Day 81 & 82 – March 22nd + 23rd, 2017

Hi, hi! Where do I even begin!?!? Honestly, yesterday was hands down one of the best days ever. Actually, this whole entire week has been amazing so far. But anyways! Back to yesterday. I have to write everything that happened from beginning to end, and then I have to write some thoughts for myself in a bit of self-reflection because I’m beginning to get a little concerned for myself.

Okay so, Wednesday, March 22nd, 2017 was definitely one of the best days of this year so far.

Olivia and I woke up and started getting ready in the morning, because we had to get to Yorkdale by 1:30 PM so that Dylan could pick us up from there. Right before we left, he texted me that he was at the doctor’s because his throat was killing him and he was sure he had strep throat because he gets it quite often, unfortunately. But, it didn’t seem to be stopping him from going either way.

We ended up at Yorkdale pretty early so I got some ramen to eat while we waited. After a while, Olivia brought up the idea of giving him some money for gas, so we ran to the nearby TD ATM’s to take out some money. Just then, he called saying that he was here. (His voice was so hot on the phone, lord help me. I was actually curious to see if he’d be the kind of guy who called or texted! I’m glad he called though, hehe.)

He had hopped out to get a tea, so Olivia and I raced over to to meet him there. He looked SO. DAMN. GOOD. Bedecked in his leather jacket and ray bans. I was about to pass out. Even Olivia couldn’t help but comment on how hot he was.

He gave me a hug and then gave Olivia a hug and then we went over to his car, where we met his friend Milan. The drive up was so fun! I sat behind him. We all talked about music and current TV shows and I even told his friend about what happened to my aunt in Sri Lanka, LOL. It was definitely a good road trip.

I think I’m going to continue this tomorrow because a lot of different things came up just now – Alycia’s story, Anne’s essay, and Leila’s writing, and I wanted to be there for each of them so I was. More than anything, it’s so, so important to me to be a good friend and to let the people in my life know that I appreciate them. Okay, tomorrow morning before I go to work I will sit down and type up the longest entry I have ever written since I began this whole log.

I have to talk about: the rest of the day/concert, Dylan, and my concerns for myself regarding school, stress, petition and sudden lack of motivation. Oh and if I can fit it in, I need to finish writing about the past weekend before the details begin to slip away from me! Ah! It’s already been a week since Waterloo. An hour ago or so, this time last week, Dylan and I were sitting in Starbucks having coffee… le sigh.

Okay, off to bed I go! Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

Day 80 – March 21st, 2017

Hi there! So I’m currently in bed, and I know I said I would continue writing about this past weekend in this log, but.. SO MUCH HAPPENED TODAY!!! I have to write it down, I just have to.

Okay so, I got ready for work and headed in. And Dylan wasn’t there just yet, but I did find out that he was nights like me (yay!). And just, this entire day was just… so, so, so good. From start to finish.

As soon as he came in, and when he saw me, he came over to give me a hug and it was such a nice hug. He pulled back a bit enough to ask me something about my thumb (I burnt it) but still had his arm around me, sigh.

We started talking, as per usual, and I found out that tomorrow he’s going to see a concert for one of his favourite bands, Kaleo… who’s opening for THE LUMINEERS. Here’s the crazy thing though – just this past weekend, like right before we went to Ezra street – Rose, Olivia, Alycia and I were talking about how we’d all love to go to a Lumineer’s concert. And, I’ve been listening to them non-stop this past week, AND singing “Angela” repeatedly, AND I was listening to them on the way to work JUST BEFORE THAT SHIFT. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences anymore – it’s just the universe working its mojo. What are the odds that one of my only favourite bands AND his favourite band are performing together??

I told him he was so lucky and I was so jealous because I LOVED the Lumineers. He said that he didn’t listen too much to them, so I recommended some songs he should listen too. He said if tickets were still available, that I should definitely try to get someone to go with me. In all honesty, I didn’t have much hope for them, but the thought was nice. He said he wished he had told me sooner, he had bought them about a month and a half ago.

We spent the rest of our shift just talking about everything and anything as per usual – but today, things got a little bit more personal. Today, we finally talked about our past relationships.

I told him about Don and Nick, how long those relationships were, what happened in each. But it was what he told me that blew me away. His longest relationship was a year, and there was one girl in particular who fucked him up pretty hard because… she cheated on him. Twice.

