Day 63 – March 4th, 2017

So it’s 1:12 AM on Saturday, March 4th. I was watching “He’s just not that into you”, which is why I’m writing this log, which was originally intended for the 3rd, which was technically yesterday. And, I have to wake up really early for work tomorrow (aka today) but I’m still jet-lagged, so I’m going to have to keep this log short.

It’s funny that I chose that movie. Earlier, I had been thinking that I need to chill out a bit, and then I ended up watching that movie, which kind of drove the point home. In the movie, one of the main characters was obsessed with dating and all the nuances that it entails.

I’m not saying I’m like that – I love myself way too much to compare myself to that kind of Hollywood drivel.

But, I must admit there are little alarm bells going off in my head. I’m a little worried for myself. Because, I just got out of a three year relationship, but here I am already crushing on someone new. Why is that? Is it really because of all the amazing qualities I know thus far about him? Or, am I looking for something outside of myself, in someone else?

I told myself I was going to give myself time before I decided to let anyone else into my life. And while I’m not saying that something’s going to happen with us, and though I promised myself I would go with the flow on this, I do find myself looking forward to seeing him again.

Am I incapable of being on my own? Am I that afraid of loneliness?

My gut is telling me… no. I don’t need Dylan, but I do like what I know about him so far. Actually, I don’t really need anyone – I’m perfectly happy and capable of being on my own. I can take care of myself just fine, and I’ve been generating my own natural happiness in the past two months, with or without him being involved.

In which that case, it really doesn’t matter what happens with him. I care about the idea of it because he’s a genuinely good guy and very attractive, but I don’t need him to be happy because I have me.

Okay, phew. That’s good to know. I was getting a little scared there. Like I know I crush hard, but I never want to “need” anyone ever again, because I know that all I really need is me. I can make me happy just fine, all on my own.

It’s good to put things into perspective sometimes. I tend to get lost in my feelings and thoughts very easily. But you know, I liked the way things were, and are, going. We don’t see each other often. We talk when he works, which is like once or twice a month. I have things going on in my life that demand my attention, take up my efforts, and I’ve been so productive on the “reinventing and loving me” project. Crushes are fun, but I have the tendency to let them consume me because of how fun they are. I enjoy the thrill, the “will he or won’t he”, the rush and the chase.

As long as I make a conscious and continuous effort to make myself and my own well-being a priority, then I don’t see what’s wrong with letting this pan out as it could, or will. I just can’t actively pursue or put effort into it. Okay well, not a lot of effort I mean. Because I’m my own priority right now. I made my relationship with Nick a priority over both myself and my education, which is a big part of the reason I had to end it. So that I could focus on me again.

So just, be cautious. Don’t get caught up or swept away in the thrill of it all. Feelings are very real, very potent, and not to be messed around with. This guy, an all-around amazing guy, doesn’t deserve a half-effort kind of relationship. Like me, he’s someone who deserves it all. I’m not where I need to be to give it my all, not yet. And I don’t think he is either. So just, let things go as they do. Love yourself wholly first. Focus on you, on bettering yourself and getting where you need to go. The rest will fall into place as it’s meant to.

Thank god I write to myself, honestly. I get way too caught up in my own head and my heart, way too often.

Anyways, that’s that! I’m going to get some shut-eye, and starting tomorrow I’ll make more of a conscious effort stop replaying the same old memories over and over in my head just for the sake of feeling all warm and fuzzy. That feeling is way too addictive for a romance-junkie like me. Instead, I’ll try to live in the present moment, an effort that I’ve been trying to maintain since Hawaii. It’s been a challenge, but a rewarding process too.

Last thing before I go! That moment in The Alchemist that hit me so hard, the moment that filled my heart with so much hope that I cried, I’ve decided to get that as a tattoo. It was the moment where the crystal shop keeper told Santiago that he would not go back to his old life. And when Santiago shakenly asked the shopkeeper how he knew this, the shop keeper simply replied “maktub” – the Arabic word/phrase that loosely translates into “it is written”.

I have a personal legend too. I have a destiny, and even though I may not know that is right now, I have this hope in my heart that I can achieve it and live it, the way Santiago did. I just need to keep going on and never give up, even if my old life, a new and improved version of my old life, looks tempting. Because achieving your real purpose in life will never be easy – the best things in life are usually the hardest to come by. But, I believe that it is possible for me. I believe that I will end up exactly where I am meant to. Because, “it is written”. Everywhere I go, everything I do has a meaning, has a reason. I was meant to end up in Hawaii, meant to read that book. I’m finally ready and willing to listen to the world around me, to really hear the universal language of the world. I want to know what I am destined for. I don’t want to settle for anything less. And so, I want “maktub” to be a part of me, to remind me constantly, when I am tempted to give up, when I am tempted to settle, that my destiny is written… I just have to find it, and really give myself over to achieving it, in everything I do.

