Day 91 + 92 – April 1st & 2nd, 2017

Okay so, yesterday I got really caught up in binging this really good show on Netflix called “13 Reasons Why” and I totally and completely forgot to write yesterday’s log! Not cool, I can’t slack on my daily logs like that. Okay, so what did I miss?

Friday night was fun – the dinner went really well, and then after, Chloe and I spontaneously went to go watch Beauty and the Beast. It was incredible!!! I had not a single complaint about the way it was made. If anything, I even loved the additions they made to the film, including the new song numbers. I would definitely watch it again; it was so, so good.

Yesterday (Saturday, April 1st), my mom spontaneously decided that we should all go for a sushi lunch, which was really nice. I made everyone put their technologies away so that we could actually converse with each other instead of just sitting together and staring at screens. I really want to stop being on my phone as much as I am – I don’t want to be one of those people who miss out on life because of how desperately people want to capture and share every passing moment of their lives. Social media really is a disease. I’ve bought into it, for sure, I can admit that – but I can also be aware of how much I don’t want it to rule my life.

I want to experience life without feeling that incessant urge to document every moment that I encounter. I want to be able to make memories for myself, in my head, ones that I can reflect on and feel deeply, instead of needing those moments to be shared, seen and validated by others.

The best thing I could do for myself is probably to delete it all, and just live life the way it was meant to be lived. But, I can admit that I am an addict, so baby steps. I’ll try to use it less than I do now. When and if I go away again, I can commit to not uploading pictures and snapchats and stories in every day of my vacation. If I’m going to take pictures, I can take them for myself instead of needing to share them with the world immediately. And then maybe eventually, I can get rid of two or three of the social media outlets that I don’t necessarily need.

It’s good to be aware. It’s good to unplug sometimes and realize what this society is doing to us. I don’t want to live in a world where talking to strangers or starting up a conversation with the person next to you becomes out of norm, or outdated. Humans live and thrive off of social contact and ironically, social media is killing it slowly without us even realizing. I don’t want our interactions to be limited solely to through a little glass screen, or through likes and views. I don’t want deep, thought-provoking conversations to die out because of how easily we can vocalize ourselves through the internet to a world of people who don’t necessarily care, or care too much.

And while I’m on this train of thought, I think it’s about time we bring back the Summer Bucket list. The last time I did this list was 2013, and it was amazing. I did so, so much. And, seeing as I’ve decided to not do summer school for the first time in years, I think it’s about time that I start bringing back some adventure into my summer. Summer used to be a transformative time for me, and I think I’d like to bring that back. After all, as of tomorrow after 10:30, technically my summer begins! Holy crap. Yeah, I’m definitely bringing back the Bucket List. Should that be a separate log though..? Hmm.

Actually you know what, no. This log was meant to document everything I went through, experienced, and learned this year and that will include this summer.

Okay so! I’m just going to add everything that comes to my mind to this list, big or small, and see how it goes. Let’s go!

