Day 60 & 61 – March 1st + 2nd, 2017

Hello there! So I’m currently on a plane, thousands of thousands of miles up in the air. I just finished watching Moana, which I feel is the perfect way to say goodbye to this trip. I really think I was meant to watch it now, rather than before, to really appreciate the extent of it all. So much makes sense.

Heeding your inner call, no matter how many setbacks you experience and people telling you otherwise. Fulfilling your personal legend has been the message, over and over in so many forms.

I pretty much cried the whole way through! The sea turtle she brought to safety, when her grandmother’s spirit became the glowing manta-ray, seeing the ferns spring to life as the lush foliage grew again once Tefiti’s heart was restored.. I think I understand why I connected so much with this land, the story behind it all, its beauty. Who knows, maybe in a past life, I was Hawaiian.

It was so beautiful. I’m so glad I watched it. My heart ached as the plane took off; it really does make me so sad to be leaving. But, like Moana, I must return home from my journey as well. Changed, and better for it all.

This trip was absolutely incredible. Once upon a time, I used to see signs and omens everywhere. But then, society told me that those who look for signs will simply see them everywhere, to the point they mean nothing. “It’s all in your head”, they whispered to me. And so, I stopped looking. Head bowed, I walked through life and let the glowing colours of my own life force stop beating.

But now, it feels as though the truest essence of my heart has been returned to me. I am Te Fiti, growing again after going so long without her heart. I am Moana, conquering her fears and tirelessly working towards her personal legend, her destiny. That life force that was taken from me, and now returned? It’s hope. 

It is the knowledge that I will be okay, no matter what I do or where I go. It is this intrinsic instinct that knows I will always listen to myself, and to the world, and to the universal language of the world, so that I can always trust in where life will take me.

Even now, the little part of me that society has implanted in my brain is trying so hard to battle against what I have learnt. “Do you hear yourself?” It scathingly spits out back at me. “You sound like a spiritual loony bin. A happy hippie. You sound high.”

One day, I will completely and utterly detach that little voice from myself entirely. Society has had its way with me for years – it’s going to take a while for me to unwire and deprogram everything that has been hardwired into my poor brain and heart. But I will. I have faith. Now that I’ve begun on this journey of self-realization and self-love, there’s no stopping me now. I can’t, and I won’t, turn back.

I write now so that the minute I can feel myself faltering in my certainty, when things get hard, when life’s currents drag me under the water, I will read this and remember. I will remember that life is better lived in love – love of ones self, love of others, love of all. It’s better lived knowing that EVERYONE has a personal legend, but those who listen to the world, those who believe in the omens and signs – those are the ones who become one step closer to fulfilling it.

I will remember to hold onto my new-found hope, to treasure it so that my life-force never falters in colour again. Happiness is WITHIN me, always. I know this now. And I never want to forget.

I still have so far to go, but I won’t dread the journey. I have so much more to learn!! To grow, to see, to experience. I look forward to it all.

When I land back in Toronto, it won’t be as if I am waking up from a dream. I will land with purpose and the intent to make my life what I want it to be. There’s no going back now – only forward.

Sigh. I’m so excited. I feel this excitement within me, as though I’m travelling to a new destination. I just know that’s there’s so much more to come!!!! Every day can be a new journey no matter where you are, if you just choose to see it that way. Rather than just trying to make it past your day, why not embrace it and turn it into a new adventure?

I’m going to miss Hawaii a lot. But, I will never forget what it taught me. And one day, I will go back. I know I will.

Anyways, that’s that! When I get back, I will have to start sorting myself out again. Ready myself to face my parents, which I feel will be one of the biggest tests I will go through this year, in regards to my new self-love.

The journey continues.

Love,

Me.

Day 59 – February 28th, 2017

Aloha!!! So here I am, at the brink of the end of my very last full day here. Tomorrow evening, we leave back to Canada. It’s bittersweet – on the one hand, I hate to leave because I feel as though my finger tips just lightly skimmed the surface of an ocean that concealed a vast amount of hidden treasures. On the other, I miss my family, friends, cat and country even. I do love living in Canada.

I’ll be sad to go, but happy to return home. It’s time I get some things in order. I will not allow this trip to feel like a mere “escape” from my life in Canada – rather, I will bend and shape my life to fit what makes me happy, regardless of where I may be. I have that potential within my grasp, I just have to take the initiative to make it so.

We ended up doing the catamaran cruise today! It was so much fun – we drank authentic Hawaiian mai-tai’s as the catamaran playfully dipped and bobbed over the wild waves of the ocean. We spotted a beautiful sea turtle swimming, popping it’s little head up for air every so often. It was relaxing but also thrilling, especially when we were going against the waves.

After that, we went back to their ABC store to buy some souvenirs for our loved ones, and we got quite a bit of stuff. I can’t wait to give them out to everyone!!! I love giving away gifts.

It began to pour, but I was totally okay with that! I loved it so much, I was so happy to be experiencing what a real Hawaiian down pour felt like. I danced as I walked down the sidewalks, tilting my face up to the sky to really bask in it all.

And now, here I am lying in my bed, for one last sleep here. I think tomorrow, we’ll go for one last swim, maybe one last meal before we pack up and head out. Again, bittersweet. But ah, what a trip this has been.

I don’t think I expected it to be as growth-inducing and transformative as it was. But people told me it would be, and they were right. Because my mind and my heart was open to that growth, and I know now that it must always be, no matter where I am, in order for me to continue growing and learning all that I can.

I’m still reading my Christine Arylo book, but she and Paolo Coelho have both joined me on this trip and on my own personal journey and they have contributed to everything I’ve learned here. The Alchemist has taught me about omens, fulfilling my personal legend, never giving up on my dreams, becoming one with the wind, listening to the universal language of the world, and that everything is written. It gave my heart hope. It made my heart sing, laugh, cry and so much more. It made me realize that I must love my heart as it loves me and loves life and loves all.

Me Before We is teaching me that I must love myself wholly and completely before I can love anyone else. That I cannot change or fix anyone, that I wouldn’t want my “partner” to change for me either way because if they’re going to change, they should want to do it for themselves. It’s teaching me to stop playing the victim and to start owning my reality. It’s commanding me to remain honest with myself, in every way, and always.