I’m so happy. There’s so much good that’s occurring so far this year, so much growth and learning. And, it’s all coming from my decision to love myself, really love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I never want to go back to what I once knew. Not now, not when I know how good life can be when you truly care for and love yourself.

Alright, this log turned out longer than I expected! Off to bed with me. I’ll write tomorrow (later today), when I get back from work.

Until then! Love, love, all ways and always,

Me.

*

Hello! It’s been a long day of work, and my jet lag is really starting to catch up with me. I’m feeling a little agitated! I wonder if it’s because I’m just grumpy from lack of sleep? I should probably get some rest. But before I do that, I’ll just write about how my day went because it was pretty good!

I had a great shift with my coworkers today, and I got to see almost everyone I missed yesterday. And, Sera came in!! It was so nice talking with her and catching up. I think the extent to which I respect her scares even ME a little.

I should just be myself! Which is what I’m doing, but I mean the part where I worry whether or not she likes me – if I’m going to really earn her respect, then I need to let that part of me go. I can’t seek approval. I just need to be myself, no apologies or trying to hide anything. I really like talking with her, and I’m an adult.

She’s taught me a lot. She’s really brought awareness to my life in the form of the books she’s recommended to me, and I’ll never really be able to repay her, and that’s okay. As long as she knows, that’s all that really matters. I love how much I’ve learnt from her thus far, and I aspire to be as sound in myself as she is.

She caught me up a little on how Dylan is doing – he’s going through with the tournament next month, and she’s a little worried for him, but she knows it’s what’s best for him since she knows how passionate about it he really is. She really wants him to travel, and she even said that she’s finally okay with him taking a year off to go train in Thailand if that’s what he really wants to do, because she could never imagine stopping him from doing the things that his heart is set on.

She’s such a great mom, honestly. I told her that I wish she were my mom, LOL. Oh, and I told her about how much The Alchemist really meant to me, and I got a little emotional and she gave me a big hug. I even told her about how I’m going to be getting the tattoo, and she liked the idea.

When I like people, I really, really like them. I get like, heavily invested. I wish I knew how to be more chill, but at the same time, this is just how I am. I care very deeply, always, I can’t change that about myself and I don’t think I really want to.

I feel a little better now. I always worry so much about what people think of me, I really do. But eventually, I’ll figure out how to change that about myself. One day, I’ll be able to separate how deeply I care about people from how deeply I care about what they think of me. Because in the end, it doesn’t really matter whether or not people like me – all that matters is how I feel about myself. If I’m happy with me, and who I am as a person, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, at all.

I’m so proud of myself for everything I’ve learnt so far this year. I still have ways to go, but you know, for this short time span, I’ve come pretty far.

I mentioned in my logs from Hawaii about how I had a tarot reading done for the first time ever, and how much of an amazing experience it was. To give some context to what I’m about to say now, let me just mention that at one point, Antonio pulled out the “devil” card, and warned me that there was someone from my past that I needed to watch out for, someone who would try to make a reappearance.

And, just right now… Don just messaged me!!! What on earth. I mean, I expected the reappearance, but not so soon… makes me wonder just exactly how accurate he was about the rest of his predictions for me. Like, “the man of justice” in my future…

The world is a very, very interesting place.

Alright, with that, I head to bed!

Love,

Me.

Day 62 – March 3rd, 2017

Home sweet home! It’s currently 1:47 AM on Friday morning, and I got home today (technically yesterday, Thursday) around five or so in the afternoon. And guess what? I did it. I DID IT. I told my mom that I’m not graduating this year.

I think I had such terrible expectations for the whole ordeal that it actually ended up being a lot less terrible than I thought it’d go. My mom just wanted, more than anything, for me to be honest and communicative with her. She hated more than anything, not knowing what was going on with me. And I told her that I understood that her fear was coming from a place of deep love, but that I couldn’t live with that level of stress and anxiety anymore. I assured her that I would end up being okay, that I would do what I needed to do, but I needed to do it on my OWN terms – especially because I would be the one who would have to live with my decisions afterwards, depending on whatever career I ended up going into.

I asked her not to take it personally and to never, ever feel like a failure for a mother – she’s done so, so much for both me and my sister and I will never be able to repay her. I respect her and I will always spend the rest of my entire life in complete gratitude towards her. But, if she perceives herself as failure, then in turn I began to perceive MYSELF as a failure. I in turn know now that I can no longer do that to myself, but I really hope she won’t do that to herself as well.

