Day 33 – February 2nd, 2017

I’m so exhausted that I can feel my teeth and jaws aching. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but that’s how I’m currently feeling. I can feel fatigue radiating inside my skull behind my eyes. I think it’s a combination of this flu with the very, very long week of work and whatnot. I’m going to keep this log short and sweet so that I can head to bed.

I think I need to take some time tomorrow to sit down and really ask myself what I want. I’m off from school and from work tomorrow so I’m just going to rest, relax and unwind.

Also, another thing – tomorrow marks a month of being broken up with Nick, and I think I’m going to message him. I’m so tired of asking people for their opinions on whether people can stay friends after they break up, and blah, blah. I’m just going to go with my gut, and see what happens. If it’s too hard, then I’ll just be honest with myself and with him and we’ll go back to space and silence. I’m just tired of this iffy back and forth “what if’s” – life’s too short for this.

I want him in my life, in some form or way. I got to try somehow, eventually. At this point, I don’t think I have much else to lose anyways. So, we’ll see how it goes. No more making a big deal out of this.

Oh, last but not least! I watched a movie by myself in theatres today, for the first time ever! I laughed, I cried, and it was actually such a nice experience. I actually quite enjoyed my own company very much. It was a lot of fun, and I would do it again, for sure. I’m glad to be knocking so many things off of my bucket list. Okay I’m so tired, I’m going to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I feel better after a nice long sleep.

Love,

Me.

Day 32 – February 1st, 2017

Welcome February! The second month of 2017 has officially begun. I took a bit of a sick day to myself today – my flu symptoms don’t seem to be alleviating, much to my chagrin. However, resting up really helped so I’m glad that I did that for myself.

I have a problem. I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know I want to help people. I know I want to make a career of that. But how? What pathway is right for me, time-efficient AND will guarantee me financial security through a steady career? I want to have a career within the next 5-6 years of my life. I know that time frames don’t always work that way but I don’t want to still be in school by the time I’m approaching 30. I want to be working on settling into my life by that time.

So how do I go about getting my education and a career in the most time-efficient way possible? There’s just so much to consider, and while I don’t want to stress myself out by putting myself on a clock, I still can’t help but feel like time is ticking. I need to take a moment to really ask myself – what do I want for my life? What do I see myself doing? How can I make a difference, but also maintain a career that brings joy to my life?

In the end, it’s MY life, not anyone else’s. People can offer me their insight, guidance, opinions, advice, but when it comes down to it, the choice is mine because I’m the one who has the live with the results/consequences of my decisions. That being the case, I need to make the decisions that are right for me. I’m not going to approach this in stress or with a fear of the future, the way I used to. I know that no matter what I end up deciding to do, it will be right for me and that I will find a way to be successful.

I’m not worried. I know that I have what it takes. I finally truly believe in myself, after so long of doubting. I am here to help me, to hold my own hand and bring myself along to where I must go. I will encourage me, support myself, and when things go wrong, I will not shame myself or call myself inadequate. I will pick myself up off the ground, give myself a hug, and try again. I will take care of myself so that one day, I can take care of my family. This, I vow to myself now.

It took me so long to get this to this place of self-love, and I never, ever want to leave it. Anyways, that’s about it for now! I’ll probably write tomorrow’s log sometime after my shift, as I did today. Here’s hoping that I find what I’m looking for! I’m sure that I will. What’s truly important is that I’m looking, searching for these answers because more than anything, I want to have a plan that I can stick to. I’ll get there, I know I will.

Love,

Me.

Day 31 – January 31st, 2017

Here we are, the last day of the first month of this year. And what a month it’s been! When you really take note of what occurs on a daily basis, you can really see how much can change in the span of just one month. Let’s see: I ended my three year relationship with my best friend/boyfriend, I asked for a raise (finally!), I focused on rebuilding my mental/emotional health, focused on my physical health, focused on establishing a more loving relationship with myself and as a result, have rebuilt my confidence, and generated my own happiness. Basically, after all this time, this month has brought more momentum to my life than the past three/four years have.