I can’t believe that we’ve both been cheated on. What is it with bad things happened to good people? Is it something we have to go through as a test of character? I honestly wonder sometimes.

Anyways, where he was kind of vague about it, I went into detail. But, I’m happy he told me as much as he has because everything makes sense now – after everything he’s been through, of course it’s going to take him awhile to open up to and trust ANYONE. I don’t blame him, and honestly I’m honoured that he’s told me as much as he has as it is.

He’s just such a genuinely good guy, from what I’ve gathered so far. I’m sad that that happened to him, and I’m sad that it still seems to be with him. I hope one day his heart truly heals, in some way. No one deserves to hold onto anger, have it turn inwards. And he deserves to be happy, truly.

After that, we just spent the rest of our shift just talking whenever we could. Sometimes with Luna and Sera, but mostly on our own. Luna told me that it’s starting to get a little obvious now, how often we talk to one another.

Luna’s so impatient! She’s wondering what’s holding him back, but I get it now. And honestly, I prefer this friendship and getting to know one another first. It’s warm and cozy. I’m not quite ready to throw myself into the flames yet, nor do I even know if there are going to be any.

But, I also get that the universe is somehow trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay, and that I don’t have to hold back or be afraid. Whatever happens is exactly how it’s meant to happen. “It is written”.

Anyways, he left after a while, and told me to let him know if I found tickets before giving me a hug. I wasn’t too hopeful though, so I told him to Snapchat me and to have lots of fun.

After that, Luna and I went for pho, but then Diana called me back because there was a huge, huge sale and she wasn’t exaggerating – it came up to almost $2000 dollars. I can’t believe it!!! AND I opened an IC too. Can you say best day ever? It gets better though because…

When I got home to tell Olivia about my day, I told her about all the crazy signs and omens about the concert and well… WE BOOKED TIX TO GO BECAUSE BY SOME MIRACLE, SOME WERE AVAILABLE!!!!!

I’m so excited! I love, love that Cleopatra album. It’s going to be such an amazing experience!! And, Dylan said he’d give Olivia and I a ride up too. So nice! Tomorrow should be fun.

Okay yes, I’m glad he’s going but it’s not like we’re seeing it together. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not solely going just because he is – I’m actually genuinely excited to see The Lumineers! It’s so strange how we were all just talking about it too. The world really does work in mysterious ways.

Anyways, it’s getting late and I should get some shut-eye. I’ll try to find some time to write tomorrow, but I doubt I will, so if anything I’ll write on Thursday about everything! Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 78 + 79 – March 19th & 20th, 2017

Hello, hello! So today went a little differently than expected. My counselor accidentally double booked me and someone else today, and seeing as I’m not in dire need of seeing her, I suggested letting the other girl go first. We rescheduled for Wednesday at 3:30! Perfectly fine with me.

I’m not feeling 100% well right now – I woke up this morning with a slight tickle in my sinuses, and despite all the ginger water I’ve been drinking, I can still feel it there, biding its time. Will it escalate tomorrow? I do not know, but I have been doing everything I can to prevent that. I’ll drink some more ginger water before I sleep, do another couple drops of oregano oil and then take some Buckley’s medicine just for safe measure. I’d rather nip this in the bud before it can escalate.

Tomorrow I have work, but before I go to my shift I want to wake up and go for a run in the basement. I was re-reading some of my logs from my Hawaii trip and I was so happy about the way my body had been changing as a result of all the activities we were doing, and I really, really didn’t want to lose that momentum. So, starting tomorrow I’m going to get back to that.

Alright, back to this weekend! Now, where was I?

Ah yes, Thursday night. Okay so, after I got back, the five of us decided to have a chill night. It was so much fun –  Rose started playing some old Miley Cyrus classics and we were DYING. Best moment ever. Honestly, it’s never a dull moment when it comes to us.

The next morning (Friday the 17th), we woke up pretty early and started getting ready for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. By like 10 AM, we could already hear people out on the street yelling at the top of their lungs! We started drinking – Ro made this amazing mixed drink called “white freezie” which was definitely a silent killer because it was SO easy to chug. After that, we started taking shots (IN THE MORNING – NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE EVER) and then we headed out onto the street.