Summer 2017 Bucket List

  1. Sleep beneath the stars.
    2. Spend some time at the cottage with your favourite people.
    3. Do my driving lessons, in class & on road.
    4. Proceed to get my G2, within this summer.
    5. Get a second job, work more hours to make money so that I can save for school (and myself).
    6. Go back to Chainsaw in Waterloo and sing a sappy, romantic love ballad.
    7. Go on road trips. (Friends AND family!)
    8. Figure out what I really want from life.
    9. Finally get that feeling of being “back on track”.
    10. Go camping.
    11. Roast marshmallows on a fire.
    12. Go swimming as much as I can, anywhere.
    13. Go fishing, (and maybe get my own fishing rod).
    14. Adventure around downtown late at night/all night.
    15. Spend as much time as I can with the people I love.
    16. Leave the country; explore another one, if financially possible.
    17. Try new food and new food places as much as I can.
    18. Go to a baseball game.
    19. Start running/working out more, be more active.
    20. Read as many books as I can, all kinds.
    21. Movie marathon: Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, maybe even Star Wars if I can get through it.
    22. Take a moment, if not every day then at least 4-5 times a week, to meditate and breathe.
    23. Start painting again.
    24. Upload more photos to my makeup Instagram.
    25. Enjoy morning tea/barbecues/family time out on our patio.
    26. Host another patio party.
    27. Visit everyone at their universities this summer.
    28. Do another trip like Montreal or Niagara with the fam-squad.
    29. Laugh and find joy in every moment that I can; be spontaneous.
    30. Stop documenting every moment of my life on social media. Use it less.
    31. Be fearless. Do something that fear was holding me back from doing.
    32. Dance in the rain.
    33. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
    34. Go out and have crazy nights where you barely remember anything (but responsibly, too).
    35. Listen to new music.
    36. Swim in a lake, by yourself.
    37. Learn how to do something totally new, teach yourself.
    38. Continue to fall in love with yourself, as deeply as you can.
    39. Forgive yourself and get past the guilt you have towards yourself, have more self-compassion.
    40. Make time for yourself and the things you enjoy doing.
    41. Go on a date. (If/when you’re ready to).
    42. Take yourself out on a date (i.e. movie/dinner/AGO/ROM).
    43. Get a gym membership, and then try yoga if it’s available to you.
    44. Finish and hand in your petition.
    45. Put the Christmas lights back up in your room, and then on the patio.
    46. Build a blanket fort and spend the entire day in bed.
    47. Go to Scarborough Bluffs.
    48. Go to Sauble, Wasaga and one other beach you’ve never been to before.
    49. Tell a certain someone how you feel (when/if the timing is right).
    50. Enjoy every single moment that this summer has to offer, as though it were your last.

If more things come to me as time passes on, I’ll continue to add to the list. Maybe there’ll even be things that aren’t on this list that I do, that will become a part of it! Technically, as of tomorrow, my summer will be about five months long, holy crap. The amount of things I can do/get done in this time can be incredible, if I seek to make it that way. And I do – I intend to make it an absolutely amazing summer, filled to the brim with memories, laughter, growth, learning, and beautiful moments. I’m looking forward to it all!

Tomorrow is the three month mark of me and Nick breaking up. I have to go back to my old logs, so that I can ask myself the questions I promised I would when this day came around. Oddly enough, it feels as though more time than that has passed.

It’s almost Day 93 now. I ended up going back to the start of my old logs and then I got lost in reading them. I never realized how addictive it is to get lost in the past, even if it is just recent past. I need to be careful with that, because these logs are carefully preserving everything I’ve experienced in this year and I can easily get lost in it all if I allow myself too. While it’s a good thing to self-reflect and see how far you’ve come, it’s not particularly a good thing to lose yourself in times that have passed, no matter how good they make you feel.

After tomorrow, I’m going to have an abundance of free time. I’m glad I’ve made my list, because I don’t want that time to pass by with no productivity or learning or growth. There’s a lot I would like to accomplish in the next five months, and I know I’ll get to it all somehow.

So I’m currently listening to this song that I discovered in that show I was watching. The song is called “The Night We Met”, by Lord Huron. It’s so full of nostalgia and a little melancholy, but I love it so much.

I read a little of my old logs about Dylan.

I don’t know if it’s this song that’s making me feel this way but… actually, you know what, I’ve got to get myself out of my head and focus on other things this week. I let myself get caught up in the really good addictive feelings that a crush can bring about, but I can’t let that be my sole focus or priority. And while I know this (I’m not trying to lecture myself or be condescending towards myself at all), I just… I don’t know. I’m scared. Of everything, of so much. It’s hard to remove and extricate myself from my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I get caught up so easily.

I need some clarity. The same old thoughts and feelings have been replaying in my head in a loop for a while. I need to put it out of my head for a while, and then come back to it with fresh eyes later.

Let’s talk frankly then.

I don’t need to be scared. I’m not in any rush towards anything or anyone. I’m perfectly happy on my own right now. No one is going anywhere, and whatever is meant for me, will find me. I’d like to work with the universe to manifest my intentions, for sure – but I’m also trying to work with the timing of it all. What I need, more than anything, is patience. To be unattached – not completely, but enough not to be so concerned with the “results” of it all. I get attached to the idea of things very easily.

I have seen, time and time again, the way the world works. When you want something bad enough, if it’s meant for you, it can happen. But it’s got to be meant for you. I know you can make things happen for yourself, I know that. But this is a whole other human being we’re talking about here. I can’t just take only my feelings and wants into consideration. Eventually, I’m going to have to find a way to learn about what he wants. If our needs and wants don’t coincide, then it is what it is! Life goes on.

