a pretty great start – Chad, Radha, Olivia and I went to an overnight art fest in downtown and between the four of us, it was actually such good vibes! We were like, telepathically connected at one point; on the train, we were all standing in different places and not talking but I swear I could hear what everyone was thinking when we all made eye contact (but also, we had a lot of edibles LMAO).

Here’s the thing though – later on in the night, Avery ended up joining us and at first, everything seemed fine. In fact, it was so good to see him again and I so badly wanted to catch up.

But… something was off, I don’t know. Maybe it was because of how loud and busy the night was. Or maybe it was the fact that Avery was being quite mean to Chad, like excessively so. At first it was just harmless teasing, but then as the night went on it got a little much to the point that I had to reassure Chad that Avery was just joking (even though I myself was quite taken aback).

Avery just, seemed different. We do have plans to hang out next week, so I’m intending to bring this up with him in person.

I know people change – no one stays the same over time. But like, it’s only been about two months or so since I’ve seen Avery last. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the meanwhile, but I definitely have to say something next week when we hang out. Especially since it’s super important to me that everyone feel welcome and comfortable during my birthday weekend at the cottage – the last thing I want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in any way, shape or form. Good vibes only!

Okay. One last thing before I wrap this up.

I know I tend to have trouble both starting and finishing things that I want to do. I say I want to do something, and I usually a) never get around to doing it or b) I start it, but never get around to finishing it.

But when it comes to my book…

There are relentless signs from the Universe constantly coming my way, reassuring me that this is what I’m meant to do. I have people giving me business cards of authors, I have people communicating to me via the people closest to me about networking and connections, I even have authors themselves somehow connecting with me out of the blue. Now more than ever, people are reaching out to me and asking me for advice that could easily be accessible through the book I know I can write. All signs are pointing to the fact that the Universe is indeed conspiring with me to make this happen… so why am I not doing my part? Why haven’t I started?

I keep saying I have no time, but have I really sat down and given myself the opportunity to do so? No, honestly I haven’t.

Maybe it’s because a part of me is afraid. Thing is with that though – I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to be afraid. This is what I was meant to do. The minute I decide to really touch pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), it’s going to flow out of me in the exact ways it was meant to.

I want it to be perfect – but it absolutely will be, for everything that it is! This is so incredibly important to me, and I keep saying that, but my actions are not reflecting it. I have to change that. This month is going to change everything.

Next week is my reading week, but maybe I can treat it as my “writing” week too – and really get started on writing this book.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself opening up a fresh new document, and really giving myself a chance to start. And it feels good, it feels so exciting and right and amazing.

I want this. I have to do this. I was meant to. This is my Personal Legend.

Anyways, that’s about all I shall say for tonight! I’ll write sometime this week, probably after my exam but before this weekend for sure.

Here’s to what’s bound to be an incredible month, and to being present within every single moment of it.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

Day 262 to 271 – September 19th to 28th

Hello! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written last, and I’ve got quite a bit to update myself on at this point, but mostly all good stuff on the bright side! I honestly don’t even know what I wrote about last, but I suppose this is a good time to basically wrap up how the rest of this month went – I can’t believe it’s practically over!

Let’s see… so last week, I worked full-time because my team went away and I was left in charge. Did we manage to get that target done?

You BEST BELIEVE WE DID! Not only that, we successfully achieved the target that I personally set out for, which was over-plan. But holy shit, was it ever hard. For some reason towards the end of the week, it turned into an all out warfare between my team and I versus Ali.

He was blatantly trying to sabotage us, no doubt for his own personal gain, and honestly at some times it got really testy. Thank goodness I can maintain perspective and know that there are much more important things in life than just achieving a target in sales, but truthfully the reason that this week became so important to me was because I wanted to achieve this target for Maria.

She reminds me sooooo much of my own mom – hard-working, honest, diligent, with a massive soft heart underneath what seems like a tough exterior. I wanted her to enjoy this trip stress-free because she so truly deserved to be on it for all of the hard work she does. This job is not just a job to her – it’s the way she puts food on the table, the means by which she pays for her daughter’s extensive US tuition costs, and so much more. Not to mention, she fought hard to get me the job I now currently have, the job that pays for all my trips and allows me the freedom to do what I want and live how I’d like.

