Day 123, 124, 125 – May 2nd to 4th, 2020

Helloooooo! Another Monday, another beginning of the week! However today, I am feeling particularly lazy and I don’t feel like doing much. Nevertheless, I’m forcing myself (out of love), to do this log so that I have a little bit of productivity to my day and therefore can spend the rest of the evening doing whatever I want (or nothing at all), guilt-free. 

This past weekend was really nice – we had a BBQ on Sunday because the weather went up to 20 degrees! It felt so nice to feel the warmth on my skin, just like I knew it would. Now, the weather will be a bit chilly for a little while to come, but that’s okay because it’s May and warmer weather is imminent. 

So, some of my coworkers have gone back to work, which was a bit of a shock. Because I don’t work for the company though, I don’t have to go back (thank God). They’re mostly doing stock work for inventory and also online order fulfillment, I believe. But it made me think about that dreaded moment of when everything will begin to open up again. 

I’m not ready to go back to real life!!! I’ve been enjoying this free time so much. I’ve been enjoying my free time, my painting, going back to reading, having my days to myself and being free to do whatever I please whenever. WAAAAAAAAA- 

I know, I’m being a big 27-year-old baby. But man. This has been so wonderful. Not having to worry about anything aside from, “what should I do next?” in the present moment of my day-to-day. Le sigh. 

I have to find a way to be able to prioritize my self and my time when I do go back to work. I don’t want to let this go; my creative side is flourishing and thriving and it makes me happy. I’m happy to be doing all these things that I’m passionate about. It makes my soul feel complete. 

I really do have to take advantage of this time. Get everything out of the way that I can, while I can. That means my petition. That means finally getting it organized and handing it in. 

Here’s my thing though. I know for a fact that this life works best when you’re relentlessly and passionately pursuing the things that make you happy. I would love my psych degree, but I want it on my own terms. I want it if I can have it because I want it – not because I need it. I don’t want it to be a means to an end, or the only reason I can get a career. In fact, I’m not even sure I want one of those either. 

I want a fantastic life. Of travelling, living, loving, writing. Am I dedicated enough to that dream? Do I have the courage to set everything aside to pursue that relentlessly? I don’t know. And if that’s my answer, then the real answer is no. Not right now. Not yet, anyways. But I know what makes me happy. Effortlessly, effervescently happy. 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for. A sign, a stroke of inspiration, a lightning bolt of motivation. 

I’ll know when I know I guess. It’s happened before that way, and I have faith that when it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Whatever “it”, is. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today! I do have a list of things I’d like to get done today, so I’m going to attempt to do some of that. Until tomorrow!

Love always, 

Me. 

Nope, I lied. I’m back. I just had one of those moments that I was looking for. 

You know the one thing I didn’t add to my list of things that I want to do that I know I should have? My book. MY BOOK. The one I’ve been meaning to write for YEARS.

I’m going to be hella honest with myself right now. You wanna know why I haven’t been trying? BECAUSE I’M SCARED. 

I’m terrified, somewhere deep down. I’m paralyzed by it. I’m scared that this is an idea that’s already been done, and done better, and done enough. I’m scared that it won’t reach the people that it’s meant to. I’m scared that it won’t make it the way I’m hoping in my heart it will. I’m scared to make it my baby, only to have it all fall apart. So I just let the idea be, even though it keeps knocking at my door at every possible opportunity. 

Every book I’ve read recently, including the one I’m currently reading, is telling me exactly what I need to hear. Shonda Rhimes says that dreams are for sleeping – success is for the people who do. And she’s right. She made her life what it was, not by dreaming it, but by working towards it with every ounce of her strength, dedication and perseverance. She lived and breathed her work. She laid her stories down, track by track by track until her mind hummed and everything else fell away. She created a universe within herself, and now she literally has a world of her own called “Shondaland”. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is. 