I have this tendency to make things so much bigger than they actually are, in my head. Putting things into perspective – okay, so I haven’t seen or heard from him in over a week. But, we both have lives, school, I have work, he has training and so many things to deal with in terms of his own health and his mom and everything else. We both have bigger priorities.

I like him. Those feelings aren’t going anywhere for a while. When the time is right, I’ll tell him. Or maybe, I won’t have to. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I need to be okay with this fact.

^ There it is. The reason, the root of all of this uncertainty and fear and overthinking, the be-all and end-all. My lack of control in this situation. THAT’S WHAT’S GETTING ME! I finally get it!

Well honey, I’m going to quote something here that recently just resonated with you: “life is unpredictable and control is just an illusion”.

I will never be happy until I can accept that I cannot control every aspect of my life and the things I will experience. While I have direct influence over my choices and decisions, I have to accept that I cannot control people, their reactions, the things that happen as a result, or anything outside of myself really. And when I accept this truth, then I will be able to breathe easier. Life will be easier to get through. Admit that you do not have control over anything, but yourself. And live accordingly.

Late night thoughts are always pretty therapeutic. Let go. Let go of the need to have complete power over your experiences, the desire to control your outcomes. Let go, and see what happens. Do what you can where you can, but let go of the rest. Be happy. Let life happen.

Okay. I can do this. I can let go.

Whatever happens, happens. Que sera, sera.

Okay! Good stuff. I feel good. A lot less frazzled for sure. I got to start making that meditation a priority. And working out, seriously. I need outlets for all of this pent-up energy I have.

I can’t wait for Easter weekend – Leila, Chloe, Adelaide and I will be going away for the weekend to Niagara!!! I’m so excited, it’s going to be so fun to get away a little bit with some of my favourites. First road trip of the summer! I can’t wait.

Alright then! Bring on the possibilities, the excitement to follow, and whatever is meant for me. I’m ready. I have that excitement again, the buzzing in my heart. I’m ready for whatever this month is going to bring to me, and what I’m going to run after, full-tilt. Because, what’s life if you’re not running towards the things you want most for yourself, right? Let’s do this.

I’ll write tomorrow after my exam! Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

Day 90 – March 31st, 2017

Hello! Here we are, at the end of yet another month, the third month of this year. And what a month it’s been! I can gladly say that the majority of all it didn’t pass by in a blur because of this amazing log. I can go back to any one of these written logs and know what I was doing or how I was feeling at any point of this month, which is so great.

And so, another month is now around the corner, brimming with more and more opportunities for growth and development. One of my main priorities for this month is to start my driver’s classes because I would like to get my g2 by this summer so that I can start driving around. How cool would that be!? I would love that feeling of self-sufficiency.

I’m leaning more towards not taking summer school this year because I think I would like to take this time to get my petition done, hand it in, and maybe start off this September with a clean slate. I’m going to stick with Psychology because it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, and then I’ll go from there.

It feels good to be more definitive, because I was starting to get a little lost back there. I just need to remember that I’ll always be here to bring myself back, when I start to feel that way.

So I’m off from work for the next couple days, which is a welcome change to the constant working. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to work because my coworkers make it so much fun. I never feel that “aw man, I have to go to work now”-dread that people get before their shifts, which is a blessing to me. But, I’m just glad that I get to get some time to myself.

I still have to write about… St. Patrick’s weekend, and… actually, that’s about it. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow since I’ll have so much time. Today, Chloe, Leila and I will be going for dinner tonight and I’m so, so excited to see them and spend time with them! Finally treating myself to a little self-care in the form of my best friends’ company. Also, after I finish this log, I’m going to do my daily meditation and take a nice hot bubble bath, mm. I can’t wait.

I think something I wanted to discuss in today’s log, is something I spent some time mulling over last night. And, with the assistance of talking it over with Olivia, I realized something that I need to note here.

Okay so, for the past week or so, I was wondering if maybe things with Dylan had come to a standstill. We haven’t spoken or texted since I saw him last (one week ago today), and our only interactions have been seeing each other’s stories on snapchat. Also, Sera – yesterday she was telling me how he had been feeling lately like his chest was getting kicked in, he was in that much pain. Turns out, he had some serious inflammation in his chest that was pressing up against his rib cage, because of his asthma.