Ezra was hands down one of the coolest experiences of my life! Everyone was bedecked in all shades of green, people were funneling beer from their windows in FOUR STORY buildings, some dudes had a gigantic speaker and were hyping up the crowds and everyone was SO friendly and super drunk LOL. We met some super cool girls who kind of made a circle with us and we vibed so well with them, they were so funny. There was this really funny moment when Alycia jumped in with the bunch of dudes who had the speaker and it was SO JOKES.

We went back to get my speaker and I think we drank a little more because we started making our own song LMAO. We were in such a good place and it was so hype, honestly.

Once we got back to the street, this dude stopped us and started talking to us. And then as he was talking to me, all of a sudden he was like, “I have the sudden urge to make out with you” AND HE LEGIT LEANED FORWARD TO KISS ME WTF?! It was sooooooo funny, I immediately leaned back and was like “nope” and we walked away. By this point, the street was PACKED. There had to be at least over a thousand people on the street. We made our way to the top of the hill and then back down again, to a house full of dudes who were blasting lit music. We chilled there for a bit, danced around a little, and then headed back to the apartment for a blessed nap.

After our nap, we decided to go get some bubble tea and we accidentally took too much time because by the time we got back we had to get ready ASAP. We decided to go to Chainsaw, which is this really cool well-known karaoke bar, because we wanted more of a chill night where we could talk to people.

We started getting ready, and Serena was definitely stressing LOL poor girl. But can you imagine being sixteen and trying to get away with using a twenty-four year old’s health card?! Next level mission! Anyways, we did our makeup and we were running a little late, so we ended up grabbing an Uber to Chainsaw.

The line was SO FUCKING LONG, holy shit. But we were wearing our coats and stuff, which made it a little more bearable. When I think about it now, it doesn’t seem like we were waiting for too long but for sure it was over an hour. And oh man, the worst possible thing happened while we were waiting…

A man was crossing the street as he left Chainsaw and, I swear it happened in a split second, but there was a huge sickening thud and screech of tires, and all of a sudden everyone started running towards the road… the man who was cross the street got hit by the car. When I looked over, it looked as though his head was underneath the car and I wanted to cry, holy shit. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen/heard. But it got worse… because then his girlfriend saw what happened. I have never, ever heard hysterical screams like that IN MY LIFE. She was inconsolable, on the floor, despite multiple people trying to hold her up. It got to a point where they actually had to restrain her against a cop car! Probably for her own good though, I think she was trying to get at the people who hit him.

After a while, by some miracle, they were able to get him up and walking and everyone started clapping in relief. I think they put him into the ambulance and after a little while, they cleared up the scene. Thank goodness he was okay though, because honestly for split second there I was so sure that he had died.

After that, we waited a little bit longer and then Olivia and I started letting people go ahead of us as we got closer and closer to the door. And then, the time came – Rose went first and got through. Next was Serena, and Olivia and I were legit shitting ourselves as we apprehensively watched the bouncers face through a sliver of the fence. Apparently it looked like he shook his head for a moment there, and I immediately started dreading the worst, but everything turned out okay – SHE WAS ABLE TO GET IN!!! YES!!!!

Alycia followed shortly thereafter, and after about another fifteen minutes or so, Olivia and I were able to get in as well. I was a little worried the bouncer would be like, hey, I saw this same person just earlier, but everything was fine.

Okay so, it’s getting a little late now so I think I’ll continue writing about last week in tomorrow’s log. Holy crap, I honestly didn’t think it would take me this long to write up what happened but it makes sense with the sheer amount of things that occurred over a three day span.

I’ll write tomorrow after I run, shower and probably before I get ready for work. Wish me luck that tomorrow I wake up feeling better than I did today! Here’s hoping. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 75, 76 + 77 – March 16th, 17th & 18th 2017

Hello!! Omg, I can’t believe I haven’t found the time to write for the past two days! It’s currently 1:37 PM on Saturday, March 18th and I’m currently in a ride-share truck on my way to London! It’s been such a crazy past two days that I don’t even know where to begin!

I guess I’ll start with Thursday, the 16th. Okay so, I got to switch my shift to the morning so that I could leave earlier (yay!). Dylan ended up being a morning shift too, much to my happiness, hehe. We talked quite a bit of our shifts – I told him about my crazy past with séances and also what happened to my aunt in Sri Lanka.

