Day 10 – January 10th, 2017

Hi! So, it’s late and I am very slightly drunk? Tipsy? I’m not completely sure. I’m having a harder time typing than I normally would anyways. Um, I did something not good? I mean, I don’t regret it because I thought I was good but clearly I kind of fooled myself into it.

Nick’s sweater came in today. The one that was supposed to come at Christmas. I thought I would be okay messaging him asking if he would want it and he pointed out that we were STILL talking a lot. Well.

Either I actually thought I was good, or I gave into a moment of weakness today, I don’t know. Possibly the weakness. He didn’t reply. I deleted our conversation. Our conversation that holds years and years’ worth of conversations. Will I regret it tomorrow morning? Possibly. Right now though? Nah.

He’s right though. I thought I was messaging him under the guise of friendship but he somehow managed to catch that it was more than that. Good for him. Clearly I wasn’t there yet but I am now.

I want to love myself so deeply that things like this don’t bother me. Actually, I did manage to make it through the rest of the night without bothering to check my phone, so that was good. I want to continue that way. Today, for the first time since we’ve broken up, I am a lot less in love with our relationship and him, than I am with myself.

I finally told the girls from work about our relationship during girls night and it felt gooooood. Like, in the course of our entire relationship, I never let myself hate him for what he did to me, cheating on me. But you know, it is a little therapeutic to talk about the cheating. I don’t hate him obviously. But you know what?

I can’t spend all this time with the intention of planning to STAY in love with him. It just won’t work. If I’m going to love myself completely, I have to let go of that love. I can’t hold onto it and expect to love myself completely. I’m not saying that I can’t be in relationship where it’ll be either I choose myself or the other person – I just mean in this case, he was my… kryptonite? He was my weakness. The relationship was my… not weakness actually, but like my vulnerability.

I have to be vulnerable with myself before I can be vulnerable with anyone else. If anything, this taught me that he and I can’t be friends or talk the way we did for a very, very long time. He just seems to know that quicker than I did, but that’s okay. No hard feelings.

I’m not going to message him. Not for a very, very long time. I told myself not to message him until it felt like I no longer felt the NEED to message him, and I need to stick to that. Not out of anger or pride though. Out of self-love, and self-respect. No more!! You’ve indulged in your moment of weakness and it felt normal and good for one moment. No more. Take what you know as “normal” and throw it out. This is no longer a person you can speak to on a daily or weekly basis. LET GO.

And be okay with letting go. There’s literally nothing wrong with it. It’s okay to be alone, and to sometimes to not be okay with being alone. Because eventually, you WILL learn to be okay with it. You’re human, so moments like today we’re bound to happen and there’s nothing wrong with that. It just proves that you cared. That’s all. But it’s time to start letting go, for real now.

Be okay with your loneliness. Let him live his life without you, in complete and totality, for a long while. You will never ever know if it was real if you don’t DO this for yourself and for him. Take yourself out of everything you once knew and throw yourself into the unknown.

Hey you – yeah you. Stop regretting messaging. Stop feeling bad. It’s okay! He wasn’t trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Literally nothing he said had any mal-intentions towards you whatsoever; it was just something he pointed out that went against your original wishes.

Let it go, let it be. Just be you, and let him be him. I think that’s a song. Don’t be ashamed. You’re human. You’re not superhuman or THAT capable of letting go of such strong feelings so quickly. It’s OKAY. It’s okay. Just love yourself. Hug yourself. Let yourself know that tomorrow is another day where you get the chance to be strong again. Okay? Do it now.

Do you feel better? Yes, yes I do. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just do whatever else you have to do for yourself from now on, and by the way? NO. MORE. MESSAGING. You got that?
Go sleep now.



Day 9 – January 9th, 2017

The amount of things that can happen in 24 hours’ time never ceases to amaze me, honestly. I’m on the last hour of Day 9 so I’m going to try and get this out as quick as I can. I mean, I don’t mind going on after 12, but also I’m really tired because it’s been a very long day (went back to school, had a full time shift right after.)

So yesterday, I put everything away like I intended to do. I put all of our stuff into a box, amazed at how many memories we managed to make together in our three years’ time. And then I started thinking. I wanted to keep everything. Including the cards I wrote him, and the book of memories that I made for him. But, the only reason I wanted that stuff was because I thought that maybe he was so angry with me, that he would throw everything out.

So after much hesitation and deliberation, I sent him a message asking him if he was planning on throwing everything out. And that if he did, it would be understandable. But if that were the case, if it would be okay for me to have everything instead, seeing as I wanted to keep it all. Within five minutes or so he messaged back, and the conversation that followed made me glad that once again, I went with my gut.

He said he was keeping all my gifts, and that he wasn’t angry at me anymore (much to my surprise). I told him that resentment like his doesn’t just go away that easily and that he should take more time if he needed it. But he assured me that all was good, and that there were no hard feelings.

He ended up telling me how he wasn’t mad because he just felt like he needed to get all of it out. He said he had no idea he had felt that way, but he felt relieved after sending it. He mentioned he had a bit of a restless night afterwards while waiting for my reply, but that he felt better after reading it. He said he felt centered, and didn’t hate me.

I told him I was glad that he was keeping the stuff, and that I was glad he didn’t hate me. He once again told me to text him when I was ready, and I told him to tell me if it was okay with him when I did. And then we bade each other good bye, as healthily as you please.

I have no idea how, but within a week we managed to get through pretty much all the stages that a break-up entails. From sadness, to loneliness, to anger and resentment, to acceptance. Full circle in 8 days. Not bad. One thing I forgot to mention he said: he said he wished he had looked into his feelings earlier, because things would have been much different. To which I agreed, regarding myself.

