Day 71 – March 12th, 2017

Okay so, it’s technically actually March 13th, but I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge watching Vampire Diaries, so, here I am. Even though I’m technically going to have to wake up in about 4 and a half hours to get ready for Monday… LOL.

I have a lot to look forward to this week. But also, I’ve been doing that thing where I’m living in a bubble full of the things I like rather than the things I should be dealing with.

I just wanted to point that out to myself now. I know that the main point of this week is fun and frivolity, but reality is going to always be there and I need to keep that in mind.

Anyways, today was a good day! I had work with some of my favourite coworkers, but I realized something today. I get a lot of anxiety being there. Like I internalize the energy and the vibes I encounter there and bring it home with me and I don’t like it. I need to start working on a proper defense mechanism in order to protect myself from the emotional shrapnel of that place so I don’t become a casualty. Like, talking less and to less people about my personal matters. I really don’t like how easily things get around in that department and I’d do myself a favour by keeping my mouth shut about things. Not everyone has to know about what’s going on in my life.

Also, being less trusting of those who don’t deserve it. Reserving my “benefit of the doubt” for people who show me they’re actually worth it. Stuff like that. I’ll try to actively implement that in what I do this week and see how it goes. This is yet another thing I would like to be conscious and aware about.

This morning, before I started getting ready for work… I saw that Nick had dm’d me on Instagram. He was asking for my number because he’d gotten a new phone. I gave it to him, and then I had asked him if he had joined the iPhone team out of friendliness, but he read that and didn’t respond. Resigned, I put my phone down, but seconds later…

I saw yet another message from him pop up on WhatsApp. He said thanks, but then it seemed as though he was typing something with intent. Heart racing, I waited for him to finish. And what he said totally blew any expectations I could have possibly had, out the window:

“Okay so there was something I wanted to tell you… I realize I hurt you a lot the past few years and I also realize I wasn’t always the best boyfriend to you or the one you deserved but I’m really glad we finished the way we did. I would have felt terrible if we kept going and started hating each other… So like I want to say it’s nice to still have you as a friend.”

I didn’t even know how to respond at first. But, I ended up telling him how much his message meant to me, and that he wasn’t a bad boyfriend and he had made me happy. I also admitted that I wasn’t the easiest person to date what with my own personal struggles, and I pointed out his patience with me. I also agreed that I was happy we could still stay friends, despite everything.

We talked briefly about his new phone, (which is in fact an iPhone), and he mentioned he was still in Cuba but was glad he was able to tell me what he did, to which I thanked him for.

Despite my day being rather busy, I must admit that this has been on my mind. It’s made me happy, but also sad. So, happy-sad. I know there’s a word for that, other than “bittersweet”. I just can’t think of it right now.

It made me happy because, I know for sure now that he’s definitely growing. We’ve both grown so much outside of our relationship. He’s travelling, he seems genuinely happy, and that’s all I could have ever wanted for him. I’m glad that exploring the world and adventuring is also making him introspective enough to have these realizations. And, I’m more than glad that he took a moment out of his trip to share some of those introspections with me.

But I’m also sad. Sad because it made my heart feel a little sore. This person, the person he’s becoming now… that was the person I was holding out hope for, holding so hard onto. But, I had to let him go in order for him to become that person. So there’s the bittersweet-ness of it all. For the first time in a long while, I’m a little sad at the thought of him, at the thought of our old “us”. But that’s okay. I forget sometimes that it’s only been a little over two months since we ended it all. Short time period, but so much progress has been made since then.

More than anything, I just want him to be happy. I think that despite whatever we went through in our relationship, at his core is a genuinely good person with good intentions. I hope that’s the person he maintains, as he grows and learns and sees what this world has to offer.

Well, it is what it is! With every day that passes, I know that I did the right thing for us both. It was hard, so hard, but it’s usually the harder things in life that bring about the most change. Comfort is the enemy of progress.

That’s all I wanted to say for today! I’m glad we can be friends. I really am. I was a little worried back there. I need to stop comparing myself to Don though, for reals. I’m not him, I was never him. I had my insecurities but I never, ever had any mal-intent towards Nick, ever. I never wanted to control him, or manipulate him. And, I was never selfish. I loved him enough, truly, to know that letting him go would better us both, even if I did do it for me.

Anyways, that’s all! Looking forward to this week! Just going to go with the flow, no overthinking or anxiety, no, no, no.