And this trip, this trip has taught me that there is so much more to this life than I ever imagined possible. So much to see, to learn, to feel and to experience. It taught me to always be open to every opportunity, to remain open minded and go with the flow and to “hang loose”. It taught me to feel everything with every fibre of my being, to really live in the exact moment and to be present, rather than thinking of the past or imagining the future. And it revealed to me the exact way in which I can alleviate some, if not all, of the unrest that resides in my everyday life in Canada – through honesty with my parents, which is long overdue.

I will never forget what I learnt here. I will never forget everything I’ve done, felt, thought and seen, in each and every day that I experienced here in Hawaii. I will forever be grateful.

And with that, I bid adieu for now! I’ll write tomorrow, most likely on the plane back to Canada. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 58 – February 27th, 2017

Aloha!!! So today was yet another amazing day! There was also a lot of personal growth and realization to be had today, which I definitely need to make note of.

So, this morning we woke up and chilled for a little bit, trying to plan our day. It said it was going to rain today, but the day looked so nice, so we decided to head out to Diamond Head (the dead volcano) to go for our hike to the top.

The sun was out and the day was beautiful. It turned out to be the perfect day for our climb. As we hiked up and up, the view grew steadily more and more breath-taking. Again, Hawaii never fails to amaze me with its scenery – the lush greenery of the surrounding mountains and the way the blue of the ocean met the blue of the sky in perfect harmony could not be properly captured in my pictures, but I think I did my best.

The hike was such a rush! I felt so great, the endorphins were really whisking around in my system and I definitely got that full body work out. It was such a good feeling! I want to remember that feeling and make it my motivation to start being more consistent about working out when I get back. I think I need to incorporate more cardio into my routines because that’s what really got my heart pumping.

There were dark tunnels and winding staircases and rocky trails all the way up, making the hike a bit of an adventure in itself. And once we got to the top…

The 360 view was absolutely astounding. The crisp wind that was coming off of the sea was something I never want to forget. It felt as though we could reach out and touch the sky if we really wanted to. It was so, so beautiful.

We climbed over a little fence and sat on a flat rock surface that had no boundaries – everything was open and free. There, we let the view soak in. We even lied down to experience the way the sun looked in the sky. I closed my eyes and began to let my mind wander.

I imagined that I was speaking to the wind, the sun, and the “hand that writes all”, the way that Santiago did when he became one with the wind. I asked it to tell me what I needed to know. I talked to my heart and asked it the same question. And all of a sudden, the answer dawned on me, and in that exact moment, the wind began to blow a little stronger over me, as though to confirm my discovery.

Earlier this morning, I had a conversation with my mom that led to some severe stress and the increase of dread I feel in regards to going home. It was the same old song – you need to focus on school, what if you don’t graduate this year, etc.

This was my realization: I need to tell my parents, for once and for all, that I will NOT be graduating this year. In fact, I won’t be graduating at all for a while, at least 3/4 years.

I live in constant fear and anxiety, paralyzed by the idea that no matter what I choose to do, that I will disappoint them. But what about me?

What if, by forcing myself to finish school and getting a career I don’t even know I want, results in my own personal unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life? My parents will be happy, but I’m the one who will have to live the lie, live the life I never wanted for myself.

I have let my parents deep fears become my own. I have become so entrenched in this idea of a “timeline”, that I subconsciously believe that something is wrong with me – that I’ve fallen behind. But NONE of that is true!!!

I’m happy!!!! And I know, in my deepest self, in my heart of hearts, that whatever I end up choosing to do with my life, that I will be happy, successful and I will do well enough to continue living on the way that I want. I will always work hard, I will always do what I have to do, and my personal capacity and potential is limitless. I’m intelligent and a quick learner.

I don’t know what I want for my life because I’ve spent so much time trying to satisfy other people’s ideals and intentions for myself and my life. I’ve been fighting this internal battle for so long without realizing it, that I no longer know what I want. But I WILL. Because now, I know I need to extricate myself from the grips of societal expectations, and also, my parents.

I love them, I really do. I’m thankful for everything they’ve done for me, all the hard work they’ve done to put me through school, and I will always be grateful. I will always respect them, cherish them, and hold them close to my heart. But, I can’t live like this anymore. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I have to do it for ME and on MY own terms. No matter how long it takes.

I’m scared, because nothing worth doing is easy, and the hardest things to do are usually the things you need to do the most. But I’ve been so brave this year – I’ve done some things that required quite a bit of courage. I ended my three year relationship. I asked for a raise. I threw caution to the wind and booked a spontaneous trip to Hawaii. And here I am now. Exactly where I was meant to be.

So, when I get back, the first thing I will do is tell my parents everything. I will be honest. I’ll let them yell or cry or be disappointed or react however which way they want to, and I will do my best to maintain my patience, but this is something that needs to be done. I need to do it for myself. For my own sanity, happiness, and well-being.

As I was explaining this realization to Luna and Lana, the omen of all omens appeared – whales, breaking through the surface of the ocean to get a breath of fresh air. It was so incredible beautiful, a moment in which you had to hold your breath.

Apparently, seeing whales is good luck, but also a sign that you need to “analyze your emotions, the decisions that brought you to where you are, and what you can do to alleviate the unrest in your life so that you can find peace”.

To me, the whales breaking through to the surface was symbolic of my own breakthrough – after being submerged for so long under fear and pressure and anxiety, my realization at the top of that dead volcano was my own version of breaking through the surface in order to finally breathe.

I need to remember this. I need to remember, that like a whale, there will be times that I need to come up for air in order to breathe and in order to keep moving forward.

Now that I know that there’s so much more to life, I can no longer settle for the life I once knew – the one where I let my fears run rampant, driven by the everyday pressure coming at me from all angles. I will not allow myself to live that way any longer. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be happy.

I am so small in this big huge world. There is so much to see, so much life to be lived. There is nothing like travelling in this life – experiencing the many wonders and adventures that the world has to offer, like the feeling of making it to the top of a dead volcano, the enchanting magic of diving into a world full of multi-coloured fish, the quiet hush of a memorialized sunken ship.. there’s just so much out there. How can I live my life in fear when there’s so much to be seen and heard and learnt and experienced? I only have this one life!!! I need to do everything that I can while it’s mine. 

