Day 23 – January 23rd, 2017

Hello there! I’m going to keep this log brief because I have to go sleep since I have tutorial tomorrow morning. I went to class this morning, and I was glad that I did! We did an exercise and I was the only one in the class who answered the prof’s question correctly.

Also, today was the day he randomly decided to start taking attendance in lecture so, just my luck. Everything really does happen for a reason when you think about it.

I think I’m going to challenge myself to go see a movie by myself on Wednesday. It’s going to be so different, because going to the movies was a huge aspect of my relationship with Nick, but it’ll be a new way of healing. I should still be able to do the things that he and I did together, even if it’s on my own. Every day seems to vary with the degree in which I miss him. Today, the indicator was a little bit higher than it has been for the past couple days. I’m not sure why. My heart just decided to have a bit of a small sad day today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Anyways, I’ll write tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 22 – January 22nd, 2017

Hello!! Interesting day today. It was just me and two other coworkers because two other people called in sick, and everyone else was off. I had some very intriguing conversations that have made me begin to think. So, today I was planning on perhaps messaging Nick. But now, I’m not so sure if I should.

I was talking to one of my coworkers about the breakup. And he was telling me about how his first breakup was with a woman he was head over heels in love with, and how it destroyed him. He said that it took him about six months to really begin to heal, to start seeing other people. He suggested that if I really care about Nick, that I would give him six months too. That trying to be friends now would be too soon and too painful for him, if he was really and truly in love with me of course.

This whole exchange prompted a series of thoughts, and this is some of the lines they went along: is it really too soon to be friends? Will it harm him more than help him? Should I just not message at all and give him space for the next couple months, since we’re already not talking? And lastly, I’m taking his feelings so much into consideration because I care about him, that’s a given.

But what about me? Am I taking myself into equal consideration, as I should? What do I really want? What would be best for me? And so, I’m going to talk to myself in this log, converse with my inner wisdom, question by question. And, hopefully by the end of this log, I’ll know exactly how I’d like to proceed with the consequential decision, which is: do I message him? And if I do, do I do it today or tomorrow, or sometime this week?

Okay! So question number 1: is it really too soon to be friends? Somewhere deep down, my inner wisdom or gut feeling or intuition is saying: yes. We spent three years in a relationship together, head over heels, totally consumed by one another. We were each other’s best friend, confidante, and partner. He was the first person I went to about my anger, sadness, and happy moments too. The first person I wanted to tell when I achieved something. We talked every single day for the past three years. It was a comfort and a stability that no other aspect in our lives could rival. At the end of a long day, we knew that we had each other to turn to. And that’s a big, big emotional tie that was severed only 3 weeks ago.

I would love to pretend that I’m totally and completely over our relationship. Enough to actually maintain a healthy friendship. But I’m not. I still think about him a lot, I can’t listen to The Weeknd without thinking of him driving in his Camaro with me in the passenger seat, and I day dream about seeing him again all the time. And I have no idea what’s going on in his head, on his side.

Furthermore, I don’t even know what our new friendship would entail. Would we talk like every couple weeks or so? Because I know for a fact that we shouldn’t talk every day like we used to, because it would kind of defeat the purpose of breaking up. We can’t be each other’s “every day constant” anymore. Also, I feel like talking often would prevent the both of us from moving forward the way we should. I think feelings would always be there if we continued to be a presence in each other’s lives on a frequent basis.

Okay, knowing what I know now, next question. Will it harm us more than help us? (I injected myself in there too – got to take my own feelings and well-being into consideration as well!) I think that it would. On my part, I know for a fact that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder – it makes the heart heal, and forget. So if anything, “out of sight, out of mind” would be the more accurate phrase here. I want to know what he wants though. I want to know how he feels and what he would expect out of us being friends as well. I also don’t know if it would be fair for me to force us into silence just because I think it would be best for us both to move on and lose these feelings for one another.

We broke up. I have to accept that. That means we move on in every way, including in the feelings department. Neither of us will heal in the ways that we need to if we continue to harbour feelings for one another. Not to mention, it’ll make things unnecessarily and painfully complicated once we begin to start seeing other people.

It’s hard; no one likes to let go of deep love because being in love is fun and addictive and just about the biggest, warmest security blanket you will ever have in life. Moving on and losing feelings for someone you were once with DOES NOT MEAN that you loved them any less than you did when you were with them. It just means that you know the time has come to move on, move forward, and allow yourself to heal so that you can live your life fully without any self-imposed emotional limitations.