And now, Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is taking me by the hand, however begrudging I may be, and she is showing me the truth. That, ideas float around us constantly. They give us signs, synchronicities, and so much more in an attempt to bring themselves to life through us. They are not our masters, but our collaborators. They know that we have the tools to bring them into existence. Only… if you wait long enough, if you hesitate, if you hem and haw and say “I don’t know” and doubt yourself… the idea will float away, and it WILL come to life through someone else. 

There are many, many people on this earth. There are also many ideas. Chances are, the same ideas you’re sitting on, mulling about, are the same ones that people are working their asses off on bringing to life. The idea for that business you have, or that project or, in my case, my book. I am unique, yes, as is my story. But that doesn’t mean that that idea is all my own right now. There could be someone out there who’s mulling over the same idea. 

I can’t stew over this anyone. I can’t keep making the same excuses; “I need quiet”, “I need inspiration”, “I need to be away from my family”, “I want to work in a coffee shop”, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The truth is, I just need to do it. I need to DO IT. I need to sit down, and set aside an amount of time every day that I’m given, stop doubting myself, and JUST. DO. IT. Nike was obviously on to something here.

I can let fear come with me on this journey because I understand that the fear only means that this is something that is important to me. But, I can’t let it drive this bus anymore or else we’ll never get anywhere. It’s time to as fear to kindly take a step back, and let me and my creativity steer the way now. 

Every single synchronicity I have been given, from the pens to the people to the stories, every book I’ve come across that has found me – all of those things keep telling me the same thing. WRITE YOUR BOOK! WRITE AND DON’T STOP WRITING!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!

The Universe is here to help me with this. It will guide me. I will put my faith in it, as I always do. But now, it’s also time to have some faith in me. To have faith in my story, and in my message, and know, somewhere, somehow, it’ll reach who it is meant to. I have to believe in myself. That is probably one of the greatest acts of self-love I could ever do, for me. I have to believe.

I bolded that part because I’m tired of having this same stroke of inspiration, only to have fear take over the wheel of the bus again, quietly. I love every part of myself, including my fear and anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that I have to let them take control of my life. My creativity knows the way. I know the way. I can do this. 

That’s all I wanted to add today. Now, I’m just going to rest and relax. Tomorrow… I start again. All that matters is every chance that we’re given to begin anew. And I intend to. I WILL. 

Love, faith, hope and belief always, 

Me.

Day 122 – May 1st, 2020

GOOD MORNING ITS MAY!!! LOL. 

I honestly cannot believe that it’s the first of May. March and April just doesn’t feel like they “existed” – ever since March, these past couple months have just felt like one long month. Time has passed by so fast despite being at home and taking things one day at a time. Is that a thing? Does being present make time feel like it’s going by that much quicker? I wonder. 

Well, it’s a new month! Which means new opportunities, new chances to grow, new things to learn and new ways to challenge myself! I’m looking forward to it all. I’m also looking forward to being able to have my tea/coffee outside on our patio in the quiet moments of the morning as the sun gains warmth. Ahh. I can already feel the heat of it on my skin, warming me to my core. 

You know, despite what’s going on, in my heart of hearts I’m hoping that they’ll implement proper physical distancing guidelines throughout the summer and open up beaches or parks. I’m sure people by now will have learnt to be safer and more conscientious, no? Maybe I’m being naive. I just can’t imagine a summer without being able to take a random day trip to Wasaga, or heading out to a park as the sun is setting and casting that golden summery light on everything. 

Worst case scenario, if things don’t open for this summer, we always have the cottage to escape to. My mom is planning on asking Elizabeth if we can go up more frequently this summer, and I don’t see why she’d say no. We always leave it in the most pristine condition, and I know Elizabeth appreciates all the ways my mom takes care of the cottage too. So we’ll see! I have a good feeling that I’ll be seeing plenty more of the cottage as time goes on these next couple months. 

And even then, it’s more than enough that we’ll be getting warm weather! We’ll find a way to make summer feel like summer even if parks and beaches don’t open up. There’s always BBQ’s at home, the patio at my house, and walks to be had, even if it’s just around the neighbourhood. We’ll see what’s meant to be! 