I am so thankful for everything I have experienced on this trip. This was a lovely pathway on my larger journey of life, paved with beauty, adventure and growth, every step of the way.

We spent the rest of our day eating delicious burgers, and now we’re back home, lying in bed and getting ready to settle into yet another peaceful sleep.

Tomorrow will be our last full day here because we’ll be leaving on Wednesday night. (Tomorrow is Tuesday.) I know we’re aiming to go on a catamaran cruise, but we’ll have to see about the weather first. Apparently there was a flash flood warning? We’ll see how things go though.

I think I’ll head to sleep now! Yet another amazing day indeed. I can’t believe how lucky we’ve been. But now, I really believe that coincidences don’t exist – that everything happens as it’s meant to. “Maktub”, right? It is written.

Love,

Me.

Day 56 continued, & Day 57 – February 25th + 26th

Aloha!!! Okay so, before I go on to explain the past 2 days including today, I have to say… this trip has definitely been the most amazing trip I’ve ever taken in my entire life. I’ve seen so much and done so much, more than I ever imagined possible, over the course of the past week. I’m so in awe of the wonders of this world, and the fact that’s there’s still SO much more to experience in this life!!

Yesterday was so great! We had a nice chill day at the beach; I went snorkelling again and saw more fish! There was this moment that I was surrounded by a family of unicorn fish, which are these rather larger blue/green fish known for the “horn” protruding out of their forehead. It was so, so beautiful, and I captured it on my go pro!

After that, we had yet another amazing lunch at the little café/grill on the beach that we had breakfast at on the first day. I had shredded pork, which was really yummy.

Then, we got back to the apartment and spontaneously decided to go shopping at Ross because Lana didn’t have shoes to go with her really nice dress. I ended up buying these absolutely stunning coral lace up platform sandals that I fell in love with at first sight a couple days before that. Definitely well worth the price!

After that, we got back to the place and started getting ready for our big night out! I decided to wear my Kardashian-esque tight white body-con dress for the first time ever because I finally felt confident enough!!! It was such a nice feeling, and the dress really did look good on me.

Me and Lana pre-drank hardcore – we got through like 8 or 9 shots of vodka AND rum in under an hour, but I didn’t feel sick or anything. It just gave me a really, really good buzz. We got all dressed up and once we looked like the bomb shells that we are, we hit the strip.

We were a little early, so we waited until Mike showed up, and once he did, we gave him a gift for his wife and he let us in for free!!!

The lounge/club view from the top floor of that building was unreal! It was very fancy. And the music was pretty good for the most part. BUT – no hot guys whatsoever. The high light of the night? These two white guys were chilling near us and I dropped it low and started popping my booty and they legit walked away, LOL! Luna and Lana DIED laughing. It was hilarious. They obviously couldn’t handle the booty, pft. Anyways, after that we came home and crashed because we knew we had a long day ahead of us..

..which was today (February 26th, and it was AMAZING!!!!). Luna rented a convertible for us so that we could drive around the entire island and beach hop, and end the day at Turtle Beach in the hopes that we would see a turtle.

I cannot even begin to describe the beauty of this island. Being sandwiched between the rolling green hills and mountains and the endless multi-hued blues of the ocean, the scent of the foliage and salt water in the air, the wind that whipped through my fingers when I reached my hand out of the convertible as we drove down the winding roads… I never, ever want to forget the way this experience has made me feel. I felt free. Truly free. I tried my very hardest to live precisely in that moment, and while this is a very difficult mind frame to cultivate, I think I did a pretty good job.

The first beach we went to was this gorgeous white-sanded, Caribbean blue-watered beach where we went for a quick dip before we packed up and headed out on the road again.

We got food at this cheap place close by to the beach and I swear, the portions here I HUGE. Like you really get your money’s worth. I got teriyaki chicken with rice and macaroni salad (SO. GOOD.)

After that, we drove for a long while and stopped to get some shaved ice (a special Hawaiian delicacy here!) and it was deliciously refreshing.

We stopped by turtle bay resort for a quick moment, but then decided we’d rather try to make it to turtle beach, as the sun would be setting soon. We stopped along the way at this gorgeous beach full of rocks that appeared to be old coral reefs. The waves were huge, as we were in the northern part of Oahu, which is famous for surfing. The view was breath-taking. The waves crashing down upon the rocky shores looked like something out of a movie, except I got to experience it in real life.

Eventually we got to turtle beach, which was equally as breath-taking as the other beaches we’ve gotten to experience. Not to mention, the sun had finally began to set, creating this lovely warm ambiance in the air as we walked along it. We took some absolutely stunning photos of it too. However, we were a little disheartened that there wasn’t a turtle in sight.

But then! A woman on the beach told us there was a sighting down at the end of the beach near the trees, where there was a small gathering of people perched and waiting, it appeared. We immediately hurried over, as quick as we could, hoping we’d be able to spot a turtle. When we got there, everyone was gathered quietly around a little area of beach that was cradled by smaller rocks covered in bright green algae.

Luna scanned the beach disappointedly, but then I realized… one of the “rocks” had flippers and a distinct pattern… IT WAS A GIANT SLEEPING SEA TURTLE. I immediately pointed it out to Luna, who was so excited that she couldn’t help but yell! LOL, omg, it was so adorable how excited she was!

The turtle was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. We got to get real close to it, close enough to take some amazing pictures with the beautiful sunset in the background.

I cannot believe our sheer luck on this trip. I swear, the positivity and good vibes have culminated into this force of nature that appears to just bend to our deepest will. We have been so incredibly blessed, so lucky, and so fortunate to experience the things that we have so far. Each day has been better than the last.

We’ve got about 3 more days left! I definitely know we’ll make the most of it.

One thing I want to note before I end this log – this trip has really and truly solidified my budding love for travel. I’m hooked. I want this kind of life, I want to be able to explore the world and discover its innermost secrets and treasures, the way Santiago found his. I wish I could just quit the life that was planned for me by society so I could spend my days endlessly searching for the edges and corners of the world. Sigh.