Today, I encountered things that made me want to message him. But I held back. I think I know that I can’t message him until the urge to message him goes away. I can only text him again when it no longer feels like a necessity. I don’t know when that’ll be, but I intend to be patient with myself. I’m sure eventually, it’ll get easier, and we’ll be able to talk again.

I love how much we’ve already grown in all of this. I hope that this huge change spurns an incredible amount of growth in each of us. I’m already so looking forward to the day that we can catch up, a day that we’ll no longer be tied with sadness, loneliness, or heart break.

Anyways, moving on. I’ve been reading this book called “Madly in love with me; the daring adventure of becoming your own best friend”. And it is AMAZING. I’ve been reading it slowly, taking everything in little by little, doing all the exercises she’s been asking me to do. And already, my mind frame is changing. I’m noticing more that I’m actively trying to create self-love in everything I say or do. And it’s beautiful. Already, I’m generating a more genuine and sincere happiness. A happiness that’s coming from myself, from within.

There was this one exercise – on one piece of paper, I had to write all the things I hated about myself. There was a lot. It made me sad, to see the ways I thought about myself deep down. There was so much resentment towards myself, so much doubt. But then, on another sheet of paper, I had to take every single one of those statements and transform them with love. It was beautiful. It helped me to come to terms with all the things I had internalized. It was actually very, very therapeutic.

Some time ago, I read a book called “Outwitting the Devil”. And whether I knew it or not, that book set off a change in me – a shift in consciousness. Suddenly, I began to thirst for more self-awareness. I began to crave change. And here I am today; writing every single day, making sure I stay in touch with my thoughts and emotions, reading self-help and self-love books, teaching myself to love me and adore me, I extricated myself from a relationship that had turned unhealthy without either of us knowing, I’m in therapy, and I’m trying to do better for myself and for my life.

I am so incredibly lucky that this happened to me now. I’m so young, only 24. This level of awareness doesn’t come easily to most, and sometimes it comes quite later for others. Of course, everything happens as it is meant to, but nonetheless. I am lucky. I am blessed.

I’m so excited to love myself so wholly that all of the doubts, fears, anxieties and insecurities get stripped away. I can’t wait to see what I can do.

Which reminds me! As I come to terms more and more with where I am in life, I realize that something huge that’s been holding me back is a fear of my parents. Specifically, I fear my parents judgement of me, I’m afraid of their disappointment in me, that I’m not going along to their plans or schedule for me.

I will NEVER, literally NEVER be happy if I continue to think that I’m a failure because my life is NOT going according to whatever they believe is right for me.


I need to tell them. I need to tell them where I am right now, how long it’s going to take me to get to where I want to be, and most importantly, THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT I’M OKAY WITH IT ALL. I can longer stand to be disappointed or ashamed of myself because I haven’t fulfilled their personal expectations of my life.

This kind of change of self doesn’t happen overnight. Am I still scared? You bet I am!

But, my need for happiness, contentment in myself, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness is beginning to outweigh the fear of their reactions.

I don’t intend for this kind of self-awareness to be a “phase” in my life. I want to shed the person I was like an old snake skin, and be reborn into a person who knows nothing but self-love, confidence, and happiness that comes from within. I intend to maintain this awareness, acceptance, self-respect, happiness, self-love, and confidence for as long as I shall live. Never again will I be alone because I HAVE ME. Because I’m finally falling in love with myself, and it feels so, so good. And I intend to stay in love with myself, forever. I’m going to marry me before I marry anyone else, LOL.

But honestly though, like you know wedding vows? “Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded so-and-so in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, etc. for as long as you both shall live”? Why don’t we ever make it a priority to promise and vow those things to OURSELVES, before we promise them to someone else? Do we love ourselves when we’re sick? When we’re poor? When we believe we’re lacking somehow? Because we really, really need to. How can we promise someone else something like that before promising ourselves?!

Self-love should be a constant in ALL circumstances of life. I’m pretty sure now that self-love is the key to all things good in life. Where has it been all this time?! Either way, I’m glad it’s finally made its way into my life now, not a moment too soon.

Anyways, I think it’s about time that I treat myself to some sleep. Sage is coming over tomorrow to dye my hair (possibly, depending on the snowstorm), and I think it’ll be a nice welcome change that’ll make me feel good, which I deserve. I love that I’m becoming so loving of myself, knowing that I do deserve to treat and take care of myself.

It’s important to celebrate the little victories. The little battles that you fight with yourself that are won, inevitably add up to the larger scale war that goes on within us on a daily basis. And while I may not win every battle, I do intend to win the war – every single day, I will fight self-doubt, self-loathing, harmful habits, shame, embarrassment, anger, impatience, and all the things that bring me more harm. I will fight, and I will win. I know I have it in me.

Oh how I love you, me. I am proud of you. No matter what the little devil voice says in your head, like it did just now, (why are you hugging yourself, are you crazy) you KEEP ON FIGHTING TO LOVE YOURSELF WITHOUT BOUNDS, UNCONDITIONALLY.

I love you, have a great sleep!



Day 8 – January 8th, 2017

Good morning! It’s bright and early on a Sunday, and boy did things happen in the span of about 7 hours. I woke up around 5 am this morning, and for some reason, I reached out for my phone. Heart skipping a beat, I saw that Nick had sent me a message. But it didn’t seem like just any message – it seemed full of intent, and lengthy.

So I read it. And man… it was a message full of anger and resentment.

I want to say that I had no idea he resented me, but am I really surprised? My breaking up with him left him with nothing, because our relationship was a shimmering illusion that made us both feel like we had everything. It made us feel like we needed nothing else. I wrote a response, but there’s something I want to acknowledge to myself first.