I had a pretty big reality check today in my appointment with my family doctor. He told me how he was already a doctor by the time he was 24, and how I was no longer 18 and now I had to start acting like was 24 and to be more responsible for myself. And, he’s totally right. I really do need to practice more responsibility in my life. I can no longer avoid things, or sweep them under the rug or pretend they don’t exist just because it’s easier. I have to get my life in order, and face everything head on and take responsibility for where I am in my life if I’m ever going to move forward.

I feel like the universe is trying to point me in the right direction, and I’m just not listening sometimes. Well universe, I’m listening now! I know I need to have a plan, so I’m going to do everything in my power to make this manifest.

I feel like whenever I start to feel stuck again, the “lowness” comes back. Whenever that lowness rears its head, I need to start scrambling to move forward or else I will be unhappy. There’s so many things I have to do, and I’m not saying that in a stressed or negative way – I’m looking forward to all this change that I need and want to implement in my life!

I can do this! I can get my life back on track, now that I know what direction I want my life to head in. It’s hard to know where to go or what to do if you don’t have an end goal in mind, but now I do, and it feels good.

Anyways, I think I shall head to bed soon. I’m really looking forward to everything February will bring! I intend to make next month just as good as this month was for me.  One last thing though… tomorrow being midweek and the start of a new month, will I message Nick? We shall see!

Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 30 – January 30th, 2017

Hi there! So, I did end up having my appointment with my counselor after all!!!! And I’m so, so glad that I did. I want to document all the good I experienced with her today so that I commemorate it to my memory as well as I can, and so that I can always come back here to re-read and remember.

So today’s session was dedicated to my relationship with Nick, and how his cheating on me affected me. I talked about how I had residual feelings of inadequacy, as though something were wrong with me and that’s why he did it. I talked about how I was scared that I would never be able to maintain a proper relationship without harbouring the fear that the next person would hurt me in the same way, no matter how good the relationship was.

I talked about all those deep fears and anxieties, and the insecurities that manifested themselves as a result of what happened. I also mentioned how I was thinking about being friends but the fact that I didn’t know how exactly to go about it.

We started off with the EMDR process by her asking me what symbols or images came to mind when I thought about our relationship and him cheating on me, and what I came up with was: I realized that I hated being at school because of how many memories he and I made together there. It made me feel lonely that he was gone, and the school itself had somehow become the symbol/image of our relationship.

But the specific image that I tied to him cheating on me, was the staircase in which he told me he did. I remembered it clearly: the way I was sitting and he was standing, the door on the left, the orange pizza paper and strewn napkins that were next to me. And then we began the process.

I remembered the staircase, the moment he told me, the heart break in my voice when I simply asked him “why”, the way I wanted to scream because of the unending and unbearable pain in my chest. I remembered it all. I imagined his face once more, the way he held onto the bannister as though he couldn’t bear to hold himself up any longer.

Tears came to my eyes as I told her how I could not understand how someone who claimed to love someone else, could hurt that same person in the way he betrayed me. Slowly, as the process went on, I realized that I still harboured resentment towards him. I realized that it still caused me pain, that there was still a heaviness in my chest at the thought of it all. I moved away from the memory of the staircase as I analyzed our relationship after the fact, and how I changed. And then, the healing began.

I went back to the memory, but this time I re-wrote it. In my mind, a new me stood before him. A stronger, confident, more self-loving me. I told him that I loved him, but I loved me more. And that although I wished our relationship could continue, that it was not my responsibility to ensure that he grew as a person as a result of what happened. Because I realized – in staying with him, I chose him. I chose our relationship over myself. I stayed because I didn’t have what it took to be self-sufficient on my own. I stayed because I didn’t know if I could generate my own happiness without him. I chose to internalize the pain, rather than to break things off and heal on my own.

As the process continued, another realization dawned on me – even though I knew what I should have done in that situation, I had no regrets whatsoever over my decision to stay. Because if I hadn’t of stayed, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now. Everything happens as it’s meant to, and all my decisions have led me down this path. And I truly believe that this is the path that I was meant to be on, in this very moment.