That’s all for now! We still have to climb the dead volcano, and I have this feeling that we may have saved the best for last. Until then!

Love,

Me.

Day 54 continued, 55, & 56 – February 23rd, 24th, + 25th 2017

Hello! Things have been happening so quickly that it’s hard to keep up!! I’m going to pick up where I left off though, which was on the way to Hanauma Bay.

So Hanauma Bay was created out of the volcano’s eruption – the lava and water created a dome like bay which eventually filled up with water and consequently, marine life. It gained popularity throughout the years, and due to hunting, they made it a government protected preserve.

We had to climb down into the bay, and the scenery was just absolutely breath-taking. When we went snorkelling, it was a little tricky at first, but then after it was definitely one of the best experiences of my life. It was truly like being allowed to swim in a massive aquarium, while still being able to breathe underwater.

Best of all, my go pro turned out to be great despite its price and origin!!!! The pictures and videos were stunning and I cannot wait to take more! It worked perfectly. I was beyond thrilled.

I saw some humongous fish that actually kind of made me a little afraid LOL! They were just so big and so unafraid of me.

In the end, it turned out to be an amazing day. We had an amazing dinner (udon noodles/ramen) and then headed home to sleep.

The next morning (Friday, February 24th aka yesterday but also today?) we woke up super early in the morning to make our way over to the Pearl Harbour memorial. We made it just in time, and our tickets were free!! It was incredible to witness preserved history. I’ve always loved history, so it was so nice to read more about how the US was somewhat forced to join WW2 because of Japan’s aggressive attack against the US. (As told by the Americans of course.. I don’t know if we’ll ever really quite know 100% of the truth because history will always have a bias in favour of the ones who tell the stories).

The memorial was built over one of the sunken battle ships called “Arizona”, as well as on top of the remains of almost a thousand men who died there. The atmosphere was very somber. I almost wished I could dive beneath the surface to see the boat from an underwater perspective. Has the water and environment preserved things? Are there skeletons floating beneath the ravaged and decomposing decks of the sunken ship?

Anyways, it was definitely an incredible experience. I’m so happy and content and grateful and thankful and so much more, that I’m getting to experience life to this degree.

We returned back to the city after, but Luna & Lana went for food so they got off before me and I went along on the bus by myself for a little before coming to our condo by myself. It was so quaint – I made myself a little lunch of my leftovers from food from before, and sat outside on the balcony to settle into reading some more of the Alchemist. I’m really learning to enjoy my own company, which I love.

After that, we took a quick nap and then got ready to head back to the strip to go see the firework display at the Hilton. But, we ended up sitting down for a bit to watch a beautiful show of a man and woman singing Hawaiian songs.

The atmosphere was truly enchanting and magical. There was a moment when the woman spoke of a song that had to do with the lush foliage that surrounded us (the ferns!!!!) and their beauty and how they contributed to the “oasis” like feel of the area we were in (Alchemist reference!!!)

There actually so many different omens and signs one can see, if one is willing to become in tune with the universal language of the world, and the soul of the world.

After the amazing show, we made our way to the Hilton. Let me just add here – we all get along so well!!!! We’re always laughing and talking and happy and I feel like our positive energy and vibes are so strong between the three of us that they’re beginning to physically manifest themselves into the universe.

Like the woman with parrots, and the knowledgable bird/fish man on the pier, and…

After the absolutely incredible firework display on the beach, as we were making our way back, I stopped to talk to a very tall and somewhat intimidating looking bouncer in the front of a very cool-looking club. After finding out some brief information and learning that he loves Toronto, he promised to take care of our cover for tomorrow night!!!! How nice is that?!?

Which is just a further example of how our positive energy is manifesting itself into this unbelievable “luck” it seems. We’re meeting such amazing people and experiencing such amazing things. Which reminds me…

There was a man with tarot cards sitting near the beach and when he made eye contact with me as we were passing, I felt this strange sensation in my chest, like a jolt. And I told myself and the girls, if he was there when/if we passed by once more, it was meant to be that I get a reading done. And he was there when we went back! So I did, and…

It was mind-blowing. I wish I had recorded him so that I could remember better what he said, but he was so on point. And the cards I chose, they went together so well. He told me how I give myself and my all in relationships, only to get next to nothing back. That people vent to me. That in my past, there was a man who appeared as a man would, but with the mind of a child. (Nick?). And that also, someone would attempt to make a reappearance in my life, that he was very persistent and would not give up. (Don). (Ps, the Tarot card for that was the Devil lmao).

He told me that although money wasn’t extremely important to me, I would always have it. To invest now, and to save despite whatever I received.

And about my present and future, he told me I would most likely have boys, and that my son would be as free-spirited as I am.

He says I’ll be fertile for the next 15 years, but that I’ll meet my soulmate in 5, and that he’ll find me, not the other way around. And then, he asked if there was a man now who loved me that I was unaware of, and the “man of justice” came up. Confident, with a bit of a temper, but fair and just and balanced. And that, if I had someone in mind in that moment, that he and I would be like night and day. That he had a bit of a tough past himself, but that I would guide him. He would be like a rock to me, unwavering and supportive. But, the tarot man also told me I still have a couple more things to learn before all of that.

The tarot man (named Antonio) also did Luna and Lana’s reading too and he just continued to astound us with everything he knew. He knew so much!!! He gave us a kind blessing in the end, and told us he loved our energy, and that we would travel together once again.

It was an indescribable experience, most definitely. After that we came back here, and here I am now lying in my bed, on Day 25 (Saturday, February 25th).

I forgot to mention – we ate authentic Mexican food for dinner, and it reminded me so much of Nick that it made me a little sad. But just a little. I’m still filling all the little holes that he left in me when I left him. But they’re becoming more and more full with every day that passes. One day I will be whole and I won’t be looking for anyone to fulfill what I already create for myself, and that’s when someone will find me. I believe in what Antonio said.

Tomorrow (or today really), we’re going to have a nice chill day by the beach and then get all dressed up for the fancy club, which I’m super excited for! Should be a really nice day. I’ll write when I can! So far, this trip has been above and beyond what I could have ever possibly expected. I’ve already cried twice out of sheer happiness, LOL.