We talked about the Alchemist, and our favourite parts in it. I know we talked about more, but to be honest I can’t quite remember much of it now! But it was nice to work together. And Sera was in too, and there was this moment where he was saying he was addicted to his phone, and Sera snipped that for someone who was so addicted, he took a mighty long time to text her back.

I died! I love their relationship with each other, they’re so funny and chill but also super protective of one another.

Anyways, after my work shift, I booked it to York. We were on a super tight schedule, and it looked like we were just about to miss our bus. But, we persevered and ran like hell and JUST made it in time. AND, the bus driver was so kind, he told us not to pay and to pay when we got to our next bus, which was so nice. We wrote him a kind note and gave him five bucks for a coffee, on us. I watched him read the note from afar, and as he drove away, he mouthed “thank you” at me! It was such a nice moment.

Unfortunately, we missed the next bus because it was simply too packed to get on. But, everything definitely happens for a reason.

Olivia ate an edible on the first bus and by the second, she started tripping so hard and it was so hilarious!!! Never seen her like that, but it was very entertaining. Although, I was also kind of worried because I’ve never seen her that high and she kept saying she was hearing voices.

Once we got to Waterloo, we dropped off our stuff and had to go for our “pick up”, so I called an Uber for us so that we could get there in time. It was so funny – we started speaking in Sinhalese because we thought that our Uber driver wouldn’t understand us, but he WAS Sinhalese!!! We all died laughing, because honestly what are the chances!? These things only happen to us, I swear.

After our successful pick-up, we decided to go for some food. We were walking around at night around 11ish, searching for places that were still open, and we managed to get some chicken shawarma.

Just then, Dylan texted and asked where I was exactly, so I told him I was at King & University, and then he asked if I wanted to meet up for a bit at Starbucks, which nearly made me pass out LOL.

So the girls and I grabbed our food and went to Starbucks, where we made a game plan – if he was alone, I would twirl my hair which would signal that the girls should leave after meeting him so that he and I could be alone. Which sounds pretty hilarious now that I think about it, but it actually worked out pretty smoothly…

He did show up on his own, so I introduced him to Alycia, Serena and Rose and he introduced himself to all of them as well. After he and Rose talked a bit about the game that had just past, they got up and headed out. He bought me passion tea lemonade and got himself a tea, and after that we sat down for a bit to talk.

We ended up staying for about an hour, talking about pretty much everything and anything that came to mind. I wouldn’t even know where to begin in regards to the topics we covered. But, there are some pretty cute things I want to highlight: like how he decided he wanted something sweet, got a cookie, and let me have the first piece. Or, how when I started talking about how I used to feel like a failure for not having graduated yet, he looked straight into my soul as he told me not to feel that way. It was super intense.

Like the gentleman he is, he even walked me all the way back to Ro’s apartment, right into the lobby.

Before I continue on about the events of the rest of the weekend, I have to say something. For a little while there, I was… I don’t know, worried? That maybe, we weren’t vibing as well as I had thought. Which in turn made me realize… I need to continue to focus on myself. I started this year very much in tune with myself, my emotions, and I was very much… in control? I don’t really know how to phrase it.

What I’m trying to say is, I don’t ever want to feel like I need someone ever again, and I don’t ever want to base my happiness off of someone else. I still have ways to go before I reach that place where I’m totally comfortable and happy with just being alone, without seeking the comfort of someone else’s company.

I need to know and believe that whatever is meant to happen in regards to this, will eventually pan out. But, no matter the outcome – if I’m not his type, if we don’t have that connection that I honestly thought we did, if he just doesn’t feel the same way, then I need to know that it has nothing to do with me, and that life goes on. Despite how great of a guy he is, he’s not the ONLY great guy walking on the face of this earth. And more than that, I need to love ME and take care of ME first, before I can bring anyone else into my life!

I like him, I do. He’s a great guy. But I have some super serious and important aspects of my life right now that deserve more attention, especially so that I can take care of myself and my future. I need to get back to that. I’ve got to get my ducks in a row before I can introduce new ducks, LOL.

I know I’ve probably said this to myself already in multiple previous logs, but until it sticks, I’m going to keep repeating myself. No more losing my head in the clouds, I just can’t afford it. I spent three years of my life and also my education focusing more on a relationship than my own state of being. I won’t do it again.