I told her to tell him that I hope he feels better, but that’s about it. I mean, I suppose I easily could have texted him but… my brain, oh my brain has been doing a fine job of holding me back with the confines of fear and second-guessing.

Despite my brain, (which I don’t blame at all, by the way – we’ve been through some pretty crazy shit and I totally understand the idea of self-preservation), my heart and I came to a realization last night.

I’ve known for a while that I definitely have feelings for Dylan. Above and beyond all the surface stuff, I’ve never had the fortune of meeting someone who is so genuinely good. I met him at a time that nothing could come of things, but over time those circumstances changed. And last night, I finally realized, and as scary as this may be…

I don’t think I can let this… whatever it may be, I don’t think I can let it… go. Without really allowing myself to see where things could go, if they’re meant to, if they can, I mean. What I’m trying to say is… if I didn’t pursue this, despite all the fear I feel, I think I would regret it so much. Even if I pursue it and nothing comes of it because it just wasn’t meant to be – at least I would have the comfort of knowing that I tried.

I’m scared because, while I know Dylan isn’t the only amazing guy in the world, there is only one him. And he’s a pretty incredible guy. I’m scared because, in my past six years of dating, I’ve never had to do the pursuing before, and I never realized how comfortable I became with not putting the effort in to establish a relationship – my past two relationships have just, come to me. I engaged in them because I felt comfortable with how badly I was initially wanted. I’m not saying this easily – it’s always hard to be honest with ones’ self, but that’s what I’m doing here. I liked how badly both Don and Nick pursued me. It made falling into those relationships so much easier. Were they right for me? Probably not. But did they teach me things I was meant to learn? Absolutely.

Therein lies the difference here – I don’t quite know what the reason is, but it feels like Dylan isn’t trying to pursue things with me. While it could totally be that he’s simply not interested in a relationship or me even, I’ll never know unless I don’t try to find out. I’m not trying to sound conceited (and my self-love is nodding profusely in agreement here).

Here’s what I know. Six months ago when I was in a relationship with Nick, I started talking to this incredibly amazing guy, the son of my co-worker. I felt an immediate chemistry, a pull that I had to keep in the back of my mind and heart because loyalty in my relationship was my utmost top priority to me. Nonetheless, every conversation that this guy and I had drew me in further. The way he looked at me. The way he told me he’d never quite met anyone like me before. How he told his mom that he’d never settle down with a girl unless they were like me.

I heard about how good of a guy he was, and then I got to directly experience this selflessness myself when he came to my rescue during my allergy attack.

I ended my relationship, and then we started working together again, but things were different. While the conversations were still amazing, and made my heart skip a beat, the certainty of the attraction I felt before faltered. Friendship was established (or so I’d like to think), but what changed from six months ago, to now? Other than my ending my relationship?

This curiosity is driving me nuts! I need to know! The old me would have been quick to blame myself – maybe it was something I did or said, is what I would have used to think. Now, I know better. It could have been anything. But, I need to know! If things weren’t meant to happen for us, or if I’m suddenly not that “ideal” girl anymore, then why!? What changed!?

I don’t need a relationship, and I don’t need someone’s love and affection to feel validated because I love myself dearly. With or without this guy, life will go on as it’s meant to. I know this.

But, the universe brought someone into my life, someone who has come to mean a lot to me, and now I need to know why. I let myself see the signs and I listened to the omens. I followed them, and they told me I had nothing to fear. That there was something real and tangible to this, that it wasn’t all in my head. I have this feeling in my heart too, that just… knows. I can’t quite explain it. I know the fear of it all is a direct result of the pain I’ve experienced, but I’m trying to move past that.

In “Choosing Me before We”, Christine explains that if you want to manifest your intentions towards someone or something, you can’t change your mind or be wishy-washy because all of that back and forth will make the universe sea-sick and negate the purity of your intentions. She says that you have to be open, aware and unattached of what signs/omens your intentions bring you, and to be practical but be open to possibility at the same time.

So, here I am universe, here’s my official declaration: I’m all in.

