Day 45 – February 14th, 2017

Not bad for my first Valentine’s Day on my own in six years! So, today was pretty damn amazing LOL. My silly little heart is still doing her victory dance and jumping around. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her, honestly. But she’s me, and I’m her and I love me so it’s all good. I don’t know if any of that made sense but it’s really late at night now and I have half an hour to write this log.

So basically, Dylan worked the same shift as me tonight, and we basically spent about 90% of our shift talking to one another about literally everything and anything that came to our minds. I love how easy to talk to he is! I remember Sera saying something about how he’s quite talkative, and holy crap, I love it so much.

I really feel like we’re making an effort to become friends, and that makes me happy. I like establishing a good and proper foundation before anything else. And hey, if nothing progresses out of this, then at least I’ll have gained a new friend. Albeit an extremely good-looking, muscular, smart, funny, sweet, intellectual, mature new friend, but a new friend nonetheless. He’s honestly so cute.

I learnt a lot about him today! And yes, just like the old days, I’m about to go into detail because I love remembering the little things. Let’s see…

So we talked about Valentine’s Day and how expensive it is, and how it’s just another day of work for us, a Tuesday if you will. I told him that chocolate covered strawberries are eighty bucks at Godiva, and he told me about his friend splurging about two hundred dollars just for dinner, even though there was a set priced menu. We both agreed that we felt sorry for the people who bought into this commercialization of this day.

We talked about so much! I learnt that he’s been having problems with his neck (didn’t ask why/how though, got to do that next time), and how he’s been doing physio for it for the past six months. He told me about how his knee has been making him uncomfortable, and I told him to be careful and told him what happened to Chloe and how she’s at home now because of her knee. He told me how scary it was that he could easily tear his ACL if one move went wrong in his training/fighting, and I told him to take care of that ASAP because it was better to be safe than sorry. I really hope that nothing happens to him because, he’s so clearly passionate about what he’s doing and I would hate for that to be taken away from him over an injury.

He told me that he may be entering a friendly tournament for MMA, and about how he had to lose ten pounds before the match in order to be in a certain weight class. And then, he told me about his last resort way of achieving that – he takes super-hot baths for six hours with tons of Epsom salts and basically gets rid of all the water weight in his body, aka dehydrates himself, which is really not good for the body, LOL.

He taught me a little more about the kind of fighting he does – it’s “Gracie jiu-jitsu”, a derivative from Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and that his trainer actually comes from the family that originated that type of fighting, the Gracie family. He’s been doing it for about six months, but he loves it and hopes to compete for real by the time he’s 22. The tournament he might be entering in April is friendly and will be good experience for him, and although he doesn’t really care if he wins or loses, he does want to win because that’s how he is when it comes to sports.

We talked about sports a little – like how much he loves hockey and how by far it’s his favourite sport. He really enjoyed the centennial game and thanked me again for the hat and scarf (to which I replied that it was the least I could do, for everything he’d done for me). We talked a little bit about basketball too, and I was able to because of what Leila told me today! I explained that my friends are basketball fanatics and that’s why I knew what he was talking about, LOL. I told him that I would love to learn about the world of sports.

We talked about the book he read over the weekend, Win or Learn! He went more in depth as to what happens in the book – it’s about a man who nearly got beaten to death, and then taught himself how to fight through a magazine, started training people in his garage, and then one day, this skinny little kid walked in and they trained together and that kid is now multi-million dollar UFC fighter Conor McGregor. He’s brought this fighter up before to me, so I was able to recall the name. I’ll add it to my reading list, because it seems really interesting but also because I love reading the books that people love – it’s like listening to someone’s favourite song, and learning more about them as a result.

Speaking of song – there was one point that I was walking towards him, and he was like, “do you predominantly listen to hip-hop?” First of all, I LOVE THE WAY HE SPEAKS. “Predominantly”. Ugh, I want to marry him.

I told him that I listen to everything, and I asked why he asked, and he brought up that moment we spent in his car when he was helping me with my allergic reaction. While we were sitting there, J.Cole came on, and I had asked him if he had heard his new album. (So, so cute that he remembered this tiny detail). In all honesty, I had asked because I thought that he was into hip hop. But today, I learnt that while he loves and idolizes Eminem, he’s more so into rock. He likes Cage the Elephant, and told me to listen to their newer album. I told him that I really liked that band he discovered, Goodbye June, and their song Darlin’.