Until tomorrow or whenever then!! Aloha!! (Which means goodbye as well as hello, hehe).

Love,

Me.

Day 53 & 54 – February 22nd + 23rd, 2017

I don’t even know where to begin. In the past two days, I’ve already experienced and felt so many amazing things here… okay, I’ll begin with what I’ve done so far, and then I’ll go into the feelings and thoughts I’ve been experiencing.

So yesterday when we woke up, we went walking along the beach towards our breakfast place but they were all booked up and busy so we ended up eating at this little café like place with an open patio right on the beach. In all honesty, I’m glad that we ended up there, because it was the perfect meal to start off our trip!

After we ate, we did a little grocery shopping, grabbed some alcohol (pineapple wine!!!) and then!! We ran into this lady with four beautiful tropical parrots – and she let us hold them!! I held a little green guy and a beautifully coloured macaw was on my shoulder, and he tried to get frisky a couple times LOL. The lady ended up being Filipino and really friendly, so we stopped to talk to her for a little, and she told us about how she raised them for fourteen years! They were so cute.

After that, we went back to our place to chill a little bit and then we got ready for the beach! It was so, so nice to just sit in the sun and then swim when it got too hot. But, that wasn’t even the best part…

Luna let me use her snorkeling gear, and for the first time ever, I went snorkeling. It was… indescribably amazing. I felt like I was in another world, a world of magic and fish and water. I felt like a mermaid, but also like a person who had the amazing privilege of being able to visit the home of creatures who allowed me to see the utter beauty in the simplicity of their little universe. I saw all kinds of fish – the big unicorn fish with horns on their foreheads, the Hawaiian national state fish (known as trigger fish, but the Hawaiian term is Humuhumunukunukuapua’a – which I finally learned how to say, but more on that later.)

It was just, so incredible. My heart is truly so full.

After the beach, we went back and got ready to walk around the Waikiki strip and get dinner. The night time was so incredible – there are fire-lit lamps EVERYWHERE. The strip was bustling, full of life and people and buskers. There were small little groups of Hawaiian people singing songs, making the atmosphere as authentic and beautiful as it could be. We ate at a little pho place, and then walked around some more. I bought myself a pretty monokini cause I couldn’t help it, hehe.

After that, we went back to our place and knocked out right away! It had been such a busy and amazing first day, and we were exhausted in the best way possible. That sleep? Solid as hell! LOL.

This morning, (Day 53, Thursday, February 23rd) we woke up early once more and spontaneously decided to go catch the sunrise over the mountains. We ended up on this beautiful stone pier that led out over the ocean, and we sat down to wait. All of a sudden, little birds began to sit next to us as though they were waiting for someone.

A couple moments later, this kind older man came up near us with a huge loaf of bread to feed all the birds and they were SO excited! He gave me a little slice and they began to land on my hands too, and then he began to throw some bread into the water. When I turned around to see why, tons of the beautiful fish I had seen when I was snorkelling were coming up to the surface!!!!! He began to talk to us, about how he’d been living here for 14 years (14 again – omen??) and he feeds the fish and the birds almost every day. He taught me about the multiple kinds of fish (hence why I now know their names) such as needlefish, the Hawaiian state fish, the unicorn fish, and more.

It was such an amazing and enlightening experience!! I love how open and friendly everyone is around here – so eager to teach and to share their own experiences.

Anyways, after that we went back to the apartment for breakfast, (which Luna made – delicious) and then got ready, which leads me to where I am now – sitting close to the beach, waiting for the bus that will take us to Hanauma Bay, where we’ll be snorkelling!!!! I can’t wait!!!

Now, I need to talk about this moment that happened while I was contentedly sitting outside on our balcony reading the Alchemist while eating breakfast.

I feel like I relate to Santiago so much – he was so trusting, and so hopeful, and at one point, so close to settling for giving up his dream in order to go back to a slightly improved version of his old life. But there was a moment that he was about to leave, when all the hope and destiny came alive again – “maktub”. Which means, “it is written”.

And, I don’t quite understand it myself, but I had this overwhelmingly powerful emotion that surged through my being, enough to make me cry. But it wasn’t tears of sadness – they were tears of joy, of hope and belief and happiness.

After everything Santiago had been through, the possibility that his dream, his personal legend and destiny might still come true was still alive, like a candle’s fire on a wick that struggled to remain burning despite the wind.

For the first time in a long time, that same hope and belief surged through me too. I haven’t felt like that in… God, I don’t know. But the hope that I could end up where I’m meant to, that I can fulfil my own personal legend.. it’s such a beautiful feeling. I am here in Hawaii because the universe and I worked together to make this dream a possibility. Every decision I have made for myself had led me down this path. And so, if I truly believe in it, and keep my faith no matter what life may throw at me, then I can fulfil my destiny too. I can be happy, whole, and fulfilled in this life.

I think in this life, we meet everyone for a bigger reason than we can understand at the time. A life lesson, an experience we’re meant to go through, whatever it may be.

I don’t know how to thank Dylan and Sera for what this book is bringing into my life. But I know, that the universe will bring them the good they deserve. I truly believe that.

And so with that, I bring this log to a close as I continue on, on this amazing journey and adventure. I can’t wait to see what else I will encounter, learn, feel and how I will grow from it all. I’m so thankful. I hope I always remember this feeling and carry it with me, wherever I go.

Love,

Me.

Day 52 – February 21st, 2017

Hi there! So I decided to leave my laptop behind as it was much to heavy to bring with me in my luggage, but that’s totally okay because I’m going to be typing my logs here. Also, I’m going to be time stamping these as well, just for further documentation and for the sake of clarity.

So right now, I’m thousands and thousands of miles up in the air on a plane, on my way to Vancouver so we can catch our connecting flight to Hawaii!!!! The clouds look so fluffy from up here. I love, love this tingling sense of adventure I can feel from my head to my toes, in the deepest parts of my being. I love getting away!