Weekends always feel like the start of another week to me now. I think it’s because I spent most of the week with Adrian, and then head home for the weekend to spend time with my family. Either way, I’m excited to head back home and hang out with everyone. Maybe I haven’t gone completely crazy yet because of the fact that I get to balance seeing my family with being at Adrian’s, LMAO. Gives me a chance to actually miss my family and miss being home. 

Anyways, I think I shall get back to my painting after this! Yesterday, it took me like 3 hours to paint a couple fishes but the end result made me so happy :’). I love painting, I love little details, and I love how it makes my brain go nice and quiet. It honestly feels like true meditation to me. 

Le sigh. Life is good. It’s amazing, and I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, thank you Universe. 

I guess that’s about it for today! I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write this weekend as things usually get pretty busy when we’re over at my place, but if not, I most definitely will come next week. Until next time!

Love always and with all I am,

Me.

Day 121 – April 30th, 2020

Hellooooooo! Another fine day. It’s raining, but that’s quite fitting as it’s… THE LAST DAY OF APRIL! Wow. That happened really, really fast. Tomorrow… IT’S GONNA BE MAY *NSYNC TUNE* (LOL). 

And right off the bat, we’re having some wonderful weather – this weekend, it’s going up to 19-21. FINALLY!! Thank the Lord!! It’s about time we get some sun and warmer weather. We need that vitamin D and we need that warmth!! I also can’t wait to see all of the trees, flowers and other various foliage come to life! Spring is maybe one of my least favourite seasons because of my allergies, but I do appreciate the beauty of it. 

What am I up to today? Well, I’ve finished my book already, so that’s no longer an option heh. I must say – I’d highly recommend “Year of Yes” to anyone who’s trying to step out of their comfort zone or live a more fulfilling life. It was super inspiring to read Shonda Rhimes’ story; for someone who was accomplished as she was, it’s amazing to see that she recognized that success was not enough and that she wanted to be genuinely happy amidst everything she’d achieved externally. Such a good book! 

I think what I’ll do today is paint for a little while. I think the Moon was just in Cancer (so my moon sign was at home) because I am in my feels and feeling that creative energy! I also really like how rainy it is outside, it sets this nice comfy mood for painting. 

I guess that’s about it for today! Tomorrow, Adrian and I are returning back to my place because Trevor is cooking a full traditional Turkish meal. Man, I may miss travelling, but with all this amazing food I’ve been getting to eat (Mexican, Italian, Southern and now Turkish), it feels like we’ve been travelling anyways, LOL. I’m enjoying all this amazing food (and I’ll lose the weight eventually, heh). 

For now, I’m going to set up my paint stuff, maybe smoke a little, and get into my creative zone where my mind settles into that soothing hum of silence and magic. Until tomorrow morning! 

Love always, love everywhere, love all the time, 

Me.

Day 120 – April 29th, 2020

Good morning to meeeee! So I’m currently at Adrian’s, and this is going to be the first day of my proper test run of being more productive and having more of a routine going while I’m with him. So far, so good – I pulled out my laptop to write a log, I have “Year of Yes” beside me which I’m intending to read, and I have all the paints I need to actually get some more work done on my painting! All of which I can do while he’s working, and once he’s done, we can spend the evening together as always and I will feel more balanced as a result of having done things that I enjoy throughout the day. Huzzah!

I don’t have too much to write here today, I believe. Although, I was kind of thinking about astrology lately – it’s Taurus season now, the time of grounding and earth and solidity. I wonder if that’s why I had such an urge to garden with my bare hands yesterday, LOL. It was so nice though; I planted some flower seeds in the little garden area we have out front with some fresh soil, and I’m hoping they’ll start blooming once the weather starts getting warmer. I also want to get more house plants to take care of indoors, like an aloe plant and some new orchids. Man, I really am thankful for all this time. I’m doing things I’ve always wanted to invest my time into, but never had a chance. Here’s hoping my newfound green-thumb is fruitful! (Hehe). 

I guess that’s it for today! I’m looking forward to reading more of my book, and hopefully painting in the afternoon. Until tomorrow’s log then! 