He kind of made me out to be some villain, a terrible girlfriend who deviously plotted out isolating my boyfriend from the world so that I could have him all to myself. I never, ever, ever, ever meant to make things like that. I know that in my heart. He always told me he hated everyone. I know I should have encouraged him to hang out with people more. But I NEVER wanted things to end up the way they did. I never realized how unhealthy our relationship had truly become until now, knowing how he really feels about me.

Anyways, I wrote a long response back, addressing everything he said:

“I know you don’t expect a response from me and just wanted to get all the thoughts out of your head, (which is totally understandable, I hope you feel more relieved now) but, I just wanted to acknowledge some (if not all) of what you said. I don’t know if it’s in an attempt to answer some of your questions or to explain myself but either way, I feel the need to and I hope that’s okay.

I know weren’t stopping me or discouraging me from ANYTHING. Literally, when I wrote what you read on that day, that was something I explicitly noted – that you always, always supported me in everything I wanted to do. That you never held me back, that you always gave me my freedom to do what I needed or wanted. That was a huge part of why this was so hard for me to do.

If you couldn’t tell by how much I was crying on the day this ended, this hurt me too, so much. I wish I could have explained better in person why I wanted this, rather than letting you read something I wrote, out of being unable to express myself.

You encouraged me to be my own person, do my own thing, be my own person, hang out with my friends, do whatever I wanted to or needed to. I didn’t do the same for you. You were self-sufficient before me – I wasn’t before you, or even during our time together. Why? Because of my deep-seated insecurities and anxieties, ones I had long before you, and ones that grew during our relationship. Insecurities and anxieties that I need to work on and eradicate; yes, on my own, by myself and FOR myself.

I’m sorry that I only realized this truth now, so deep into our relationship. But you’re right – I do want to do things on my own for a while. Things that I thought I wasn’t capable of doing on my own, or for myself. Not because I EVER thought you were holding me back or stopping me. Not because you EVER put my ideas down or discouraged me from being my own person. But, because I haven’t been on my own for a while. Because I finally realized that I can’t be in a healthy, well-functioning relationship until I properly and truly love myself, until I’m confident and comfortable with just me. But also, and importantly, because I didn’t want to feel exactly what you feel towards me now – resentment.

You have every right to resent me, and our relationship, for the way you’re feeling right now. You noted that you were totally self-sufficient before our relationship, and that I took that away from you? I didn’t mean to. I honest to God had no intention of isolating you from others. You need to know that, to somehow believe that. It was the LAST thing I ever wanted for you. Looking back, the same way you are now, I regret so much – I regret monopolizing most, if not all, of your time at university. I regret not encouraging you to branch out more, to do your own thing and hang out with people other than me. I never, ever, ever meant to make myself the only person you could rely on, just to suddenly take that away. I can’t begin to express how sorry I am for that.

Being completely honest with you, you’re totally right – despite the happiness, our relationship was clearly unhealthy. Looking back now, I think the “tension” you mentioned was whatever fear and anxiety I had left over of you cheating on me. (Actually, even before that, I know I was insecure about our relationship.) But to me, the worst of it came after that.

All I knew was that one day, you went out with your friends, and the next day, my entire life was turned upside down because you decided to sleep with one of them. So, did I encourage you to hang out with people the way I should have? No. Was I intentionally trying to hold you back from having friends as a result? Absolutely not.

However, I do understand that not encouraging you was wrong, however unintentional it might have been. I’m not asking you to excuse my jealousies or the tension I created – only that you try to understand why they were there in the first place. Whatever security I was lacking in myself, came out into our relationship. Even that time you went out with that guy friend of yours to a bar to see him off; even though you explicitly told me you weren’t drinking, I tried my hardest to hide the intense sense of fear and anxiety I had at the thought of it.

Me feeling anxiety about you wanting to go out to a bar with a friend, should NOT exist. In a healthy, well-functioning relationship, you should be able to go out with whomever you want, enjoy your evening drinking or not drinking, without me sitting at home, preparing myself for the worst possible outcome. Bringing this all back to my point now – a main reason I did this is BECAUSE of my own personal insecurities that I need to work on.

Our relationship was not healthy or well-functioning because I MYSELF was not healthy or well-functioning, due to the insecurities I have. And, they clearly made it into our relationship and made it into something that wasn’t healthy for either of us. And now, you resent me. You felt trapped by the inequality of freedom in our relationship, something I didn’t intentionally mean to create. But that’s a huge, huge red flag of unhealthiness in what our relationship was.

At the end of your letter, you said you weren’t angry with me – I think you are. But you have every right to be. I don’t expect you to forgive me anytime soon. And even though I now believe this separation will be beneficial to the both of us, I’ve left you after taking so much from you, without meaning to have done so.

I tried to apologize on that day for what my insecurities did to our relationship, and to you, and you tried to brush it off – well, clearly it had a huge impact on our relationship and your current state of being, so let me apologize now. I’m sorry for making you feel isolated and trapped. I’m sorry for making you feel like you couldn’t do the things that I did, without making you feel like there was tension. I’m sorry for taking up so much of the time that you needed to grow as your own person, without me.

Without realizing, I became my own worst fear – the controlling, manipulative girlfriend, who was so afraid to get hurt, that she basically kept her boyfriend to herself. I can’t begin to express how sorry I am for that. That was truly the last thing I wanted for us, for you. I hope you accept my apology, if not now then one day.