No more wishy-washy, no more back and forth, no more letting fear hold me back. I want to know why Dylan was brought into my life when he was, why it was so easy for me to fall for him. Why seeing him makes my stomach flip and why I can’t hold his eye contact for too long without feeling like I’m going to stop breathing. Why I’ve met someone so kind, and good, someone who made me feel like I could be looked at and appreciated the way I deserve to be. I want to know if there’s a possibility for more. I’m willing to do what it takes to find out.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here or what I’m supposed to do exactly. I promise to be practical – I’m not going to throw myself into this all willy-nilly, but I also won’t allow my fear to dictate my thoughts and emotions.

Three years ago, my heart was begging me to run, as far and as fast as I could, from Nick. The universe gave me sign after sign, omen after omen, that this guy would bring me nothing but pain. And I went back, every single time. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I regret nothing because I learnt so, so much. But my point here is that things are different this time around.

This time around, my mind is scared but I can feel my heart wanting to leap out of its chest. Last time, my heart was terrified but my mind was insistent.

I’m going to go with my heart on this one. There’s a reason for everything, everything is written, and more than anything, I want to know why. I need to know why.

I can feel my brain trying to tell me I’m being crazy, but I’ve witnessed way too much of what the universe can do to lose faith in myself or in this. I believe in what I’ve seen, and what I’ve experienced. I know there’s more to life than just the things that occur. There’s always more.

So there, that’s that. I’m all in. I think he may be working next weekend, possibly. If he isn’t, then… I don’t know, I’ll figure out how to proceed in that case, when the time comes. But if he is… I will be aware. I will try my best to figure out where he stands when it comes to me. And, I will try my best to show him where I stand, without coming off too strong. I just, I want him to know that I like him, when the time is right. I’ve never put myself out there like this before, ever. With anyone. Have I?!

Oh wow, yeah I have. With my first love, Aryan. That was the one time that I had to tell him how I felt. I was brave, and it was hard, and nothing turned out the way I hoped it could. Because he was scared, because he held back. And then, I moved on. And then life went on for the both of us, and we went on our separate paths. The timing never worked out for us. Maybe that’s also a part of the reason I’m so scared about this. I lost a really, really good friend, and the first ever love of my life. While that had nothing to do with me, per se, it was still a tough loss.

Life is life though. Everything happens for a reason. It probably just wasn’t in the cards, or written, for Aryan and I. And that’s okay.

I have this intrinsic knowledge within me that the time will come for me to be honest, when it comes to this. And then whatever happens after as a result, is exactly what was meant to happen. And no matter what does happen, I will be able to move forward with myself and my life knowing that I didn’t let fear hold me back from finding out if there could have been more.

Even now, I know the way I’m speaking about this is subliminally preparing me for the worst in order to protect myself, and that’s okay. Because, at least I’m finally willing enough to allow myself to go through it, without letting fear hold me back. And that’s all I can really ask of myself, you know.

I’m so proud of me. I’m listening to you for once, Heart. While my mind is shaking its head, and mouthing “I hope you know what you’re doing”, I’m telling you that I trust you. No matter what happens, I love you and I’ll be here for you. So, let’s see where this takes us. I’m actually kind of excited, because this might end up becoming a bit of an adventure in itself. We’ll see what turns up, and we’ll do it together.

I feel good. This has been circulating around in my mind for a little while, and rather than trying to distract myself from it, it was nice to finally face it and organize it all out here.

Anyways! I think I’m going to take that bath now. Before I go though…

I need to remember that, while this is important to me, my main priority this year (and for always), is me. School, family, friends, happiness, self-love and compassion, progressing and learning and growing, getting back on whatever track I was meant to be on. Those are the things that will take up the majority of my efforts as I continue on this year. I just wanted to remind myself of that.

Love love love,

Me.

Day 89 – March 30th, 2017

Hello, hello!

I don’t even know where to begin!!! There’s so much I have to catch up on, so I think I’ll prioritize what I want to write about and just go from there. Okay so there’s: St. Patrick’s Day weekend, Nick messaging me, my appointment with my counselor, realizations I’ve had as a result of the books I’ve been reading (what my values are, the honesty I’ve had to have with myself, my intentions as to why I want a relationship, not “need”, etc.), how I’ve been feeling lately, what my plans are for this summer. Okay let’s see… maybe I’ll start with Nick, then go onto my appointment, then realizations, how I’ve been feeling can tie in with that, and then my plans for summer, and if I find time, I’ll finish off St. Patrick’s Day weekend. Alright, that’s a plan! Let’s begin.