We mutually helped out a couple today and ended up selling something from our each of our lines. As I went to write down the sale, I couldn’t help but tell him that we make a good team, to which he agreed.

He brought me his copy of the Alchemist later in the shift, and told me that I definitely had to read the foreword. I told him I already wanted to read the whole book, I was that excited. I have to thank him again on Thursday (he’s working again) properly, for lending it to me, because I don’t think I did today.

I know we talked about more, like when we interacted with other people and sharks in Hawaii came up and when Daniella kissed her own arms because of how much she loves herself, which made us die of laughter.

But, conclusion of all this detailed conversation I’ve just written down? I have a crush, for sure. He may be four years younger than me, but it honestly doesn’t feel that way when we’re talking, which we do a lot. Also, any moment that he came close to me, be it for checking a price or when he peered over my shoulder to read what I was reading in the inner flap of the book he lent me, I felt some real chemistry there.

I know that I’m definitely attracted to him on a physical level – he’s stunningly good-looking, tall, has gorgeous hazel-green eyes and is very well built. His smile makes my stomach feel all flippy.

But, it’s talking to him and getting to know him as a person that’s really cinching it for me. He’s so easy and fun to talk to, he’s funny, smart, thoughtful, so mature for his age, and genuinely a really good guy. And, I’ve directly experienced his level of selflessness – he stayed by my side throughout the entire allergy thing, and was even about to take me to the hospital in his car. He reads, which is HUGE to me, and he’s got ambitions in so many different aspects of his life, be it personal or academic.

While my heart is leaping, logical me (aka my brain) is keeping a tight leash on my heart. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting hurt or that I don’t want to pursue this – it’s just that I would rather let things happen organically without my feelings getting entangled in everything. I really do want to develop a friendship first. I think friendship is so important, and is the proper and healthy foundation to whatever else this could possibly turn into. In all honesty, it may not turn into anything at all, you never know!

He’s a really great guy and I’m so glad that I’ve met him so that I can know that guys like him really do exist. But when it comes down to it, I literally just got out of a three year relationship about a month ago. I still have feelings that I need to get past, I have things I need to do for myself, and there are definitely still some things I need to come to terms with in regards to my own personal insecurities. While I may be a lot better off now than I was while I was in my relationship, I still have ways to go on this new found self-love journey.

So, friends. (For now).

Well, this turned into a much longer log than I thought it would be, LOL. Definitely because of all the details, but that’s okay! I love the little things. I want to remember every bit of it.

It’s been such a great day, and a fantastic Valentine’s Day. I’m looking forward to the rest of this week! Mostly because once it’s over, I’M LEAVING TO HAWAII!!!!!!!! 6 MORE DAYS!!!!

I’m well into Day 46 territory now so, I’m going to bring this log to its close. Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 44 – February 13th, 2017

Hello! I had a pretty great day today! I got started on some of my packing, and got most of my outfits out of the way. I’m SO, SO, SO, SO EXCITED!! As of tomorrow, there’s one more week until we take off! I can’t wait to have more than a week straight of time to myself and my thoughts! It’s so hard to come by real free time these days, time free of stressful thoughts and the urge to keep going and going. It’ll be nice to truly relax, after so long.

So, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! My first Valentine’s Day being single after 6 years. Wow. In all honesty, it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s another day of the year. And really, it’s more so a commercialized day than a day of real sentiment. As cliché as this may be, every day in a relationship should feel like Valentine’s Day. Or at least, most days. So no, I won’t be missing anything or anyone tomorrow, because to me, tomorrow’s just Tuesday, and I have work.

Don’t get me wrong though – I love my holidays. I love themes, and I love the idea of it. But, I’m not buying into the whole “if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you must be miserable” gimmick, because I know better than that. I’m not miserable – I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a really long time! I’m not letting a day like Valentine’s Day take that away from me! That would be silly.

Plus, I should have plenty of distraction – Dylan texted me today to ask me if I was working tomorrow, because he’s in tomorrow and wanted to wish me a safe trip. (CUTE). We ended up talking a little bit about books and stuff; he’s bringing me his copy of The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, so I can read it while I’m in Hawaii. Have I mentioned that I love that he reads? It’s such a turn on, jeez.