Can’t wait to write about it all! Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 69 + 70 – March 10 & 11, 2017

Hello! I missed writing a log yesterday because I got home around like 1 am and I was way too tired to write a log, so I’m just going to combine yesterday’s with todays!

But first – something just came up that made me feel kind of bad and is now also bugging me. Am I self-absorbed?

Olivia just pointed out that I don’t listen or pay attention to when she talks during our conversation. And I can’t say anything, because she’s right – if I’m on my phone or my attention is elsewhere, it’s hard for me to focus on the conversation. I don’t do it intentionally, but I must admit that it’s something I need to work on.

But then she’s always attentive when it comes to what I’m saying. And even in conversations with other people, I find myself talking about myself but am I making enough effort to ask about them?

I don’t want to be self-absorbed. How can I help people if I’m caught up in the bubble that is my own little world? Things don’t revolve around me – people have their own lives, with very real problems and sadness’s and happiness’s. Am I making enough effort to know more about theirs, in the same way they listen to mine?

From this point on, I want to make a promise to myself – I will make a conscious effort to talk less about myself and ask more about others. Now that I’m practising self-love, I know better than to swear off talking about myself altogether, almost as though I want to punish myself for possibly being self-absorbed. I’ll talk to people about myself as I need to, but I just want to be sure that I’m making the exact same effort back.

I know I have a poor attention span in the sense I can’t focus on more than one thing at once, so when someone is speaking to me, I owe them the respect to stop whatever I am doing so that I can pay 100% of my attention to what they’re saying to me. I never, ever want to become someone whose phone is glue to their hands and eyes – real life is occurring OUTSIDE of that tiny little rectangular screen and that’s exactly where I want to live.

So there. No more. Be mature about this girl. Be communicative. Own up and take responsibility. And then do differently! That’s how you live and move forward.

Anyways, that’s that.

Yesterday was fun – Chloe and I went for drinks and dinner at Moxie’s, and then we went to go see Get Out, which was a really good movie. Today was good too – I had fun at work with my coworkers, made some sales.

Anyways, that’s about all I really want to say right now because I think I have to apologize to Olivia and then maybe eat dinner and watch some Vampire Diaries.

I don’t feel bad for myself!!! This isn’t self-pity, I just genuinely feel bad for not listening to her enough for her to feel like she needed to point it out. I suck. I mean, not totally. But I do, sometimes. It’s not cool.

Anyways, I’ll write tomorrow! Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 68 – March 9th, 2017

I’m going to attempt to make this a quick log, but I have a little bit of stuff circulating around in my brain that I’d like to address so let’s see how this goes. First, my day!

I had work this morning and it was a lot of fun because nearly everyone was in and we were having a good time talking and what not. Sera came in again today, and she came right over to me to tell me that she “heard” I got my tattoo, and that Dylan talked to her about it! I showed her the tattoo, and she laughed over how it happened because of my “omens”, LOL.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I seriously love, love how Dylan talks about me to Sera. I wonder what they say about me!! She used to divulge this information before, but now she’s much more secretive. I think it’s because she knows things, things like how I’m starting to feel about him too, and now she’s letting things play out as they will.

I remember when she used to be our little low key cupid – when everything first started, when I first met him, I remember telling her that he was extremely good looking, and then later that day, she told me that he thought I was “incredibly beautiful” too. I think that was about a year ago when he first started working? And then, she would tell me stuff like how he didn’t want to settle down until he found a girl like me, how he would talk about me at home so much that she was getting  tired of hearing about me (jokingly), and stuff like that.

I wish I could go back to those moments so I could really implement those things into my memory more.

The rest of the day went well, when I came home I made Olivia and my mom watch Lion with me (Sera’s recommendation, and surprisingly Avery’s as well). All in all, it was a pretty good day!

Here’s my concern though. When I’m busy, be it at my job or conversing with other people, or doing menial tasks, my brain is good, distracted and engaged. But when I’m alone, like this, or on the bus going home, or getting lost in my thoughts, they always lead me back to one person, and I’ll let you take a wild guess as to who that is.

If you guessed the most perfect guy I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting who goes by the name of Dylan, then you would be 110% correct. Which therein kind of freaks me out a little.

It has nothing to do with him, mostly. Well I mean, yes I am a little paranoid about how “amazing” he comes across. It’s just, how is it possible that someone like him exists?! Someone who’s mature, wise beyond their years, but also playful and funny, reads for pleasure (SO RARE LIKE WHAT), is a great conversationalist, super intelligent and intellectual, a genuinely good person, kind, compassionate, slightly rough around the edges in all the best ways, confident, ambitious, deeply respectful of his mom and his family, AND ridiculously good looking. HOW?! It just doesn’t compute to me.