I told her I don’t want to live myself according to some timeline any longer because it was driving me crazy. Better yet, I said all of this in a completely calm, cool and collected manner. I did not get defensive, or upset, or angry. I am so, so proud of myself.

Everything I’ve set my mind to so far for this year, I have achieved for myself. And, it’s only been two full months that have passed of this year. I’ve ended my three year relationship in order to love myself more healthily and more wholly, I finished my petition letter, I asked for a raise, I began to prove myself more at my job, I travelled and saw a little of the world and awakened my inner sense of wanderlust, and now, I’ve finally done something that I’ve been putting off for years – I was finally honest with my mom about school.

Although the most difficult part is over with now, it’s not going to easy. Once the educational aspect of my life is fully back on track, the train that is my life will finally be on that path that I want it to be, after all this time. I can’t wait! But already, my inner happiness is radiating out of me in waves. I’m so happy and so proud of myself. I’ve done so much for myself in the span of two months, than I have over the course of these past six years.

I think my sleepiness is beginning to kick in now, but one last thing before I go. March 3rd (which again, was technically yesterday), was the two month mark of me and Nick’s break up. I was re-reading some of my prior logs, the ones from the beginning, and the difference of then from now is… astounding. I rarely talk about, think about or have any sort of feelings towards him at all. After our coffee get together, it was as though something in my heart healed in the best way possible.

He’s still in my system, but he’s slowly and surely working his way out of it. The same way I’m sure I’m working my way out of his, which is good. I still know, to this day, that breaking up was hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself, in my life.

Anyways, we’ll see how things go. I now think less and less about finding our way back to one another – I feel like that thought was more so a subtle safety blanket that unconsciously protected me from ever truly ending up “alone” in the future. But now? I love my own company. I love the idea of being “alone”. I would LOVE to live by myself.

So, now the thought of us ending up together one day down the road is becoming more and more of a distant idea. I settled for so much in our relationship – I settled for the cheating in order to work on our relationship, I settled for the lack of affection that I craved, I settled for the poor excuse that was our communication. But now, I want more. And I know it exists. I don’t want to end up with him again. Not when I know I can have everything I want, because I deserve it and I owe it to myself to be limitlessly happy, and unconditionally loved. No more settling, me.

What a great log for my first day back on Canadian soil! Tomorrow, I get to see all my coworkers again, which I’m so excited for. Also, I bought a little baseball souvenir from Hawaii for Dylan, so I’m really looking forward to seeing him again so that I can give that too him, as a little thank you for lending me his copy of the Alchemist, which was a huge, huge aspect of my travels in Hawaii.

I’m just going to let that happen as it does! We’ll see how things unfold. I’m looking forward to it all. Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 60 & 61 – March 1st + 2nd, 2017

Hello there! So I’m currently on a plane, thousands of thousands of miles up in the air. I just finished watching Moana, which I feel is the perfect way to say goodbye to this trip. I really think I was meant to watch it now, rather than before, to really appreciate the extent of it all. So much makes sense.

Heeding your inner call, no matter how many setbacks you experience and people telling you otherwise. Fulfilling your personal legend has been the message, over and over in so many forms.

I pretty much cried the whole way through! The sea turtle she brought to safety, when her grandmother’s spirit became the glowing manta-ray, seeing the ferns spring to life as the lush foliage grew again once Tefiti’s heart was restored.. I think I understand why I connected so much with this land, the story behind it all, its beauty. Who knows, maybe in a past life, I was Hawaiian.

It was so beautiful. I’m so glad I watched it. My heart ached as the plane took off; it really does make me so sad to be leaving. But, like Moana, I must return home from my journey as well. Changed, and better for it all.

This trip was absolutely incredible. Once upon a time, I used to see signs and omens everywhere. But then, society told me that those who look for signs will simply see them everywhere, to the point they mean nothing. “It’s all in your head”, they whispered to me. And so, I stopped looking. Head bowed, I walked through life and let the glowing colours of my own life force stop beating.

But now, it feels as though the truest essence of my heart has been returned to me. I am Te Fiti, growing again after going so long without her heart. I am Moana, conquering her fears and tirelessly working towards her personal legend, her destiny. That life force that was taken from me, and now returned? It’s hope. 

It is the knowledge that I will be okay, no matter what I do or where I go. It is this intrinsic instinct that knows I will always listen to myself, and to the world, and to the universal language of the world, so that I can always trust in where life will take me.

Even now, the little part of me that society has implanted in my brain is trying so hard to battle against what I have learnt. “Do you hear yourself?” It scathingly spits out back at me. “You sound like a spiritual loony bin. A happy hippie. You sound high.”