I need to be much more chill when it comes to this. And in all honesty, I don’t want to play games or whatever – that’s never been who I am. I like straight forward simplicity, texting with no ulterior motives or intentions, etc. I just got to be myself, because that’s MORE than good enough! I’m not trying to impress anyone. So that’s that!

Anyways! I’ll write after my shift tomorrow! Until then! Wish me luck with… things… LOL.

Love,

Me.

Day 43 – February 12th, 2017

Okay, so I’m slightly upset. I literally just typed a whole log, albeit not a very long one I’ll admit, and my computer just froze and I lost the whole log. Not to mention, part of my log from yesterday is gone too (although that’s more so my fault for forgetting to save after I finished).

Before I lost this log, I talked about what I’m doing this week (class, work, packing, etc.) and also I had a little bit of a realization that I would like to be a more positive person (because I mentioned that I hate Mondays).

I talked about how people beg to see another Monday, just so that they could see another day in general. I’m lucky to be alive. I need to remember that. Positivity is important and it’s something I want to incorporate into my every day, as a natural happenstance.

Anyways, there’s pretty much about a week left until I leave to Hawaii! Time sure has flown. Anyways, until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 42 – February 11th, 2017

Hi there! So today, I was in a bit of a mood when I got to work because the first person I ran into was the manager who denied my raise request, LOL. I just, didn’t want to be there and I was so disheartened by this setback. But, talking to Luna and Sera about Hawaii made me feel so much better.

And then by the end of the night, I ended up having some really good conversations with my coworkers about loving, choosing and taking care of yourself, and how important those things are. All in all, this day started off kind of bad but ended off on a nice strong note.

Oh my dear lord I cannot WAIT until we leave! I STILL can’t believe that this dream is a reality! Never in my life did I ever think I’d be knocking such a bucket-list worthy destination off of my list so soon! But you know what? I’ve saved and I earned this trip and I need to stop feeling guilty. Because, I have been, you know.

I’m going to start saving and pinching every penny once I get back from Hawaii, I swear. I won’t spend any money and I will act like I have not even a dollar to my name, instead of spending my money so carelessly. That’s a huge goal that I would like to achieve for myself – exercising more caution with my spending habits, and really saving money the way I should be. I need to become more responsible for myself.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for today! I’m looking forward to being off from work the next two days, but also, I’m kind of sad because everyone I like is going to be in tomorrow. Oh well! I’ll be back soon.

Love,

Me.

Day 41 – February 10th, 2017

Hello! So, I had a meeting with my manager today and she explained exactly why I wasn’t going to get my raise, and how it’s not even guaranteed to happen unless I pick up in my contributions to the company. It was a little disheartening, but that’s the reality of the situation. I’m expendable, really. And if I don’t start excelling, and doing more than what I do now, I won’t get it at all.

I need to think about what I want to do. I love working at the where I work, in all honesty. It works really well with my schedule, I can still go to school, it’s accessible, and I get paid vacations. I don’t get paid as much as I should, but in all honesty, my spending habits could be better. I think I can try to pull through for another 3 to 4 months. It won’t take much for me to really do “well” according to their standards, in all honesty. I hate the idea of having to care more about this job than I do right now, because I don’t, but I do want to stay and I do want a raise. So, let’s see what I can do.

I haven’t done an emotional check-in with myself in a little while! How am I feeling today, and these days?

Well, things have been a bit nuts with Nick slowly making his way back into my life again. I mean, I think I’ve been dealing with things pretty well, and he’s been totally respectful and maintains the boundaries that our new-found friendship entails. We don’t talk too often, but when we do it’s purely platonic.

Do I miss him? Yeah, I guess. I miss being in a relationship, I wasn’t made to be single, LOL. I’m good at being in relationships and I enjoy them thoroughly. But, I know I had to do this for myself. So that my next relationship will be as healthy as it can possibly be, since I will be more mentally and emotionally stable. We’ll see how things go I guess!