I am definitely not angry at you for expressing yourself – if anything, I’m so happy that you did. I hope that you got out everything you wanted to say. I didn’t see this as an attack at all; trust me, I understand how good it feels to write everything down and get it out. And you had a lot to say. You have a lot to feel.

I’m going to work on myself now, and that’s what I intend to do for a long time. Those insecurities and anxieties I have stem from a place inside me that is deeper than I can understand, but that’s why I’m in counselling now. It’s something I should have done a long time ago.

Despite everything, you brought so much good into my life – you encouraged me to be more confident about my body; you made me feel like a goddess, something that I’m so happy stayed with me, and will continue to stay with me. You pushed me to believe in myself, to do better for myself, brought momentum and motivation to my life. You’re a part of the reason that I can really push for change in myself now, for the better. I’m going to continue to better myself, continue to grow as a person, to love myself the way you encouraged me to do.

My goal one day is to be able to be in a relationship where I don’t ask anything of the other person, because I’ll have finally found whatever I was lacking in myself. I only wish I could have done more good for you, too. I wish that I could have met you at a time that I had everything I needed to be in a healthy relationship. I wanted it to be healthy with you, so much. But it wasn’t. My selfish little heart wants to say, “maybe one day we can have that.” But I can’t be selfish. I don’t expect or even want you to wait for me to become whole. Live your life without me, find what you need in yourself and do everything you want to do.

My hope for you now is that you do all those things you wanted to do. Travel, better yourself, become self-sufficient again. Meet new people, make new friends, date girls who ARE where they want to be in life in every way, and see the difference that can bring to a relationship. And, most of all, I hope you will be happy. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I know that’ll take time, but it’ll come.

My deepest hope is that one day, you won’t resent me anymore. That one day you’ll be able to remember whatever good times we had, without your memories being clouded by the realization of how unhealthy our relationship had truly become. Please believe me when I say that was the last thing I wanted. And even though I really want us to be friends too, I think your heart needs to heal first. Take whatever time you need. Do whatever you have to do.

I don’t expect a reply, so this is where I say goodbye. I said I would message you in a while, but now I don’t know when, or even if, it would be appropriate for me to. I just want us to talk eventually, knowing that you don’t resent me. I think after this, you should choose when that time will be. I don’t mind if it’s months, or years even. Or maybe it’ll be never, I don’t know. I guess we’ll see how it goes as time passes. Take all the time you need.

I will always care about you. You became such a huge part of my life. And even though we’re heading in separate directions now, and even though you currently resent me, I hope that one day you can still remain a part of it, somehow.

Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Be that good person I know you are. Excel in your internship as I know you will. Pursue your ambitions and be successful. Do everything you want to do, that your heart desires for yourself. Grow, and live your life as fully as you can. Learn everything. And please, please be happy. Good luck with everything you do, and know that I wish you nothing but good and happiness, as you deserve.”

I’m pretty sure I said everything I wanted to say. He read it, and didn’t reply, but that’s okay too. Deep little part of me wanted him to assure me that he didn’t resent me – I can’t ask for, or expect that. He clearly does. Maybe one day, he won’t.

For the first time this week, I finally feel like I’ve gotten some kind of closure. The reality of our break up is finally sinking in, and I think I’m finally truly ready to start moving on with my life. For the first time since it’s happened, I am now completely sure that this is what was needed, not just for me but for him as well.

What if we had continued our relationship? His resentment would have grown, festered, inevitably come out at me in unhealthy ways. I would have stayed silent, dependent, and unhappy, deep down. Even though I didn’t truly understand the nature of why this was right, I went with my gut. And now, I finally do understand. Intuition really does never lead you wrong.

I still feel so sorry for the way he is feeling now, as a result of what our relationship took from him. What I took. I had a year to process and forgive him for cheating on me. And, I got to do that with him at my side too. Now, he has to process his resentment on his own. I don’t think forgiveness will come that easily. As I said to him in my response – he can take all the time he needs.

This whole thing kind of makes me worry a little now. When will I know that I’m ready for a relationship? Like a real, healthy, well-functioning relationship? My little voice is saying, “When you are happy and whole. When you are comfortable and confident with just you. When your insecurities and anxieties become distant memories, rather than the guidelines you live by.”

…I need to listen to my little voice more often. Either way, my focus here isn’t bettering myself for the sole purpose of being able to maintain a relationship one day. That’s just supposed to be a bonus. My real goal here is unconditional self-love, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, well-being and self-respect. My goal is to get my life back on track, for no one but myself. To be happy, to draw happiness from within myself, and from no one else. Those are my real goals for this journey that I’ve finally put myself on.

And so it begins. I can feel it in my… I don’t know, being? Whatever part of myself that seems to know best, that seems to know all. My intuition, my gut feeling. It’s telling me that now the healing will really begin. Today, I intend to put everything away. Every thing that needs to become a distant memory rather than a trigger for emotions. I know the sadness will linger for a while. But that’s okay. Because today, the strength began. The real acceptance, the closure.

Looking back now, there are some things that maybe I wished I could have added. Like, how I really think he should go to therapy. He can no longer speak to me about things, but he should be able to speak to someone. It’s so imperative that he continues to get his feelings out.

I also wish I could have conveyed to him, how much I loved him during our relationship. We were so compatible in different ways. I grew to truly care about him, in ways that no one I’ve ever been with got to experience.

Little voice is saying, “I know you want to hold on to the idealistic version of what your love was, and that’s okay. You love love. You never want love to be something that you view as wrong, or unhealthy. But it’s also okay to accept that sometimes, it just is. When you love someone but you don’t love yourself, you’re simply asking them to fill all the parts of yourself that are empty. The parts you were meant to fill on your own. And that’s a part of why the love feels so strong, and so right. Why it becomes so addictive.