I know my little brain likes to start panicking the moment that things get too good, because we’re used to things being good and all of a sudden turning bad. So yes, my guard is a little up, after everything I’ve been through. BUT THEN.

On the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about him. I daydream about cute little scenarios like, what IF there were hockey tickets available and we had gone to see a game together? How cute would that of been? Or like, I imagine our future conversations and practise them in my head. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE *”How Far I’ll Go” tune*

I’m not obsessed, I swear, I promise. But what is it about me that I can’t be single for two months without falling for someone new? But then, is it not me per se? Is it just that I happened to meet/get to know him at this time in my life? Because, I honestly feel like I AM growing as a person, and I’ve made so much progress as to how much I love myself now. I’m not who I was a week, month, and especially a year ago. I’m different. I’m happier, stronger, standing up for myself more.

I think it’s just that, after two failed long term relationships, I feel like I’ve met someone unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. And while I was more cautious initially, whatever bounds that were holding back my feelings before have somehow finally managed to break. Possibly because of our super long conversations where we could talk and talk endlessly, despite the fact we were supposed to be working. It could also be in the way he looks at me, the way that makes me wish he’d never stop. Sigh.

I’m scared because… okay, multiple reasons. I’m scared because I’ve been in two three-year long relationships that have sort of kind of been failures. Okay no, I take that back. They weren’t “failures” – they were lessons. Both of them. Polar opposites. I regret neither of them. What I mean is, they partially became what they were because of me – I let someone control and manipulate me because I thought I was in love and that’s how relationships worked, and then I ended up so insecure about myself in the second that I turned into the person I dated previously, however unintentionally.

I have learnt so much and come so far, but… what if I’m doomed at relationships? If that’s possible? I love so, so hard. I care so deeply. I’m scared of the depth of my own feelings because I’m scared about the things they make me think and the things that I do. I don’t ever want to be the person I was in either of the relationships I was in.

I think I’m scared that entering another relationship will magically revert me into some form of the person I used to be, but… how can that be true? Haven’t I learned? How could I repeat my mistakes after everything I’ve been through?

I’ve learnt that I have to love myself before I love anyone else. I’ve learnt that if I’m searching for something in someone else that I feel like I lack in myself, it means that I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve learnt that I have nothing to be insecure about because I am a good person, beautiful and smart with a huge, huge heart, and that anyone would be lucky to be with me and I KNOW that. I finally believe in that. I’ve learnt that I have to let my future partner be my PARTNER, not my PERSON. We have to be equal, on par in our maturity, emotional capacity, expectations and goals. I’ve learnt that I must encourage my partner to pursue their goals, dreams, and passions at any cost, because those are the things that will bring true happiness to them and consequently bring happiness to our relationship. I have learnt that I will not apologize or be ashamed of ANY of the aspects that make me, me. I’ve learnt to finally embrace all of my self-perceived “flaws”, and instead of viewing them as flaws, I now see them as merely aspects of who I am that I love.

I’ve learnt that if my partner is controlling, emotionally manipulative and borderline mentally/emotionally abusive, I WILL stand up for myself and leave that partnership as soon as I humanly can. I’ve learnt that I do not need to be polite or courteous to people who take advantage of my kindness. I’ve learnt to stop caring so deeply about people/things that do not deserve my level of care. I’ve learnt that “where are you going, what are you doing, who are you with, what are you wearing, what time will you be back”, are NOT questions borne from a place of love – they’re borne out of deep emotional insecurity and codependence.

I’ve learnt that if my partner cheats on me, it has NOTHING to do with who I am as a person and it has EVERYTHING to do with how they see/feel about themselves. I’ve learnt that I deserve so much more than to settle for a relationship for the sake of saving the relationship. I’ve learnt that I deserve affection, and I am not needy or clingy for seeking it. I’ve learnt that I deserve to be told “I love you” a lot more than once every couple months. I’ve learnt that I needed to work on my own personal insecurities, and so I have. I’ve learnt that no relationship is EVER going to be perfect – but as long as you’re with someone who loves themselves as deeply as you love you, you will find a way to make it work because you truly enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve learnt to put “me” before “we”. I’ve learnt that no man is worth my emotional stability, sanity, tears, happiness, or heart break. I’ve learnt how to create my own happiness within myself, so that I will never, ever have to base it off of how someone else makes me feel.