The time has come to reel my heart back in. I let her have a free reign for a bit there because, the Alchemist taught me to love, respect and listen to my heart, rather than putting her in a cage because of how deeply and passionately she feels things. I have nothing against her and I feel so blessed to feel things as deeply as I do. I am so proud of my capacity to throw myself into things (and sometimes, people) that could potentially hurt me with no holds barred, especially after everything I’ve been through.

Despite all the pain I’ve felt, I’d still rather live a life where I feel everything instead of putting my heart in a box and locking it away so that I protect myself, because I now know two things for sure: one, that locking my heart away would turn it so cold and hard that I would never be able to ever let anyone in, therein isolating myself from everything life has to offer. And two, that I have been through some of the worst emotional pain possible… and still lived to tell the tale. I can handle the pain that life brings. What I can’t handle, is being so afraid of that pain that I close myself off. I don’t deserve that. I could never do that to me.

That being said, I also need to learn how to be more aware and conscious of the way my thoughts and emotions are closely intertwined. I let my heart run away with things freely, but my thoughts end up following closely behind to the point that sometimes, it’s all I can think about because it’s all I can feel. It’s not that I can’t let myself get consumed by that passion, it’s just that there’s a time and place for it, is all. And right now, I’ve got to direct a little (or a lot) of that passion at myself, for the time being.

Okay so, it’s getting kind of late now (and it’s also Sunday, March 19th, day 78) so I think I’ll write up the rest of the weekend’s events in my log tomorrow. Also, I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, after so long. I can talk to her about my pangs of anxiety that still come up, even when I’m happy or doing mundane things. I just don’t want to live with it anymore.

Here’s hoping, (and making sure) that this week is productive! Time to get back to reality, I’ve let my vacation mode go on for much too long now.

Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 74 – March 15th, 2017 

Hello! So I’m currently writing this log from bed because I was super busy packing for this weekend and now I’m all cozy and too lazy to go type this out on my laptop, but a lot happened so I definitely need to type this log. Also, I’m going to have to type out logs on my phone for the next couple days because I’m going to be bouncing from Toronto to Waterloo to London this weekend for festivities! Can’t wait!

So today. Today was such a good, good day!!! Even though it turned out that Dylan and I had different shifts, we still got to run into each other for a bit so that was really nice.

He looked so happy to see me, it was the cutest thing ever. I love his smile, heh. We went over to my house, where I gave him his gift, which he loved. And then he insisted that I keep the book, explaining that he and his mom felt that it meant so much to me and that they wanted me to have it, which is so incredibly sweet.

We started talking about Hawaii so I sped through some of the main stories as quickly as I could, since I had to leave to the training, but that’s okay. He laughed at my funnier stories, was awed by the cooler ones like the tarot card reader and the huge fish I saw while snorkeling.

When I mentioned the fish, he mentioned how he’d love to go fishing, which in turn surprised me! I used to love fishing, and still do, despite not having gotten the chance to lately. I told him how my dad taught me to fish and bait a hook and about the pike story of the one that got away. He suggested that he and I go fishing sometime in the summer, which I totally agreed to hehe.

Every conversation we have, I swear he just gets more and more perfect. How can this be?! He’s like, my “ideal” kinda guy, if I had to make one. Reading for pleasure, smart, great conversationalist, ambitious, sexy as hell, funny, thoughtful, respectful, selfless.. sigh.

Anyways, after our brief talk, I had to go to the training so I gave him a hug and said goodbye, and he mentioned that he was working tomorrow so that means I’ll basically be seeing him three days in a row!! Which is quite nice. And he added me on Snapchat today. I kind of like how things are kind of… going along? Progressing? Slowly, but steadily. I like this pace.

When we got back, Sera told me that Dylan loved his gift, which made me happy.

Work went by quickly, and now here I am in bed after a great dinner and packing for this weekend! I’m really excited. Better enjoy this weekend to the fullest! Here’s to… unexpected encounters and limitless fun. Cheers!

Love,

Me.

Day 72 + 73 – March 13th & 14th, 2017

Hello! I got a little lazy yesterday so I decided to combine both logs of today. Before I begin though, I just texted Dylan, LOL. And I suppose on paper it doesn’t seem like a big deal but, these things used to have to overthinking everything and used to bring me anxiety but I’m so proud of how far I’ve come in regards to that. Nearly gone is the me who was afraid of everything, nearly gone is the me who expected the worst and expected rejection. Nearly gone is the me who feared rejection.