One day, you will love yourself truly. And then when you share that love with someone else, it will be beautiful. If they love themselves the way you will come to love yourself, then the love you share together will be double the amount you’ve ever really known. Instead of trying to fill spaces in each other, you will celebrate your mutual self-love. The love you have for each other will be without conditions, without fear. That, is the kind of love you deserve. That, is the kind of love you can have, and the kind of love you’ll be able to give in return.”

Well gee, thank you little voice. You’re so right. It’ll be worth the wait. In the meanwhile, working on loving myself is an exciting prospect. I’m not alone, because I have me. And me is pretty great, if I do say so myself. I think I am a pretty good person – no matter what happens in life, I always try to keep my intentions as good as possible. I never want to hurt anyone intentionally.

I feel good about myself and how I handled the situation, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t suffered a great loss today. I think resentment is worse than hate. Hate has no direction – resentment is hate with purpose.

I’m going to be sad for some while to come. Things are going to come up that make me remember, things that make me re-encounter the feelings I so vividly experienced with him. And that’s okay. Sadness is a part of healing, a part of life.

It’s time to learn how to be my own best friend. And he said before me, he used to know that feeling. I hope he can get it back again. I know he will.

This week will be busy, there’s a lot for me to do. I will have distractions. But that doesn’t mean I can avoid my feelings. I really shouldn’t. So in the moments that sadness does over take me, I will let it. I will let myself feel it all the way down to the tips of my fingers and toes, let it flow out of my eyes if it needs to. Because I know that that’s what it takes to really heal, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

I told him I will always care, and I meant it. I always will. But that little part of me that held out hope for the future, for maybe an attempt at a better relationship AND saving our friendship? It knows better now. I’d be lucky if we could salvage even a part of our friendship. And again, if that’s the case, that’s okay. I just don’t want to lose him completely. It’s just no longer my choice to make anymore – it’s his. So, time will tell.

I think that’s about all I can say for today. I have a lot to do – I have to work on my petition letter. I’m going to keep saying it to myself, over and over and over, until this becomes a reality. No more beating around the bush. It’s time. Time to take those necessary little steps in order to make up the big picture that is your future. So let’s get to it.

Love yourself always, and IN all ways.



Day 7 – January 7th, 2017

Hello, hello. So there’s about a half hour left of this day, which means about a week of 2017 has passed. And what a crazy week it’s been. I’m really tired, as it’s been a long day, so I’ll be keeping this log on the short side.

I have to say – last night while I was at work, Nick asked me if I had given any thought as to whether or not it was still too soon to be talking. And as much as I was tempted to wait until the night time, just so we could talk for the rest of the day, I knew the time had come.

I told him that I hated not talking to him, as it made me sad. But, I did feel like I needed more time. I told him I wasn’t sure of the time frame, only that I believed that things had to be difficult before they became easier. I told him I didn’t know what was right per se, because I never cared about anyone the way I cared about him. He immediately said he would stop, and bade me goodbye, but I literally couldn’t stop myself from saying “wait”.

And he did, but I was at a loss at what to say. All I knew was that I didn’t want that to be the last thing we would ever say to each other, but what were fitting last words? Unable to come up with anything, I simply asked him if he was okay with what I asked for.

All he could say was that he would see. I don’t blame him – I was basically asking him not to speak to me, albeit as kindly as I could. So I told him that it was nice speaking to him for those two days, that I would miss it, and him. And he said he would miss me too, which immediately made me tear up. I told him to take care of himself, to drive safely, and then I said goodbye.

We haven’t spoken since. All of today went by, and all was quiet once more. But, it was easier to endure today. I was busy, distracted, productive. Nonetheless, not a moment went by where he wasn’t on my mind, in one way or another. I think that particular aspect is going to take a while to go away, if it does at all. Then again, I now have all the time I need.

I wonder how he’s doing. I wanted this for him, so badly. I want him to branch out, meet new people, depend less on me. I wanted him to understand that I can no longer be there the way I used to be, through this. I hope he doesn’t resent me, and deep down I know he doesn’t. I miss him, I really do. It’s so weird, having someone in your life on a constant daily basis for three years, and then all of a sudden not. It’s definitely going to take some time to get used to.

I don’t really know when I’m going to message him again. I’ve been going with my gut a lot this year, and so far it hasn’t led me wrong once. So, I’m just going to leave it. The day that comes where I pick up my phone and suddenly feel like the time is right – that’s when I’ll send him a message.

I’m off from work tomorrow, so I’ll have plenty of time to write a lengthy log if need be. I also have a lot of things I need to get done tomorrow, namely my petition letter. That’s going to be my main priority. I have so much more motivation to get my life back on track. I need to take advantage of this motivation as soon as I can.

Anyways, I think I’m going to get some much needed shut-eye, and write tomorrow.




Day 6 – January 6th, 2017

It’s honestly crazy how much can happen in one day. I was actually kind of tempted to write again yesterday, because of the amount of things that happened. But, I made it! Where do I even begin?

Let’s start with the fantastically amazing good news: yesterday… I booked a trip to Hawaii!!!!! I’M GOING TO HAWAII NEXT MONTH! When I say that everything is happening so fast, it’s definitely an understatement, LOL. But, this is it! This is what I’ve been looking forward to, what I’ve been meaning to do. I can’t wait to explore another country, while learning more about myself. This is what life is meant to be like! I’m so incredibly excited. I’m going with Luna and her sister.

This year has been off to such an amazing, crazy, unpredictable and spontaneous start, all because I’ve been taking matters into my own hands. Which just goes to show how much of our fate is in our power, if we just reach out to grab it.