Love always and infinitely,

Me.

Day 119 – April 28th, 2020

Hello, hello! Another day of quarantine yet again, but life is good. So after my log yesterday, I did indeed organize all the tasks I’d like to take on or projects I’d like to complete, and where/when/how I can do them. I’m ready to go! I’ve also picked some books to read – yesterday, I got through the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which was made into a movie (that I watched recently). It’s pithy, dry but also sincere at the same time. It was also written by two people who actually wrote for the show Sex and the City, which I’m currently watching, so I figured it was a fitting read. 

It was a quick book though, so now I have begun reading Shonda Rhimes’ book “A Year of Yes”, and I love it so far! I love her writing style – it’s like she directly writes her stream of thought onto pages, so it’s almost as though I’m hearing her inner voice in my head. It’s exactly how I’d like to write my own book, actually. Personalized and flowy, in order to tell my story in my own way. I can’t wait to keep reading! I also have Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book on the way, “Big Magic”. I very much resonated with “Eat, Pray, Love”, so I’m looking forward to reading her new work. 

I’ve also found my old dream journal! It’s got these cute little prompts that help you to remember the details of your dreams, which I love. I’ve been having super vivid dreams lately, and sometimes more than one in a night. Apparently “quarantine dreams” are actually a thing though; because we’ve been sleeping much more than we used to, our REM cycles have also elongated as a result. Therefore, we’re having more dreams than usual. Also, since we’re living through unprecedented surreal circumstances like this pandemic, it translates into our dreams. Hence why they’re extra vivid, and sometimes extra weird. I’ve been enjoying my dream sagas thus far though. I’ve dreamt about everything from superheroes to going to a water park with my family to even watching an episode of the Office (an episode that doesn’t exist… my brain was “pitching” an idea and honestly, it wasn’t very good LMAO). 

I’m glad I found the journal so I can keep better track of my dreams. Sooner or later, I know I’ll get that point where I’ll be easily lucid dreaming, or become aware/conscious as I’m dreaming. I love dreams like that. Where it’s almost as though you “wake up” in your dream and become aware that you’re dreaming. It’s such an interesting feeling. 

Anyways, that’s about it for today I suppose! Adrian is picking me up today to bring me over to his place, so after this log I’m going to go get the paints that I know I need to continue with my painting, and pack whatever else I may need accordingly. 

In other exciting news – because I won all that money playing online with a tiny bit of government money (hehe thank you government), I decided to splurge and buy a whole bunch of skincare stuff, and I also treated Bea and Olivia to whatever the hell they wanted off of Amazon. Now, we’re armed to the teeth with all sorts of cool stuff like pure virgin coconut oil, facial scrubs, gold eye masks, super hydrating moisturizers, etc. I’M SO EXCITED!! I really want to make skin care a priority during this time – I’ve been so makeup free lately that my skin is really healthy, but I want to take it a step further. 

I have pretty dark under-eye circles and some fine lines that I’d like to get rid of (probably from not properly putting SPF lotions on my face when I travel and stuff). I’m turning 28 this year (WTF) so I think it’s about time I start taking proper care of my skin as to not look as old as I’m turning, LOL. I’d like to age ~gracefully~. I can’t believe I’m almost 30. I do not feel almost 30. I think I still feel like 25-26 maybe. I’m “old”, but I don’t feel “old”. I like playing Mario Kart on my switch, I am a giant child, and I don’t have a career or mortgage. But, I’m cool with that. I think I’m pretty responsible for the most part. When I have to be. I can “adult” if necessary. 

Either way, I think “adulting” is just a series of actions/decisions that allow you to pass off as though you actually are “adulting”. Some taxes here, bill payments there, buy/rent a place, pop out some babies and bam, that’s adulting. Aside from that, it’s mostly just figuring things out as you go along, isn’t it? Isn’t that what life is as a whole? So, I’m not going to worry about what I may be doing “right” or “wrong” when it comes to where I “should” be in life regarding my age. To quote my favourite movie, “hang the code and hang the rules! They’re more like “guidelines” anyways!” 