Who’s left now? Someone who knows and understands that life can’t happen unless you’re willing to make it happen, and accept all the things that can follow as a result. Someone who’s tired of going along with life instead of working alongside the universe to manifest the things that I want for myself.

And yes, I am basing all of this off of being able to send a simple text, but it’s in the little things that show me how far I’ve really come.

My heart is still a little scared because society’s teachings are still there ingrained in me – but I’m working hard on getting rid of them. Especially the insecurities it’s managed to instill as a result, all the “rules” I’m supposed to follow. But I’m an adult now. I have to make my own rules.

Anyways! Back to yesterday – so I went to work for about four hours, and it was pretty fun and a very quick shift. Before I left, Sera told me something quite interesting. She was like, she wasn’t sure if he had told me yet, but that Dylan wanted me to have his copy of The Alchemist. Taken aback, I told her that as sweet as that was, that I couldn’t accept! But she assured me that he was intending to buy me a copy of the book anyhow, so that’s why he wanted me to keep it.

I couldn’t stop the mega-watt smile that spread across my face as I bade both her and Luna goodbye and went on my way. I told her I would have a word with him about it, (hence why I’ve texted because I intend to bring it up). I kind of want to keep it, because it’s probably one of the sweetest gifts anyone could ever give me, but also I kind of feel bad because he’s going to have to buy another copy and they’re pretty pricey.

He’s so thoughtful, but even now a part of me is still slightly disbelieving. And it has nothing to do with him – it’s just everything I’ve been through. I hate to think that the world and my experiences have conditioned me to be wary or mistrustful, because I’ve always been someone full of hope and positivity. I’ll always try my hardest to see the best in someone, despite how much trouble it’s gotten me into. I guess a part of myself has just gotten a little realistic too, is all.

Still going to go with the flow though! No expectations, no plans. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. And, I’ll do what I can to follow the omens and signs I see too. I’m listening, I really am. I’m trying my best to stay in tune with the universal language of the universe. I know it’s there. I won’t ever forsake it, or what my heart tries to tell me, ever again.

After this, instead of autonomously watching yet another movie or show on my laptop, I’m going to curl up and re-read the book that has brought even more awareness into my life, the book that made my travels ten times more meaningful than it could have ever been.

So, back to yesterday. I came home, I cooked a little while listening to music, then I watched the finale of TVD (goodbye TVD, I shall miss you). After that, I watched Ella Enchanted and Bend it like Beckham with Natasha, and then we went to sleep.

Today, (Day 73, Tuesday, March 14th), I slept in because there was supposed to be some huge snow storm (didn’t really happen) so that was nice. I got a really good rest. Later, Marilyn asked me to call her and she told me some really sad news about her sister (wishing her nothing but light, love, positivity and a speedy recovery). It feels good to be there for the people in my life. Honestly, if I can find some way to help people in life, genuinely help people, my life will feel so utterly fulfilled.

I watched another movie, and here I am now, typing this log away.

Tomorrow, I have an off-site training which I’m looking forward to cause we always get a little something. And then day after that, after my shift, we’ll be on our way to Waterloo!!! I can’t wait!! Much needed mini get away with some of my favourite people.

He just texted back, and my hands are all sweaty now LOL. He’s scheduled for the morning, which means I’ll only see him for a few brief minutes. But that’s just how it was meant to happen, I suppose. That’s okay!

I’ll still give him his gift and say hi before I go. Maybe I’ll even come in a little earlier so he and I can talk for a bit… hehe.

Literally everything in me is yelling at me to calm down, tone it down, relax and chill out. I don’t know how to do that! I mean, why am I so nervous? This guy is four years younger than me (albeit very mature for is age), but chances are he’s not freaking out the way that I am. We’re friends, this is fine, totally normal, nothing more to it. Relax. All is good. All is well. Channel your inner Luna and be an irresistible sexy goddess, not a nervous nerd.

Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

I’m going to leave it at that for now, and read the books that lie beside this laptop in the living room, away from all my technology.

Looking forward to the rest of this week!

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

Day 71 – March 12th, 2017

Okay so, it’s technically actually March 13th, but I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge watching Vampire Diaries, so, here I am. Even though I’m technically going to have to wake up in about 4 and a half hours to get ready for Monday… LOL.