That was good stuff! Kudos to my inner wisdom and my heart for being able to converse with each other as civilly as possible, I’m proud.

Next question: What do I really want? What would be best for me? Okay me. Let’s do this in a way that Christine Arylo would be proud of. Close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and breathe deeply. See what answers come to your mind and your heart. Ready? Go!

Oh boy, that was interesting. I imagined we were friends again, and thought about what it would be like if he were to start messaging me again, and the feelings that would evoke. And what came to me was I feel like it would make me anxious. Why is that?

I think because there are definitely still some feelings left. Also because I wouldn’t know what to expect, or what our conversations would entail anymore. Also there would be this pressure to make sure I don’t bring anything up that could unintentionally hurt him. Not to mention, I would feel like I’m no longer in a position to ask him how he’s feeling, which means I would spend a lot of time wondering if he still resented me. I still care deeply, so that would probably result in me reading too much into what was said, or not said, if he were to read my messages and not reply.

Okay but, re-reading all of that now, I realize that I’m not giving myself enough credit. Like yeah, I care about him, but it’s only taken three weeks for me to grow and become a more confident and secure person. Why should I care if he reads my messages and doesn’t respond? That doesn’t mean anything. Furthermore, I care about him, but I can no longer take as deeply into consideration what he says to me and what it means. If we’re going to be friends, it comes with the realities and boundaries of being completely and totally broken up. If we talk, our conversations would have to be taken at face value, nothing more or less.

So ultimately, what do I want? Yes, I would like to be friends. Anyone would. Realistically? I’m not so sure if that’s possible right now. And, what would be best for me? Inner wisdom says: this silence is what’s best for you. And for him too. It’s the hard truth, but there it is. Seeing each other and having this conversation about knowing that we still need space from one another would just stir up the same feelings of breaking up. I even think that it might feel like we were breaking up all over again.

Isn’t it just best to maintain this silence, as now we’re getting used to it? In our last conversations, I said I needed a couple weeks. I also said he could pick up his sweater in a couple weeks as well. However, I didn’t specify a date, or a time. We left the exact date vague. In all honesty, I could probably continue to maintain this silence for quite some time to come. I don’t really know how that would make him feel – I guess maybe anger at first, or doubt. But would it help him in the long run? Maybe. What I could do, is not message until he decides he wants to message me. Maybe he won’t ever, because he thinks I don’t want to hear from him or that I’m not ready. I’m not really sure.

Alright. I believe I’ve finally arrived at my final decision, at least for the present moment. I won’t be messaging him today. Actually, I don’t think I should message him at all this entire week, or even next week for that matter. I think that I should see how I feel on the month mark of our breakup, February 3rd. Maybe I can give him his sweater, and I can ask him then how he would feel about a continued silence, possibly for both our sakes.

I just checked with my gut feeling right now, and it’s saying that this is the right thing. That’s why I was so hesitant about messaging him in the first place! Because a part of me knew that any time this week would have still been too soon. In all honesty, I think I chose this week because the me two weeks ago wanted to see him and hear his voice as soon as I possibly could within a reasonable time frame. I’m really proud of myself for taking the time to sort out my own needs and figure out my feelings. Really though, I feel like the growth has been constant and consistent for the entirety of this year so far, and that’s an incredible feat.

This was such a great log!!!! Day 22, good stuff. Anyways, now that that’s all sorted out and done with! What am I looking forward to this week? I have another session with my counselor on the 26th, which is this Thursday! We’re going to be talking about the whole cheating incident, which furthers my thinking that holding off on messaging him until next month is definitely the best thing to do. I’ll be exploring my feelings about that incident on a deeper basis, and that’ll be easier to do without him in my life at the moment.

I’m looking forward to a great week! As a new week begins, I would just like to end off this log by saying to myself: I am so, so incredibly proud of you. You are getting through your every day with the strength, confidence, contentment, and happiness you have always deserved. Everything that is meant for you will find you, no matter what it may be, know that always.

On behalf of me, thank you for finally taking your own hand, guiding yourself along, and loving yourself as deeply as you were meant to be loved. Your future self, and whoever else ends up becoming a part of your future, will thank you for choosing you. As you are so much happier now, your happiness will only multiply tenfold in the awareness you have gained in these past weeks. I love you. And have a great night.