One day, I will completely and utterly detach that little voice from myself entirely. Society has had its way with me for years – it’s going to take a while for me to unwire and deprogram everything that has been hardwired into my poor brain and heart. But I will. I have faith. Now that I’ve begun on this journey of self-realization and self-love, there’s no stopping me now. I can’t, and I won’t, turn back.

I write now so that the minute I can feel myself faltering in my certainty, when things get hard, when life’s currents drag me under the water, I will read this and remember. I will remember that life is better lived in love – love of ones self, love of others, love of all. It’s better lived knowing that EVERYONE has a personal legend, but those who listen to the world, those who believe in the omens and signs – those are the ones who become one step closer to fulfilling it.

I will remember to hold onto my new-found hope, to treasure it so that my life-force never falters in colour again. Happiness is WITHIN me, always. I know this now. And I never want to forget.

I still have so far to go, but I won’t dread the journey. I have so much more to learn!! To grow, to see, to experience. I look forward to it all.

When I land back in Toronto, it won’t be as if I am waking up from a dream. I will land with purpose and the intent to make my life what I want it to be. There’s no going back now – only forward.

Sigh. I’m so excited. I feel this excitement within me, as though I’m travelling to a new destination. I just know that’s there’s so much more to come!!!! Every day can be a new journey no matter where you are, if you just choose to see it that way. Rather than just trying to make it past your day, why not embrace it and turn it into a new adventure?

I’m going to miss Hawaii a lot. But, I will never forget what it taught me. And one day, I will go back. I know I will.

Anyways, that’s that! When I get back, I will have to start sorting myself out again. Ready myself to face my parents, which I feel will be one of the biggest tests I will go through this year, in regards to my new self-love.

The journey continues.

Love,

Me.

Day 59 – February 28th, 2017

Aloha!!! So here I am, at the brink of the end of my very last full day here. Tomorrow evening, we leave back to Canada. It’s bittersweet – on the one hand, I hate to leave because I feel as though my finger tips just lightly skimmed the surface of an ocean that concealed a vast amount of hidden treasures. On the other, I miss my family, friends, cat and country even. I do love living in Canada.

I’ll be sad to go, but happy to return home. It’s time I get some things in order. I will not allow this trip to feel like a mere “escape” from my life in Canada – rather, I will bend and shape my life to fit what makes me happy, regardless of where I may be. I have that potential within my grasp, I just have to take the initiative to make it so.

We ended up doing the catamaran cruise today! It was so much fun – we drank authentic Hawaiian mai-tai’s as the catamaran playfully dipped and bobbed over the wild waves of the ocean. We spotted a beautiful sea turtle swimming, popping it’s little head up for air every so often. It was relaxing but also thrilling, especially when we were going against the waves.

After that, we went back to their ABC store to buy some souvenirs for our loved ones, and we got quite a bit of stuff. I can’t wait to give them out to everyone!!! I love giving away gifts.

It began to pour, but I was totally okay with that! I loved it so much, I was so happy to be experiencing what a real Hawaiian down pour felt like. I danced as I walked down the sidewalks, tilting my face up to the sky to really bask in it all.

And now, here I am lying in my bed, for one last sleep here. I think tomorrow, we’ll go for one last swim, maybe one last meal before we pack up and head out. Again, bittersweet. But ah, what a trip this has been.

I don’t think I expected it to be as growth-inducing and transformative as it was. But people told me it would be, and they were right. Because my mind and my heart was open to that growth, and I know now that it must always be, no matter where I am, in order for me to continue growing and learning all that I can.

I’m still reading my Christine Arylo book, but she and Paolo Coelho have both joined me on this trip and on my own personal journey and they have contributed to everything I’ve learned here. The Alchemist has taught me about omens, fulfilling my personal legend, never giving up on my dreams, becoming one with the wind, listening to the universal language of the world, and that everything is written. It gave my heart hope. It made my heart sing, laugh, cry and so much more. It made me realize that I must love my heart as it loves me and loves life and loves all.

Me Before We is teaching me that I must love myself wholly and completely before I can love anyone else. That I cannot change or fix anyone, that I wouldn’t want my “partner” to change for me either way because if they’re going to change, they should want to do it for themselves. It’s teaching me to stop playing the victim and to start owning my reality. It’s commanding me to remain honest with myself, in every way, and always.