I brought another one of Christine Arylo’s books with me, “Choosing Me Before We”, which is about knowing and loving yourself, before committing to a relationship with someone else, which I think is literally the perfect book for me LOL. I’m already a few pages in, and she’s already made me feel as though I’m about to embark on another journey – one within myself. I’m excited; not only am I on a real, literal, physical journey to Hawaii, I’m also going on an emotional and mental journey as well. I know when I come home, I will be changed in more ways than one.

There was something I wanted to admit to myself, because she’s teaching me how vital it is to be completely and utterly honest with myself no matter how hard. This morning, I saw that Megan had liked both the pictures that Nick had posted to Instagram and immediately, my mind began reeling with images of them texting each other again, and him picking her up in his new Camaro, and what not.

And you know what? I’m human. It hurt. I don’t like her, especially after the divide she created in our relationship when it had only just begun.

Here’s where I say to myself: it’s okay to feel like this. I’m not a superhuman or completely devoid emotion – I’m me. I feel things, I loved someone very deeply, they hurt me and now it’s over. Christine told me that I can only control myself, and she’s right. I control my decisions, and I need to eventually learn how to exercise more control over my thoughts and emotions so that they do not control ME.

I told him I want him to be happy. I meant it. So, whatever that may entail, I have to accept and live with. Inevitably, it will no longer affect me the way it does now.

Well, that’s that! It feels good to be honest with myself, and to understand that feeling the way I did is not a personal flaw or insecurity. I accept myself for everything I am, depth of my emotions included. Ultimately, I know I made the right decision, no matter what may happens in regards to whatever relationship we have with each other now.

And now? I’m travelling to this absolutely beautiful place in the world, with nothing ahead of me but open sunny skies and soon, an ocean view. I look forward to everything I will experience on this trip, everything I will see, learn and feel.

Tomorrow, I’ll be writing my next log on Honolulu time because I will be in Hawaii! Until then,

Love always,

Me.

Day 45 – February 14th, 2017

Not bad for my first Valentine’s Day on my own in six years! So, today was pretty damn amazing LOL. My silly little heart is still doing her victory dance and jumping around. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her, honestly. But she’s me, and I’m her and I love me so it’s all good. I don’t know if any of that made sense but it’s really late at night now and I have half an hour to write this log.

So basically, Dylan worked the same shift as me tonight, and we basically spent about 90% of our shift talking to one another about literally everything and anything that came to our minds. I love how easy to talk to he is! I remember Sera saying something about how he’s quite talkative, and holy crap, I love it so much.

I really feel like we’re making an effort to become friends, and that makes me happy. I like establishing a good and proper foundation before anything else. And hey, if nothing progresses out of this, then at least I’ll have gained a new friend. Albeit an extremely good-looking, muscular, smart, funny, sweet, intellectual, mature new friend, but a new friend nonetheless. He’s honestly so cute.

I learnt a lot about him today! And yes, just like the old days, I’m about to go into detail because I love remembering the little things. Let’s see…

So we talked about Valentine’s Day and how expensive it is, and how it’s just another day of work for us, a Tuesday if you will. I told him that chocolate covered strawberries are eighty bucks at Godiva, and he told me about his friend splurging about two hundred dollars just for dinner, even though there was a set priced menu. We both agreed that we felt sorry for the people who bought into this commercialization of this day.

We talked about so much! I learnt that he’s been having problems with his neck (didn’t ask why/how though, got to do that next time), and how he’s been doing physio for it for the past six months. He told me about how his knee has been making him uncomfortable, and I told him to be careful and told him what happened to Chloe and how she’s at home now because of her knee. He told me how scary it was that he could easily tear his ACL if one move went wrong in his training/fighting, and I told him to take care of that ASAP because it was better to be safe than sorry. I really hope that nothing happens to him because, he’s so clearly passionate about what he’s doing and I would hate for that to be taken away from him over an injury.

He told me that he may be entering a friendly tournament for MMA, and about how he had to lose ten pounds before the match in order to be in a certain weight class. And then, he told me about his last resort way of achieving that – he takes super-hot baths for six hours with tons of Epsom salts and basically gets rid of all the water weight in his body, aka dehydrates himself, which is really not good for the body, LOL.

He taught me a little more about the kind of fighting he does – it’s “Gracie jiu-jitsu”, a derivative from Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and that his trainer actually comes from the family that originated that type of fighting, the Gracie family. He’s been doing it for about six months, but he loves it and hopes to compete for real by the time he’s 22. The tournament he might be entering in April is friendly and will be good experience for him, and although he doesn’t really care if he wins or loses, he does want to win because that’s how he is when it comes to sports.

We talked about sports a little – like how much he loves hockey and how by far it’s his favourite sport. He really enjoyed the centennial game and thanked me again for the hat and scarf (to which I replied that it was the least I could do, for everything he’d done for me). We talked a little bit about basketball too, and I was able to because of what Leila told me today! I explained that my friends are basketball fanatics and that’s why I knew what he was talking about, LOL. I told him that I would love to learn about the world of sports.

We talked about the book he read over the weekend, Win or Learn! He went more in depth as to what happens in the book – it’s about a man who nearly got beaten to death, and then taught himself how to fight through a magazine, started training people in his garage, and then one day, this skinny little kid walked in and they trained together and that kid is now multi-million dollar UFC fighter Conor McGregor. He’s brought this fighter up before to me, so I was able to recall the name. I’ll add it to my reading list, because it seems really interesting but also because I love reading the books that people love – it’s like listening to someone’s favourite song, and learning more about them as a result.

Speaking of song – there was one point that I was walking towards him, and he was like, “do you predominantly listen to hip-hop?” First of all, I LOVE THE WAY HE SPEAKS. “Predominantly”. Ugh, I want to marry him.

I told him that I listen to everything, and I asked why he asked, and he brought up that moment we spent in his car when he was helping me with my allergic reaction. While we were sitting there, J.Cole came on, and I had asked him if he had heard his new album. (So, so cute that he remembered this tiny detail). In all honesty, I had asked because I thought that he was into hip hop. But today, I learnt that while he loves and idolizes Eminem, he’s more so into rock. He likes Cage the Elephant, and told me to listen to their newer album. I told him that I really liked that band he discovered, Goodbye June, and their song Darlin’.