I’ve learnt so much. So much more even, than what I’ve written here. I’m not saying that I’m some kind of relationship expert now, after everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve learnt. But, maybe I was meant to go through these relationships in preparation for the one that would truly last. I’ve always said I don’t believe in divorce – I want my life partner to be my partner for life, til’ death do we part.

I am lucky to experienced and learn all that I have in my 24 years of living. Some people don’t come across these realizations until way later into their lives, or when it may be too late.

It wasn’t Dylan that I was so scared of – it was me. It was the idea that I might get into another relationship, possibly with someone as amazing as Dylan is, and that I might be the one to screw things up. But now I know I won’t. I couldn’t. Not after everything I’ve learnt.

I’m not saying my next relationship is going to be amazing and perfect – no relationship is. I am saying that I will be well-equipped for whatever happens next, but still open and willing to learn more as I go, especially about myself. My self-growth and self-love will not end or diminish if/when I enter a new relationship. If that relationship is with the right person, then that growth and self-love will only continue to flourish, as it should. I will know. I will know if it’s right or wrong now, because I’m finally listening to myself.

I am so fucking happy that I write to myself now, LOL. Honestly. It’s such a good feeling to get all the thoughts in my head straightened out.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Dylan. He’s really such a good guy. I like him a lot. And now, I’m no longer afraid that I will lose myself because I know now that at this point in my life, I know myself better than I have in a very, very long time. But, that’s me. I don’t know his total past, his relationship history, his view points on relationships, or even how he truly feels about himself. He’s a great guy, and it’s been so fun getting to know him, but there’s still ways to go. I need to be very careful about my tendency to fall for the “potential” of a relationship rather than the person themselves. I love to lose my head in the clouds, and it happens quite quickly, but now I need to have my feet on the solid ground that is reality, as well.

So much for short log eh! LOL. But, kudos to the self-reflection and continuous growth that I am experiencing.

I think I’ll head to bed now! Until tomorrow then! I love me, I really do. I’m so, so proud of me.

Love,

Me.

Day 67 – March 8th, 2017

Hello! Quick log before I go to sleep!

Today was good, I had work and it was a little boring later on because my favourite people all went home. But that’s okay! It went by pretty quickly for the most part. So I realized that I have a training to go to on the same day that Dylan’s working, BUT! I’m hoping that we’ll come back from the training as quickly as possible so that, if he’s nights, I don’t miss out on seeing him and I can give him his gift.

We’ll see! Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

Anyways, that’s actually about it! I think I’ll head to bed now because I’ve got work early tomorrow morning. I’ll write some time tomorrow afternoon/night! Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 66 – March 7th, 2017

Yet another extraordinary day!

Today, I finally stood up for myself in a way that my 19 year old self could never do.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I mentioned before it one of my prior logs, that the “devil” made his reappearance – Don has been texting me lately and it’s been on-going for days. When I vented to my cousins, one of them finally questioned why I put up with it if it made me so uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I just straight up tell him to stop?

It was through her honest and thought-provoking questions that made me realize, once again I was putting myself second instead of first. I was sacrificing my own wants and comfort, for the sake of entertaining a conversation with someone who no longer has any place in my life, all so I could be “polite” and “nice”. And you know what? He knew it full well, and was definitely taking advantage of it.

And so, with the encouragement of my cousins, I mustered up my most savage alter ego and typed up a little message about how we haven’t spoken in years and how our old memories have no more meaning to me, and that I didn’t see any point to “catching up” anymore as a result. I wished him all the best, and told him to take care, and left it at that.

And, in true form, he wrote back a reply about how he didn’t “expect me to get so upset” and he “apologized” (LOL) for trying to bury “old bad blood”. His attempt at trying to get me to reply was transparent, and honestly, rather pathetic. It showed me that he really hasn’t changed, and that he probably never will.

I, on the other hand, feel AMAZING. I was actually kind of shocked at myself at first, but then the feeling of really and genuinely not caring finally sunk in and it’s one of the best feelings (or more accurately, lack of feeling) I’ve ever experienced.

I said everything I needed to say, very simply and straightforwardly but firm as well, and in true fashion to myself, I ended it off on a good note and still wished him well. I am so, so proud of myself. And so thankful! To the people in my life who inspire me to practice self-love in everything I do! I didn’t even realize I had been putting myself second by putting up with the here and there conversations.