And this trip, this trip has taught me that there is so much more to this life than I ever imagined possible. So much to see, to learn, to feel and to experience. It taught me to always be open to every opportunity, to remain open minded and go with the flow and to “hang loose”. It taught me to feel everything with every fibre of my being, to really live in the exact moment and to be present, rather than thinking of the past or imagining the future. And it revealed to me the exact way in which I can alleviate some, if not all, of the unrest that resides in my everyday life in Canada – through honesty with my parents, which is long overdue.

I will never forget what I learnt here. I will never forget everything I’ve done, felt, thought and seen, in each and every day that I experienced here in Hawaii. I will forever be grateful.

And with that, I bid adieu for now! I’ll write tomorrow, most likely on the plane back to Canada. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 58 – February 27th, 2017

Aloha!!! So today was yet another amazing day! There was also a lot of personal growth and realization to be had today, which I definitely need to make note of.

So, this morning we woke up and chilled for a little bit, trying to plan our day. It said it was going to rain today, but the day looked so nice, so we decided to head out to Diamond Head (the dead volcano) to go for our hike to the top.

The sun was out and the day was beautiful. It turned out to be the perfect day for our climb. As we hiked up and up, the view grew steadily more and more breath-taking. Again, Hawaii never fails to amaze me with its scenery – the lush greenery of the surrounding mountains and the way the blue of the ocean met the blue of the sky in perfect harmony could not be properly captured in my pictures, but I think I did my best.

The hike was such a rush! I felt so great, the endorphins were really whisking around in my system and I definitely got that full body work out. It was such a good feeling! I want to remember that feeling and make it my motivation to start being more consistent about working out when I get back. I think I need to incorporate more cardio into my routines because that’s what really got my heart pumping.

There were dark tunnels and winding staircases and rocky trails all the way up, making the hike a bit of an adventure in itself. And once we got to the top…

The 360 view was absolutely astounding. The crisp wind that was coming off of the sea was something I never want to forget. It felt as though we could reach out and touch the sky if we really wanted to. It was so, so beautiful.

We climbed over a little fence and sat on a flat rock surface that had no boundaries – everything was open and free. There, we let the view soak in. We even lied down to experience the way the sun looked in the sky. I closed my eyes and began to let my mind wander.

I imagined that I was speaking to the wind, the sun, and the “hand that writes all”, the way that Santiago did when he became one with the wind. I asked it to tell me what I needed to know. I talked to my heart and asked it the same question. And all of a sudden, the answer dawned on me, and in that exact moment, the wind began to blow a little stronger over me, as though to confirm my discovery.

Earlier this morning, I had a conversation with my mom that led to some severe stress and the increase of dread I feel in regards to going home. It was the same old song – you need to focus on school, what if you don’t graduate this year, etc.

This was my realization: I need to tell my parents, for once and for all, that I will NOT be graduating this year. In fact, I won’t be graduating at all for a while, at least 3/4 years.

I live in constant fear and anxiety, paralyzed by the idea that no matter what I choose to do, that I will disappoint them. But what about me?

What if, by forcing myself to finish school and getting a career I don’t even know I want, results in my own personal unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life? My parents will be happy, but I’m the one who will have to live the lie, live the life I never wanted for myself.

I have let my parents deep fears become my own. I have become so entrenched in this idea of a “timeline”, that I subconsciously believe that something is wrong with me – that I’ve fallen behind. But NONE of that is true!!!

I’m happy!!!! And I know, in my deepest self, in my heart of hearts, that whatever I end up choosing to do with my life, that I will be happy, successful and I will do well enough to continue living on the way that I want. I will always work hard, I will always do what I have to do, and my personal capacity and potential is limitless. I’m intelligent and a quick learner.

I don’t know what I want for my life because I’ve spent so much time trying to satisfy other people’s ideals and intentions for myself and my life. I’ve been fighting this internal battle for so long without realizing it, that I no longer know what I want. But I WILL. Because now, I know I need to extricate myself from the grips of societal expectations, and also, my parents.

I love them, I really do. I’m thankful for everything they’ve done for me, all the hard work they’ve done to put me through school, and I will always be grateful. I will always respect them, cherish them, and hold them close to my heart. But, I can’t live like this anymore. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I have to do it for ME and on MY own terms. No matter how long it takes.

I’m scared, because nothing worth doing is easy, and the hardest things to do are usually the things you need to do the most. But I’ve been so brave this year – I’ve done some things that required quite a bit of courage. I ended my three year relationship. I asked for a raise. I threw caution to the wind and booked a spontaneous trip to Hawaii. And here I am now. Exactly where I was meant to be.

So, when I get back, the first thing I will do is tell my parents everything. I will be honest. I’ll let them yell or cry or be disappointed or react however which way they want to, and I will do my best to maintain my patience, but this is something that needs to be done. I need to do it for myself. For my own sanity, happiness, and well-being.