Okay so, on Sunday, March 26th, Nick messaged me randomly asking me if I was still close to Megan. I just wanted to note here, that my heart didn’t skip a beat and I didn’t feel any ways about him messaging me, much to my surprise. Like it was just nice to see that he had, that was it. Anyways, the reason he had been asking was because he wanted to show me how she looks constipated in some of her selfies, which made me die of laughter.

That turned into a conversation about what he’d been up to lately. So, he’s been working out a lot lately, and he quit all his internships! When I asked why, he said it was because he was starting up his own company, an international trading business. And that he was working on some big deals, which is really exciting. He also mentioned that the restaurant is doing really well, that they were recognized by Yelp and even received an award.

It honestly made me so, so happy to hear that everything’s been going so well for him and for his family! I told him everything’s been the same for me with school, and he gave me a little bit of advice about it, which was nice.

In a couple days, it’ll be the three month mark since we’ve broken up and honestly… our relationship feels like a faraway dream now. Sometimes, it feels like it didn’t even happen. But it did! It was such a huge part of my life, three whole years. I learnt so much about myself, what I don’t want for myself in a relationship but also what I do deserve. In leaving it, I’ve grown so much and come so far, and I think the same can be said for him. I think that whatever relationship he ends up in after our one, he’s going to know so much better the difference between healthy and unhealthy.

I think he’ll always remember me, and I know that relationship will always be a part of me, but when I think about it now, with everything I know now, I don’t think he was the greatest love of my life. I was definitely in love, head over heels – I grew to love him for everything he was, or wasn’t. I learnt about the extents of my forgiveness, my capacity for strength and healing. My ability to let go. But, that’s not the kind of love I want for myself.

Now that I know what kind of love I can have, and the kind of love I deserve, everything I’ve been through now palls in comparison. Now that I love myself the way that I should, I look forward to the kind of relationship I can have now – transformative, forever growing and learning, the ability to walk alongside someone instead of needing them to pull me forward, or holding onto them in the fear that they may let go.

I don’t “need” a relationship anymore – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. When it’s meant for me, it’ll come. I’m in no rush. It feels good to be on my own, for the first time in a very long time.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! The realizations kind of came through there ^ because a lot of that, I read and learnt recently. But that’s okay! Moving on now, my appointment with my counselor.

Okay so, I hadn’t realized how off-balance I’d become until I saw her yesterday. Ever since I got back from St. Patrick’s I think, or maybe even after Hawaii, I realized that I’ve been on go-go-go mode – with nowhere to go! What I mean by that is, I’ve been letting these days pass by in a blur of work, and watching shows, without really stopping to connect with myself and ask myself what I need. I used to do little spa days, take bubble baths, just so that my soul could feel replenished and recharged, because a part of self-love is self-care. I’ve forgotten that lately!

So yesterday, I told her about how my anxiety sometimes comes up when I least expect – even during my trip when everything was good! And she explained to me how, the brain makes a habit of worrying about things, and even when there’s nothing to worry about, it’s so used to worrying that it’ll worry about nothing and dredge up those anxious feelings, even if it’s for no reason. But, she told me that the way I was handling it was pretty good – when those feelings come up, I ask myself why I’m feeling that way, and try to think of anything I need to be worrying about. When nothing comes up, I distract myself until the feeling just goes away on its own. But, she brought up a new way of thinking about it that I would like to try the next time the anxiety comes up.

Self-compassion. Not once during those episodes, have I ever sat down to ask myself kindly, “is everything okay? Why are you feeling this way? Is there something I can do?” Instead, I wait for the feelings to pass. I don’t blame myself or get mad at myself per se, I admit it was a bit perplexing for a while, but I’ve never once extended myself the courtesy of compassion. I do need to be more forgiving and understanding towards myself, because all I have is me. If I don’t take care of me the way I deserve, then who really will? I can’t depend on anyone to do that for me.

Anyways, she ended up meditating with me for about a minute, and honestly I felt so, so centered afterwards. So, I think I’m going to make meditation a part of my every day, at least for a minute, just so that I can learn to quiet my “monkey mind”, or at least find out why it never stops so that I can come to terms with whatever is below the surface.

We talked about school as well, about how I was beginning to panic again because the idea of the timeframe seems to be one I am having trouble escaping from completely. But she assured me that everyone’s path is different, and she’s right.