Anyways, this went off on a strange tangent (thank you, ADHD), so I shall draw this to a close now. I’m glad I’m writing more frequently – here’s hoping it lasts! 

I’m glad that I’ve decided to be more productive about my quarantine time and that I’m actually acting upon it. I feel like I’ve had my fill of allowing myself to do absolutely nothing and anything that I wanted without structure or time frames, and I very much enjoyed that. But true to form (and my sun sign Libra), I know myself and I know I need balance in my life. Too much of anything can sometimes become a bad thing. It’s all about moderation and balance. 

I guess that’s it for today! Until next time. 

Love, love, love and tons of light, 

Me.

Day 118 – April 27th, 2020

Hello! I woke up this morning early for the first time in a while, and I feel super refreshed! Amazing what a little time away in nature can do for you. I also feel super excited and motivated! I’m looking forward to getting myself organized today after I write this log. We also have a set time tonight to group-chat with all the cousins. We missed Easter weekend, which is usually the weekend where we’re all reunited with each other and we end up doing some spontaneous shenanigans, so I thought it would be nice to hold a conference call and catch up. So that’s what’s in store for me today. 

Now, it’s time to ~organize~ everything. I want to categorize all the projects or hobbies I’d like to do, how I’d like to designate my time to them, and where. I think what I’ll do is get a notebook and create a Venn diagram to visualize better. I’ve always been a more visual learner. I also want to get an agenda so I can start organizing my days better and keep track of what day it is LOL. 

I guess that’s about it for today! After I finish this log, I’m going to draw the Venn diagram, figure out which projects I’d like to begin + see through, order an agenda, and then pick a new book to read and get a new book list going. Huzzah!

I’ll write tomorrow for sure, even if it’s a short log. Time to get this habit up and going again! 

Love always and light to all, 

Me.

Day 115 to 117 – April 24th to 26th, 2020

Okay, I have to, have to write a proper log today. One where I don’t get distracted by other things or walk off and forget to finish. Plus, there’s so much write about and talk about it! 

First off – we finally managed to make it to the cottage this past weekend! And we were super lucky to have such wonderful weather too. I was honestly a little nervous about getting up there after our last attempt, but it seemed as though this time it was meant to be. 

We spent the day out in the sun, canoeing, and I even jumped in the lake! Holy fuck it was freezing – the lake probably has just melted from being frozen, so I imagine that that’s what it feels like to “polar dip”. It was so invigorating though; the adrenaline rush that came with plunging into the icy depths of the water was unbelievable. It literally took my breath away, LOL. 

It was nice to finally get out of the city and “self-isolate” somewhere else. For this weekend, for a brief moment, it almost felt as though the pandemic wasn’t a thing. I actually kind of forgot – we stopped at Tim’s like we always do after we got out of the woods, and the drive-through line-up was ridiculous. So I suggested we go inside, only to realize a split second later that we couldn’t because they weren’t serving customers face to face anymore. Such a weird moment! We barely even mentioned it once this past weekend, I also think that’s why. Usually it’s a main topic of conversation these days. But it was refreshing to go a couple days without it. 

Anyways, that’s about it regarding this past weekend! I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by. At the end of this week, it’ll already be May! It feels like time is passing by so fast, which is weird because we’re all at home and life is at a standstill. Funny how that works, eh? I guess time flies when you’re having fun, and I honestly have been! It’s been so nice to not have any major responsibilities. There’s like a little me in my head that cringes as I say that because there’s that hardwired part of me that knows I have responsibilities regardless but hey – when in life are we ever going to have a moment like this? 2-3 months to literally just stay home with your family, eat good food, go for walks, do whatever the hell you want, binge things for 24 hours straight, or start 3498384 projects just because you can!? 

I just want to know that I’m making the most of this time, and I genuinely think I am. I’m scared about going back to the real world after this, but that’s life and no matter what, I have the capacity to shape it into exactly what I want it to be. The trick is, I have to know exactly what I do want. What do I want my life to look like after quarantine ends? It may most likely happen during summer, or may not even happen at all until August-September. But in between now and then, I need to know what direction I’d like the course of my life to head in. 