We mutually helped out a couple today and ended up selling something from our each of our lines. As I went to write down the sale, I couldn’t help but tell him that we make a good team, to which he agreed.

He brought me his copy of the Alchemist later in the shift, and told me that I definitely had to read the foreword. I told him I already wanted to read the whole book, I was that excited. I have to thank him again on Thursday (he’s working again) properly, for lending it to me, because I don’t think I did today.

I know we talked about more, like when we interacted with other people and sharks in Hawaii came up and when Daniella kissed her own arms because of how much she loves herself, which made us die of laughter.

But, conclusion of all this detailed conversation I’ve just written down? I have a crush, for sure. He may be four years younger than me, but it honestly doesn’t feel that way when we’re talking, which we do a lot. Also, any moment that he came close to me, be it for checking a price or when he peered over my shoulder to read what I was reading in the inner flap of the book he lent me, I felt some real chemistry there.

I know that I’m definitely attracted to him on a physical level – he’s stunningly good-looking, tall, has gorgeous hazel-green eyes and is very well built. His smile makes my stomach feel all flippy.

But, it’s talking to him and getting to know him as a person that’s really cinching it for me. He’s so easy and fun to talk to, he’s funny, smart, thoughtful, so mature for his age, and genuinely a really good guy. And, I’ve directly experienced his level of selflessness – he stayed by my side throughout the entire allergy thing, and was even about to take me to the hospital in his car. He reads, which is HUGE to me, and he’s got ambitions in so many different aspects of his life, be it personal or academic.

While my heart is leaping, logical me (aka my brain) is keeping a tight leash on my heart. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting hurt or that I don’t want to pursue this – it’s just that I would rather let things happen organically without my feelings getting entangled in everything. I really do want to develop a friendship first. I think friendship is so important, and is the proper and healthy foundation to whatever else this could possibly turn into. In all honesty, it may not turn into anything at all, you never know!

He’s a really great guy and I’m so glad that I’ve met him so that I can know that guys like him really do exist. But when it comes down to it, I literally just got out of a three year relationship about a month ago. I still have feelings that I need to get past, I have things I need to do for myself, and there are definitely still some things I need to come to terms with in regards to my own personal insecurities. While I may be a lot better off now than I was while I was in my relationship, I still have ways to go on this new found self-love journey.

So, friends. (For now).

Well, this turned into a much longer log than I thought it would be, LOL. Definitely because of all the details, but that’s okay! I love the little things. I want to remember every bit of it.

It’s been such a great day, and a fantastic Valentine’s Day. I’m looking forward to the rest of this week! Mostly because once it’s over, I’M LEAVING TO HAWAII!!!!!!!! 6 MORE DAYS!!!!

I’m well into Day 46 territory now so, I’m going to bring this log to its close. Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

Day 40 – February 9th, 2017

Hi, hi! Where do I even begin?

So, today turned out a lot different than I could have expected, if I had expectations for it of course. I found out that my raise request got denied, but that it’s still in the process of being fought for. I don’t know, that sounds like company talk to me, so we’ll see. I may actually have to start looking for a new job, which makes me sad. I’m not ready to leave yet. But, I can’t live off of this pay anymore.

On a happier note – so today, I messaged Nick about the whole movie thing, and he ended up telling me he wanted to watch it alone, which is totally cool. But then, he asked me if I was working, to which I replied that I was but I was almost done. And then, he asked me if I wanted to go for coffee! So, I agreed, and he ended up meeting me at work. Actually, he walked straight into my department, much to my surprise and amusement.

The whole coffee thing went really well. We didn’t seem awkward at all this time, he seemed much more relaxed and at ease with me today. We caught up more in detail – he told me about an interview he had for a hospital he had yesterday which he thought he got but didn’t, he explained in detail what his new internship would entail, and how often he would be there.

He talked more about the restaurant, and about his family, like how his dad might have diabetes. I told him about my raise being denied, and about my thought process of deciding between my programs. We talked about movies that just came out, and I explained all of La La Land to him in the hopes that he would actually watch it, LOL. I don’t think he will though, because he said it would make him sad.

My coworkers were very curious and warned me to be careful with my feelings and what not, but in all honesty – I’ve realized something. People can’t fathom being friends with the people they were in love with because they’re not emotionally capable of separating their relationship feelings from their friend feelings.

I’m not saying I’m this amazingly perfect person with a superhuman capacity to compartmentalize, BUT; if I do say so myself, I’ve always been pretty in tune with my emotions. I’ve always been good with compartmentalizing. I knew, from before, that I wanted this friendship badly enough to put my feelings away. That that would be the only way to make a new friendship work. So, that is what I focused, and am still focusing, on doing. Of course I’m happy that we’re talking again.

Am I going to be dependent on our friendship? No. I have people in my life that I’m dependent on, not to mention I’m now learning how to depend on myself, which was my original intention with the decision I made to end our relationship. I know that things are not going to be the same, I’m very much aware of that fact.

So far, things have been pretty good. I know it’s not going to be this easy all the time – we’re going to come across times where things get a little tricky. But, I’m hoping that we’ll be honest and straightforward with each other, and communicate as openly as we used to. Because honesty and communication are important to making ANY kind of relationship work, and this new friendship is still a relationship of its own kind.

Anyways! I have work tomorrow, but late so I get to sleep in. I think I shall head to bed now, I’m pretty sure I can hear it calling my name. I really, really need to start packing/shopping for my Hawaii trip!!!! There’s only like 11 full days left until I leave – I DON’T KNOW HOW TIME PASSED SO QUICKLY! AHHHHH! I’ll dedicate Sunday to getting myself organized, because I think I’m off. I’M SO EXCITED! Off to bed for me now!

Love,

Me.

Day 37 – February 6th, 2017

Hello there. So, things came and went. I can’t believe I spent almost two days in agonizing anxiety over what seemed like a two second exchange. It went by so much more quickly than I thought it would.

He came straight to the door once he got to the house, so I welcomed him in. We stood there, glancing at each other for about a split second before I asked him if we could hug. We did, albeit awkwardly, and then we went up into the living room to sit. He looked good! He’s definitely been keeping up with his working out.