I think he finally got the message this time. I no longer have to worry (not that I ever really did though), about him messaging me ever again. He can try to play it off as though he was just trying to catch up, but I know he messaged every year for the past 3 years without fail because he was trying to stay relevant, possibly out of some hope for a possible future. Or, maybe he just genuinely wanted to stay friends.

The only problem with that is, after everything we’d been through, being friends with him is just something I never really wanted. I couldn’t stay friends with someone who manipulated me, made me feel smaller than I really was, tried to control me and almost every aspect of my life, even if it did come out a place of deep fear or deep care. I just couldn’t do myself that kind of disservice.

Well, that’s that! Again, so proud of myself. I really and truly am.

Anyways, today amongst all the hay-day, I spent my day with Chloe and we had a lot of fun. We’re both on our journey to new found self-love, so I think we’ll be teaching each other a lot on the way to our new destination.

That’s about it! I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift. Wow, what a whirl wind this life is. I’m so happy, so content, and so excited about what’s to come.

Until then!

Love, love, love, love and I’m so proud of me,

Me.

Day 65 – March 6th, 2017

Today, I showed myself just exactly how I can take any ordinary day, and make it extraordinary.

Let’s begin with the start! So, I woke up super-duper early and made it to class, and I’m glad I did – today we covered horror, so it was a pretty interesting lecture! I’m glad I made it.

I went home afterwards, watched a couple episodes of Community, ate some food and then got ready for work! That’s when things began to happen, one after the other.

As I got to work, Alycia posted in our group a screen shot from Instagram of Nick’s – it was a plane ticket to Cayo Coco. I had no idea!! Well, obviously I wouldn’t have seeing as we haven’t spoken in like a month. Nonetheless, without a second thought, I DM’d him as I made my way to work. I told him how exciting that was, and that I just wanted to wish him a safe trip and hoped that he had a lot of fun.

I just wanted to wish him well! Because I knew, God forbid if anything happened to him on the plane or while he’s away, I would have regretted so much not saying anything at all. I feel good now, knowing that I at least said something of good substance to him before he left the country.

I really do want him to be happy. I hope that he finds what he’s looking for, even the things he doesn’t even realize he’s searching for. I hope he learns more about himself, lets loose, has a ton of fun and does whatever he wants for himself. He’s not my person anymore. He was never SUPPOSED to be “my” person, to begin with – we should have just been two people in a relationship together. What he does or doesn’t do is really not my business anymore. All I can do is hope that he’s happy, where ever he may go or whatever he may do. And that’s that.

Right after that, Ryan sent me this piece he wrote… about “maktub”, which I JUST got as a tattoo last night. If that isn’t a sign from the universe, I don’t know what is! Everything really IS written. And now that I’m really listening to the world, I’m starting to see how everything connects. Nothing is coincidence. Everything is meant to happen as it does.

I mentioned that I was feeling a little agitated a couple logs ago because I felt that autonomous boredom creeping up on me, of everyday life. Well! I decided to spice things up a bit.

I wanted so badly to text Dylan about my tattoo because we talked about it so much, but the little voice of… doubt? Anxiety? Was trying to talk me out of it. But really though, what was the worst thing that could happen? He didn’t reply? Or replied one word? Or got creeped out? But, the world is telling me that’s just not the kind of guy he is. Granted, I don’t know him super well and people can surprise you. But right now? My gut is telling me this guy is different.

So I went to Diego and asked him for some super vague advice about how guys feel about girls texting them first. He asked for a little context, which I provided, and then all of a sudden, he was like “do I know them?” which took me by surprise a little. I could have easily said no, but I trust Diego, so I told him who I was talking about. And he KNEW!

He said that I have this look about me when I talk to him, like I seem to just melt. And my eyes get all vibrant and happy. He said I wasn’t being obvious about it though – just that it was obvious to him because he picks up on that kind of stuff.

He also commended Dylan on being such an amazing guy, like too good. Which was really nice to hear actually, to see that other people recognize in him what I see myself.

He then told me that any guy I decided to text would only be so lucky. And that if I wanted something, then I should just go for it. And he’s right! Dylan’s a really great guy. I get that I’m not looking to throw myself into a relationship right now, but I can’t pass up an opportunity to get to know someone as amazing as he is to me, thus far.