And now, onto more pressing matters. Yesterday, while I was at work, Nick messaged me. He asked me if it was too soon, and without really thinking I said no, that it was fine. We actually talked on and off until the evening. And while at first, I was totally okay with it, it did make me wonder – what’s the appropriate time frame for being friends with an ex after breaking up? There aren’t really any guidelines on what’s right or wrong, so I know that it’s a matter of ones’ self.

I have to be totally and completely honest with myself, as I promised I would. So, how did I feel when he messaged? Well, I was happy. I missed talking to him. I think a part of me was hoping that it could be that easy – that all I would need is two days to grieve and mourn, and that we could just bounce back to being friends, no problem.

But now? I’m not so sure.

Oddly enough, it isn’t me that I’m worried about. When I told my cousins that I was feeling okay about it, I meant it. Which confused me, in truth. Shouldn’t I be hurting more? Didn’t I need more space, seeing as it was so soon? So I told him. I told him that I was wondering whether or not it was too soon to be talking again. That it couldn’t be this easy. And then, I realized why he had messaged in the first place.

He was lonely. And I think, it was really, really bad if he messaged me about it. He told me he didn’t want to bother me, but he needed someone to talk to. He’d messaged other people, told his family, but I’m guessing that no one provided him with the support or release that he was really looking for.

I suggested a whole bunch of other people, told him to go out, to have fun, to be happy. And he assured me, he knew it was bad right now, but just for now.

I woke up today hoping that he wouldn’t message me, but… he did.

And now that little part of me that’s logical is laughing at the little part of me that was hoping it would be easier than this. “Nice try, buddy”, it’s saying. But in all honesty, I’m kind of laughing along with it. I don’t think any less of myself for hoping it’d be easier – who wouldn’t?! I’m sure everyone wants to stay friends with someone they broke up with but cared deeply about.

There are a couple things I need to take into consideration here. Namely that I have multiple, humongous, love-filled, encouraging support groups in my life that shower me with nothing but positivity and strength to go through this. All he had was me. And now he doesn’t.

It’s easier for me to heal, to be okay with talking to him so soon, because I have so much strength and love coming at me from all these different directions, including myself now. I don’t think he has that, at least not yet. Which is probably why this is so much harder for him, than it is for me.

That being said, makes what I have to do so much harder. And what do I have to do, you ask? Well… as much as I would be okay with catching up, every so often… I think we need to stop talking, at least for a little while. And funny enough, it’s not even for me – it’s for him.

He still feels like he needs me. Loneliness has him reaching out for the only person he knows who can quell that feeling, and that’s me. But he has to learn how to be okay with being on his own. He has to embrace that loneliness, no matter how hard it gets. I can’t be there for him, the way I used to be. I want to be friends, but I can’t be his only friend anymore. (Or ever again, for that matter – how am I only realizing now how unhealthy that was?! I should have encouraged him to branch out more, but I can’t change that now.)

I’m going to give him just today. One last day to message me and say whatever else he needs to do. And then tonight, I’m going to tell him that I need space. Because, I know he’ll give it to me if he thinks I need it. But really, I think he needs it more than I do. And, I care about him too much to let him depend on me as much as he does.

Also, I think he’s smarter than I give him credit for. I’m pretty sure he knows all of this, just as well as I do. But, I also understand how easy it is to fall back onto the things you feel you need the most, when things get hard. I know I need to be alone, I think he knows this is what’s best too – but, it’s also easy to take up the guise of friendship to pretend we’re not hurting as much as we are.

My gut feeling is telling me that we can’t talk every day like we used to. We can talk sometimes, catch up, and still be a part of each other’s lives in the simplest ways possible. But, our everyday friendship was a huge part of what our relationship was, and that’s ended now. It wasn’t just physical – it was mental, and emotional. If we’re over, then we can’t just be over physically; we have to be over emotionally and mentally too, to a certain degree. Or else neither of us will be able to move forward and live our lives the way we’re meant to, in this separation.

I think that that’s what the real truth of this matter is, and what I need to remember moving forward.

He’s stopped messaging now. I took a really long time to reply, as I was writing this log. He read it, and didn’t respond. I think deep down he knows what I know, despite how hard it is to accept. I wish he wasn’t hurting as much as he was, and I wish that there was something I could do, but I can’t. I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t be his person anymore. Which is sad, but also just a matter of fact at this point.

Anyways, I think that’s about all I wanted to record in this log. Oh, I had another dream about mom. She, Olivia and I were trying to out drive some crazy car chase and people were shooting each other. And a shot got through our back window and shattered it, but Olivia and I were ducked. I think it hit my mom though? Because she suddenly went unconscious, holding onto her neck. And I still tried to save her, I was sad.

I guess that kind of makes me realize that, I need to reach out to her. She’s my mom, I can’t stay mad at her forever because she’s probably hurting just as much as I was, if not more. No one can handle seeing their children in pain, and I think my pain hit her deep and somehow turned into anger. I understand. I’ll see if I can talk to her somehow today. It’s strange, but I anticipate it’ll be like trying to talk to a wall. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t understand, but I still have to make some kind of effort anyways.

I have to do things now, like get my petition stuff organized, re-read what I have written of my letter so far, and see if I can add to it. I have to organize my agenda, get my dates in order for the next little while.

Being able to write every day allows me to marvel at how much can occur in 24 hours. And also makes me sad for all the time that passed last year that went unaccounted for. But it’s okay, because I’m doing things differently this time around. And it feels really, really good. Go me!



Day 5 – January 5th, 2017

Good morning!