I usually don’t concern myself too much with my job – I very much enjoy it, but I never, ever care about it as deeply as everyone else does in my department, and I truthfully believe that that’s how I maintain my good terms with everyone, and my sanity.

But this week was a bit of a different story, and I’ll openly admit that I cared a little more than I usually do, all for a good cause.

We did it though! We did it, and then I was able to have some days off from work. Only for some reason, it didn’t really feel like days off – I’m not sure what I did, I know I had school and I was busy and spending time with people and what not. Either way, long story short is that it’s all caught up with me to a certain extent and my body sent me a very serious series of warnings this past week. But more on that later.

Earlier this week, Adrian and I spent some time together after I finally got some time to myself, and oh man how incredible it was. He made a point of holding me close and making sure I was relaxed and stress-free, especially after taking the time to listen to me vent about the week before. He’s so ridiculously sweet and attentive to the littlest of details – he made me waffles, and he was curiously watching me as I cut them into eighths LOL. I like that he both enjoys and notes my weird little quirks.

We got into a really deep discussion about the nature of fear, and he made some valid points that helped me to see fear in a completely different way. I was telling him how much I disliked fear, because I felt that fear held us back in life. He saw it a different way – he claimed that he couldn’t imagine living life in any kind of “-less”. Fearless, painless, etc. When I asked why, he explained that without those things, we wouldn’t quite be able to value certain things. For example, nothing would require “bravery” anymore, if we were fearless. How would we know the true value of an act if we didn’t face our fear to get to the other side? What would courage count for? Being completely fearless, how would we know when something was truly important?

I like that he makes me think in different ways like this. Actually, I more than like it, I love it so and I appreciate so much that we can have conversations like that. I can’t imagine having it any other way at this point.

There were these cute little moments while we were hanging out that I want to make note of for myself – like when we were talking about periods, and how women can get pretty cray-cray during that time of month, and we were joking that it must be impossible to maintain relationships with girls who had it that bad. I was telling him about how I cried over a bug being in the microwave, and how I tend to get rather emotional when I’m close to or on my period. And as though he were thinking out loud to himself, he was like, “okay that’s not that bad! I can handle stuff like that”. (Phew).

And there was this one point where we were talking about our age difference, and I was marvelling at the fact that when I was in grade 11, he was in grade 8!!! (Holy crap I really am such a cougar). And then he was like, “yeah but when you’re 87 and I’m 84, then look who’ll be laughing…” and HOLY CRAP, I was SO HAPPY, but I tried so hard to rein it in and just laughed it off. It’s quite funny how happy it makes me when he even slightly relates to any point in the future when it comes to us.

Anyways, that was earlier on in the week – half way through the week, Maria finally came back and she was so happy about the fact that we managed to hit our target! It was so nice to see such a massive smile on her face, she’d enjoyed her time away in Italy so, so much and it warmed my heart to see her that stress-free.

And then yesterday, Adrian and I had planned earlier on in the week to go to a Fall Fair that was happening close to where he lived. But when yesterday came around…

Okay, this is what had happened. Through the week, we weren’t texting too much (not that we do that often as it is, which I’ve already grown accustomed to). But then the day of, he still hadn’t said anything about our plans, and yet another one of my old wounds came to the forefront.

Once upon a time when I was in my relationship with Nick, there were times where we would make plans with one another… and then he’d completely forget. And me being in the fragile, self-loathing, insecure person I once was, I’d completely break down. All that it meant to me was that I didn’t matter to him, that I wasn’t a priority, that I wasn’t important enough to remember, even if it was just plans to hang out.

So yesterday morning when I woke up and I wasn’t sure whether or not he’d remembered if we had plans, my anxiety got triggered due to this old wound that I had no idea still resided within me.

When he finally texted, I was cautious and afraid. Did he remember? Had he forgotten? Was he going to cancel?