We sat down, and he immediately asked me what I wanted to talk about, which threw me off a little. So I asked him some basic questions, like how he’d been doing and what he had been up to. It took more detailed questions until he started telling me about what I missed in the past month.

He’s doing research at school! He started a couple weeks ago actually; strangely enough I haven’t seen him around. (But then again, I’m barely on campus as it is). He’s doing research on behavioural stuff for kids? I wish I could remember, but in all honesty, I was trying so hard to keep the conversation flowing that my attention wasn’t altogether there, I guess.

He’s starting his other internship in March though, so next month. The research program is almost like a co-op thing, so he’ll be also going to Scarborough for part of it as well. We talked about how I asked for a raise, my makeup gig, my dad finally getting his car, my travelling in two weeks.

I asked him about his family, and if the restaurant got POS systems, but he didn’t really elaborate as much as I hoped he would about those things. Either way, after that, there wasn’t much else that could be said and I didn’t really know what else to ask.

Sensing that, he asked me if that was it, and I said I supposed so. He immediately said he’d leave, and got up to pick up his jacket. I stayed seated, slightly shocked at how abruptly he was going and he asked me if I was going to walk him to the door, but good naturedly though. I laughed and said I was, but I was just wondering if there was anything else to say. There wasn’t, so I followed him down the stairs to the door. I hugged him goodbye again, and watched him leave, and that was that.

I was surprised at how easily I handled things, in all honesty. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would – actually, it didn’t really hurt at all. I was friendly, open, and tried my hardest to keep the conversation going smoothly and lightly, and I think I made things easier for him (I hope). There wasn’t any pain or anguish, no feelings came rushing back, I was just left with that old ache of nostalgia really. That’s about the extent of it.

Some time in my earlier logs, I told myself I was going to treat this little thing as an “emotional pH test”. I even compiled some questions to gather some results in order to come to a conclusion on how the whole “experiment” went.

Here are the questions: are we really and truly okay to be friends again? Are we better off just not talking and maybe keeping space from one another? Are the feelings still there, on my part, and possibly his? On a scale of 1 – 10, how difficult was it to see him again, to hear his voice and such? Was it awkward, or was it easy?

Okay so, question 1: are we really and truly okay to be friends again?

Well, on my end, I believe that the potential for friendship was definitely there. We talked really amicably, even laughed a little. He seemed pretty tense at the beginning, but by the end he seemed to be a little more relaxed. And I get it – this was the first time we’ve seen each other since the breakup. But, I’m thinking if we do end up running into each other at school, it won’t be as bad! I wouldn’t even mind hanging out a bit so he could tell me how the research was going.

But the problem is, I have no idea how he felt about everything. He messaged me afterwards saying it was a good talk, and that he was sorry if he made things more awkward. But I said that I thought things went pretty okay, and he agreed.

Question 2: Are we better off just not talking and maybe keeping space from one another?

No, I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to completely cut off contact with one another, I think he and I can learn to be friends. Obviously we’re not going to put active effort into maintaining a friendship because that would maybe defeat the purpose of our breakup, but I mean we’re also not going to run away from each other if we run into one another at school, is what I mean. We’re still maintaining our space in the meanwhile, so it seems.

Question 3: Are the feelings still there, on my part, and possibly his?

Okay me, be honest with yourself here. I mean, yeah, there’s some feelings I guess? Like not intense, crazy, heart-rending feelings – just the kind of feelings that I know will always be a part of me, but the kind I can learn to live with. Does that make sense? Loving him will always be a part of me, but I know now that I’m not longer actively engaged with those feelings or that part of my life anymore.

They’re always going to be there, but I can learn to live and continue my life – they’re not inhibiting me at all. I will always care about him, but now I can apply that care in a friendship sense and not a relationship sense. And on his part? If there were any, he played it off really well. He seemed very well held together, there wasn’t any lingering looks or our old chemistry – it was just mutual politeness and friendliness on both ends. So in all honesty, I have no idea.

Question 4: On a scale of 1 – 10, how difficult was it to see him again, to hear his voice and such?

Maybe 3? Or 2. On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m going to say it was a 2.6 difficulty to see him again and hear his voice. In all honesty, it really wasn’t that hard. I was genuinely happy to see him and to hear how he’s been doing. Of course I wish it could been less hurried and less awkward, but it went as well as I could have hoped for our first encounter.

And lastly, question 5: Was it awkward, or was it easy? Well, it was both really. It was definitely awkward at first, and quite so throughout, but it also got easier too. Our text conversation ended with me saying that his research program would be really good for him, and he thanked me, and that was that.

In conclusion: I think we have a pretty good chance of being friends, one day. I think we’re both under the impression that we’re definitely not going to talk as often as we did, and maybe under the impression that we’ll run into each other at school, but we’ll see. If we don’t talk or see each other for a while, maybe one day next month I’ll message him to ask him how the research and his new internship is going, just to check in, and hopefully he’ll be okay with that.

If we can’t be like, really good friends, I’d love to at least be the kind of friends who keep in touch with each other from time to time. While I’m being honest here though, my little heart of hearts is pretty sore. I’m not saying that seeing him hurt me, it really didn’t. But, I do miss the comfort of our relationship, and how good we had it. Seeing him merely brought the soreness back a little, because it’s been a while since I felt that little ache. It was bound to occur, there was no way I could get out of that exchange totally scot-free because my feelings for him were real and just three months ago, we were celebrating our three year anniversary together.

It’s obviously not going to be that easy. But at least, that’s out of the way now. I’m so very curious to know how he felt about our whole exchange in detail but of course, that’s not going to happen so I’m just going to have to live with that curiosity. I hope he’s okay though, and that it wasn’t too hard for him.

Anyways! That’s it. The sweater is gone now. Now, it’s just focusing on me and getting everything I needed to do over with so that I can move forward. I need to start saving money as soon as I can. I also need to relax a little bit, because I’m starting to feel that future-related stress and anxiety again and I already know that everything is going to be okay. I just need to trust in myself and believe in that.

Hawaii is in two weeks and I honest to god cannot wait to escape for a little while. I need out!!! I need out ASAP!!! LOL. I think I’ll start packing sometime this week, maybe Thursday.

That’s about it for today! It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.