So, as fun as it has been to just binge shows and movies, stay up late doing whatever I want, start writing and reading and painting again, I also owe it to myself to self-reflect and write more meaningfully to myself so that I can do things in preparation for what’s to come once the new normal begins and the quarantine ends. On the other hand though, I have been enjoying myself and I have been very present, so I’m happy about that either way. 

But yeah, I have all this restless energy now! It’s like, I have all this motivation and it’s all scattered everywhere (that’s the ADHD in me I suppose, LOL). Hence why I always start stuff and have these bursts of energy but I get bored easily and start something else. Ah, the novelty effect. I was on my medication for a little, but it was way too strong for just sitting at home. I guess I could try again and see how it goes! Like, I want to finish my painting, or I want to spend a week actually dedicated to writing my story. And I don’t want anything to be on my mental table at all (aside from mind-quieting hobbies) when I start writing my book for real. 

I think because I’ve been back and forth between Adrian’s and my place, it’s been hard for me to get a routine going. When I’m at Adrian’s, I mostly just chill in his bed and watch shows. Although, he does make space for me to paint and write too. But when I’m home, I have the freedom to roam around, set up whatever I want in my own space, or if I feel like reading I can grab a book off of my shelf. Hmm. I need to find my middle way between the two. 

Maybe what I can do is separate my projects into categories: projects I can work on properly when I’m at Adrian’s, and projects I can work on from home. I know all the things I want to do – it’s just a matter of designating the when, where and how. Sometimes those things can overlap too, but again, it’s just a matter of organization. 

For example: I can spend some time at Adrian’s writing (both personally and story-wise), since my laptop is so small and portable. He also sets up his desk for me to paint, and the window beside his bed gets plenty of light so it’s actually an ideal set-up. I just need to prepare the exact colours I know I’ll need for whatever portion of the painting I decide to work on, before I go over to his house. I can also work on my meditation, because that’s something I can do no matter where I am. 

And then when I’m home, I can do those things, but also what I can do from home is: work on organizing my petition officially so I can hand it in, pick some new books to read, clean out/organize my closet, take bubble baths, workout/learn yoga, maybe even start up my makeup instagram again! 

There are definitely things that fall into both locational categories, but again, it’s all about organizing what exactly I’d like to do, before I go to Adrian’s. That way, I get a good balance of “routine” or productivity, and then I get to wind down and spend my evenings with him after he’s done work. It’s different being home because I can easily balance out my “productive tasks” with my “leisure time”. It was a bit more difficult doing so at Adrian’s because all the time felt like leisure time LOL. But that can get tiring after a while and I’m realizing that it actually is important to have some semblance of motivation or purpose, at least some times. It keeps the cogs going, blood pumping, etc. I don’t want to become complacent, lethargic or go into autopilot mode during this time. A healthy balance is key.

It’s time to really and truly take care of myself, in all ways!! I know I’m doing well and I’m grateful for where I’m at, but now I can really focus on that maintenance. It’s like having a plant – even if it’s blooming and growing well, it’s important to prune it and get rid of dead leaves to make sure it grows even healthier! (Which reminds me, gardening is another hobby I’d like to add to the list hehe). 

Maybe I’ll even order an agenda again so I can start keeping track of my days. It’s a bit of a bummer (but also not) that April has flown by completely and I haven’t really written or finished anything that I’ve started. I’m not judging myself for it, but the inner me that’s really excited about all these things knows I can use this time more wisely and I owe it to myself (out of self-love) to do so! Dedication, not discipline. 

Anyways, I guess that’s about it for today. It’s a new week, and I’m looking forward to implementing this new plan! I’m also home tomorrow, so maybe what I can do is narrow things down and write out that category/list so I know how to prepare for everything else. Hooray for motivation and excitement! 

I still have more I’d like to write about as well. Until tomorrow then!

Love always and infinitely, 

Me.