Love,

Me.

Day 21 – January 21st, 2017

Yesterday night was so much fun! Anne had a really good time for her birthday, and we all got along really well. Anne has this friend who is just… operating on a higher vibration. Like she’s so completely aware of herself, it’s almost as though she’s nearly reached enlightenment! It seems as though she’s even perfected the idea of real detachment – she has a very complete understanding that literally everything in this life is impermanent.

While her awareness is awe-inspiring, I don’t think that level of detachment is meant for me. It’s so rare to meet people like her so I’m genuinely curious about her ways of thinking, but I wouldn’t want it for myself. I like my level of awareness, and I like that I severed one of the biggest attachments in my life in order to grow as a person. But I did that for me, as in investment for myself but also my future relationships, i.e. my future attachments.

I intend to submerse myself fully in embracing everything this life has to offer, the good and the bad. But, I also want to grow as a person too. I aspire to find the in between, or at least whatever level of awareness that works for me. All I know is that I somehow realized that I could no longer settle for just simple comfort, which is huge.

My relationship was definitely my biggest comfort and security. But it also hid from me all the ways I needed to grow and evolve as a person. Now that it’s gone, I’ve been able to see myself and other things so clearly. And when I re-enter a relationship, with whomever it may be with, I’m sure that I’ll be able to maintain this sense of clarity that I have gained in choosing myself.

It’s really so amazing what you can learn from other people. I actually genuinely enjoy meeting new people, gaining more wisdom and knowledge, and challenging myself.

Before I go – it’s been a little while since I did an emotional check in.

How are you feeling?

Mostly bored, I think? I don’t know if bored is an emotion, LOL. I’ve noticed that I keep going back and forth between wanting to message him, but then also wanting to put it off, which is strange.

When I think about all the possibilities of what could happen, I also notice that I lean towards the bad, in order to prepare myself for the worst I suppose. Like, what if we’re weird? What if we don’t know how to be friends anymore? What if we end up going our separate ways after this? I guess I’m afraid. I’m scared of the unknown, the uncertainty of moving forward.

Ooh, I can hear my inner wisdom voice piping up! Okay, go ahead little voice:

First of all, of course the unknown is scary. But, you threw yourself into the unknown the day you ended your relationship. And, I’m happy to say, you’ve been doing really, really well since. So really, it’s the idea of the unknown that’s so scary, not the unknown itself.

No matter what ends up happening, just know that you’ll be able to navigate through these uncharted waters with your new found sense of awareness, confidence, happiness, and determination. And me! I’m here! Thanks for listening to me, and asking yourself these questions! It’s so great that you know you have this untapped wisdom within yourself.

Another note to yourself: be more frequent with your emotional check-ins! I have this feeling I may have already said this in one of my prior logs, but there’s no harm in having it reiterated. Emotions can be mucky and hard to pull apart when they’re all muddled together in your head and your heart. Sometimes, you don’t even realize why you’re feeling the way you are until you really ask yourself, and until you take the effort to peel them away from each other one by one.

And one last thing before I go – in regards to all the questions I asked, I think the most important thing I can do moving forward is to just be completely honest in every way, with both myself and with him. Honesty may make things a little difficult at times, but in the end it’ll simplify whatever complications that could arise, I feel.

Okay! Well, this has all been very sage advice, thank you self! (You’re welcome, heh). I’m not really sleepy because I took a 3 hour nap when I got home today, but I think I would like to just lie in bed until sleep does over take me. Until tomorrow then!

Oh and… ONE MORE MONTH UNTIL I LEAVE TO FUCKING HAWAII, AHHHHHH! This time, in a month, I’ll be in warm temperatures and an entirely different part of the Earth! I CANNOT WAIT!

Okay, that’s about all I have to say for today! I shall write tomorrow, and talk about what I’m looking forward to in my upcoming week! It’s going to be yet another good one, I already know.

Love you and goodnight!

Me.

Day 20 – January 20th, 2017

Hello! Okay so I think I only have a few moments to write this log, so it’s going to be a short one. I just spent the past twenty minutes or so briefly reading through all the logs, and I got to say – for twenty days into this year, there’s been so much amazing progress and good and positivity and I’m just so in awe, and so proud of myself. What a difference loving yourself can make!