I like him. I don’t quite know how or when it happened per se, be it the super intense conversations we had or how everyone knows how good of a person he is or just the fact that he had a mother like Sera raise him, I can’t pinpoint it. It’s just a whole combination of a lot of good things.

So yeah, I think it’s only fair if I make a little bit of effort on my part too. So, with that in mind, I sat behind my counter, garnered my courage, and texted him.

I told him about how much I loved the Alchemist, about the part that really hit me, and then showed him a picture of my tattoo. And he loved it! He even asked how the trip was, which led to a brief conversation about it and I told him I had a lot of stories to tell him. (Yes, I purposely left it at that as a set up.)

And he got it! He said next time he worked, we should go to lunch cause he wanted to hear it all. Now, I don’t quite know if he meant just lunch with me or lunch with me, him AND Luna, but it’s a start! I would actually love if Luna came too because she’s funny and a good buffer, and I’m not too sure if I’m ready for one on one yet, despite our amazing conversations.

I also asked if he was coming to St. Patrick’s still, but that’s a little iffy now. Nonetheless, he’ll be working on the 15th and so am I! So I’ll be seeing him then. I mentioned that I have to bring him his gift too, in the chillest way I could muster, and that’s where the conversation has left off.

I need to be more confident in myself! Not because it’s attractive to other people; it is, but because I DESERVE to be! I’m a good person, I love people and talking to people, and I’m a generally happy person all around. People like me too! (Not that that matters, of course). I love myself, and alongside that self-love should come self-confidence too. No more self-doubt.

Anyways, that’s exactly how I made an ordinary day extraordinary. Now, I have lots to look forward to for next week. And, I was so, so brave and did something quite unlike what used to be my nature. I need to do this more often!

I don’t know what’s going to happen or what the future holds for me. All I know is that, it’s written. What’s meant for me will come. But, I do have to put my will out into the universe as well. When I speak to the universe, the universe will conspire to help me get to where I need to. It can’t do everything on its own. I have to put in the efforts too.

I’m so, so incredibly proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I still have ways to go, but I really have come so far. I will never stop saying that, or acknowledging how proud of myself I am.

I’ll write tomorrow after I get home. Here’s to making any ordinary day into one that’s absolutely amazing! Each day has the capacity to be so much more than what it is – it’s up to US to make it so!

Love, tons of love and energy and positivity, always,

Me.

Day 64 – March 5th, 2017

Hello! What a great Sunday it’s been! Okay, let me start from the beginning, briefly: I worked out, went to go meet up with my best friends for a quick dinner in downtown and… spontaneously got my “maktub” tattoo on the way home!!!

As I was passing by on the bus, I noticed it was open, but my bus had already passed by the stop that I would have had to get off on. But by some “coincidence” (or maybe, “it was written”), someone had to get off at the stop directly after. So, without even stopping to think, I immediately leapt off the bus and ran back to the tattoo parlour. I withdrew some cash at the convenient store nearby, and then made my way inside.

The girl who helped us last time said they were still open and taking walk-ins (it was meant to be!). We got the size and placement down right (about an inch and a half tall, three inches wide, and on my right rib cage in the empty spot that I’ve been waiting to fill with something without even knowing I was).

Honestly, it didn’t hurt as much as I recalled it to hurt. I just let myself be taken over by it, thought about Hawaii, and the book, and let myself get consumed by my surroundings. She said I took it like a champ, and that she herself would never, ever subject herself to getting a tattoo in that area. I’m so proud of me, hehe. This was the sixth tattoo, (favourite number!), and the first one I’ve ever gotten done all on my own.

My rib cages are now complete, I feel. My tattoos wrap almost all the way around my torso, close to me and close to my heart. I love how each and every one of them hold so much meaning to me.

I honestly love how spontaneous I am. Granted, I need to work a little bit more on my level of responsibility, but I believe in what Antonio the tarot card man said to me – that money would always come to me. Money doesn’t hold a ton of value to me, it’s what I can do with it that counts. And although it will never be a problem for me, I should still learn to save. And I will! After this upcoming paycheque, I’m putting a tight lid on my money. I’m bringing lunch to work, and being much more financially responsible. I’m an adult now.

This was just my last hurrah of the spontaneity of my trip. As this Sunday draws to a close, it brings with it the dawning realization that I have a lot to do this week.

This is the happiest I’ve been in so, so long. I haven’t had this sense of purpose in me for as long as I can remember. It feels good to have it now. Not bad for 24!!! I’m still pretty young! And for the first time in what feels like forever, I am actually more content with where I am in life.