In staying, I learned how to recognize and understand what I wanted. I learned how to really look at myself to confront my deep insecurities. I reached out for help. I’ve bettered myself. I am more aware now, than I have ever been in my life. And in staying, I think I might have saved our friendship, which I now know more than ever that I do want to hold on to, somehow. I understand that we both need time in order for the romantic feelings to fade away, but I don’t want to lose someone who pushed me so much for the better, who encouraged me and supported me. And though I can no longer depend on him for those things, he’s a big reason as to why I can look for that encouragement and support in myself, after so long.

One last huge realization I had during the process, was the one that made me feel as though I was floating somewhere up near the ceiling. (Such a strange sensation!). In everything that happened, and after all this time, I never once said the one thing that could ultimately set me free: I forgive him.

I do forgive him. I think I’ve finally accepted what has happened. I now understand that what happened had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. Whatever drove him to make the decision he made had everything to do with his own personal problems or insecurities or stresses, whatever they may have been at the time.

I’m not perfect, but I know what I brought to that relationship. I know what I have to offer, and it’s a lot. I have always been a good girlfriend. Again, not perfect – I have my flaws and I accept them for what they are. But, my strengths outweigh those self-perceived flaws; I’m whole-heartedly loving in every way, I’m super affectionate, I’m extremely passionate, caring, fun, occasionally funny, daring, adventurous, and a good person with nothing but good intentions.

I always put my all into that relationship with no holds barred. And one day, when I decide I’m ready once more, someone lucky is going to be able to experience everything I have to offer, and it WILL BE ENOUGH. Because I AM ENOUGH. And I know that now, through and through.

After the session, I felt light as air. I practically skipped half way across campus. I went back to the staircase that began the inevitable end of my relationship. I walked up the staircase, turned around, and sat down in the same place I sat in once before. I imagined him there in front of me. And I softly whispered, out loud into the open, “I forgive you.” It was as though a ghost that had quietly been haunting me finally floated away because it had found peace. It was such a beautiful feeling.

And so, I now understand a lot more today than I did yesterday. Yes, I want to be friends. But I can’t feel like I’m forcing myself to message him out of guilt over how long it’s been since we’ve last talked. I can’t be nervous, I can’t pick a day and stick to it whilst ignoring how I really feel or what I really need and want. If we can be friends and talk every so often without the slightest inflection of any kind of feelings beyond friendship, then that would be amazing.

However, I know that it’s easier said than done. I don’t know what the appropriate time frame for that is. But, I do trust myself more now than ever. I trust my emotional capabilities and maturity. I trust that when I do decide to be friends again, that I will be honest with myself and as equally honest with him.

So we’ll see! Sometime midweek, I’ll check how I feel and see if I’m really ready to do it. If I get even the slightest flicker of hesitation or nervousness, then I won’t do and I’ll wait longer. There’s no drawn out timeframe, and this isn’t a black and white situation. I don’t believe that “cutting someone off” completely being the only way possible for healing. There has to be some kind of in between where you don’t lose the person, yet you’re still able to heal. I believe that, and I’m going to try to find that in-between.

If in truth, it really doesn’t exist because the feelings don’t dissipate, then I will accept defeat and do what needs to be done. But I’m not giving up without a fight first. I believe in friendship! I believe that one can learn to differentiate between feelings of friendship and the feelings that go beyond that. And so, I will embark on that journey when I am good and ready.

It’s been a really, really good day and I am very, very proud of myself! I’ll write tomorrow when I get home.

Love,

Me.

Day 29 – January 29th, 2017

Yet another week draws to a close, as it’s a Sunday night. I have a really busy week coming up.

Wednesday makes the three week mark of Nick and I not speaking so… I think I may message him on that day, and ask him if he’s free Friday morning, or Monday at noon to come pick up his sweater and possibly catch up. The idea of it makes me nervous but I want to remain strong and firm on my healing and not slip back into my feelings, as I am finally moving past them. We’ll see what my gut says on that day! Things rarely ever go as planned, and I know that.

Saturday is gala, and also the day that Dylan will be back to work! I hope we’ll be able to properly catch up. (Hehe).