It was a good little session, and I’m so glad that I’m seeing her. As I left, I thought about the person I was before the counselling – on the brink of an emotional and mental breakdown, sad, scared, numb, unhappy, how much I cried during my first few sessions. And now? I’m so much more at peace with myself now, than I was then. I’m so glad that I took the initiative to start taking care of my mental and emotional wellbeing. I can’t let that slip away from me, ever again.

She also told me to be patient with my downs though, because healing isn’t a steady climb upwards. It’s rolling hills that eventually lead up, but I have to forgiving and patient with myself during the downs, and she’s right.

Okay, that’s about two topics I’ve managed to cover, but now I have to shower and get ready for work. I also wanted to take a minute to meditate as well, and I don’t want to rush, so I think I’m going to cut this short for now, and finish it up when I get back from work.

I still have to talk about how I’ve been feeling and doing! I need to work on my time management too, come to think of it. Like, did I need to stay in bed that long? Well, it was nice to sleep in I mean.

Until later then!

Love,

Me.

Day 88 – March 29th, 2017

Hello! So today, I saw my counselor after not seeing her since January and I think it was much more needed than I realized. I need to know that I can look within myself for the answers that I’m seeking. The questions AND answers start with me.

I feel like there’s SO MUCH that I need to catch up on, in terms of logs. I STILL have to finish writing about what happened in St. Patrick’s weekend, I have to write about me and Nick catching up, I have to write about the uncertainties I’ve been having lately, as well as some of the recent realizations I’ve had as a result of the books I’ve been indulging in. But once again, it’s been a long day and it is late at night.

But tomorrow, I get to sleep in! I’ll actually have time to myself! So tomorrow, I swear to myself, I will write the longest log ever. Of EVERYTHING I need to write about and catch up on. Okay? Okay.

Time for some rest! Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 87 – March 28th, 2017

I did it! It took me all night, literally all night without a blink of sleep right up until the very last moment when I had to leave, but I did it. I finished the essay. And I’m free!

However, now I’m really, really tired. I wanted to write about some of the realizations I had today while reading “Me Before We” because this latest chapter was really insightful, but I’m super tired and I think I should get some sleep. I only got about an hour or two of it today.

I’ll write tomorrow morning before my appointment with my counselor! This week is turning out busier than I thought it would be, in a good way! It’s keeping me busy, which I like.

Anyways, until tomorrow! Bed is calling my name.

Love,

Me.

Day 86 – March 27th, 2017

Hello. So it’s pretty late at night, and my essay is due tomorrow morning, and I’m sitting here with literally zero motivation to write this essay. Literally none. Like I can’t even bring myself to care. Honestly though, I wonder why I always end up this way. I get these amazing bursts of motivation, but it never stays and somehow always turns into apathy. Is it because I choose to stay apathetic?

This is like that book I just bought – “the subtle art of not giving a fuck”. I give a fuck about the wrong things, and also don’t give a fuck about the things that I SHOULD give a fuck about. Which kind of worries me.

Okay me, care. Turn on the caring, flip the switch. Little voice says back: but… I don’t like stressing. Okay but, if you had just done the essay a long while ago in the first place, you wouldn’t have to be sitting here, stressing about it. Little voice: can we just… not do it? We’re already ace-ing the class. What’s one assignment? But, we can’t afford anything lower than a C in this class. And we could have so easily gotten an A.

I don’t have any motivation or will because I feel like I have no end goal. I feel like, even if I do complete my degree, I won’t have a job, so what’s the point? Money down the drain, and time wasted, all for a piece of paper. So what am I supposed to be doing? What can I be doing differently that will NOT waste my time and money and also allow me to do something that will make me happy and hopefully help people? What’s time efficient and cost efficient and also likely?

I don’t want to be miserable and bitter about all this. I hate the idea of me being negative. But, the truth is, I’m 24 and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have no end-goal, direction, I don’t know what my purpose is and I am literally aimlessly wandering through these days with no intent whatsoever. Everything has become a blur.

Okay, that was depressing. But, let’s take my head out of my ass for one second. What do I really want to do? Like really. Like, my dream.

I want to help people. I don’t care if it’s in an office, or where ever it may be, but I want to listen to people when they talk to me and know exactly how to respond, how to be able to help them turn their lives around.