Ultimately, he did remember and didn’t cancel, but even then my anxiety wasn’t going away. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t as much a priority to him that he was to me. (I know, this sounds crazy – but when your thoughts start to take over, it can take you to places that seem completely “logical”, even when they’re not.)

I also think it was residual anxiety from not making time for myself in quite sometime, but nevertheless this was the matter at the forefront of my mind.

Later on in the day when I was finally about to leave, I texted him to let him know that I was headed out. As I was walking towards the bus stop, all of a sudden he called. I answered, and the first thing he abruptly said was that his dad was unexpectedly returning back from his Italy trip that evening, and that I couldn’t sleep over. I was kind of caught off guard (I hadn’t been intending to stay over anyways) so I kind of stammered out a meek “okay”, before hanging up.

I knew that he was kind of worried about his new kitten being at home when his dad came back (seeing as his dad had no idea that Adrian had gotten her at all), so I stopped and sat at the bleachers in the field in my neighbourhood, and asked him if he wanted to reschedule and that I wouldn’t mind at all if he did.

But honestly? My anxiety was kicked into overdrive for some reason. I don’t know if it was because of the way he sounded over the phone, but suddenly I didn’t want to go anymore. I messaged Olivia that I was freaking out, and what she said made so much sense. I had talked to her about it earlier, and this is what she had to say:

“I think if your anxiety is stemming from the conclusion that you came to what you’re not high on his list of priorities (remember, that’s not concrete based on your inferences) then I think you’re holding yourself back and feeling anxious because you’re actually afraid of getting hurt which you can’t blame yourself for but at the same time, not going might be giving into your old fears and retreating back to old you, you know?

Like you said, it’s always so nice when you get to spend time together, but remember to keep in mind that maybe this is his way of protecting himself too – especially after being so fresh out of a long relationship, you know? So as much as he cares about you and you about him and despite how well you guys get along, it won’t be without some obstacles. But, he clearly still wants to spend time with you! And you know that he likes you A LOT. Don’t let that fear overrule all that.”

At the exact same time she was saying all of that, Adrian was assuring me he still wanted to hang out and he was sure it’d all be fine. He even apologized for how he came off on the phone – he’d been sleeping when his brother called him with the news that his dad was flying in, and woken up in a panic as a result.

Olivia was right. I was scared, and not for all those little surface reasons. I was scared because once upon a time, I was the person who seemingly cared more, and I’m the one who ended up hurt in that situation (with Nick). And so as a result, I’d unassumingly developed a fear of any kind of imbalance when it comes to emotions and reciprocity.

I am so completely certain of how I feel about Adrian. Yeah, it didn’t take long and frankly, I don’t give a shit. You don’t go through what I’ve gone through in this life and not end up knowing who you are and what you want from life, what you want from others or what you’re looking for when it comes to being with someone.

I’ve spent the past year and a half of my life carefully cultivating exactly who I wanted to be, what I wanted from my life, and re-working every single aspect of my self and my life that I could no longer tolerate or live with. I broke down, burst into flames and rose up from the ashes a new person completely. Yes, I still have old wounds I’m clearly working on. Yes, there are still some ghosts that haunt me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t see this for what it is.

I kind of feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother – I’m not done the series yet, but from what I gather, Ted is telling the story of how he met “the one” – the mother of his kids, the woman he relentlessly searched for, the woman who fulfilled everything he was searching for right down to the littlest of details that were so specific, it’s almost as though she were specifically made for him.

I’m still getting to know Adrian, but right now that’s what it feels like. He’s perfect for me in ways I couldn’t have even thought I could possibly thought of for myself in someone else – the multilingualism, the way he pursued what he loved in school (his history degree, a subject that I myself always had a love for growing up), the fact that he can quite literally cook my favourite food in the whole world because THAT’S WHERE HE’S FROM. How? How did I meet someone like this? And how do I explain the magic that surrounds this, all the “coincidences” that keep happening, the similarities that we share? From the paper with the inexplicable words that his mom left in her drawer that I just happened to quote, to finding a course taught by someone with my name and his last name, a course called “Energy”, and the course code being the date of my birthday???