I’m really looking forward to this week, and I know it’s going to fly by since there’s so much to do. Also, another exciting thing about this week is that January shall be ending and transitioning into February, the second month of this year. I can’t believe that this month is practically over already! And what a month it’s been.

I’m so glad that I’ve documented it all so that I won’t ever forget, right down to the smallest details. Looking forward to everything next month shall bring! I also want to remind myself though – while it’s fun and exciting to look forward to the future, don’t forget to live in your present moments so that you don’t take them for granted! That’s where true happiness and contentment lies, in the present. Live in every moment that passes, rather than living in yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday’s gone, and tomorrow’s on its way, but today’s still here and there’s always so much you can still do with just today!

Anyways! I have to head to bed a bit earlier as I have early class tomorrow. Until tomorrow then! Bring on the week! It’s going to be a good one, I just know.

Love,

Me.

Day 28 – January 28th, 2017

Hello! I am back home after an amazingly fantastic day! I don’t even know where to begin because there’s this really exciting thing that I want to get to right away, but I’ll just go chronologically from yesterday. I’ll also keep it rather brief, because it’s already almost the end of this day and I can already hear my bed calling my name in that seductive way it does.

So yesterday, Leila and I had an amazing dinner together! I had delicious butternut squash-stuffed ravioli, and we split a pitcher of sangria and dessert afterwards. We had so much fun just talking and catching up. Afterwards, we went back to her place and drank basically a bottle and a half of red wine while watching Harry Potter. It was so nice just to relax and unwind (especially with all the wine, LOL).

Then this morning, we went and had pho together for brunch, and then I did a mock makeup tutorial video as she watched how I went about my makeup routine. All in all, it was a fantastic start to my weekend! I love spending time with her and I’m definitely going to go back more often now that I know how easy it is to get to Scarborough.

Okay now, here’s the part that has me very… excited? Giggly? On the edge of my seat? Most likely all three? Yup. So on my way to work, a stray thought suddenly crossed my mind that I paid very little attention to: I knew that a lot of the demos were coming back today, so I vaguely wondered if I would be seeing Dylan. But then my vague thought voice countered back, “can’t be, because if he came in today, Luna would have definitely texted me about it, right?” So shrugging it off, I headed to work.

After settling into my shift, I threw my hair into a pony tail (it was really warm in the department), and headed out onto the floor to greet everyone else. When I finally got to Luna, she came over to me as casually as you please, and was like, “Dylan came by to visit today and he’s going to come back to see you because he was asking specifically if you were here. Take your hair out of your pony tail, by the way.”

I NEARLY PASSED OUT LOL. She’s so funny, I love her! I started running to the mirror to check out my makeup look today and fixing my hair. About an hour or so passed, and I was talking to Marilyn, and from the corner of my eye I could see him coming into the department with Luna and my body temperature immediately began to spike. When we made eye contact, I literally couldn’t help the super huge grin that spread on my face as I said hi, even though he was still at the other side of the department.

He made his way over to me and I hugged him hello, and wished him Happy New Year jokingly since I hadn’t seen him since last year. And then someone came over, and they started talking about hours and coordinating and stuff, so I kind of went off to the side until they finished talking. I could see Luna fuming from the corner of my eye and I was trying so hard not to laugh because I knew exactly why she was mad – it was because she wanted Dylan and I to talk and be on our own so badly, LOL. I LOVE HER. I could already see her trying to work out how exactly she could get that person’s attention away, but she didn’t really have to because they ended up walking away after a bit.

He and I talked really briefly about school, and then I asked him when he’d be in again and he said next weekend, to which I said I would see him then. And then, he gave me another hug (I was the only one he hugged this time hehehehehehehehehhee), and then he went off with his friend.

I had a really long conversation with my cousins about him. I explained how nice he is, like a genuinely good guy, and how I’m attracted to him. But, deep down I don’t know if I want anything to come of it. It’s not even the age difference really because a part of me knows that he’s quite mature for his age and appears to be an old soul, whereas I’m a young soul (LOL). It’s that, I promised me that I would focus on me and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that, in no shape or form.