So I had some really strange dreams last night, which made me realize that I failed to address one other important topic in last night’s log. And, it somehow managed to crop up in my dream, which usually lets me know that it’s definitely bothering me, on some level.

I dreamed about my mom. She was trying to talk to me, and I kept running down our street trying to get away from her. And then I woke up, and realized how much anger I really am harboring towards her.

The day I tried to tell her what had happened, in a moment that I was already in excruciating emotional pain, she merely added more pain on top of it. She yelled at me, threw things, in a ridiculous rage that made literally no sense to me whatsoever.

I did understand afterwards to some extent, that she didn’t quite know how exactly to react to what I had said. But, nonetheless, her reaction was less than appropriate.

It hurt man! I wanted my mom to be there for me, ask me if I was okay, and maybe even give me a hug? So yeah, I’m pretty angry, and I’m hurt, and I’m stubborn too. Yesterday, she tried to talk to me as though all were okay, and I yelled at her, asking her why she was speaking to me all of a sudden. She hasn’t tried since then.

But this morning, there were pancakes on the table. And a cup of tea, in my own new special mug. In her own way, I know that that was a peace offering of sorts. But I’m very much like her – when I get hurt, my pride gets very much in the way of logic. I want an apology. I won’t speak to her until I hear one.

Meanwhile, the little logical voice in my head is begging to be heard, piping up softly with, “she’s your mom. Just initiate the conversation and let yourself heal, because this anger isn’t helping you in any way.” I know it’s right. Eventually, I’ll have to do the smart thing and tell her how I feel, if not for her then for myself.

Looks like it’s going to be short log for today! It’s now 12:25 PM, and I’ve got to start getting ready for work. Luna and Marilyn are working with me tonight, so it should be fun, I’m excited. But before I go, just a quick little check in with myself…

How are you feeling?

I want to say I’m okay, but you know, the ache is still there of course. I’m thinking just a little bit less about him, but he’s always there in the back of my mind. I keep wondering when I’ll be ready to message him, like what the appropriate timing for that would be – not just for myself, but for him. Like, I don’t want him to feel like it’s too soon. I would obviously ask him to be honest with me afterwards if anything.

Maybe I’ll give it like two weeks or so.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. Until tomorrow then!


Day 4 – January 4th, 2017

It still feels so unreal to me. Yesterday, I woke up being in a relationship, and went to sleep being out of it. And today was my real first day of being without him. So how did it go?

I had plenty of distraction at first. I was with my cousins, which was really nice. I met up with a good friend for brunch, also a great distraction. And now, I know that the moments that I am alone will be the moments that I dread the most.

It hurts. It hurts so much, all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I regret it so much; I keep staring at his name in my phone, mentally screaming at him to come back, when it was me who left. Every fiber of my body is telling me to message him, to tell him how much I miss him, to tell him that I made a mistake. It’s taking everything I have to hold back from doing this.

A part of me is still in shock, because it happened so suddenly. Everything reminds me of him, but I’m not ready to put anything away yet. It feels like there’s a constant battle going on in my self, at it looks kind of like this:

“Are you insane? How could you let go of someone who supported you so much? Your best friend?”

And then, I try to tell myself, “this is exactly why I had to do it. Because I feel like this, like I don’t know how to go on, like he’s my everything. Until I can learn how to be alone, truly independent, then I can’t be with him or anyone else.”

But it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I know that eventually, it won’t hurt as much. But for now? It does. Like a constant ache in my chest. All I can think of doing is finding ways to distract myself so I can think of literally anything else. But the distraction is only temporary – the pain just feels unending.

I didn’t realize how much a part of my life he had become, until now. I know my friends and family are there for me, readily waiting for me to message or talk to them, if need be. But, it just doesn’t feel the same. It feels like such a big void – a Nick shaped void, LOL. And no one but him can fill it. He had a very specific place in my heart and in my life. Either way, despite that, I’ve been so incredibly lucky to have such a huge and loving support group. The love, support, kind words and encouragement are endless.

I keep hoping that time will pass by more quickly, because I’ve directly seen how time heals all things. But, I know I have to let myself feel these things completely, or else I won’t be healing properly. So here I am, embracing all the tears and sadness and ache to the best of my ability.

I know I’m going to be doing an emotional check-in with myself, three months from now. So, I’d like to write in detail what my current mental/emotional mind frame is when it comes to him and our relationship, so that I can compare it to my three month mark log.

Emotionally: as mentioned before, there is constant ache; I miss him incredibly, in all the possible ways that I can. I cannot stop replaying the break up in my head, on a loop, as those are the very last memories that I have with him now. I keep thinking about old memories, re-reading old conversations, trying to fill the void somehow, in any way. I keep trying to show myself how real everything was – all the jokes, and the laughter, the sweet little moments, the way we spoke to one another. There’s a part of me that’s so scared to forget, that I keep reminding myself. (This probably isn’t the healthiest way to go about things, but I also understand that there isn’t any “guidebook” to getting over a break up, so…)

It’s extra sad, because my first instinct is still to turn to him, to tell him how much it hurts. He’s been the person I’ve come to about everything, for the past three years of my life. But I can’t. Because he’s probably hurting too, so much, and it would be so selfish of me to turn to him when I’m the reason he’s feeling the way he is.

Every part of my heart is screaming at me to take it all back, make it right again. To focus on school while still being with him, knowing that he will support me every step of the way, encourage me.

When will I know I did the right thing? When will this stop feeling like such a huge mistake? When will I stop regretting the moment I began to feel like I needed to end this?