I have a lot to look forward to this week. But also, I’ve been doing that thing where I’m living in a bubble full of the things I like rather than the things I should be dealing with.

I just wanted to point that out to myself now. I know that the main point of this week is fun and frivolity, but reality is going to always be there and I need to keep that in mind.

Anyways, today was a good day! I had work with some of my favourite coworkers, but I realized something today. I get a lot of anxiety being there. Like I internalize the energy and the vibes I encounter there and bring it home with me and I don’t like it. I need to start working on a proper defense mechanism in order to protect myself from the emotional shrapnel of that place so I don’t become a casualty. Like, talking less and to less people about my personal matters. I really don’t like how easily things get around in that department and I’d do myself a favour by keeping my mouth shut about things. Not everyone has to know about what’s going on in my life.

Also, being less trusting of those who don’t deserve it. Reserving my “benefit of the doubt” for people who show me they’re actually worth it. Stuff like that. I’ll try to actively implement that in what I do this week and see how it goes. This is yet another thing I would like to be conscious and aware about.

This morning, before I started getting ready for work… I saw that Nick had dm’d me on Instagram. He was asking for my number because he’d gotten a new phone. I gave it to him, and then I had asked him if he had joined the iPhone team out of friendliness, but he read that and didn’t respond. Resigned, I put my phone down, but seconds later…

I saw yet another message from him pop up on WhatsApp. He said thanks, but then it seemed as though he was typing something with intent. Heart racing, I waited for him to finish. And what he said totally blew any expectations I could have possibly had, out the window:

“Okay so there was something I wanted to tell you… I realize I hurt you a lot the past few years and I also realize I wasn’t always the best boyfriend to you or the one you deserved but I’m really glad we finished the way we did. I would have felt terrible if we kept going and started hating each other… So like I want to say it’s nice to still have you as a friend.”

I didn’t even know how to respond at first. But, I ended up telling him how much his message meant to me, and that he wasn’t a bad boyfriend and he had made me happy. I also admitted that I wasn’t the easiest person to date what with my own personal struggles, and I pointed out his patience with me. I also agreed that I was happy we could still stay friends, despite everything.

We talked briefly about his new phone, (which is in fact an iPhone), and he mentioned he was still in Cuba but was glad he was able to tell me what he did, to which I thanked him for.

Despite my day being rather busy, I must admit that this has been on my mind. It’s made me happy, but also sad. So, happy-sad. I know there’s a word for that, other than “bittersweet”. I just can’t think of it right now.

It made me happy because, I know for sure now that he’s definitely growing. We’ve both grown so much outside of our relationship. He’s travelling, he seems genuinely happy, and that’s all I could have ever wanted for him. I’m glad that exploring the world and adventuring is also making him introspective enough to have these realizations. And, I’m more than glad that he took a moment out of his trip to share some of those introspections with me.

But I’m also sad. Sad because it made my heart feel a little sore. This person, the person he’s becoming now… that was the person I was holding out hope for, holding so hard onto. But, I had to let him go in order for him to become that person. So there’s the bittersweet-ness of it all. For the first time in a long while, I’m a little sad at the thought of him, at the thought of our old “us”. But that’s okay. I forget sometimes that it’s only been a little over two months since we ended it all. Short time period, but so much progress has been made since then.

More than anything, I just want him to be happy. I think that despite whatever we went through in our relationship, at his core is a genuinely good person with good intentions. I hope that’s the person he maintains, as he grows and learns and sees what this world has to offer.

Well, it is what it is! With every day that passes, I know that I did the right thing for us both. It was hard, so hard, but it’s usually the harder things in life that bring about the most change. Comfort is the enemy of progress.

That’s all I wanted to say for today! I’m glad we can be friends. I really am. I was a little worried back there. I need to stop comparing myself to Don though, for reals. I’m not him, I was never him. I had my insecurities but I never, ever had any mal-intent towards Nick, ever. I never wanted to control him, or manipulate him. And, I was never selfish. I loved him enough, truly, to know that letting him go would better us both, even if I did do it for me.

Anyways, that’s all! Looking forward to this week! Just going to go with the flow, no overthinking or anxiety, no, no, no.

Can’t wait to write about it all! Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.