My overthinking brain and heart is already preparing me for all kinds of possible outcomes and situations, but really I think I should just live in the present and go with the flow when it comes to this. That’s what my gut is telling me. Life has already taught me that I can’t plan anything – things happen as they’re meant to, and the minute that I truly accept that, is when the things that are truly meant to be can finally manifest. So, here’s to living in the moment and living life to the fullest, no pre-meditated plans and no expectations.

I’ll be seeing him next weekend because we’re both going to be working, so we’ll see how that goes! I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t excited, heh. This week is already looking like it’s going to be extremely promising, so I’m really looking forward to it.

One last thing before I go that kind of… scoured my heart, I want to say. I told one of my coworkers that I hadn’t seen in a while about my break up with Nick, and she started to cry and my heart broke a little. She was so invested in our relationship because she truly witnessed the happiness behind all my little stories about us; she always asked how we were doing, how he was doing, what our plans were, and she loved how much I loved him. It made me a little sad.

She understood that there would always be a little hole in my heart that no one else could ever really fill, and that he would always be a part of me. I think less and less about messaging him as these days fly by, but then a that little part of me that doesn’t want to lose him completely is worried about how he’s reacting to this silence.

Is it good for him? Is this what’s been best for us both? Is he healing, or is it making him resent me even more because he thinks I’m trying to forget him and leave him behind? I obviously still care about him, but I don’t know how to check in with him anymore to find these things about without crossing some serious emotional boundaries.

I don’t want to slip into denial about my feelings or how serious our relationship was just because it’s so much easier to pretend like it wasn’t so deep and meaningful. It was three whole years of my life. It would be such a deep disrespect to our relationship if I thought of it any other way. I loved him. I truly did. I am healing, and I am happy that I am healing. While I would love to be friends again, I do need to think about what’s best for myself and that healing that I’m currently going through now.

Do I trust myself enough emotionally to bring him back into my life? Leila thinks it’s a bad idea – that in order to truly move on, you need to cut that person out of your life completely. But I don’t know. That may be true to a certain extent, and yes I’m moving on. But I don’t want to lose our friendship either. Or rather what our friendship could become, if we were to try to salvage what’s left of it to build something new. I wonder if we respect each other enough to do so. Enough to be balls out honest with one another with no games and no hidden resentments. I shall see how I feel midweek.

As this week will make the three week mark of us not speaking, and this Friday will be the month mark of our break-up, I will do check-ins with my gut to see just how exactly I would like to proceed with this situation. What’s most important is that I listen to my inner wisdom, and truly get in touch with my emotional needs.

Anyways, I’ve gone onto Day 29 territory by a couple minutes now, so I think it’s time to bring this log to a close. Goodnight self! And sweet dreams ☺

Love,

Me.

Day 27 – January 27th, 2017

Hello, hello! So this is an “on the go” log, my very first one!! I didn’t get a chance to write the log when I got home from the movie, so I’m on the train in the subway, on my way to see Leila. I’m having a ton of fun though, because I’ve downloaded the entire soundtrack to La La Land and my heart is singing along to each song.

Oh my god, the music, the movie, the magic!!!! It was so incredible, hands down one of the best movies I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing in my life. I finally understand why they got nominated for a whopping 14 Academy Awards!! It was just, that good. And oh, the nostalgia, the heart ache. The movie made me want to dance, made me laugh, cry, and everything in between! It was so incredible. I’m so glad that magic really does exist, in the form of art like movies and music. It’s all so beautiful! I’m so blessed and lucky that I get to experience it the way I do, as so many can’t.

Anyways, today’s been so great so far! I can’t wait to have dinner with Leila, it’s going to be the perfect way to unwind and end off this long week, ah. Oh and we’re going to watch some Harry Potter later at her house! I can’t wait. It really is the small things in life that can bring you the most joy.

Tomorrow and Sunday I work, so it’ll be nice to hang out with my coworkers.

Man, that movie, the music, has me so utterly nostalgic for a simpler time. But I wouldn’t trade being a romantic for anything in the world. I love it. I love love. I always will! Anyways, that’s all for today! Here’s to a good night with a good friend, with some good food and definitely some good drinks, hehe. No matter what, life is good!

Love,

Me.