As I was explaining this realization to Luna and Lana, the omen of all omens appeared – whales, breaking through the surface of the ocean to get a breath of fresh air. It was so incredible beautiful, a moment in which you had to hold your breath.

Apparently, seeing whales is good luck, but also a sign that you need to “analyze your emotions, the decisions that brought you to where you are, and what you can do to alleviate the unrest in your life so that you can find peace”.

To me, the whales breaking through to the surface was symbolic of my own breakthrough – after being submerged for so long under fear and pressure and anxiety, my realization at the top of that dead volcano was my own version of breaking through the surface in order to finally breathe.

I need to remember this. I need to remember, that like a whale, there will be times that I need to come up for air in order to breathe and in order to keep moving forward.

Now that I know that there’s so much more to life, I can no longer settle for the life I once knew – the one where I let my fears run rampant, driven by the everyday pressure coming at me from all angles. I will not allow myself to live that way any longer. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be happy.

I am so small in this big huge world. There is so much to see, so much life to be lived. There is nothing like travelling in this life – experiencing the many wonders and adventures that the world has to offer, like the feeling of making it to the top of a dead volcano, the enchanting magic of diving into a world full of multi-coloured fish, the quiet hush of a memorialized sunken ship.. there’s just so much out there. How can I live my life in fear when there’s so much to be seen and heard and learnt and experienced? I only have this one life!!! I need to do everything that I can while it’s mine. 

I am so thankful for everything I have experienced on this trip. This was a lovely pathway on my larger journey of life, paved with beauty, adventure and growth, every step of the way.

We spent the rest of our day eating delicious burgers, and now we’re back home, lying in bed and getting ready to settle into yet another peaceful sleep.

Tomorrow will be our last full day here because we’ll be leaving on Wednesday night. (Tomorrow is Tuesday.) I know we’re aiming to go on a catamaran cruise, but we’ll have to see about the weather first. Apparently there was a flash flood warning? We’ll see how things go though.

I think I’ll head to sleep now! Yet another amazing day indeed. I can’t believe how lucky we’ve been. But now, I really believe that coincidences don’t exist – that everything happens as it’s meant to. “Maktub”, right? It is written.

Love,

Me.

Day 56 continued, & Day 57 – February 25th + 26th

Aloha!!! Okay so, before I go on to explain the past 2 days including today, I have to say… this trip has definitely been the most amazing trip I’ve ever taken in my entire life. I’ve seen so much and done so much, more than I ever imagined possible, over the course of the past week. I’m so in awe of the wonders of this world, and the fact that’s there’s still SO much more to experience in this life!!

Yesterday was so great! We had a nice chill day at the beach; I went snorkelling again and saw more fish! There was this moment that I was surrounded by a family of unicorn fish, which are these rather larger blue/green fish known for the “horn” protruding out of their forehead. It was so, so beautiful, and I captured it on my go pro!

After that, we had yet another amazing lunch at the little café/grill on the beach that we had breakfast at on the first day. I had shredded pork, which was really yummy.

Then, we got back to the apartment and spontaneously decided to go shopping at Ross because Lana didn’t have shoes to go with her really nice dress. I ended up buying these absolutely stunning coral lace up platform sandals that I fell in love with at first sight a couple days before that. Definitely well worth the price!

After that, we got back to the place and started getting ready for our big night out! I decided to wear my Kardashian-esque tight white body-con dress for the first time ever because I finally felt confident enough!!! It was such a nice feeling, and the dress really did look good on me.

Me and Lana pre-drank hardcore – we got through like 8 or 9 shots of vodka AND rum in under an hour, but I didn’t feel sick or anything. It just gave me a really, really good buzz. We got all dressed up and once we looked like the bomb shells that we are, we hit the strip.

We were a little early, so we waited until Mike showed up, and once he did, we gave him a gift for his wife and he let us in for free!!!

The lounge/club view from the top floor of that building was unreal! It was very fancy. And the music was pretty good for the most part. BUT – no hot guys whatsoever. The high light of the night? These two white guys were chilling near us and I dropped it low and started popping my booty and they legit walked away, LOL! Luna and Lana DIED laughing. It was hilarious. They obviously couldn’t handle the booty, pft. Anyways, after that we came home and crashed because we knew we had a long day ahead of us..

..which was today (February 26th, and it was AMAZING!!!!). Luna rented a convertible for us so that we could drive around the entire island and beach hop, and end the day at Turtle Beach in the hopes that we would see a turtle.