When I look at it this way, the opportunities are endless. I could become a teacher. I could become a relationship therapist. I could become a social worker, in a hospital or a school or where ever. Yes, it’s going to take time. It’s going to take money. I may end up having to stay in school until I’m 30. But, in the end I would find a way to make things work. But nothing is going to change now unless I GET MY FUCKING ACT TOGETHER.

I have the power to change EVERYTHING about my current circumstances. Getting my petition together, polishing the letter, collecting the rest of the CPS’s. Handing it in. Taking the summer off to work, maybe finding another job to save money. I can’t just sit here and lament about how much I don’t care because it won’t get me anywhere.

Yeah, I really don’t want to write this fucking essay. But, that’s just in my head. I need to suck it up, spew out some bullshit and move on. University isn’t nearly as hard as I’ve made it out to be. I’m smart and I am perfectly capable of excelling if I just cared enough to.

I still have stuff to write about from the past couple days, but right now, this essay’s got to take priority over everything else. Tomorrow, after a long day of going to tutorial to hand it in, as well as my work shift, then I will sit down and type out everything I’ve missed writing about in the past couple days. Okay? Okay.

I can’t believe how much I’ve begun to crave and need sleep. I’ve never been like this before. I wonder if it’s because I’m getting old, LOL.

Okay, off to write this essay I go! 2000 words should be a cake-walk. I mean, here I am with over 87,000 words right?

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 84 & 85 – March 25th + 26th, 2017

These days have been flying by so quickly, quicker than sand through my fingers. I feel like I barely have time to write these logs or reflect – yes, partially because work has been taking up a lot of my time. But, also because lately I haven’t been budgeting my time wisely.

I didn’t get a chance to write on Saturday – about how my shift was pretty much miserable without Dylan to talk to, but that talking to Sera made things pass by faster. Or about how I met a guy at Drake Hotel during Adelaide’s birthday and was this stunningly confident person I’ve never seen before. But, I do want to write about those things.

I want to talk about today too, how I once again spent a lot of my shift talking to Sera, which was a great comfort actually. And about how that cute guy did end up texting me. And about how Nick texted me out of the blue, and we ended up catching up.

But, here’s the thing – it’s late. And I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. And I have an essay that’s due the day after that, an essay that hasn’t even begun to be formed in any way, shape or way. I’m stressed, I’m once again experiencing my zero motivation mood, and I can’t stop thinking about how I feel like I have literally no direction in life because I have no idea what I want for myself or what’s right for me, ergo I have no idea what decisions I should be making now because I don’t know where I’m meant to end up or what I’m meant to be doing. I don’t even have a dream.

But something just happened that made things a little more bearable. As I was sitting here, zoning out, staring listlessly at this log, I heard a voice in my head. My own voice, except… clearer. Definitive. Full of purpose. And all it said was, “it’s going to be okay.”

Startled, I asked myself “is this my intuition?” and the voice said, “yes. I know you’re stressed. I know you feel like you have no purpose and that this essay is stressing you out because you feel like you can’t write it. But it’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay. For now, type up this log, and then go to bed because you have a long day ahead of you. You’re going to go to class. You’re going to see your counselor tomorrow. Just get through this week, get through your exam, and then figure out what you want to do for yourself. No matter what, know that it’s going to be okay.”

Shaken, all I could do was thank myself, nod, hug myself and now here I am typing this. I’ve never heard that voice so clearly before but, I want to hear it. I want to listen. I’m so tired of not knowing. I’m so tired of autopilot. I want to know. I need to know, what was meant for me in this life. I won’t ever know until I start listening and start doing.

I’m so scared. I have so much guilt. I have that precipice feeling again.

I don’t know what it is I need or want for the long term, but my intuition is right – I must do what I can for myself, for now at least. And so, I’m going to go to bed. I’m going to face tomorrow with positivity and hope, because even if I’m losing a battle tonight, I’m not giving up in this war for my future.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it’s a new week, and I will make the best of it.

Don’t ever forget – in this life, you have YOU. You HAVE TO take care and love YOU. Forgive yourself. Know yourself. Push yourself. You HAVE a purpose in this life. Don’t stop trying to find it, some way, somehow. Okay? I love you.

Until tomorrow,

Love, always,

Me.