I was listening to a co-worker today tell me the origin story of her new boyfriend and it was actually really nice. I love seeing people at their happiest, and really, how often do people get to talk about the things that make them so insanely happy to people who actually want to listen? Plus, I love a good origin story.

Hearing it also made me a little melancholy for what I once had. I used to have butterflies, and chemistry, and attraction, and all of those things with him, despite being with him for three years. I wonder if I could ever reclaim that with someone else. Anyways, I’m just thinking out loud now.

I’m well into day 42 territory so I think I shall bring this log to a close. I’ll write after my shift tomorrow. TEN MORE DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE TO HAWAII! I need sun, sand and tropical weather, stat. I CAN’T WAIT!

Love,

Me.

Day 40 – February 9th, 2017

Hi, hi! Where do I even begin?

So, today turned out a lot different than I could have expected, if I had expectations for it of course. I found out that my raise request got denied, but that it’s still in the process of being fought for. I don’t know, that sounds like company talk to me, so we’ll see. I may actually have to start looking for a new job, which makes me sad. I’m not ready to leave yet. But, I can’t live off of this pay anymore.

On a happier note – so today, I messaged Nick about the whole movie thing, and he ended up telling me he wanted to watch it alone, which is totally cool. But then, he asked me if I was working, to which I replied that I was but I was almost done. And then, he asked me if I wanted to go for coffee! So, I agreed, and he ended up meeting me at work. Actually, he walked straight into my department, much to my surprise and amusement.

The whole coffee thing went really well. We didn’t seem awkward at all this time, he seemed much more relaxed and at ease with me today. We caught up more in detail – he told me about an interview he had for a hospital he had yesterday which he thought he got but didn’t, he explained in detail what his new internship would entail, and how often he would be there.

He talked more about the restaurant, and about his family, like how his dad might have diabetes. I told him about my raise being denied, and about my thought process of deciding between my programs. We talked about movies that just came out, and I explained all of La La Land to him in the hopes that he would actually watch it, LOL. I don’t think he will though, because he said it would make him sad.

My coworkers were very curious and warned me to be careful with my feelings and what not, but in all honesty – I’ve realized something. People can’t fathom being friends with the people they were in love with because they’re not emotionally capable of separating their relationship feelings from their friend feelings.

I’m not saying I’m this amazingly perfect person with a superhuman capacity to compartmentalize, BUT; if I do say so myself, I’ve always been pretty in tune with my emotions. I’ve always been good with compartmentalizing. I knew, from before, that I wanted this friendship badly enough to put my feelings away. That that would be the only way to make a new friendship work. So, that is what I focused, and am still focusing, on doing. Of course I’m happy that we’re talking again.

Am I going to be dependent on our friendship? No. I have people in my life that I’m dependent on, not to mention I’m now learning how to depend on myself, which was my original intention with the decision I made to end our relationship. I know that things are not going to be the same, I’m very much aware of that fact.

So far, things have been pretty good. I know it’s not going to be this easy all the time – we’re going to come across times where things get a little tricky. But, I’m hoping that we’ll be honest and straightforward with each other, and communicate as openly as we used to. Because honesty and communication are important to making ANY kind of relationship work, and this new friendship is still a relationship of its own kind.

Anyways! I have work tomorrow, but late so I get to sleep in. I think I shall head to bed now, I’m pretty sure I can hear it calling my name. I really, really need to start packing/shopping for my Hawaii trip!!!! There’s only like 11 full days left until I leave – I DON’T KNOW HOW TIME PASSED SO QUICKLY! AHHHHH! I’ll dedicate Sunday to getting myself organized, because I think I’m off. I’M SO EXCITED! Off to bed for me now!

Love,

Me.

Day 39 – February 8th, 2017

Hi there! So today was pretty uneventful – I slept in (blissfully), and had a late shift at work today. It was fun though, because most of my favourite people were in. So tomorrow, I’m going to start packing for Hawaii!!! And start organizing everything I need to pack. I AM SO EXCITED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AHHHHHH.

Anyways, I have work early tomorrow morning so I guess… that’s it for today? This is probably the shortest log I’ve ever written since I’ve started this. Oh yeah, I’m planning on messaging Nick tomorrow after the Friday movie thing just so I can know what’s happening and if they’re going or not! We’ll see.

Okay well, that’s about it for today! Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.