I cannot even begin to describe the beauty of this island. Being sandwiched between the rolling green hills and mountains and the endless multi-hued blues of the ocean, the scent of the foliage and salt water in the air, the wind that whipped through my fingers when I reached my hand out of the convertible as we drove down the winding roads… I never, ever want to forget the way this experience has made me feel. I felt free. Truly free. I tried my very hardest to live precisely in that moment, and while this is a very difficult mind frame to cultivate, I think I did a pretty good job.

The first beach we went to was this gorgeous white-sanded, Caribbean blue-watered beach where we went for a quick dip before we packed up and headed out on the road again.

We got food at this cheap place close by to the beach and I swear, the portions here I HUGE. Like you really get your money’s worth. I got teriyaki chicken with rice and macaroni salad (SO. GOOD.)

After that, we drove for a long while and stopped to get some shaved ice (a special Hawaiian delicacy here!) and it was deliciously refreshing.

We stopped by turtle bay resort for a quick moment, but then decided we’d rather try to make it to turtle beach, as the sun would be setting soon. We stopped along the way at this gorgeous beach full of rocks that appeared to be old coral reefs. The waves were huge, as we were in the northern part of Oahu, which is famous for surfing. The view was breath-taking. The waves crashing down upon the rocky shores looked like something out of a movie, except I got to experience it in real life.

Eventually we got to turtle beach, which was equally as breath-taking as the other beaches we’ve gotten to experience. Not to mention, the sun had finally began to set, creating this lovely warm ambiance in the air as we walked along it. We took some absolutely stunning photos of it too. However, we were a little disheartened that there wasn’t a turtle in sight.

But then! A woman on the beach told us there was a sighting down at the end of the beach near the trees, where there was a small gathering of people perched and waiting, it appeared. We immediately hurried over, as quick as we could, hoping we’d be able to spot a turtle. When we got there, everyone was gathered quietly around a little area of beach that was cradled by smaller rocks covered in bright green algae.

Luna scanned the beach disappointedly, but then I realized… one of the “rocks” had flippers and a distinct pattern… IT WAS A GIANT SLEEPING SEA TURTLE. I immediately pointed it out to Luna, who was so excited that she couldn’t help but yell! LOL, omg, it was so adorable how excited she was!

The turtle was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. We got to get real close to it, close enough to take some amazing pictures with the beautiful sunset in the background.

I cannot believe our sheer luck on this trip. I swear, the positivity and good vibes have culminated into this force of nature that appears to just bend to our deepest will. We have been so incredibly blessed, so lucky, and so fortunate to experience the things that we have so far. Each day has been better than the last.

We’ve got about 3 more days left! I definitely know we’ll make the most of it.

One thing I want to note before I end this log – this trip has really and truly solidified my budding love for travel. I’m hooked. I want this kind of life, I want to be able to explore the world and discover its innermost secrets and treasures, the way Santiago found his. I wish I could just quit the life that was planned for me by society so I could spend my days endlessly searching for the edges and corners of the world. Sigh.

That’s all for now! We still have to climb the dead volcano, and I have this feeling that we may have saved the best for last. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 54 continued, 55, & 56 – February 23rd, 24th, + 25th 2017

Hello! Things have been happening so quickly that it’s hard to keep up!! I’m going to pick up where I left off though, which was on the way to Hanauma Bay.

So Hanauma Bay was created out of the volcano’s eruption – the lava and water created a dome like bay which eventually filled up with water and consequently, marine life. It gained popularity throughout the years, and due to hunting, they made it a government protected preserve.

We had to climb down into the bay, and the scenery was just absolutely breath-taking. When we went snorkelling, it was a little tricky at first, but then after it was definitely one of the best experiences of my life. It was truly like being allowed to swim in a massive aquarium, while still being able to breathe underwater.

Best of all, my go pro turned out to be great despite its price and origin!!!! The pictures and videos were stunning and I cannot wait to take more! It worked perfectly. I was beyond thrilled.

I saw some humongous fish that actually kind of made me a little afraid LOL! They were just so big and so unafraid of me.

In the end, it turned out to be an amazing day. We had an amazing dinner (udon noodles/ramen) and then headed home to sleep.

The next morning (Friday, February 24th aka yesterday but also today?) we woke up super early in the morning to make our way over to the Pearl Harbour memorial. We made it just in time, and our tickets were free!! It was incredible to witness preserved history. I’ve always loved history, so it was so nice to read more about how the US was somewhat forced to join WW2 because of Japan’s aggressive attack against the US. (As told by the Americans of course.. I don’t know if we’ll ever really quite know 100% of the truth because history will always have a bias in favour of the ones who tell the stories).