I think on Day 18, I mentioned something about being bored? Well, I guess the universe heard me because by some odd coincidence, I found something out today about a certain someone coming back to work in about two weeks… couldn’t stop myself from grinning. I mean, I know nothing is going to come of it because of reasons, but I mean… I’m actually pretty excited.

I’m leaving soon to have some well-deserved fun with my cousins and Olivia, so I’m really excited for that. I haven’t really done anything since New Year’s eve so this is definitely long overdue. It’s funny though, NYE doesn’t seem like it was so far away, it feels like just yesterday even. But in between now and then, so much has happened.

I cannot WAIT until I leave to Hawaii! Tomorrow marks the one month count down, and AHHHHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED! As I go further and further into this year, I’m seeing more and more that speaking something out loud, and really putting good energy into it, somehow makes it manifest. Like, the universe is so vast and amazing and powerful, that when you say something out loud and create a vibration for it, it’s almost as though someone or something hears. As though the energies of the universe suddenly shift to accommodate and bring to life the vibrations that have been spoken into it.

It’s magical. I’m going to keep practicing this idea and see how well things go. I’ve just been feeling super inspired lately I guess! It’s been so long since things have been this good! Anyways, I should probably go! Until tomorrow!!

Have a good time tonight but also take care of yourself!

Love,

Me.

Day 19 – January 19th, 2017

Today’s been really good – I had a really nice long talk with Marilyn and Diego, as we were all night shift people. We talked about me and my awareness of self, and also about Diego’s current predicament as well. All in all, things got really deep and really personal.

Which is honestly why I love my department. We’re all so close to one another, confide in each other. They’ve really become like my second family and I would hate so much to leave.

I work early tomorrow morning, so I should probably get some rest now. I’m still in my work clothes! It’s been a busy day.

I have this incredible feeling within me that everything is going to work out exactly as it’s meant to. It’s so powerful and so… good.

Today, I was wondering why breaking up with Nick was such a catalyst for all this amazing change in my life. He never, ever held me back from anything – he always encouraged me to do my best, to do all these things that I’m doing now. To ask for a raise, to write my petition – he even sat with me in the library while I got my petition letter started. He always told me to travel, to be more confident and assertive and to love me the way I should.

So why now? Why only after the relationship ended, did I start to do all these things? Inner wisdom voice says: you know how you can’t love someone else properly until you first love yourself completely? Well, you WERE very much in love with him, that we know for sure. So, what was lacking was the self-love.

You can most certainly have both together, but one must come before the other. Self-love must come before loving someone else, and now you know that. When you broke up with him, you were giving yourself a chance to love yourself first. And now that you are falling in love with yourself, all the good things that come along with that are finally accessible to you. The awareness, the confidence, the assertion, the happiness, and the contentment.

I’m not saying you’ve already arrived at your destination of self-love – you’re just finally on your journey now. Soon, it will become like a second nature. And when it does, when you don’t have to actively implement it into your every thought and every action, THEN you can introduce someone into your life.

In retrospect, it does seem unfortunate that breaking up with him was the “catalyst” for all of this positivity. But eventually, you’ll see that it was meant to happen in order for the BOTH of you to find real happiness – not in each other, but in yourselves.

“It’s not you, it’s me” – this may be cliché and overused, but the truth of the matter is it really wasn’t him. He wasn’t perfect but he was always what we needed, in every way. Supportive, loving, and encouraging. It was you, but not in a bad way that makes you seem at fault (don’t ever blame yourself for the way things happened, ever); you just needed to love YOU first. And now you do.

I love talking to myself. Really though, I don’t know where the infinite wisdom comes from (okay, it’s me), but it never fails to clarify things, each and every time.

GAH IT’S ALMOST 1 AM. I’ll write after my shift, before we leave to Anne’s birthday, because I’ll be sleeping over there and won’t find any other time to write a log if I don’t. So, until then, I bid thee adieu and farewell.

LOVE YOU,

Me.

Day 18 – January 18th, 2017

Hello! So it’s currently late Wednesday night. I had a really good day! I treated myself to some mint chocolate chip ice cream and my favourite romantic comedy, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”. I love that movie so much! It’s funny and cute, and ah, it gets me every time. I love Kate Hudson and Matthew Mcconaughey’s chemistry.