Can you see why I feel the way I feel? Why I’m so certain of this? Because, in the past year and a half of my life while I was dead set on rewiring myself, I also began to learn about the Universal Language of the World, the “synchronicities”, the vibrational energy, how to read the signs and see the omens and listen to my innermost self, my intuition. Why did I come across all of that and learn it in the ways that I did, if not also for this? If not for preparing me for meeting someone like this?

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m overreaching, maybe I’m just a die-hard eternal romantic and I always will be. Or maybe… just maybe… it’s more than that.

So why am I so afraid?

Because I’m scared that I’m the only one who feels like this. I’m scared that he’s nowhere near as certain as I am. I’m scared that this is so much more important to me (as a result of this certainty), than it is to him.

And that’s what I was dealing with while I was sitting there on those bleachers.

Eventually though, Olivia’s words got through to me. If I couldn’t be “fearless”, then I could at least be brave. I decided to fight through my fear and go to see him despite my brain screaming at me to go back home.

Because a part of me knows that while my fear is showing me how important this is, it’s also stemming from a place of attachment to the outcome. And I can’t live my life that way. I have to keep reminding myself – NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH THIS, here is where I learned that life can reward you beautifully for truly taking the time to get to know and love yourself, no holds barred. I met this incredible, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, sexy as hell, ridiculously hilarious, bright, positive, honest, and amazing human being because at some point in my life, I decided to do better for me.

And you know what? We ended up having the one of the most incredible dates we’d been on thus far.

The Fall Fair was everything I could have possibly imagined, and then some. Granted, at first I was a little bit quiet because I was still trying to work through the residual anxiety, but as we settled into our date the anxiety dissipated. He makes me feel at home, from the way that he looks at me to the ways that he makes me smile.

Side note – I GOT TO PET A FREAKING HORSE. ACTUALLY, NOT ONE HORSE BUT TWO!! TWO HORSES!!!! Their noses were so soft, omg.

He was so sweet and romantic – we wandered around the grounds hand in hand, and he even asked me if I wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel with him (which I absolutely did). And after we got off the Ferris Wheel, there was this incredibly beautiful display of fireworks over the fair grounds, and he just held me while we watched. Afterwards we kissed, and he said that he much preferred the “fireworks” from our kiss than the ones we’d just seen and I quite nearly melted into a puddle.

And just like that, all the anxiety I’d felt earlier on in the day became a distant memory.

It’s okay if I feel the way I feel right now, and he’s not quite there yet. It’s okay if I’m this certain and he’s not – I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with where I am and who I am. He just got out of five years of being with someone else. We’ve only been seeing each other for about six months now, and I have to bear in mind that he may need more time. In the meanwhile, I truly am perfectly happy with him, with everything we are right now. And again, no matter what happens with this, I’ve learnt so much and I’ve never experienced this kind of contentment with anyone, not in either one of my two three-year long relationships. I’m grateful, and I couldn’t be happier. He treats me like a queen, and in all the exact ways I deserve to be treated.

I choose to see my fear regarding this as a way of understanding that this is important to me. But I won’t let it hold me back, or keep me away from this. And when the time is right and I’m truly ready, I’ll tell him all of this.

But for now, we have this. We have these magical moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

And that’s that, for now.

Anyways, this log took a lot longer than I thought it would! I wanted to mention that everything kind of caught up to me today (I went home sick from work), but honestly I’m feeling a lot better. I think I just needed sleep and a day to myself. I have to remember to keep “me” up there on my list of priorities, or else everything else will begin to go awry as a result.

I’ve got work this weekend, but I’m also looking forward to getting out and about with my friends! I’m finally seeing Avery after like a month of radio silence, and I’m hoping that all is well with him and that this means he’s finally ready to come back out of hiding, LOL. I’ve missed him!

I definitely want to write more often in October – I still have the feeling it’s going to be a doozy of a month, and I can’t wait! I’ll do my best to write when I can.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.