The memorial was built over one of the sunken battle ships called “Arizona”, as well as on top of the remains of almost a thousand men who died there. The atmosphere was very somber. I almost wished I could dive beneath the surface to see the boat from an underwater perspective. Has the water and environment preserved things? Are there skeletons floating beneath the ravaged and decomposing decks of the sunken ship?

Anyways, it was definitely an incredible experience. I’m so happy and content and grateful and thankful and so much more, that I’m getting to experience life to this degree.

We returned back to the city after, but Luna & Lana went for food so they got off before me and I went along on the bus by myself for a little before coming to our condo by myself. It was so quaint – I made myself a little lunch of my leftovers from food from before, and sat outside on the balcony to settle into reading some more of the Alchemist. I’m really learning to enjoy my own company, which I love.

After that, we took a quick nap and then got ready to head back to the strip to go see the firework display at the Hilton. But, we ended up sitting down for a bit to watch a beautiful show of a man and woman singing Hawaiian songs.

The atmosphere was truly enchanting and magical. There was a moment when the woman spoke of a song that had to do with the lush foliage that surrounded us (the ferns!!!!) and their beauty and how they contributed to the “oasis” like feel of the area we were in (Alchemist reference!!!)

There actually so many different omens and signs one can see, if one is willing to become in tune with the universal language of the world, and the soul of the world.

After the amazing show, we made our way to the Hilton. Let me just add here – we all get along so well!!!! We’re always laughing and talking and happy and I feel like our positive energy and vibes are so strong between the three of us that they’re beginning to physically manifest themselves into the universe.

Like the woman with parrots, and the knowledgable bird/fish man on the pier, and…

After the absolutely incredible firework display on the beach, as we were making our way back, I stopped to talk to a very tall and somewhat intimidating looking bouncer in the front of a very cool-looking club. After finding out some brief information and learning that he loves Toronto, he promised to take care of our cover for tomorrow night!!!! How nice is that?!?

Which is just a further example of how our positive energy is manifesting itself into this unbelievable “luck” it seems. We’re meeting such amazing people and experiencing such amazing things. Which reminds me…

There was a man with tarot cards sitting near the beach and when he made eye contact with me as we were passing, I felt this strange sensation in my chest, like a jolt. And I told myself and the girls, if he was there when/if we passed by once more, it was meant to be that I get a reading done. And he was there when we went back! So I did, and…

It was mind-blowing. I wish I had recorded him so that I could remember better what he said, but he was so on point. And the cards I chose, they went together so well. He told me how I give myself and my all in relationships, only to get next to nothing back. That people vent to me. That in my past, there was a man who appeared as a man would, but with the mind of a child. (Nick?). And that also, someone would attempt to make a reappearance in my life, that he was very persistent and would not give up. (Don). (Ps, the Tarot card for that was the Devil lmao).

He told me that although money wasn’t extremely important to me, I would always have it. To invest now, and to save despite whatever I received.

And about my present and future, he told me I would most likely have boys, and that my son would be as free-spirited as I am.

He says I’ll be fertile for the next 15 years, but that I’ll meet my soulmate in 5, and that he’ll find me, not the other way around. And then, he asked if there was a man now who loved me that I was unaware of, and the “man of justice” came up. Confident, with a bit of a temper, but fair and just and balanced. And that, if I had someone in mind in that moment, that he and I would be like night and day. That he had a bit of a tough past himself, but that I would guide him. He would be like a rock to me, unwavering and supportive. But, the tarot man also told me I still have a couple more things to learn before all of that.

The tarot man (named Antonio) also did Luna and Lana’s reading too and he just continued to astound us with everything he knew. He knew so much!!! He gave us a kind blessing in the end, and told us he loved our energy, and that we would travel together once again.

It was an indescribable experience, most definitely. After that we came back here, and here I am now lying in my bed, on Day 25 (Saturday, February 25th).

I forgot to mention – we ate authentic Mexican food for dinner, and it reminded me so much of Nick that it made me a little sad. But just a little. I’m still filling all the little holes that he left in me when I left him. But they’re becoming more and more full with every day that passes. One day I will be whole and I won’t be looking for anyone to fulfill what I already create for myself, and that’s when someone will find me. I believe in what Antonio said.

Tomorrow (or today really), we’re going to have a nice chill day by the beach and then get all dressed up for the fancy club, which I’m super excited for! Should be a really nice day. I’ll write when I can! So far, this trip has been above and beyond what I could have ever possibly expected. I’ve already cried twice out of sheer happiness, LOL.

Until tomorrow or whenever then!! Aloha!! (Which means goodbye as well as hello, hehe).

Love,

Me.