Just took a moment to send in my raise request email. Oh boy. Wishing myself all the best of luck! In all honesty though – I deserve one, I really do. I do just as much as everyone else does, despite being a part timer, and I should be paid in equivalence to everything I do. I feel like this is going to be something I really have to stand my ground and fight for (as professionally as I can) so I’m going to prepare myself for that.

I’m asking for a pretty steep increase, by the typical standards. So we’ll see! This year has been nothing but good to me so far, because I’ve been good to me. I have a good feeling about this.

This week has been going by pretty quickly. I’m looking forward to unwinding at the end of it, for Anne’s birthday. I have work tomorrow, and then Friday’s the day.

Watching the rom-com today made me realize how much of a hopeless romantic I am and will probably continue to be for the rest of my entire existence. I will forever want to be swept off my feet, romanced, adored, and all of that. Sigh. I love it.

Anyways, I’m going to head to sleep now. I’m really looking forward to seeing how this raise thing goes. No going back now! Only forward. Always forward!

Much love,

Me.

Day 17 – January 17th, 2017

It is officially 1 am of Day 17 and I have just managed to complete the one thing that I have been incapable of completing for the past 5 or 6 years of my life – my academic petition letter.

While it is only in its first phase, the rough draft, this is probably going to be one of the biggest accomplishments of my entire year. I cannot begin to emphasize or stress how monumental this is. Everything is slowly falling into place because I’m finally putting out into the universe what I want back from it. I couldn’t be more proud or in love with myself.

And the best part? I’m only just getting started. There’s still so much more to come. I’ll continue this log later on in the day. For now, I think I’ve earned myself some sleep. Goodnight me!

…hello, I’m back! It’s now 11 pm, so the whole day has gone by basically. I’m on a pretty good roll right now – today at work, I talked to both my counter manager and department manager about a raise! I have to call my company rep tomorrow to discuss it with her and get her support, and then I have to write an email to my department manager, which will get forwarded to my general manager, who inevitably has the final say as to whether or not I get the raise.

I think it’s looking pretty hopeful, but we’ll see. All that matters is I’m finally doing things for myself, and it feels SO. DAMN. GOOD! Holy crap man. I’m actually so in awe of myself right now. Finally taking control of my life has done so, so much good for me. I’m so proud, and so content.

I’m getting so much done this week! Like, above and beyond what I expected. But it IS what I planned – so I’m very glad that I’ve been doing everything I said I would.

Also, today marks two weeks of being broken up. It was definitely hard at first, as I recorded in my previous logs. I think yesterday was the day that it began to get a little bit easier, and even more so today. I really want to see if we can get back to being friends. But, I made a promise to myself, and so I shall wait one more week before I message him and ask him if it’s okay if we get together so I can give him his sweater and maybe, hopefully catch up.

There’s also a part of me that’s so worried that he and I won’t be able to be friends. There’s all these stupid sayings about how you can’t go back to being friends with someone you were once in love with, because it either means that you were never in love or that you still are. But like… why? Why can’t our relationship change from what it used to be, into something new?

Like I know that’ll take time, honesty, effort and communication, and that he and I both need to want it. I honestly really want to see if we can make a friendship work. I don’t want to be selfish, and for us to be friends just because I’m the only one who wants it. I guess we’ll see in a week.

I’m going to be pretty busy for the rest of this week, so hopefully that’ll make it pass by faster. I’m kind of bored! I mean, I’m really happy about all the great stuff that’s happening in my life. But I’m craving adventure. I want excitement! I feel like a thrill junkie who’s not getting her kicks anymore.

Even though he and I never really saw each other that often, I have all this free time now, oddly enough. Maybe I should go see a movie by myself! Or take myself out to dinner somewhere nice. Just because those were the things that we used to do together, doesn’t mean I can’t do those things on my own.

Although you know, I’ve actually been doing REALLY well with saving money for the past couple of days. Not to mention, I’ve been eating healthier for the past week – no food court meals, no extra unnecessary carbs. And I feel the difference, honestly. I have more energy, and I never feel too full or nauseous from eating.

Man, life’s really looking up. I want to be happy with me, share my happiness with myself and have that be enough. It’ll come in time, I’m sure. Anyways, I should probably grab some sleep!

Goodnight! May your dreams be filled with the adventure that you’re currently lacking, ha. Love you!

Love,

Me.