Everything feels so wrong. Every part of me is telling me now, that I didn’t need to do this. That instead of ending the relationship, I could have had a conversation with him first, instead of just having it with myself and making the decision on my own.
I thought that I had thought it out as carefully and rationally as I could, but maybe I didn’t give myself enough time.

Okay me. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Right now.

Listen – it hurts so much because he was the love of your life, and most likely the biggest one. You let him go so that if one day, you find your way to him again, it will be right. You will be whole, and strong, and have done everything you had set out to do, knowing you did it on your own. Whatever relationship you engage in at that point, you will never have to second guess or doubt, no matter with whom it ends up being.

It hurts so much because you’ve never loved anyone the way you love him. It was big, consuming, passionate, and raw, but also a warmth and contentment unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. But the fact that you walked away from that, and voluntarily so? It means that you know how much that love was worth. It was worth more than staying together just for the sake of comfort. This kind of love was worth risking it all so that you could find yourself, and maybe, just maybe, be able to have it again. But, also understanding that it may be lost for good. That’s HUGE. It’s scary, so scary, and that’s why you feel like you need to go back to it, because you want it so bad.


Find yourself first. Know yourself, love yourself, do everything you’ve been meaning to do, and do it for YOURSELF. If this love was meant for you, it will remain there, in your heart, and in his. If this love was real and true, then time will literally mean nothing. Time will heal you, let you come to terms with everything, but it won’t chip away at whatever feelings you have in your heart. KNOW THAT. What’s meant for you will always find you. BELIEVE IN THAT.

You’re going to be okay. You know that, somewhere deep inside you. You know that despite the pain, the hollow ache, that every day is going to get better and easier to get through. You also know, that the reason that he let you go, the reason that he let you walk away, is because he loves you just as deeply as you love him. He wants this for you. He wants you to be happy, to do everything you set out to do, even if it has to be done on your own. So, honor that. Honor the sacrifices that both he and you just made. Be true to it.

…holy crap, I feel so much better. I need to talk to myself more often, LOL. But honestly though – throughout all of that, I took a moment to just hug myself, hold myself, tell myself that everything was going to be okay. This year is supposed to be about self-love, and for a moment I forgot that in this pain, I could turn to myself for support, too. I kept scrambling, wondering who I should turn to, who could make me feel better. Hello… me!!!! I’m right here!!! We’re in this together!! I have everything in my power to pick MYSELF up off the ground when I’m feeling this low. DON’T FORGET THAT ME.

That was actually such an incredible break through. I’m checking my heart right now, and in all honesty, the ache has lessened slightly. I know it’s obviously not going to be that easy, and there will be days where it all comes rushing back – the pain, the doubts, the fears. But this, this log right here, on Day 4 of this year – this is where I learnt that I can always turn to me, and that I will be here for myself.

As for wanting to message him; I just thought of an idea. How about a compromise? Why don’t we type everything we wish we could say to him, in here? Just so that I can get it out. Okay? Let’s go:

…and just like that, I suddenly no longer know what I would, or could, say to him. Because after that break through, I now know that I have already said everything that I needed to say. I guess all I would want for him to know, is that I love him, so much. That this was so hard for me. That right now, I feel like I will always love him and only him. But I can’t guarantee that, and he knows that full well. He doesn’t intend to wait for me, and that’s how I want it to be. It’s how it HAS to be.

I took a little break from this log to talk to my cousins, and I’m feeling immensely better now. They also helped me to realize that I need to accept all aspects of this; because with the bad, comes the good too. All the things that I have to look forward to help so much to deal with all the bad that I know I have to get through now. Things are going to get better. It’s an inevitability.

Today was huge. Today, there was some real progress made. And because I am getting back in touch with myself and writing every day, this progress I made with myself will always be here for me to look back on, whenever I am in doubt. What I’m trying to say is – I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

There are some other things I do need to address while I’m on this log – short term plans that I need to implement for long term results. Tomorrow and Friday, I need to gather everything I was working on in regards to my petition, and get moving with it. It’s about time that I get that letter written, because I’m finally coming to terms with everything that I’ve gone through in the past five to six years. It’s time to move past it all, and do what I can for my future, for myself.

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my counselor for Friday, January 13th, so I’m looking forward to that. But, before I go see her, there are some other things that I need to do that I promised I would – I need to go to the clinic at my school, and see a doctor about my possible ADHD symptoms. Classes start on Monday, and I intend to go to every single class and tutorial.

I finally have some plans that I am ready to implement and bring to life. These changes need to happen. I need to do these things for me. But while I’m here, I need to admit something…

Now more than ever, I am so motivated to bring about these changes and get my life on track because… I dream about the day that I walk across that stage to accept my diploma. The day that I can message him again, and tell him, “I did it.” Yes, because I want him to know and be proud of me, but also… it’s because in my tiny little hopeful heart, I am hoping that he really is the one I’m meant to be with, and that in that moment, he’ll come back into my life the way he’s meant to be. I’m such a romantic, LOL.

I can’t tell you how life is going to turn out. It might take three to four years to do everything I want to do. I can’t tell what’s going to happen in that time. That day dream, that’s based on how I feel presently. It may not be how I feel in a year, or two years, or however long it does take me to get to where I want to be. I just wanted to acknowledge it out loud to myself, right now.

I’m on day five territory now, seeing as it’s five minutes past midnight, so I’m going to draw this log to a close. All I really want to say to myself is, hug yourself more.

Remember that you’re here for you, too. You’re not alone in this. You can just as easily turn to yourself, as you should. You’re going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason, and finally… don’t ever forget; patience. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself heal in the ways that you need to. Don’t try to rush any of it – just go along for the ride, accept everything that comes, the bad and the good. It’s going to be alright, just you wait and see.