I met Svetlana today, Chloe’s really close friend. And she mentioned how she had gotten into her Master’s program today, how she’s going to be getting married soon, and how she would like to have kids within the next three years. She’s 22, and everything’s all mapped out for her. And for the first time ever, rather than feeling panic rise up in my throat, I simply felt happy for her.

Because, for the first time ever, that “timeline” idea is becoming less and less scary to me. Before, it was this roaring monster, threatening me and looming close behind me whispering ideas of “failure” and “you’ve fallen behind” into my ears. Now? I’m running free, far away from it, far enough that its whispers are becoming more and more faint with every day that passes.

I still have anxiety. I feel it inside me, and although it may not have a purpose or trigger, it still lies in wait in the pit of my stomach, rearing up when I least expect it. I have an appointment with my counselor this week, so I’m going to see if there’s something I can do to make that little monster go away. I don’t want to live with it any more.

There’s something that’s been on the back of my mind that I want to bring to the forefront before I end this log.

A while ago, I had this really strong urge to remain friends with Nick. I wanted to stay in contact every so often, maybe catch up once in a while, just so we could keep up with what’s happening in each other’s lives.

Before I went to Hawaii, I thought maybe when I got back I would message him and ask him if he wanted to meet up for coffee again so I could hear about how his internship was going. But now? I’m not so sure. So what changed exactly?

The thought of messaging him makes me nervous. If I really am like “Don” in this situation – the controlling, manipulative girlfriend, and Nick is like me, then I don’t think he’d really want to hear from me. Because, I don’t like it when Don messages me – in fact, I find it a bit of a nuisance. Actually no, I don’t really care so much anymore.

I entertain the conversation out of politeness, but in all honesty, I have this feeling that Don has some ulterior motive to these “friendly little chats”, and I’m waiting for it to come up so that I can finally and possibly shut the motive down for good. And not even in a vindictive way – if he really is harbouring some kind of secret hope for the future the way I think he is, then I want him to let go of it, because it’s just not going to happen. I’ll always appreciate everything our relationship taught me, but I will never, ever be able to go back to that part of my life. There is no future for us. He deserves to be happy with someone else and move on, for good.

Back to Nick – the thought of messaging him actually makes me a little scared. I don’t want to annoy him, or bother him, or dredge up old feelings if he’s doing well for himself with me out of sight and out of mind. I just want him to be happy, without me. I don’t really know what that entails, but I’m sure he’s figuring that out for himself. I don’t want to be his “Don”.

I’ll just let him contact me, as he sees fit. We’ll see how things go. I really do want us to be friends, but I think we’re both still in the process of healing, I’m sure, seeing as it’s only been a little over two months since everything ended. I hope he’s doing really well though! And meeting new people, and making new friends, and enjoying life. Despite everything that’s happened between us, he deserves that.

The level of self-love in my life is consistently blooming with every day that passes, and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally chosen to really put an effort into falling in love with me, and I’m really getting there. I love me, and I can’t wait for the day that I realize, “hey… I’m so in love with me.” But so far, so good. I just got to get rid of the “mean girl” in my head, (she’s getting quieter and quieter by the day though), work on vanquishing my anxiety monster by keeping up with my counselling sessions, and actively put effort into being aware of myself, in everything I do and everything I say. No more monotony, no more being on “autopilot”. I want to be alive and aware in every moment of every day, and I intend to move upwards into it, as far as I can go.

I also need to practice and understand that my opinions of other people and their situations, even if they’re coming from a place of similar experience and utmost sincerity, hold no validity whatsoever. I can offer people my insights, but really I am my own person with my own experiences and I cannot tell people what to do or how to live their life. To each their own. That’s something I’ve learnt recently and I would like to maintain this knowledge in the ways that I converse with people. I want to be more careful in the way I speak to others.

Okay, that’s about it for today! I got a busy week full of school and work ahead of me. I’ve also got some friend dates coming up too, so I’m looking forward to that! I’m hanging out with Chloe on Tuesday, and then sleeping over at Leila’s on Friday.

I love how busy I am! It’ll make things pass by fast. And while I hate how quickly time passes for the most part, the only reason I’m looking forward to this week passing is because of how excited I am for next Friday, St. Patrick’s Day.

I wonder what’s going to happen! No expectations though. We’ll see how things go!

I’ll write tomorrow after my work shift! Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.